Had she ever been happy? she had to wonder.
Well, there had been the brief stint with Spike. That surely had been happiness right? Or was it just the comfort and knowledge of being with someone that put her on a pedestal and adored her? And what was it that Lorne had said? Oh yes, how could she forget? He’s built you up over time . . . we all do it –romanticize the one we’re not with. And now he has the reality of it and I don’t think he’s quite ready – nor you—to deal with that reality just yet. He wants the fantasy he built up in his head. . .
Truer words had never been spoken.
And the same could be said for her. She wanted the guy that was not Angel. The guy that she mattered to, the guy that treated her like a Queen and let her be as crazy and as crappy as she wanted to be, and still loved her. The problem with situations like that was that eventually, the person who let you be all that you wanted to be and more, started to be someone you walked on and treated like dirt. They got it all simply because they asked for it. Don’t hold anything back. For that, you have asked for hell on your doorstep. You can have it all and then some, you lucky bastard.
On the other side of that coin was the lie. The treacherous lie and continuous lying. The acting. . . Misery loves company they say. And it’s true. Misery seeks out familiars to lay down its troubles with, to ease the pain by knowing that someone else is going through the exact same thing. To find out that your familiar is merely faking it for what they deem the greater good . . . well, that’s just cruel.
At the heart of it all was her. The eye in the middle of the storm. She’d stirred the pot on both sides hadn’t she? She’d dabbled in this and stuck her hand in that. She’d riled one up and put the other down, then put the other down while riling the other one up.
Basically, she was not completely innocent. It just depended on when you started the twisted tale. She was no princess, and her men were no princes, despite how desperately she wanted it to be a fairytale that would end with her being at peace with herself, with her life and with her man – whoever he might be. The idea of any man at that moment though caused her stomach to turn. Romance was out of the question. She had not been lying to Spike when she’d told him she was dried up and out of business.
Her eyes welled up as she shuffled across her room and sat in her window seat, staring out at the brilliant day. There is more to this life she thought. Sitting there, under the bright sun streaming in the windows and surrounding her, Buffy sobbed. She cried out her fears and her anger. Sobbed out her sadness, her mourning of so many things that had lain dormant inside her, just waiting for this moment when she would release them. The problem was, she was afraid that once unleashed there would be no stopping them. Who knew when they’d rise again and take over. But maybe it was okay to let that happen. Maybe it was better to find that release than to keep it all in and let it beat her up from the inside out.
It was always a surprise to her when after a good cry, she felt better. It was something that people often told you, but you never really believed. Surely crying can’t really make you feel better! How could it? Wasn’t that just giving in to the sadness? Wasn’t that just wallowing in it? At the end of that cry though, was a rainbow. The clouds parted, the sun came out and a rainbow appeared.
Standing up from her window seat, Buffy straightened, took a deep breath and a stretch and headed towards the bathroom.
She had things to do.
Spike came over during breakfast. Buffy had rang Tara after her shower and had made an appointment with her that afternoon to check on her facility. True to her word, she rang Spike immediately after to tell him when the appointment was. She informed him that she was planning still to check on other facilities and he was welcome to join her. He had agreed immediately.
She smiled as she watched him interact with Lindsey. Their little girl adored him. For the many times she’d felt guilt for keeping Spike from Lindsey, there were still those times she’d programmed it in her head to immediately issues the excuses for it. Watching them laugh together, she felt as though she were seeing them for the first time, and feeling the ramifications of that lie for the first time in Lindsey’s four years. Placing herself in Spike’s shoes, she couldn’t imagine being apart from her daughter. It’d kill her.
Feeling another onslaught of tears overcome her, Buffy hastily excused herself to clean up the kitchen. Taking the plates and bowls inside to clean, she allowed herself another cry.
This was it folks, from here on out, it was all just going to come out. She was peeling away layers it seemed. It felt like she was anyway.
“Buffy?” Spike came in and the note of concern did not go unnoticed by her.
“I’m just going to finish cleaning up and we can go,” she said quickly.
“Buffy, are you all right?” he asked and came up behind her. He laid a hand on her back lightly, as if he were afraid she’d shove him off her.
She tensed and then relaxed. Best to get it out there. She turned to him, her eyes still shining with unshed tears.
“Buffy—“
“Listen,” she implored him.
He nodded, waiting for her to continue.
“You told me last night that I shouldn’t say I was sorry unless I meant it.”
He stared at her while she mustered up her courage. The thing with apologies was that they were hard when you really meant them. Saying an off the cuff ‘I’m sorry’ for stupid bullshit that you don’t care about, and half the time have nothing to do with in the first place, is easy. Saying it when you mean it is another thing altogether.
“I’m sorry for keeping Lindsey from you for so long. I’m sorry that I lied to you. I have no excuses for how it was the right thing to do. It was deceitful of me and it was cruel to keep you from her.”
He blinked, no doubt reeling from the raw truth and honesty pouring out her. Simple words, but with so much meaning behind them. “Buffy, I . . . . I don’t know what to say.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I just wanted you to know that. I figure if I’m going to be making some changes here, then I have to start with owning up to my own mistakes. That was a huge one and I only hope that you can forgive me one day for that.”
“Buffy—“
“Don’t say that you have just for the sake of wanting to make things right or make things better between us. Say it because you really mean it. And when you do mean it, let me know. Maybe then we can find a way to put a pin it and move on.”
Clamping his mouth shut, Spike nodded slowly and shuffled out of the room.