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The house had been so quiet these two weeks, and she hadn't heard from Spike. It felt like a thousand times, that she'd picked up the receiver on the phone just to call him, just to make sure that he was okay. However, her pride always got the better of her and made her hand heavy, until she replaced it back onto its cradle. Pride was stopping her from seeking him out, and stopping the pain that tore through her every second, of every minute, of every hour. Self-doubt became paramount with each day that passed, that she'd made some unfair judgments, as far as he'd been concerned, that maybe the whole situation had gotten out of control, and they could have dealt with this in a better way. She realized that he had something to answer for, and her need to protect herself had spiralled out of control. He’d let his stubbornness and self-determination override any hope of talking it through calmly and peacefully.

Yet the fact that not even once, had he even tried to get in contact with her, hurt her deeply. It helped in keeping her pride in control of her emotions, and dampened any resolve in seeking him out. She hadn't really slept much in the last few weeks, she'd lie in her bed at night, straining to hear the front door open, and hear the footsteps on the landing. Yet every night, she'd waited in vain. It just intensified her feelings of betrayal and desertion, even though she'd been the one to tell him to 'get out'. She'd hoped deep down that he would fight harder for her, and for them.

He hadn't, he'd walked out on her without a single glance back, the cold look on his face had killed any hope. He'd compared her to Lily, he’d compared her to the woman that had deeply betrayed him. That was the cruellest thing that he could have ever said to her, she'd learnt what a convincing liar her sister had become, and he dared compare her. She halted her train of thought, as she reminded herself that she'd allowed Lily's words from her letter to come back and haunt her. She'd permitted them to sway her thoughts and accuse him of just about everything. She'd let her insecurities nurture those accusations, and her pain give rise to them.

And her pride deny her everything else.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


The hotel room was cold and impersonal, but it was better than either place he'd called home. Home with Lily. Home with Buffy. The opulence of the room, with all its conveniences and beautiful views of the city, didn't make an ounce of difference to him. He'd stared out this same window for two weeks, looking at everything and nothing. The only view he saw was Buffy telling him to 'get out', and leave their…no… her home. He was totally defeated, he didn't know how to tell her he was sorry, that at least wasn't a lie, and his dreams for them weren't just an empty fantasy.

So again, he started what had seemed to become a ritual to hide his pain, and give him time to forget. Grabbing his coat, he walked across the street to the bar opposite the hotel and sat himself down on the same stool he had been sitting every night for at least the last week. The barman greeted him with some hesitance in the nod of his head, Spike may be repeat business, but he was repeat drunk business, and to some effect he kept the ladies in for that little while longer. Even though he had a few ladies attention every night, he never left with one of them, he'd talk but that was about it, just talk. Yet he'd always leave on closing time, sometimes as drunk as he could make himself, with such a lost look on his face.

Tonight was no different, he sat and ordered the same straight whiskey as always. The same thoughts would fill his mind, he'd try to find the right words to say, to make her see that he was sorry for everything, to make her see what he felt for her was real, to see that they belonged together. Each swallow of alcohol made the dream more real and possible, the drink fogged his brain to the true reality around him. It gave him the courage in his mind to do what he just couldn't do.

Go and talk to her.

"Hey mate! Another!" Spike lifted up the empty glass to the barman.

"So what's your poison?" A feminine voice came from beside him, and a petite blonde came and sat beside him. For a microsecond he thought she'd come to him, for a microsecond he actually felt happiness, for a microsecond he felt relieved. Spike nodded his head politely to acknowledge her presence, but didn't talk to her, the last thing he wanted was to get into any conversation, the only thing he wanted to get acquainted with was the J.D. "Let me guess the shy type?"

"Look Miss, I really am not interested in any conversation or small talk." Spike grabbed the refilled drink, and threw it straight down his throat. "If you'll excuse me."

"Such a gentleman! But no need to leave, I mean I'm just looking for some company." The blonde didn't give up easy. "They say misery loves company."

"Who said I was miserable?"

"Honey it's pouring off you in showers! You’re so standoffish they'd have to peel it off with acetone, to get it off you!"

"Look lady like I said. I ain’t interested in any conversation or small talk!"

"Okay, okay!" She moved back deeper into her stool, and ordered a drink, occasionally she'd eye the platinum blonde, looking for that moment when the booze would kick in, and so would she.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The phone rang late that night as Buffy was just about to go to bed, she'd had another long soak in the bath to try and relieve the deep tension she was feeling. She was trying to relax for the sake of the baby, her blood pressure hadn't been good when she'd gone to visit Dr Singer for a check up. She couldn't deny the reason why her pressure was so high, but she was just too damn proud to do anything about it. She got up from her dresser, pulling herself up slightly with the edge of the furniture for leverage, and walked to her extension next to the bed.

