I let the beast in too soon; I don't know how to live
Without my hand on his throat; I fight him always and still
O darling, it's so sweet, you think you know how crazy
How crazy I am
You say you don't spook easy, you won't go, but I know
And I pray that you will
Fast as you can, baby run-free yourself of me
Fast as you can
Buffy lay on her bed later that evening blasting her Fiona Apple CD and singing along to the angst-ridden music while Lindsey was over Willow’s having dinner with little Oz. The two had become quite the pair and it seemed Lindsey had a penchant for getting the pair into trouble. Funny that. Buffy hadn’t been a trouble- maker at all growing up. Perhaps her life would have been much different if she had gotten into trouble now and again.
I may be soft in your palm but I'll soon grow
Hungry for a fight, and I will not let you win
My pretty mouth will frame the phrases that will
Disprove your faith in man
So if you catch me trying to find my way into your
Heart from under your skin
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
Fast as you can, baby scratch me out, free yourself
Fast as you can
After her session with Lorne, Buffy felt . . . crazy. That was the only way to describe it. Crazy, and fragile somehow. Weak, she felt weak. She’d been living in this unhealthy pattern for so long and had never even realized what she’d been doing, what she’d allowed herself to become. What if she passed on those traits to Lindsey? Had she behaved like her mother and made Lindsey feel as though she couldn’t move beyond her rigid constraints? Or had she just kept all that in and put those standards on herself and, it appeared, Spike? What was wrong with her that she couldn’t see what she’d been doing to stop it? What was wrong with her that she couldn’t control her own life?
And there it was: Her mother’s voice in her head sounding much like her own. Buffy had to wonder – was that what her mother sounded like when she stopped to think about her own life and what had happened to it? Or was she just one of those people that just lived and didn’t think about what she was doing and where she was going. Fat lot of good all that self-analysis did for her anyway. She’d been oblivious to her own behavior.
She could still hear her mother the day she told her that Angel had had an affair.
”Oh Buffy, what did you do to make him stray?”
“Me?” she had asked incredulously, “What did I do?”
“Well surely you had to have done something. Maybe you need to have a baby, dear. That’ll keep him close to home. Men like it when their wives stay close to the home fire, so maybe you want to consider doing just that?”
Buffy remembered feeling so helpless at that point in time. She’d called her mother to get help and instead had gotten berated. She’d called for support after her husband had cheated on her and made her feel like she was nothing, and her mother blamed her. Which, in turn, made Buffy blame herself.
The only one that never blamed her was Spike. He’d blamed Angel. And how had she repaid him for that support she’d been looking for? By using him and then lying to him to keep Angel.
She also remembered when she’d called to tell her mother that Angel had taken off. All her mother had said was “Oh Buffy.” Two seemingly harmless words, one would think. But it was said in such a way that let her know that she’d obviously done something horribly wrong and was somehow impaired. Coupled with her ever growing feeling that she could do nothing right, that “Oh Buffy” hadn’t helped.
Sometimes my mind don't shake and shift
But most of the time, it does
And I get to the place where I'm begging for a lift
Or I'll drown in the wonders and the was
And I'll be your girl, if you say it's a gift
And you give me some more of your drugs
Yeah, I'll be your pet, if you just tell me it's a gift
Cuz I'm tired of whys, choking on whys,
Just need a little because, because
She’d spent so much time trying to be one thing to Angel that she wondered if she ever had been herself, at all, ever. Had she been herself with Spike? And if so, was herself just a bitch that was unable to be happy, at all, ever?
“Buffy? You here?”
Spike.
I let the beast in and then;
I even tried forgiving him, but it's too soon
So I'll fight again, again, again, again, again.
And for a little while more, I'll soar the
Uneven wind, complain and blame
The sterile land
But if you're getting any bright ideas, quiet dear
I'm blooming within
Wiping her tears away, Buffy rolled off the bed and stood, straightening herself out before heading down the stairs to see what Spike wanted.
He was standing at the bottom of the stairs, watching her. “Hi, sorry to bother you, but I tried to call and there was no answer.”
“Oh, sorry. I had the phone in the other room and couldn’t hear it.”
“No kidding,” he said slowly, eyeing her warily. “You all right?”
