Chapter 11
Forgiveness Begins In Hope
The reflection of him on his knees in the rear view mirror, passed through her dreams as she slept, the vision of him fading from view as she drove away haunted the deep recesses of her mind. The sound of the rain beating down on the car, became louder with each passing moment, pulsating through her ear drums, until she couldn’t stand its hollow sound no more. The thumping sound carried through her body, until its rhythm took hold of her abdomen, as she clutched her stomach in response the rhythm turned into thuds against her flesh. She realised that the thud was the sharp kick of her baby, and the loud banging was the sound of someone at the door, as she as roused from fitful slumber.
She lay on the sofa, covered by a soft woollen overthrow that cocooned her body as she had sought the solace and release that sleep gave her. A place to rest, to dream, to crave…a haven from the reality of the world. Besides Dr Singer had told her to get rest, as much as she could stand, as her high blood pressure persisted, and it was something she could live without, but yet seemed an impossibility, with the unresolved issues that surrounded her. She couldn’t stand where she was anymore, her own home had became a cage for her, she’d lost all interest in the outside world, as her own world had fallen apart.
The persistent banging continued to intrude on her dozing mind, her head thumped with the headache that had followed her into sleep. She opened her eyes to the world around her. Moving the blanket off her, she slowly made her way from the sofa to the front door and stood on tippee toes, hanging onto the handle for support, to see who her caller was. The opaque glass couldn’t conceal the identity, the platinum hair was unmistakable.
So things had come full circle, her he stood on her front step banging on her door, like many months ago when she’d learnt of her pregnancy. Quickly she pulled herself down from peering through the glass, as the knocking suddenly stopped, she could feel the butterflies in her stomach come to life. He was here. Taking deep breaths she tried to calm herself down, leaning into the wood of the door with the side of her body, she placed her palm on its cool surface, just wanting to absorb the man behind it. Too scared to open the door, to face him, and learn of what he may have to say to her.
He’d seen her peer through the glass panel in the door, even though he couldn’t see her face, he knew she was there, inside, behind the door. The risk of coming here was great, but after last night he had to act fast and try to repair the damage. Spike had really wanted to take his time, and gently approach her, get her to trust him again, to try to rebuild his life again around her. Yet now he couldn’t see any other way but to come to her, to seek her out, and do anything he could to try and make it right again. All he really hoped for was that she’d listen to him and give him the chance to explain. For hope was all he had left.
The object of all his desires stood behind the door, he raised his hand to gently knock again, but hesitated. Intuition took over control as he placed his palm on the door; a great feeling of relief and need flooded his body, as he could just sense her through the wood. Leaning his head as closely as he could to the edge of the door pane, he could hear her breathe, slow deep breaths of oxygen, but still she didn’t open the door.
“Buffy, please open the door.” His voice was quiet and soothing to her raw nerves. “Please luv! Open the door.”
Buffy still stood frozen in the spot she found herself in, unable to decide whether to let him in or not. Her mind whirled with the images of his betrayal and desertion of her, her heart counteracted it, with the images of her calling him ‘a manipulating bastard’ and telling him to ‘get out’. They all swelled together making it even harder to just think of what she should do, keep him out or let him in, every action would result in a reaction, a consequence of that action, and each one she feared.
“Please Buffy open the door!” Desperation flowed through each syllable he spoke, each word just barely audible through the wood. “Let me in Luv!”
With a slow hand, she put on the door latch and opened the door just an inch, peering through she finally looked at him. He looked like he’d been dragged thru hell and back, he desperately needed a shave, the bristles on his face gave it a ragged look, and his hair was unkempt. She could see that he hadn’t kept up with dying his hair, the dark roots of his hair peered through the blonde, it curled instead of the straight back look he usually wore.
“Spike, please leave me alone.” Buffy pleaded with him, she was so tired. “I’m not up to visitors, please.”
“Let me in Luv. Open the door properly and let me in.” Spike tried his best to take a good look at her, she looked so hurt and tired. He hated to see her like this, and hated himself more because he knew that he was responsible for it. “Please Luv, invite me in. Let me make sure your okay.”
“I’m okay, you don’t have to worry about me. I’m doing fine by myself.”
“Buffy,” Spike moved as close as the door would let him, slowly he risked everything including his fingers, as he put them through the crack in the door and onto her hand that held the door frame. “Open the door or I’ll break it down!” He’d lost all patience, as he was so desperate to talk to her, now that he’d seen her and how she was. His concern for her condition made him forget the reason he came, and his voice rose with a need to get past the door.
“Please Luv…I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you…please…let me in!”
Buffy looked away from him, and the desperate look that lay over his face, and the grovelling need in his voice. She shut the door with a slow hand, and felt like she was on automatic pilot as she undid the chain on the latch, and opened the door. Standing aside, she hid behind the door, as Spike didn’t hesitate to walk through, and into the lounge room. He turned to watch her close the door behind him. She looked so withdrawn from the world around her, and so tired that he just wanted to pick her up and take her to her bed to sleep.
“How are you?” Spike asked her as she walked into the room and took her seat back on the sofa.