"Hello."

"Hello Miss Summers?" A quiet British female voice asked.

"Yes, who's this?"

"Excuse me Miss Summers', but it’s Evelyn Freemantle here." The voice on the other side identified herself. "I'm sorry to call so late, well I'm not sure what time it is there. I'm calling from London my dear, and this was a number that was given to me sometime ago."

"Mrs Freemantle?"

"Yes dear, William's mother. I'm trying to find my wayward son, we haven't heard from him in about two weeks, and he hasn't been at the office, and he’s not answering the phone. I thought that maybe you may have heard something from Lily, about where he maybe?"

"No. No I haven't heard from either him or Lily." Buffy tried to keep her voice calm and rational.

"Have you heard or seen from him at all?" She asked, but the hesitancy was thick in her voice as she continued. "Well I can't suppose that you have. We, well his father and I were hoping that he and Lily might have been together. You know my dear, forgotten all this silliness about a divorce. Young people these days, no idea about marriage and commitment."

Buffy nearly dropped the phone as she listened to his mother, and the obvious truth that they didn't know about her or the baby, their grandchild, she carried. Spike hadn't even bothered to tell them, or so it would appear. She felt like she was a secret kept from the parents, something to be ashamed of, even though she knew that not to be true. She knew that Spike probably had his reasons, but that didn't help her not feel like a dirty little secret, to be kept from family and friends.

Trying to keep her composure, Buffy spoke to the woman. "I'm sorry Mrs. Freemantle, but I have absolutely no idea where your son is, and to be honest I haven't seen him in a few weeks."

"Alright, I am sorry to bother you dear at this time of night. May I ask how your sister is at least?"

"She's fine." Buffy could only guess.

"Good." Mrs. Freemantle replied. "Well dear I must keep ringing around to try and find him, if you see him will you tell him to call his mother!"

"I'm sure he's alright Mrs. Freemantle. If there's one thing he can do that's look after himself." The sarcasm rich in her voice.

"Goodnight."

"Goodbye Mrs. Freemantle." Buffy hung the phone back onto its cradle, as the conversation reverberated deep within her mind. She felt so let down, and further betrayed by him. The conversation with his mother made it plain, he hadn't even told his family about her, or the baby.

The phone call had only stirred further concern she’d been feeling about Spike, despite everything that had happened, she still worried about him. She would have thought, that he would have at least let her know where he was, just in case anything had happened in her pregnancy. This was totally out of character for him, especially considering that even when he and Lily had been together, they, or he had always let her know where they'd gone for quiet weekends away. Even when no one else knew where they were, Buffy was the one person that did. Hoping that he hadn't done anything stupid or irrational, she made the decision to go find the stupid idiot. Despite everything she still cared about him.

Walking to her closet, she dressed, in jeans, jumper and jacket, as it was turning into a bleak night with what looked like storm clouds. Of all the nights for her to go looking for him, it would have to be this one, but deep down she knew she wouldn't sleep, knowing that no one appeared to know where he was. Taking a deep breath, she walked down the staircase, out the back to the garage and her car. She slid into the drivers seat and adjusted the it to accommodate her growing size, then readjusted the mirrors and for a moment just sat there. Not sure where to start, she ran the possibilities through her mind, and came up with a blank. She supposed the most obvious place was his home, the one that he'd shared with Lily all these years.

Gunning the engine, she reversed the car out of the drive, and turned down the street en route for the upper end of town, towards her destination.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"So cutie, whattt….what brings.. you to a placceee like this?" Spike's words slurred as the alcohol clouded his thoughts; he also swayed slightly in his chair, as the blonde leaned over to show more of her cleavage to the drunk. She suggestively inclined her body over him, and glided her hand along his button shirt, feeling the stitching along the midline of the fabric, grazing her manicured nails along the surface. He never felt her hand lean further over his shirt, near his coats' inner pocket, as she relieved him of his wallet. To onlookers it looked like a couple getting all heavy at the bar, and they looked like they were enjoying it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Buffy stood on the front step of the entrance to the house, she swore to herself she would never enter again. With some courage she made her way to the front door, and rang the bell, she waited for a short time, before she pushed her face onto the glass that stood at the side of the massive front entry doors. She could just see a light on, that came from the kitchen from the back of the house, she banged her fist on the door, hoping that this may persuade Spike to come out of hiding. When that appeared not to be working, she made her way around to the back of the house and the source of the light.

