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Twenty – eight

Buffy could see how Spike was doing everything to act normal and to please her. She’d come home that day with the intent to hear him out. Finally. So, when she arrived home, she simply told him she would listen to what he had to say after Lindsey went to bed.

The relief of gaining that reprieve from her was evident and he’d done everything since then to not get in her way too much and to try and engage her in ‘family time’. She gave in, only for Lindsey’s sake, but she refused to meet his eyes and speak directly to him unless she had to.

Childish, yes. Did she care? Not so much.

There was a wall, a tangible wall she’d put up between them. She had to. Otherwise, she’d cry, rant and rave and beg him to make it all better. To take the pain away once and for all and to not be that guy. To not be that guy Angel was. Devious. Sneaky. A liar.
Another man who’d hurt her, basically.

Seemed she could put her Daddy issues away for a while, as a whole new set of issues had just cropped up. Though, hadn’t it all started with her abandonment issues from her father?

She put her head in her hands while Spike put Lindsey to bed, battling tears. She missed him today. Missed having him call her while Lindsey was napping just to see how she was doing and to make her smile. Missed putting Lindsey to bed with him and feeling like a real family for once. Angel only did it once in a great blue moon so it was like this humongous treat – for both mother and daughter. With Spike though, it was a given, yet still had that specialness to it.

“You all right, pet?”

“Not your pet,” Buffy said on a knee jerk reaction.

“Yes,” he sighed, “you are.”

She shook her head and sighed, “I’m not going to argue with you.”

He had that look on his face. That look that told her he wanted to say something sarcastic to that but was holding himself back. The sick twisted side of her wanted him to do it. Wanted him to do it so that he would fight her back and not keep looking at her as if she’d single handedly brought his world down around him.

As if she’d broken his heart.

Maybe if they could hate each other instead. Maybe if they could just get along for the sake of Lindsey and when alone trade jabs at each other and loathe each other it’d be easier.

“So, tell me,” she said, sitting back. “Tell me all about it.”

“What made you change your mind anyway?” he asked, cocking his head to the side. She wanted to right it. Once upon a time that unconscious gesture turned her on. Now it angered and annoyed her.

Because it turned her on.

“I was feeling benevolent.”

He snorted, “Thanks ever so.”

“Well, it was either that or having you cry at me every time I saw you.”

Now he glared at her and she hated herself for it. She didn’t want it to be this way, not really. She was just so angry and he was there and –

“You know,” he started, shaking his head, “I’m tired of being a punching bag for you. If you’d stop being the scorned Princess for two seconds maybe you’d see that there are other people in pain here!”

She jumped up from the couch, facing him down, “I don’t care about your pain,” she hissed.

“That’s right. That’s our Buffy isn’t it? Only caring how shefeels and what she wants. Not giving two licks about the people around her and what they need or want. How they feel.”

Her eyes welled up in involuntary tears at that. She swallowed hard. “You know that’s not true. It’s not. I have spent my life trying to make him happy. I catered to his every whim, I tried to be understanding and unselfish when he was gone and all I wanted his time and company. I tried to show my daughter up there that I loved her with all my heart. Tried to be everything I could for her and then some. To make up for Angel, to make up the way he – he hated me and resented her. I knew he was unhappy with me and do you actually think I was happy? I failed. I failed to make a happy home for her, for me, for him. I lied to you, I lied to him, I lied to her. Jesus Christ, I lied to myself. So no, I haven’t made the best choices and no, I haven’t always done the right thing, but don’t tell me that I don’t care. If I didn’t care, I wouldn’t be hurting right now too!”

She finished on a shout and that had Lindsey calling out with a tentative “Mommy? Daddy?”

Spike rushed up to get her and Buffy tried to pull herself together. She hadn’t realized just how much anger was still inside her. Mainly because she’d had to relive it all over again. This time though, she felt as though more were at stake. And, she felt that she’d lost it already.

Where was her control? She felt as if she had no control over her life at all anymore. That everyone just made the decisions for her and didn’t give her the option. Not that she expected Angel to say “Buffy, I’m thinking about having an affair. What do you think? Can I?” But if he’d been so unhappy, couldn’t they have worked it out, couldn’t he have given her something to do to try and make it better? And then Spike. Spike made the decision to bring that, that woman here and let them go. He never told her. Spike never lied to her. Never.

And that was really the heart of it.

Spike was the one that supported her, that held her up and was always there for her. He let her lean on him, made himself available to lean on and he’d been the one to betray her. He’d been the one to lie to her and hurt her and she never expected that from him.

Her best friend and lover lied to her and all she wanted, more than anything, was to curl up in said best friend’s arms and let it all out.

“Buffy?”

She turned to see him standing there, watching her cautiously.

“She okay?”

“She’s fine. Buffy –“

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

He sighed heavily, “I was afraid you’d keep me from Lindsey. I was afraid I’d never get the chance to . . . to –“

“To be with me?”

“Not just you,” he shook his head, “With both of you. Buffy, she told me on our way here. She told me who she was and yes, she did put it in my hands to make the choice of whether to go or turn back. And yes, I made the choice to come here. Then I got in the driveway and . . . “ he rubbed the back of his head, “I wanted to turn around. I couldn’t do it. I told her I couldn’t do it and then . . . then Angel came up to the car and saw her.”

“And then?”

“I spent the night trying to protect you from seeing that Angel was on his way to another affair—“

She winced.

“—And trying to keep them in line. God, I wanted to beat the crap out of him.”

“Did they plan to leave that night?” she asked hoarsely.

“If they did, I didn’t know until that morning. I woke up and Fred was packing.”

“Why didn’t you stop them?” she asked, her eyes welling up in tears.

“I did try, Fred, she . . . she told me that Angel was downstairs with Lindsey and that if I made a scene it wouldn’t matter. That they were going to go anyway and I’d just end up hurting Lindsey and you even more.”

“And you left her down there by herself?”

“No, I sat on the stairs, watching her, until you woke up.”

“She said that it wouldn’t have mattered?”

“Yes,” he whispered.

“Did you believe her?”

“Buffy, they were packed up and ready to take off without any of us knowing. I’m sure my waking threw a wrench into things as it was. They didn’t want any of us to know. Not even Lindsey. She threw a wrench –“

“Don’t say it,” she shook her head and sat on the coffee table, burying her face in her hands. “He’s such an ass,” she whispered. “I hate him.”

“You read the letter, Buffy. She said it herself. She would have found a way -- They would have found a way.”

Staring at the ground she murmured, “Not if they’d never seen each other.”

Spike dropped to his knees before her and lifted her chin with his finger, making her look at him as tears dropped from her eyes.

“Fate, remember? Destiny. They would have and they did. Because you and I? We’re meant to be, Buffy. Second chances, remember? We got the chance to make it right this time. All those missed chances –“

“It shouldn’t be this hard, should it?”

“I don’t know, you tell me. Wasn’t it harder with Angel?”

She let out a little laugh. “Yes, you’re exactly right. It was. And that wasn’t worth anything in the end was it?”

“Buffy—“

She stood. “So, it kind of tells me that, maybe this isn’t worth it either.”

“No, don’t say that—“

“I think you should go now.”

“I’m not giving up on us Buffy, I’m not,” he said forcefully and grabbed her arms, making her look at him.

“Please let me go,” she said quietly, near begging.

He released her. “I’ll let this go for tonight Buffy, but I’m not letting you go. I’m not.”

“You don’t have a choice.”

“You always have a choice Buffy.”

Walking to the stairs she looked over her shoulder. “Yeah, one would think. Until they’re taken from you, that is.”





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