Chapter Seven
Buffy slept as if she hadn't slept in months. She wondered as she finally made it out of bed without feeling sick, if she'd slept so much because of sheer stress or just because of the drinking. She guessed both.
When she was showered and dressed comfortably, she
decided it was time to face Spike. Besides, she missed her daughter. Lindsey was her saving grace right now. If it wasn't for her, she probably would have completely
crumbled by now. She snorted, who was she kidding? She was barely hanging by a thread. But she could not let Lindsey see her fall apart.
Making her way down stairs slowly, she listened to Lindsey talk animatedly to Spike, telling him her favorite parts of her day with him.
"So you had fun with the animals, poppet?" Spike asked gently.
Buffy smiled, remembering a time when he used to speak so gently to her like that. Now when they spoke it was with anger, resentment and contempt.
"I did Uncle William. I liked it best when the goat ate out of my hand."
Buffy grinned. The way she said William, it came out more like ‘Will-yum'.
"I'm glad. Maybe next time when your mom can come with us."
"What about Daddy? When is he coming home?"
Buffy waited, wondering what he'd say.
"He'll be back soon, luv," Spike said simply and that seemed to assuage Lindsey for she didn't say another word.
Taking a deep breath and praying for strength, Buffy entered the kitchen and smiled at Lindsey, avoiding Spike's gaze.
"Hey, baby, how was your day with Uncle William?" she asked, coming over and kissing the top of her head.
Lindsey smiled over her leftover pasta. "I had fun today Mommy. Are you feeling better?"
Buffy nodded, "I am. Mind if I join you?"
"Of course, Mommy!" Lindsey beamed at her.
Buffy grabbed a bowl from the cabinet and started dishing out the leftover pasta on her plate to heat up in the microwave. As she did, Spike came over and whispered in her ear. "Are you really feeling better?"
She nodded.
"Good, you remember we are still going to talk once Lindsey's in bed, yeah?"
She nodded again and slid her bowl into the microwave, moving away from Spike. She hated that she felt like such a coward.
************************************************************
Since Buffy hadn't seen Lindsey all day, her daughter requested her for her bedtime ritual. She bathed her and chatted with her about her day with Spike, read her a book and tucked her in. She gazed at her daughter for a minute before getting up off her bed to leave her to sleep.
"Honey, do you miss Daddy?" she asked lightly.
Lindsey nodded, "I do miss Daddy. I don't want Uncle William to go away though. He's fun."
"As fun as Daddy?"
Lindsey shook her head.
"Uncle William is more fun than Daddy?
Lindsey nodded and yawned.
"Get some sleep, honey. I love you."
"Love you Mommy."
"Don't forget that Mommy loves you more than anything in the whole world okay?"
"I won't Mommy."
Buffy nodded and watched as Lindsey's eyes fell shut before she shut out her light and made her way down stairs where she knew Spike would be waiting for her. Sure enough, she found him in the kitchen sitting at the kitchen table with mugs of hot cocoa. She slid into the chair across from him and looked at him, waiting.
"I had fun with her today," Spike said softly.
"I'm glad."
"Are you?"
"Yes, of course I am. I wouldn't want her to have a bad day. So if you had fun, then she had fun too."
"Plus, she is my daughter and I should be spending time with her, shouldn't I?" he kept his gaze on the mug in front of him.
"I like how I'm the asshole for never telling you, but you knew and you never came forward and staked your claim on her," Buffy said, keeping her voice calm.
Spike looked up, "I didn't want to cause problems for you."
"How noble of you."
"I'm not that noble Buffy," he said blowing air through his teeth.
"I was being sarcastic."
"I know," he sighed. "You really never got a paternity test?"
She shook her head, "No. I just . . . I just knew she was yours. And Angel wasn't much into doing the math or . . . anything else. He never wondered, I never told."
"Yeah, I know," Spike said bitterly.
"You don't get to be a martyr here Spike. You were just as much a part of what happened as I was. You didn't want to cause problems and neither did I. I loved my husband I wanted to make thing right. They'd gotten so out of
control-- "
"You know when I knew she was mine?"
"No, when?"
"When you sent me that letter after I'd moved and you told me how sorry you were for what had happened. And then you bloody thanked me."
Buffy said nothing.
