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Chapter Thirty one

“So, tell me all the dirt,” Lorne said as she pushed Buffy’s Coke towards her, and centered the basket of onion rings between them. They were indeed in a dive; a little diner that Buffy had passed by and never noticed on a daily basis. And, if she had noticed it, she probably would have thought it closed down. It was darker than what she imagined a diner to be like, but, for some reason, she trusted Lorne’s taste and thought nothing of picking up the greasy, artery clogging ring and stuffing her mouth with it.

“Hello bypass,” Lorne hummed and munched away.

She giggled, “I’ll say.”

“Come on,” he said, tapping her forearm. “The story.”

She sighed and grumbled. “Do I hafta?”

“Do you want to carry the weight of the world around still? Do you want to get out of the cave?”

“Isn’t that why I’m going to group?”

“Well,” he nodded, “There is that, yes. But I have a sense—“

“That the psychic or the therapist talking?”

“Both; and they say that something is up with you missy,” he pointed at her, swirling his finger around and narrowing his eyes at her. He sat back and reached for a ring. “Tell me about this husband of yours. How is it that he ran off with his high school sweetheart that he’d carried a torch for? What are the odds of that happening?”

Taking a deep breath, Buffy sat back and crossed her arms. “That is indeed a trippy story. The whole thing is really trippy.”

“And I thrive off trippy.”

“Do you believe in fate and destiny, Lorne?” she asked, leaning forward, watching him curiously.

He gave her a look. “I think you know the answer to that dumb question.”

She laughed, “Got a point there. Okay, my story sounds a lot like fate and destiny were at work, so maybe you want to wear both hats here. . . “

“I’m on it!”

Launching into the story, Buffy told Lorne about her and Spike knowing each other in high school, through her sordid marriage, through the conception Lindsey, and up to the point where she saw the flier. Lorne listened, his mouth hanging open in quite a few areas, his eyes widening on others, and a general look of disbelief overtaking his features more often than not.

When she finished, Buffy felt as if she’d unloaded part of that weight he was talking about. It felt so good to tell someone everything. It was amazing how well talking about your feelings and experiences worked. Talking really was therapeutic!

Buffy eyed him apprehensively and braced herself for what he would say. She couldn’t imagine him telling her anything worse than what she already felt and thought herself, but she braced herself just the same.

Taking a deep breath, Lorne met her eyes. “I’m going to give you some advice that you can choose to take or not.”

She nodded briskly, “Okay.”

“I think, if you can afford it – and Tara owns a daycare, F.Y.I—that you should put Lindsey in preschool until she starts kindergarten in September. And,” he said, holding up his hand when Buffy started to disagree, “I am not saying that because I think Spike spending time with his daughter is a bad idea, I think it’s an insanely good idea, however, it’s not healthy for you or him. It’s not healthy for the relationship he wishes to have with you and you do not wish to reciprocate at this time—seeing each other as much as you do, day in and day out will only lead to further strained relations. Also, the day will come – as snippets of it already has – where one or both of you will use Lindsey to help, or destroy further the situation between the two of you. And that’s not fair to Lindsey. Furthermore—“

Her brows rose, “There’s a furthermore?”

“You betcha. Furthermore, even though you and Spike are doing a fairly good job at keeping your strained relationship under wraps, children are quite intuitive and on some level, she feels it. She’s already picked up on it a few times, but was looking for you clarification about it, it seems.
It’s also just plain not healthy for you. Or Spike. You two need distance from each other and lots of it. If he wants to see Lindsey, then he needs to come over like any Dad who is not with the mother does, and take her out. He can take her to his place or go to the park – anything. But you two do not need to engage in any conversation at this point that is not about Lindsey’s welfare.”

He leaned forward, “Buffy, you have a lot of emotion tied up in this: Sorrow, anger, feelings of failure, guilt and loss. Spike, and your relationship with him, should you one day wish to pursue it again, cannot survive if the only place you have to unload those emotions is at him.”

“Don’t you think I’m justified in being angry?” she asked, her voice wavering in doubt.

Lorne nodded. “I do. Now, I don’t know this Spike guy, I can only make guesses based on what you’ve told me about him. And, so, from what I’ve heard – and reading between the lines of it – is that he loves you, but his love for you is bordering on obsession. Especially at this point. He had you in his grasp after wanting you for so long, but then he lost you just as quick.”

