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Chapter Nine

Spike blinked at her and Buffy grew annoyed. "What?" he said.

"When and how do you want to tell her?" she asked again impatiently.

"How soon in the future are you talking here, pet?"

"Should be soon don't you think?"

"Depends."

"On?"

"Well, I'm not sure when Angel plans on calling again, so it could be a while
before you get to tell him he's not really a proud papa. And really, this is
what all this about isn't it? Sticking it to Angel? So it could be quite a while
before you get the satisfaction you're desperately wanting right now."

Buffy crumbled at that because he was right and she felt like the worlds
worst mother for it. Spike was taking her in his arms before the first tear
could track its way down her cheek. She cried in his shoulder and he held
her without a word and let her soak his shirt with her salt.

**********************************************************************************************

Buffy stared up at the night sky, the black sky blanketed with stars. It was
comforting to look it, reminded her that she wasn't alone, that she was just
one small person in an entire universe. She wasn't unique in what was
happening to her. It happened every day. Sometimes it was easy to lose
sight of that when hurting.

"There you are," she heard Spike say softly behind her as he closed the
screen door and sat down beside her on the porch steps. "Nice night," he
commented.

"Mmm," she hummed in agreement. "She asleep?"

"Out for the count."

"If you don't want to do the whole routine every night just let me know
and I'll jump in."

"I don't mind it," Spike said sincerely. "I wager I missed a lot of those
nights and it's my way of making it up to her."

She turned her head slightly and looked at him. "You feel guilty."

He nodded, looking up at the sky, "I do. You might have kept it from me
Buffy, but I knew just as well as you did and I stayed away. I reckon that
doesn't make me any better."

"I'm sorry," she said softly.

"For what?"

She let out a short laugh, "You want a list? I don't even know where to
start anymore."

"How bout that letter?

"Spike, I did send you that letter to help you get over me. I thought I was
doing us all a favor. I was trying to give you the impetus to move on with your life."

"And save your marriage," he added.

"Can you blame me?"

"Not entirely. If you love Angel half as much as I love you, then I would do
anything I could to keep you."

Her breath hitched at his declaration of love, feeling that no matter how
many times he said it, she'd never get used to it and never know what to do
with it. She sat there dumbly, feeling useless.

"You don't have to say anything Buffy. The last thing I want is for you to
tell me you're sorry again."

"Spike—"

"I've been in love with you since high school," he said, shaking his head.
"But you knew that right?"

"I thought it was just a crush. You mentioned it once in college, I didn't
know . . . "

"Yeah, bloody high school," he drawled, leaning back on his elbows. "You
with your football boyfriends, walking around with a lollipop in your mouth
driving blokes like me up the sodding wall. Especially blokes too shy to get
up the nerve to talk to such a beauty as you," he finished on a whisper.

She felt warm all over at his confession and the raw sincerity in his tone.
Words drifted into her mind, remembered words that he'd said as they'd
made love. Words she'd tried to block out.

****************************************************************

"I love you. . . Love you so much. . . " Spike whispered against the shell of her ear as he thrust inside her.
"Spike . . . " she moaned, turning her head.
"Love you so much. . . Always. Don't cry, baby. Don't cry . . . I'm gonna take care of you."
*******************************************************************
"You moved when? Middle of junior year?," he continued, "And I still loved you. I know you think it's crazy. How could I have loved you if I'd barely spoken to you? But I did." He shook is head. "Sodding romantic, I am. Love's bitch, I am. I can admit it. You're the only one though, Buffy, the only one I've ever loved and the only one I probably will ever love."

"Fred. You said you could love her," she stammered, feeling breathless.

"She's not here is she?"

"Well, I'm just thinking if you thought you could love her then maybe you
could love again," Buffy clarified.

He sat back up, "I lied. You never let me finish before; didn't want to hear
what I had to say. I was going to tell you—"

"Spike."

"Yeah, just like that. Only I'm gonna say it now all right? She wasn't you
and it was always you. I wanted to, God knew I wanted to so that I could
finally get on with my life, but," he paused shaking his head. "I lied to
myself."

"Spike, I just . . . I don't know what to say . . . or do."

"You can't know right now. It's hard with Angel being gone and him being
the one you. . ."

"Why didn't you every say anything to me?"

"You confided in me when you thought your marriage was in shambles.
Let's be honest, it kind was there for a while. I couldn't turn you away . . . I
had to be what you needed. I just . . . whatever was going to make you
happy, it's what I wanted too. Even if it wasn't me. I'd do anything for these
feelings to stop," he whispered, looking down.

Buffy turned towards him, wanting to comfort him in some way, but he
held up an arm, stopping her. "Spike—"

"Don't. I don't want your pity. I just wanted to tell you once and for all how
I felt so that there won't be any misunderstandings in the future about it.
Done a lot of sharing over the past few days pet, haven't we? If we're gonna
air it all out, then I wager it's time we lay it all out, don't you think?"

"All of it?"

"All of it."

"Dangerous, don't you think?"

"Depends on what you're airin'," he said and grinned.

"Anything else you wish to ‘air'?"

"In time."

"You just said—"

"Doesn't mean I'm ready to do it all right now."

She nodded, "Fair enough." A beat. "So after we're done airing all of this . . .
this STUFF out. What is the plan then?"

"That all depends on you."

"On me? Why me?"

"Told you before, Buffy. You're not a dummy. You'll figure it out." He stood
and she looked up at him. He grinned. "I'll make sure of it."





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