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One Month Later

School was starting – finally. It was that breath of fresh air that Buffy was really looking forward to. The summer from hell was coming to a close and now she could put her growing positive perspective into an even more positive venue. It was like growing a plant, add enough TLC and eventually that plant grew. A week before school actually began, Buffy enrolled, got her student ID, her books, a parking sticker, notebook, folder and packet of pens all in one day. She even treated herself to new school outfits.

She had been sketching like a fiend too. Her pieces tended toward the dark as of late, and her favorite one, in which she brought in colored pencils, was a picture of Hell and writhing in agony and misery was Angel and Fred while she and Lindsey rose to the top, complete with Angel wings, waving and smiling down at them.

Spike particularly liked that one and told her she should paint it. She was considering it. She thought, but did not tell him though, that if she did, there was one added feature in that picture she hadn’t drawn, and that was him, rising above Hell with his family.

“Was it a conscious decision to not add Spike?” Lorne asked in one session.

“Yes. My original vision was to add him, but then I felt I couldn’t.”

“Why not?”

“You’ll think I’m silly.”

“Tell me.”

“Because I wanted to be able to share it with him. He always wants to see my work, and I felt that if I showed him a picture of the three of us rising from Hell, it’d set him back. He’s taken to the dating thing like a duck to water. I was afraid to throw a wrench into that.”

“Like a duck to water, eh? But it’s been a different girl every week.”

“Yes, he is, as he puts it, ‘shopping’.”

“And he still doesn’t discuss them with you?”

“Steadfastly not discussing them with me, and I’ve stopped asking.”

“He told you not to ask.”

“He did, yes, but curiosity got the better of me. It felt as though it were becoming this elephant in the room. I felt if I didn’t ask, I was going to explode.”

“Buffy, you’re so incredibly jealous,” Lorne said, sounding quite pleased by that.

She laughed, “No, really?”

“You know what else?”

”What?”

“Not long ago, you would have cringed if I accused you of being jealous, and now you readily accept that you are.”

“What can I say? I’m growing in all sorts of directions. He was outside playing with Lindsey the other night while I cleaned up dinner and he told me to answer his phone if it rang. Apparently, he’s been expecting a call from his editor. Well, it was some chick on the phone for him and I politely gave him the phone.”

“What did you really want to do?”

“Throw it at him or not give it to him at all.”

“So, what is your plan now, Buffy?”

“What do you mean?”

“You know what I mean. What do you plan to do about Spike?”

“I want him to be happy, Lorne.”

“What of you? What would make you happy?”

“Continuing the way I am, I suppose,” she said on a sigh.

“That was a cop out. You can’t tell me that you’re satisfied with seeing your gay therapist once a week.”

“I go out with Tara once in a while,” Buffy told him defensively. “And I’m starting school tomorrow.”

“Buffy, I can see it in you. You’re antsy. Restless. You weren’t this way before. You swore off men and hated life. You’re discovering a zest for it now and you share things with Spike that you’d share with –“

“Lorne, please. I don’t want to say it.”

“But you realize it?”

“I don’t want to say it.”

“Buffy, listen to me. Gloom and doom is not on the horizon for you every single time.”

“Our past is marred with it, Lorne! And I’ve hurt him already.”

“That was then. Remember what I said about moving forward? You look at past mistakes, you learn from them, and you move on. Forgive yourself.”

“I’m trying. I try a little bit every day.”

“You’ve forgiven him, so why can’t you forgive yourself?”

“It’s easier to forgive others than to forgive yourself for being so incredibly stupid for so long.”

“Meanwhile, that doesn’t mean you have to suffer because you think he’s better off without you. Buffy, this friend thing is not working—“

”Yes it is!”

“No, it’s not. You want it to so bad; you’ve convinced yourself it is. You see him just as much as before and you have a relationship with him that is not just friendly, Buffy. You’re never going to be friends with him. You might not be having sex with him, but for all intents and purposes, you have a very real relationship with him. You depend on him, and he depends on you.”

“Lorne –“

“I’m not telling you this as your therapist, Buffy, I’m telling you this as my friend.”

“You see? I’ve fucked up already!” Buffy exclaimed, bursting into tears.

“Honey,” Lorne said, coming to sit by her. “No, you haven’t. You wanted to make things right with you and with Spike. You wanted to do right by Lindsey and you wanted to move forward. You have done that. You wanted to banish the bad and bring in the good with you and Spike, you wanted to start over and obliterate all that negativity. You have forgiven him and your relationship with him has a solid base and foundation, perhaps stronger than before. But you thought it was possible that none of that would happen. You thought you’d find there was nothing, and that isn’t the case at all. There’s more. And it keeps coming to bite you and make you realize it but you’re so caught up in trying to keep it at bay, and trying to keep everything peaceful that you’re missing out. You’re trying so hard to do the right thing, that you’re doing the wrong thing for yourself.”

“What do I do? I don’t want to go storming up to Spike and say ‘Hey, guess what? I actually lo—have feelings for you. Can you not date now?’ That’s so unfair!”

“Maybe you should start by telling him you’ve forgiven him.”

She wiped away her tears. “That’s it?”

“Start there and see what happens. Sometimes, you have to give things an opportunity to unfold naturally instead of trying to fight against the grain, and making it seem natural when it’s not.”

Buffy took a deep breath, “I’ll try.”

“Good,” Lorne hugged her tight. “I have faith in you Buffy. I wish you’d have more in yourself.”

“I have confidence in myself in certain areas. Just not the area of relationships.”

“It’s like riding a bike, Buffy. You fall, you get up, and you do it again. You don’t let the bike beat the crap out of you and stop you from ever getting on it again. Just work with the bike.”

“So, Spike is kind of like a bike now?”

Lorne laughed, “I knew you’d go there. And I’m sure you wouldn’t mind riding it again, would you?”

Buffy promptly blushed and grinned.





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