“That’s not my fault that he wanted me and never said anything—“

“No one said it was your fault. How would you have been able to know? He was never forthright with his feelings when you knew him so long ago. Not until after you slept together, it seems, but then . . . Then you both took wrong turns and made some flubs. But Buffy, it’s not the mistakes you make that define you. It’s how you handle those mistakes after you’ve realized what you’ve done that defines you. You can stay stuck in a rut or you can break from it, change, grow and evolve from it to make a better life for yourself. Going to group was the first step to seeing that that was what you needed to do.”

Buffy’s eyes welled up with tears, feeling a shift within her at those words, feeling something quite close to hope bubble up within her. Hope that she was finally on the right path. “Thank you,” she whispered.”

“I’m not done yet,” he grinned softly. “So don’t thank me just yet.”

She laughed nervously, “Okay.”

“It’s not only good for you to take a step back and get some perspective, but it’s good for Spike as well. He seems to be in a state of pushing forward when there’s nothing left to push, and he’s just really going against the tide at this point; which is probably very frustrating for him.
Buffy, I’m not going to sit here and say that Spike’s feelings are not real. It seems that he’s gone through a lot and done a lot to ensure your happiness and, well, you do things when you love someone that often times take away from your own comfort—“

“Like I did with Angel,” she whispered.

“Right. Exactly. Like you did with Angel. While Spike might not realize it, he in a way seems to fault you for doing those things for Angel that he wishes you would have done for him instead. In his eyes, he sees Angel as just being the cheating husband that you should have left, but did not – and that confuses him; it hurts him. He’s built you up over time Buffy, we all do it –romanticize the one we’re not with. And now he has the reality of it and I don’t think he’s quite ready – nor you—to deal with that reality just yet. He wants the fantasy he built up in his head, but, there’s so much crap to muddle through first. We’ll leave that for another time.” He grinned. “Spike saw – and I’m only speculating still – Angel and Fred leaving as a done deal. He saw that it wouldn’t have mattered either way if he’d awakened you or not. Partly because of what Fred told him that morning, plus the situation that was unfolding before him; but also partly because of what of he knew of Angel, his history with Fred, and Angel’s history with infidelity. He sees it as doing you a favor. He kept you from having to witness Angel leaving. He kept Lindsey from having to witness who she believed were her parents probably having an all out brawl and then seeing, who she thought was her father, leaving with another woman who was not her mother. He, in his own way, was protecting you and Lindsey from that hurt.”

“And, making sure that I never kicked him out of my life for bringing her here.”

“Can you understand, from his perspective, why? He had a lot to lose as well.”

“And everything to gain, right?” she said bitterly.

“He hasn’t gained much right now, has he? The thing Spike is not getting is that yes, Angel might have still left with Fred, that yes, it would have been messy, but, he didn’t give you the opportunity to do anything about it either way. You didn’t get to say ‘Angel you prick, don’t leave’ or ‘Angel, you prick, get the fuck out of my house’ – because Spike made the decision to protect you and Lindsey – and himself, let’s be honest – and you had no say. Then there was the pretending, the acting if you will, of Spike acting like he too, was jilted.
Buffy, do you think Angel would have left if you’d gotten up and tried to stop him?”

Buffy stared at Lorne, pondering that. “Yes.”

“Would you have tried to stop him knowing what he was planning to do?”

“I don’t know. I can sit here and speculate and say that maybe I would have been so disgusted and fed up with him that I would have told him to get the fuck out, or I could say that I would have begged him to stay because…because he was all I really knew…but I don’t know.”

Lorne nodded, “It’s a crippling feeling when you feel as if you could have done something – whether it was giving the kiss off, or begging for one to stay – but not being able to be given that choice; that chance. Especially since you already felt so helpless in your marriage.”

“Oh God,” Buffy sighed, “That’s a whole other issue.”

Lorne smiled, “It is. And I think we’ve covered enough ground for tonight. Don’t you think?”

“Can I thank you now?”

“Yes.”

She reached across the table and took his hands in hers. “Thank you.”

“Will you consider the daycare option for Lindsey?”

“Yes.”

“Then I thank you.”

“Don’t thank me just yet,” she said on a tired sigh. “I still have to get by Spike on that one first.”





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