“Yeah, I’m fine, why?” she said, breezing past him, heading for the kitchen.
“No reason. The music – isn’t this the music women listen to when they’re angry with men?” he asked, following her.
Buffy had to smile. Leave it to Spike – and a man -- to sum it all up in that way. “Yeah, it is. What’s up?” she asked, hoping to divert the topic to what he came here for instead of getting into any nitty gritty about them or...about them . . . “Something to drink?” she asked, reaching for a cup in the cabinet.
“No, thanks. I came by to see if I could take Lindsey out tomorrow night for dinner.”
“Of course you can.”
“Wasn’t sure if you had plans with her or anything,” Spike said, trailing off.
“No, none. Just staying in tomorrow night.”
Spike nodded slowly as he still watched her closely. “I just saw her outside with Oz. She’s quite bossy isn’t she?”
Buffy grinned, “I suppose she is.” Silence fell while Buffy pondered that and she looked up at Spike inquisitively. “Where do you suppose she gets that from?”
He blinked, “Are you really asking me that or is this some kind of test?”
“I’m really asking.”
“Well, I’d have to say you, pet.”
That alone made Buffy well up. “Really?”
“Buffy, what’s going on?”
“I just...you really think so?”
“Yeah, I do. Buffy, are you sure you’re all right?”
“I’m fine, I’m just...I had therapy today and I’m feeling a little sensitive I guess.”
“About bossiness?”
“About control...” she had to wonder if she ever had enough control to be bossy. Or if she’d just taken what she could gather about her and abused it horrendously. Looking up at Spike, at how drawn and tired he looked, how sad his eyes were, how lifeless they were, she felt guilt flood her.
“Spike?”
“Hmm?”
“Why do you take it?”
“Take what?”
“The abuse. From me. Why do you take it?”
He stared at her, “I ...I love you, that’s why.”
“You shouldn’t take it.”
“What?”
”You shouldn’t take it. You should get out while you can.”
“Buffy—“
“I’m not who you think I am.”
“All right, I am not liking this at all. Is this what therapy is doing for you?”
“No, it’s what I’ve done to myself. And to you.”
“Like what?”
Her eyes widened. “What do you mean, like what? Everything!”
“What about what I’ve done to you?”
“Well, we haven’t hit that part yet. First we’ve got to muddle through my parents and how they’ve fucked me up, to how I continued to fuck me up and then we’ll be onto your part,” she quipped.
“Are you making a joke?”
“Yes, I am. See? You can’t even tell anymore when I am and when I’m not. That’s sad.”
“Sor—“
She held up her hand. “Don’t say it! We haven’t gotten to that part remember? Wait until I ask for it. Until then....”
“Until then what?”
She looked at him sadly, “Do what you like. I’m not going to tell you what to do anymore.”
“Buffy, are you sure you’re all right?”
“Oh, I think I’ll be fine.”
“Are you...on anything?”
“Nope. Just high on life, can’t you tell?”
He grinned nervously, “Do you want me to take Lindsey tonight?”
“No, Spike, don’t be ridiculous. I’m fine. Don’t worry about anything here. I’m just feeling a tad thoughtful.”
“A tad?”
“Yeah, just a tad. Look, I’m really all right. Just left with some stuff going on in my head and I’m sorting through it. It’s a good thing, trust me. If I didn’t think I could handle Lindsey tonight, or any other night, I would call you. I swear.”
Acquiescing, albeit reluctantly, Spike took a deep breath, “Okay. Do you...do you want to talk about anything?”
“Not yet, but I’ll let you know.” Run, run, run! she screamed at him. The last thing you want is me.
“I’m going to pop over and say good night to Lindsey then. I’ll see you tomorrow.”
“Sure, no problem!” she chirped and gave him the thumbs up. “See you tomorrow!” and she headed back upstairs to change her CD.
Fast as you can, baby wait watch me, I'll be out
Fast as I can, maybe late but at least about
Fast as you can leave me, let this thing
Run its route
Fast as you can
Fast as you can
Fast as you can
Fast as you can
*Song "Fast as you can" by Fiona Apple*
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Author's Chapter Notes:
I sure hope this chapter makes sense....