"You thanked me for being there for you. And then you went and told me how you and Angel were fully together – in the carnal sense – once again. I know you're not fucking dumb, Buffy. You knew how I felt," he stopped, his
voice cracking. "You wouldn't have been so callous as to tell me you were screwing your husband again."
"Or would I have to help you get over me. If you hated me, then you wouldn't love me anymore," she pointed out.
"Fine line between love and hate."
"Don't start that philosophical bullshit on me now."
"It's true though, isn't it? Because I can tell you that there are times Buffy when I hate you so much . . . But I've never stopped loving you for a minute and God, I've wanted to."
"You sure it's really love Spike and not some unrequited teenage crush left over from high school?"
"No, Buffy, I can assure you it's not," he sounded amused by the suggestion. "Yeah, I did fall in love with you in high school—"
"How is that even possible? We barely spoke."
"I heard in a movie once that true love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another."
"Now you're quoting movie's to prove your points?"
"You're the one that believes in signs and all that shit, Buffy," Spike drawled, leaning back in his chair. "Humor me."
"I'm too tired to humor you."
"You slept all day."
"In case you hadn't noticed Spike, I'm completely drained right now. My husband left me and now with you . . . " she gestured at him, "I don't know how you do it. You come around and I'm reminded of what a fuck up I am
all over again."
"You're not a fuck up, Buffy. You're just . . . misguided."
"And you're not?"
"Oh I definitely have been, but I'm trying to fix it now. Starting here. Starting right here," he pointed his finger down on the table. "You're right that we're both to blame for what happened conceiving Lindsey together. You cheated on your husband and I slept with my so called best friend's
wife. Even if he was a rat and he had cheated on you."
"Two wrongs don't make a right," she pointed out.
"And yet we keep making those wrongs, don't we? With that, with keeping Lindsey's paternity under wraps. . . doesn't make it right that we both hid it
from her, from each other, does it?"
"No, it doesn't."
"Look at that. Buffy can admit she was wrong about something."
"Like you're any better. God, you can be such an arrogant, holier than thou bastard. You want to start casting stones, go ahead, because I can toss a
few your way too."
"I'm fully aware that I'm a hypocrite. I'm just fucking tired of it, aren't you?"
"Why now Spike?"
"Opportunity came knocking and I chose to answer."
"Only you would consider my husband leaving an opportunity."
He shrugged. "I have you to myself now, don't I?"
"Don't count on that happening for long."
Spike's jaw clenched, "I'm not going to play second fiddle again, Buffy. Do you understand me?"
"You never played FIRST fiddle, so good luck with that."
He slammed his fist down on the table, rattling it as his stormy blue eyes penetrated straight through her. "I'm not going to let some wanker be a father to her and be a husband to you again, you got that?"
Buffy stood, "He was your best friend. You betrayed him right from the start so don't act like it's MY fault for falling in love with him and marrying him. YOU never made a move on me, how the fuck was I supposed to know you harbored all these feelings for me? I'm not a goddamn mind reader."
"Don't you think it was a sign that both of us ended up at BU together? That I met Angel?" Spike asked softly.
"Am I humoring you or are you humoring me now?"
"Just answer the question, Buffy."
"I find a lot of things in life funny. Perhaps . . . coincidental?"
"Bullshit!" he flew up out of his chair, knocking it down with the force of his leap from it.
"Mommy? Uncle William?"
Both heads snapped to attention to Lindsey standing in the doorway
looking at them fearfully. Buffy sprinted into action and went to her,
scooping her up in her arms. "You okay, baby?"
"Why are you and Uncle William yelling at each other?" Lindsey asked,
sounding near tears.
"Sometimes grown-ups talk loud sweetheart, but we're not yelling at each
other baby. Just talking loudly. Come on, let's go to bed," Buffy soothed her.
"It's okay, poppet. We're sorry we woke you," Spike said, coming over and
giving her a kiss on the cheek. "Night, honey."
"Night," Lindsey said on a yawn.
"This isn't over, Buffy," Spike said softly.
"For tonight it is," Buffy said and brought her daughter upstairs to bed.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Hey guys, I wanted to thank all of you who are sticking with this...It's kind of dark, isn't it? lol. Hopefully I don't fall flat on my face weaving this tale. Trying something a little different here, so thanks for reading/reviewing !:)