She was living in a cave. That’s what Buffy decided as she was on her way to work a few weeks later. Driving to work was always a case of ‘ho-hum’ ness. It was just something she did, and never really pondered too much about. She paid attention to the cars in front of her, heeded traffic signs and lights and went about her business the way all those in rush hour morning traffic did.
But that day, she did something different. Something she’d probably done a thousand times before, yet this time for some reason, it was different.
She looked up. At the sky. It was blue with puffy white clouds. Ice blue, baby blue -- a pretty blue. And the sun, the sun was bright and shining and the sky went on and on . . . she wanted to be a bird so she could travel its length, see it spread out before her and pump her little wings and go, go, go.
She saw, seemingly with new eyes, the landscape. Beyond the cars, beyond the morning aggravation, there was life. The colors were vibrant, the grass greener than she’d ever seen it before, even the colors of the houses she passed seemed brighter. And that was when she realized she was living in a cave.
She was surrounded by darkness. And she was seeing shadows projected on the wall, giving her snippets of life and what it was like to live and be happy, but she really needed to get out of the cave. She’d started to for a while, but then when she started to see the light of the outside, she’d been beaten back.
It was time to leave the cave. Time to unshackle herself from Misery, Disappointment, Heartache and Blame, and move on.
If not for anything than to at least stop herself from using Platonian-like philosophy.
The past few weeks since her discussion with Spike had been quiet. Almost eerily quiet, as if he were planning a sneak attack of some kind to win her over – again -- and was lulling her into a false sense of security. The security being he was backing off. No more heated discussions, no more begging for forgiveness, no more making her feel guilty ? or her making him feel guilty.
The rage she felt was still there, but it was more of an angry-at-the-world rage now. Well, sort of. She was angry at Angel, angry at Fred, angry at Spike and, yes, angry at herself.
She was angry with her mother for teaching her that her lot in life was to please her man, and that if she doesn’t please her man, she was no more than a failure. She was angry with herself for somehow taking those lessons she’d thought were crap and making it her life. All for the love of one man that had never loved her to begin with. And yes, she was angry with him for proposing to her when he knew full well he’d never love her, and knowing full well that the minute he got his precious ‘Winnie’ back, he’d be out the door.
She was mad about the fact that she’d ever met him.
Somehow, she should have known. Should have seen the signs. What was the saying? Blinded by love? She snorted to herself, love, what a load of shit that was.
Her experience with love had done nothing for her but leave her in shreds. In high school, it was about dating the right guy to ‘look good’ and not caring a smidge about them, which worked well for both sides, since the boys she dated then could have cared less for her either. Then there were the lessons of home: A Donna Reed type mother who doted on hubby, and a father who could have given two shits about his family and had no respect for a wife that had no backbone.
Then came Angel. Angel who she fell for because he let her have a backbone and assert her woman power. Angel, whom she felt she had a connection with.
Angel, who carried a torch for another woman the whole time.
Oh, and the things she’d done to keep him. Lying to her daughter’s father being one of them. Oh, and then lying to herself. Ignoring the fact that she had felt something for Spike, and that it’d been more than just a physical affair they’d had, it had been emotional as well. It was just the stupid ideal of Angel and her marriage that she so desperately needed to save that she could not shake from her mind.
They'd gotten into a pattern in their life and she hoped that it meant he was content-- but knew, knew that he wasn't. She wasn't, no matter how much she convinced herself she was. No matter how happy she swore she was, she wasn't. And everyone must have felt it. Must have known how fake she was with every smile she gave, every positive thing she had to say about her life.
Fact was, she was lonely.
Yes, she had Lindsey, but she wanted and needed the love of her husband. She also needed something of her own – like a career she really cared about and oh, went to school for – and friends. She’d somehow alienated herself from everyone.
Ugh. She’d become Donna Reed. She’d went from pleasing her father, to pleasing her husband—except she never really did measure up, now did she?
Then there was Spike. A whole other can of worms. However, the difference with Spike and Angel was that with Spike, she was herself. She wasn’t a candy-coated version of who she thought she needed to be. She was a bitch, a clown, a friend. She could be a mess with him and it’d never mattered. If she hadn’t been so blinded by that love crap, she would have seen then that not only was Spike her best friend, but the person she should have been with.
Ah, it all came down to choices didn’t? The ones you made and the ones you didn’t get to make. The choices you made in one instant had a butterfly effect on the rest of your life. And, as she’d learned over the past few years, on the ones around you.
She felt it now. Felt it was time for a change. She couldn’t stay in the cave forever. Couldn’t spend her life being this unhappy and angry. The question was, what did she do to make it go away? Therapy? Running? Yoga?
That’s when she saw the answer to her prayers. Guidance and hope in the form of an 8 by 11 blue flyer.
“You’re Not Alone!
Life DOES go on!
Divorce Support Group every Wednesday night at 7p.m.
First Floor of the Town Library “
Snatching it up from the corkboard outside her building, Buffy stuffed it in her purse and reached for her phone.
“Hi, Spike? Yeah, it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Listen, I’m gonna be home a little late, okay?”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Now I know a lot of people hate Buffy at this particular point in the story, and in some small way, I can understand it. Only a small way though. I realize that Spike is a wonderful man that loves her so much and did all these wonderful things for her, however, he did mess up. Yes, Buffy did keep the fact that Lindsey was his daughter from him -- but he knew and he never came forward either. While he was loving Buffy, she was loving Angel. That's just the way it is. She was a woman who did love her husband and was betrayed, not once, but twice by him in a manner that was an incredible blow to her self esteem. Spike did help her and made her feel better, but it's not always easy to bounce back from a hurt that deep. The person she leaned on and trusted, and considered her best friend kept something from her and his betrayal is just another hurt that Buffy had to endure. I have to ask how any of you would feel if the same thing were done to you? Would you forgive only because it's Spike? Or would you be angry as well? People do crazy things when they are hurt: they lash out, they don't always take the high road. She's HUMAN. And so is Spike. It's all part of the journey for everyone involved. Please try to put yourself in her shoes and consider how it would feel if it seemed everyone around you was making choices for you and you felt as if you had no control over your own life. It's a sucky feeling, I've been there.
You guys know me by now, or should anyway. You know that I love the angst and I love the pain (lol). But you also know that I don't want to make a story in which the characters don't grow and learn and evolve. IT WILL HAPPEN. I'm not saying you have to agree with everything she does (or I do), I'm just asking that you try to put yourself in her shoes for a minute and try to UNDERSTAND. That's all.
Thank you :)
You guys know me by now, or should anyway. You know that I love the angst and I love the pain (lol). But you also know that I don't want to make a story in which the characters don't grow and learn and evolve. IT WILL HAPPEN. I'm not saying you have to agree with everything she does (or I do), I'm just asking that you try to put yourself in her shoes for a minute and try to UNDERSTAND. That's all.
Thank you :)