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“You know what I feel?” Buffy said to Lorne the next week.

“What? Tell me.”

“I feel stupid.”

“Explain.”

“I feel as though everyone thinks I’m dumb,” Buffy said, sitting back on the couch.

“That’s different than you feeling stupid. Saying you feel stupid implies that you did something wrong and therefore feel stupid for it, saying everyone must think you’re dumb implies you only feel dumb because you’re letting them make you think you are.”

Buffy sighed heavily, “Then I guess both. I sort of feel like one is related to the other.”

“Oftentimes they are. Sometimes they’re not and that’s when beating yourself up inappropriately can happen.”

“Here’s the thing. I spent all this time and energy on Angel. I cooked, I cleaned, I catered to him, I kept this horrendous lie and all for what? For a man that cheated on me, made me feel stupid and really, was just a warm body that if he was even home, was barely a father to little girl whose real father would have done anything for her, and I –“ Buffy welled up in tears. “I let him think she was hers and she wasn’t. And all for...what? So I could feel successful at something? I gave everything to that man, to that lie, and you know what? I hated it. I convinced myself that I was happy, but I wasn’t. I was dying inside and I was so...angry. Angry at him, angry at myself. How stupid he must have thought me. It wasn’t as if he supported me in any of my dreams. I mean, he was an attorney! A big shot attorney who raked in the big bucks. I went to school for art history for crying out loud. How dumb I must be. I wasted all this time on a man that couldn’t give two craps about me when I should have been spending my time with the one who did. Then I have the one that did care about me – loves me a great deal even – and he makes me feel stupid too! Like weak, fragile Buffy can’t handle anything. Let’s not tell her that her husband is leaving with another woman, the woman he really loved, and then let’s pretend we had no idea. Let’s pretend for weeks, months. Then when she finds out the truth, then say it’s because you just wanted to protect her because you loved her oh, so much.” She was ranting and crying now, and she just didn’t care. “At least I can say I didn’t love Spike. I mean, I was starting to, I really was, but then as with everything else, the rug got pulled out from under me, and here I am, flat on my ass, wondering which way to go now. He claimed to love me and he did that. Angel claimed to love me too and look what he did. Look what I’ve done all in the name of love. God! Why does anyone bother? Why should I bother? It’s given me nothing but pain. It makes everyone do stupid shit to other people that they are supposed to care about and it’s all just a big fucking mess! And now look at me. I’m in therapy. I never thought I’d need therapy, but I do. And why? Because I’m fucked up. I’m destructive to others and myself. My poor daughter doesn’t have a chance with the way things have gone for her. It’s a wonder she’s as happy as a clam right now. I should put her in therapy and buy her a shiny new car for later just to make it all up to her later when she hates me for fucking up her life just as I hate my mother for never making me feel good enough, just as I hate Angel for the same goddamn thing and just as I’m so mad at Spike for not waking me – and I hate that I can’t hate him. I hate that I look at him and I feel guilt for what I did, and then anger at what he did. I hate that I can’t fully hate him, I hate that I’ve broken him. I hate that I’ve become this person I don’t recognize anymore. I feel like there’s this shadow of me, taunting me with how I used to be. With the good time girl with all the goals and plans that I used to be and somehow lost Except I didn’t lose it, I gave it all up for Angel . “ Heaving a sigh, she spoke calmer now. ”So yes, I feel stupid, and yes I’m angry at the world, and some days, I just want to stay in bed and hide. Except I can’t because I have to keep going, keep going and going and going and . . . I don’t know what I’m going for anymore. I don’t...except for Lindsey. I keep going for her, not for me. And that’s not right is it? To have that just be it? Is that fair for Lindsey? To have a corpse for a mother? And you know what pisses me off more than anything? That Angel and Fred are happy. They got to do this shitty thing to other people and they don’t care. And those other people are here picking up the pieces while they’re happy. How is it fair that people get to do crap like that to others and they just get away with it? It’s not right, and it’s not fair. ”

Lorne took her hand in his and asked quietly, “Do you feel better now that you got that out?”

“Sort of, yeah, I didn’t know all of that was in me. I mean, obviously I knew but...” she shook her head. “All of that has been building. For years.”

“Buffy, you have to forgive yourself.”

“How? I don’t know how.”

“Simple things to start. You know what I want you to do?”

“Hmmm?”

“I want you to look into going back to school.”

“I can’t afford—“

“Financial aid. Do it. Just at least look into it. That’s your homework.”

“I have homework now?”

“Yes,” Lorne said definitively. “You have homework now. You need to feel a sense of accomplishment, and you haven’t felt that in a long time, am I right?”

Buffy nodded dumbly.

“So, I want you to accomplish looking into getting your masters. We’ll discuss what you found out next week.”

Buffy looked at him solemnly. “You’re an angel, aren’t you? Sent here on Earth just for me.”

Lorne smiled, “No, I’m human just like you.”

“I can’t thank you enough for being here.”

“You sought me out, Buffy. I just made myself available when you sought me out. You took the step; pat yourself on the back for that one.”

“I’ll try.”





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