With a clearer view of the inside of the house, she could see that no one appeared to be in the lower levels of the house. Deciding to take a chance that he was upstairs, she took out her keys to the house that Lily had given to her, when Spike and Lily had first brought the house, and let herself in. She walked into the spotless kitchen, which Lily had always insisted on, being the neat freak that she was, its' pure white décor giving Buffy the shivers like it always did. Its stark impersonality had always made her cringe, and considering what had happened over the last months, made her hate it even more.


Making her way into the lounge room, to her horror she took the sight of the room in, and its horrendous contrast to the kitchen. Furniture had been overturned, curtains pulled down, coffee and side tables smashed, with glass sheered in every centimeter of the room. It reeked of alcohol. Buffy could see what was left of bottles littered across the carpet, and amber stains on the pure white paint of the walls. It looked like the place had been ransacked, but she knew better, it looked like Spike had been taking his anger out on the room. A bitter shiver ran down her spine, she'd never known him to lose his cool like this, he'd always never been shy to show his feelings, but never like this. It looked as if a rage had taken hold of him, and the room had born the brunt of it.

With some hesitancy, she walked into the hallway, turning on lights as she went to find her way along the house. She found the upstairs in even darker disarray, and the most
derelict room was the master bedroom. Clothes were thrown everywhere, and furniture over turned, the dresser was the only piece of furniture not showing any signs of damage.
On it, she found two piles of pictures of her and Lily, all the pictures of her sister torn into little pieces, and those of her littered the dresser. The ones where she stood alone ran along the mirror of the dresser, and others obviously of her and her sister were torn into two, hers' lay spread over the surface of the dresser and those of her sister littered the floor.

Yet one clear stood out, it was turned up on one side, it was a Christmas picture of the three of them, taken when they'd decided to go ahead with the surrogacy, together they stood arms around each other, with Buffy in the middle. Except now Lily had been torn out of the picture, and just the two of them stood side by side, with Spike looking at her with such a joyful look on his face, filled with gratitude that he was finally going to get the family he dreamed of. Buffy could feel the tears strain in her eyes, they'd been so happy on that day, well Buffy had thought that all three of them had been happy.

Memories of that day came back, as Buffy remembered Lily huddled in the corner of the room, talking on her mobile phone, trying to placate someone. She remembered that Lily had made some excuse that it was some relative of Spikes', wanting them to come over for Christmas. Closing her eyes in hate and loss, she could only now surmise that she had been talking to Liam, and had been trying to put him off from seeing her that day.
Yet the sight around her worried her even more, the destruction of the house showed the dark feelings that had a grip on Spike. With an even greater concern, she looked around the house trying to find a clue about where he could be. It was obvious that no one was living here in this mess. Giving up and going back down the stairs, the hallway phone caught her attention, the phone book lay strewn on the floor, it's pages folded in on themselves or torn at the edges from being harshly discarded. With a little intuition, Buffy picked up the phone and waited to see if the dial tone came. The purring of the tone showed that the phone was still connected, with a single finger she hit the redial button, and waited for the person at the other end to pick up the phone.

"Hello Majestic Hotel, how may I help you?"


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


Driving her way across town once more, she drove towards the hotel after talking to a very reluctant receptionist, she'd managed to get out of her that 'yes a Mr. Freeman', was staying at the hotel, and that 'yes it would be nice if his pregnant wife surprised him, whilst he was on business, because she missed him so much'. It had been hard to lie, but she hoped the 'pregnant wife' bit, would loosen the tongue of the woman who answered the phone. The 'Mr. Freeman' part was easy to guess, Spike was so predictable in some things, he always use the same bogus name when he wanted anonymity, or wanted to escape with Lily for a little while. At least some of Lily's little tidbits about their weekends away, were paying off.

The valet took the car keys from her, as she dropped the car off to be parked; the doorman tipped his hat in greeting as he opened the door for her. Walking through the grand foyer of the hotel, with its velvet lounges and high chandeliers, Buffy could see that at least Spike had decided to do his running away in style. She headed straight to the Reception Desk and waited for the young man to finish serving his guest, "I won't be a moment madam," he acknowledged her presence.

She waited a good five minutes for the two to finish whatever they were doing, and finally had the staffs attention. "How may I help you madam?"

"I would like to speak with one of your guests, a Mr. Freeman please."

"And you are madam?"

"Mrs. Freeman." She'd gotten this far lying, she might as well go the whole yard, as she smiled hoping that this would convince him even more of her lie. She made it even worse by standing back a bit from the counter, and rubbing her pregnant tummy. "I thought I'd surprise Daddy with a visit from the little one." She pointed her finger towards her 'bump'.

"Ahh what a lovely surprise Mrs. Freeman. I'm sure Mr. Freeman would enjoy seeing you, but unfortunately I just cannot give you access to his room because, you say your Mrs. Freeman. I'm sorry, but it’s hotel policy."

