Arriving home, thoughtful from her talk with Lorne, Buffy braced herself for the talk she was about to have with Spike. She was determined there would be no harsh words, no hurting for the sake of hurting – she would be direct and adult. If not for her, or for him, then for Lindsey.
Lorne was absolutely right. They needed time apart from one another; they needed to not be around each other so much or they’d just keep going twenty rounds. It wasn’t as if she enjoyed being hateful to him. Quite the contrary; it made her sick, it made her angry at herself, and it hurt her even more. It was simply not healthy and if she wanted to purge herself from all that anger and hurt, then she needed to start by getting some breathing room.
It wasn’t as if Spike couldn’t use it either. If the bags under his eyes lately were any indication, he needed the respite from her too. He just wouldn’t be the first to say it, and honestly, she wished that he would.
God, he was stubborn, but then, so was she.
Pushing the door open, she found Spike sitting on the couch, feet up on the coffee table, with flicker in hand. He seemed so . . . out of place, as if he did not match the room or the house and well, she felt out of place here too. She really had to get on the ball on selling and moving. It was time to go.
“Hey,” she greeted him, walking into the living room.
Immediately he sat up and flicked the TV off, clearing his throat. “Hi. So, uh, how’d...?”
Sitting down on the rocking chair against the wall, facing him at an angle, she nodded, “It went well.”
“You gonna tell me where you went or do I have to guess, luv?”
Taking a deep breath she said, “I went to a Divorce Support Group.”
His brows rose and his eyes widened. “Oh. Well, that’s good,” he said slowly.
“It is good. And, listen, I wanted to talk to you about something.”
“Tell me,” he said, head cocking to the side as he studied her.
“I want to put Lindsey in preschool,” she blurted out.
“Looking for more ways to punish me, eh Buffy?”
She bit back a snap that was forming and shut her eyes, praying for strength. Opening them, she said with conviction, “No. Quite the opposite actually. I think it’d be good for her and for us.”
“There’s an us?”
She looked at him, “There’s an us in regards to us being Lindsey’s parents.”
He shook his head and sat back, “I see.”
“Spike, aren’t you tired of the fighting? I mean, really, all we do is argue—“
“You mean, you’re done with your favorite pastime of ‘Kick the Spike’?” he asked sarcastically.
She met his eyes and said resolutely, “Yes.”
His gaze wavered and he sighed, running a hand through his hair. “So am I,” he admitted, “I’m tired of it too. And that little girl feels it, I know she does. Know what she asked me today?”
”What?”
“If I was happy. Nearly blew me out of the water.”
“What did you tell her?”
“I told her that yes, I was. What was I supposed to say?”
“I honestly don’t know.”
“So, yeah, I’m tired of the fighting. It’s why I’ve backed off. Why I’ve given you space.”
“Yeah, well –“
“You can’t keep me from her, Buffy,” he told her in a manner that meant business. “I won’t let you keep me from her. I missed so much already, I won’t let you take her from me.”
“Spike, if I was going to keep her from you, then I already would have done it. I made a promise to myself, to her and to you that I would not keep you two apart any longer,” she said sternly. “I just think that . . . that you and I need more space. That being here everyday and having to see each other every day as we have is not healthy.”
“So you are punishing me.”
“No. I’m trying to heal. Don’t you need to heal too?”
“Buffy, I lo—“
“Don’t say it,” she held up her hand to stop him, “Please don’t say it.”
He stopped, hurt evident on his features before he sighed and looked away from her.
”I don’t want to fight anymore and I don’t want to see you every day anymore, Spike. I want you to move on.”
His head snapped to hers.
“Move on, eh? That what you plan on doing? Move on to a fellow divorcee in your group that you don’t have any ties to or—“
“No, Spike, I don’t plan on moving on with anyone. I don’t have any desire to move on with a man. I think I just need to be by myself for a while and get my life back on track. I went from being Angel’s wife to your girlfriend and –“
“And since you hate me now. . . “
She scowled at him, “Stop fishing. Stop either trying to make me snap or you or trying to goad me into admitting something that is pretty much dried up right now.”
He stood, his face a mask of anger. “As usual it’s all about what I’m doing to you, what about what you’re doing to me?”
“This,” she stood, “is for you too. I don’t want to fight with you anymore, Spike. I’m done. I don’t have any fight left in me to do this anymore. How can you? Aren’t you tired of it? Aren’t you done too? You just told me that you backed off to give me space—“
“But now you want me to what? Come over here and act like I’m your divorced husband here on my allotted time to visit my daughter like some sod with his tail between his legs?”
She blinked, “Well, that’s a rather colorful and dreary way to put it, but yes. I want you to come over here and pick your daughter up and take her out rather than spend your time here.”
“You’re kicking me out completely,” he murmured.
“If you choose to look at it that way—“
”How else can I look at it?” he asked incredulously.
“That I’m trying to make things better; less strained. That I’m not only trying to give me a new life, but you as well. A life that isn’t so angry and hurtful.”
“We were happy,” he whispered, looking down.
“We were, but we’re not now and I think we should find what’s going to make us happy since it’s clearly not each other right now.” It was a hard statement to say, which struck her as funny considering the mean things she’d said to him as of late. It was true though – there was no happiness to be had for either side.
“You want me to find someone else?” he asked with trepidation.
She looked up at him, “If you meet someone and she strikes your fancy, then yes.” Even if the prospect did hurt more than she thought it would despite how angry she was with him. “Spike, we might . . . we might not be it for each other.”
“And fate and destiny? What about all that?”
“Perhaps it was just for Lindsey. Maybe . . . maybe it was a test. A test designed to see what we’d do, how we’d handle things from here on out. Maybe it was more of a life test than a test our relationship. Fate and destiny might have other plans for us. So, perhaps you’ll find that girl that you’re really meant to be with while you’re out with Lindsey one day or –“
“Buffy, just stop, please,” he said, his voice strained. “Just. . . shut up.”
“I’m sorry.”
His head snapped up to hers. “Are you really?”
Yes and no, she thought, but wasn’t sure how to explain that to him or even to herself so she chose to say nothing.
“Maybe you shouldn’t say it until you can mean it,” he muttered.
She nodded. “I’ll um, be looking into a preschool tomorrow. Since she is your daughter and you do have say, if you want to check them out with me, you can or if you have an idea already of where might be good...”
“I’ll come with you, I want to check them out too, make sure they’re good.”
“One of the ladies at group, she has a daycare and I was thinking I could check it out. I believe it’s called Rainbow Preschool.”
Spike nodded, “Let me know when you set up an appointment.”
“Will do.”
Shuffling to the door, Spike turned at the last minute and met her gaze. “Night, Buffy.”
“Night, Spike.”
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