"I totally understand that, but could you ring him and tell him that 'Buffy's here'?"

"One moment." He moved away and picked up the phone dialed a number and waited, after a short time he came back. "I'm sorry Mrs. Freeman, but he is not answering. Would you care to wait in the lobby for him?"

"Yes thank you, but would you keep trying? Please it's important." Buffy pleaded with the man.

"Please take a seat and I'll let you know if and when he answers, or you can catch him on his way back in."

"Thank you." Buffy walked over to one of the deep lounges and took up residency in the seats, and waited.

For a while Buffy watched the traffic, come and go within the hotel lobby, the doorman smiled as sometime later he walked passed her and whispered something to the man behind the desk, as he peered back at her. She watched him walk past her again with this time a strained smile, and the look of he 'knew something'. Not wanting to wait for them to come to her, she made her way to the front door and the door attendant.

"Have you seen him?"

"Him madam?"

"Yes him, Mr. Freeman?" Buffy was getting more frustrated as time passed.

"Umm, yes Madam I have, but you're better waiting here. It is warmer in here and it is raining outside Madam. No type of weather for a pregnant lady like you to be in." He gestured with his hand the rain that had started to fall, and the warm interior of the hotel.
"Where is he? Please it's important?"

"Please Madam…"

"Just tell me!"

With great hesitation, he gestured out the door and across the street. "I believe Sir is in that establishment. See Madam, it's much better that you wait in here." His distaste for the bar clear to see on his face.

Not wanting to wait, or care for the door attendant's obvious displeasure, she opened the door herself and walked out onto the street. She crossed the road, as the rain came pouring down. Buffy grabbed her lapels, hugging the coat as closely as she could to herself. Standing in front of the shop front, Buffy peered in.

Stunned and too shocked to move she watched as a blonde woman, encased herself around Spike, with no inhibitions as she flashed her low cut blouse in front of him. She watched as the woman's hand ran along his chest, and into his coat, grazing the fabric with her nails. What made it worse was Spike did nothing to stop her, nothing to get the woman off him. He did nothing, but smile and whisper something to her.

Like the rain that fell around her, her tears poured in silence, not heard or seen by the man they were for. He didn't see her standing there, see her pain, or see her cry of despair that screamed from inside her. He was too caught up in the woman, who was trying to get him interested in her. The woman he was letting touch him, because he couldn't have the one he really craved, because she reminded him a little of her. Her hair and size, was enough to give him the distraction she was, he knew it wasn't her, but for a few minutes he let himself think that it was.

He let himself live his drunken haze fantasy.

The barman noticed her in the cold wet rain, just standing there with her coat huddled around her, and her protruding stomach that showed her pregnancy. He put down the glass he was cleaning, intent on going out and getting the woman to either come in and have refuge from the rain, or go home and forget the bum she was obviously trying to find. He may run a bar, but he was respectable and he was a man of good principle. As he walked passed Spike, he put his glass down and asked for 'another shot', the barman ignored the drunk. Making his way from behind the bar, Spike watched in disgust, as he wasn't served. "Hey I wanttt myyy drink!" His eyes followed the barman, as he went to the front door and moved along the front of the bar, until they reached the shop front window.

"Oh fuck!"

Before him stood Buffy, watching him through the window, standing in the rain. He could see the droplets of rain on her face, as they ran down onto her coat. He watched as water brimmed over her eyes, it took him a second to realise that the moisture on her face was a mixture of rain, and tears. He disentangled himself from his distraction, as she turned and ran across the street, he stumbled across the bar floor, watching as she disappeared from his line of sight. Out finally on the street he looked up and down the street trying to find her.

"Bloody fucking hell!"

She'd totally disappeared from view, until he heard the unmistakable revving of the four-wheel drive she drove, she sat in the car directly opposite him, and just stared at him. The blank look on her face, showed her flat emotions, and her hurt that she'd come to suppress.

"Wait Buffy!" Spike ran across the road and stopped directly in front of the driver door, he tried in vain to open it. "Buffy, please wait! Buffy! Please don't lock me out!"
Buffy tilted her head towards him, and wiped her face as a single tear feel down her face, in defiance of her feelings at this single moment in time. "I just did." She quickly wiped another away and turned away from him, as she put the car into first gear, and drove away.

Spike fell to his knees at the sight of the departing car, like the rain that fell onto his face, so did the tears. He was totally defeated, he'd fucked up any chance to get her back, she'd never give him a second chance…like everything he touched lately, it fell apart around him. His grief gave way to pain as his tears fell like rain.


A/N Thanks to Kirsty, Darcy and Karen (Karbear57) for beta reading and advice…Thanks guys you’re the best…





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