“Fine.” Buffy glanced quickly at him, but refused to have any eye contact, she just couldn’t bear to look at him. “I’m fine Spike, like I said I’m doing okay by myself.”
“You don’t look it!” Spike sat next to her, but she reacted by moving deeper into the corner of the sofa, to move as far away from him as she could. “Buffy, I need to talk to you, to explain…to make you see and understand..”
“I think I saw enough last night Spike!”
“What you saw last night Buffy was me as pissed as a newt, and being a bloody git!” Spike tried to make her more comfortable by moving to the opposite corner of the sofa, he wanted to be close to her, but not scare her away.
“That’s not an excuse Spike! Not for any of it!” Buffy voice was filled with icy retort.
“No it’s not.” Spike ran his hand through his hair in frustration, and with some hesitancy, he thought that he had nothing to lose in telling her the truth. “The booze is no excuse Buffy for what I did, and I’m sorry for it. But you have to understand why I did it Buffy! Why I let it go that far!”
“More excuses Spike? I gotta hear this one! Did you practise it on the way over? Are you well rehearsed on your lines Spike or is it more lies?”
“Enough Buffy!” Spike moved over towards her, he leant over and took her face in his hands, to make her look at him as he wanted her to see that he was telling the truth, he wanted her reaction to what he was going to say. “Yes I was drunk. Yes, I let her touch me. Yes I am guilty of all that! But the truth is Buffy for those few minutes you saw me, I was letting myself be free! Letting myself have what I wanted! Letting myself have a drunken fantasy! I let myself pretend she was someone else!”
The stunned look on her face said it all, she was taken aback by his confession, and it was the last thing that she expected him to say. Yet her heart wasn’t relieved by his admission, somehow it lessened some of the pain she was feeling, it still hurt that he could have let himself do something like that, but the truth of his words were not missed by her.
“You pushed me out Buffy. I wanted, no, I needed to feel something! I needed to feel you around me. I’ve missed you and needed you these last few weeks. I never should have walked out that door the other night. I should have stayed and talked to you!”
“You said some horrible things to me! I felt like all you ever wanted from me was the baby! I was just the attachment to the baby! And the means to an end, to get your divorce over quickly! That legal paper thingy..Affidavit..or whatever you call it, that was the final straw for me! I felt used Spike! Just a thing for you to use until you got what you wanted!” A single tear fell down her face as she let the words come from her mouth, all her insecurities and fears. She just gushed them out, it wasn’t all of them, but they were the most poignant to her. “You never would have noticed me…never! Even if Lily was gone, you never would have given me a second glance if it wasn’t for the baby!”
“I saw you Buffy, even when I was with Lily. I saw you as my sister-in-law, and that made you forbidden territory…and I was in love with your sister. I thought we had everything, the perfect life and marriage, but I was wrong.” Spike tilted his head as he looked at her with blue eyes mirroring his fear of her rejection. “The baby is the best thing that could have happened to me. To us. Yes, it made me look at you. Made me notice you. Don’t think that I would never have noticed you Buffy, even if there was no baby, I still would have found and wanted you!”
“How can I believe you?”
“Despite everything Buffy I do care deeply about you! I want you in my future. You are everywhere I go, everywhere I turn, and in every bloody breath I take. I’m drowning in you Summers.” Spike leaned into her, his face so close to hers, all she could see was his eyes, as the rest of their surroundings were blocked out by his gaze. “Give me another chance, that’s all I ask of you. Give us a chance Buffy. It was so good before all this happened. Forgive me, please Buffy, forgive me.”
“Forgive you?”
“Yes forgive Buffy.” His iris opened as he pleaded with her, becoming more prominent as he moved a few centimetres closer and softly kissed her lips, just touched them with his own, no pressure, just barely touching her. “I want you and I together Buffy. All of us.”
“You’re asking for a lot Spike.” Buffy leant back a little. “You want so much. I don’t know if I can, the last few weeks have been a nightmare and I don’t know if I can stand much more.”
“Then start with a little bit at a time Buffy.” Spike took her face between his hands. “Just a little bit. We have to try and make something of this, for us.”
“You make it sound so easy. It’s not Spike, it’s complicated and messy!” Buffy turned her head away. “I don’t know if I have the strength to do anything anymore. I’m just too tired.”
“Then rest. Let me carry you for a while. I understand you’re angry and hurt, but I never meant for things to get like this. I swear to you that the last thing that I wanted was a wedge between us. I won’t let that happen again Buffy! You and the baby are all I have left worth anything in the world, and I won’t give you up!” His words were harsh and determined, proclaiming his fortitude in the matter. “And I won’t let anything stand in my way Buffy, not even your sister. If she’s so determined to have everything, then let her! It’s not worth it!”
“Not worth it? I don’t understand?” Buffy turned back to face him, she was really lost now in the confusion of the emotional rollercoaster she was on, her head was in a tail spin enough, without Spike going out on a tangent that she had absolutely no idea what he was talking about.
“Lily and those damned letters! I’ll get a quicker divorce one way or another!”
“Quicker divorce?”
“Please forget it Buffy, don’t worry about it. It’s my concern.”
“No make me understand? This is why I’m angry Spike you never tell me anything! Especially where Lily’s concerned, you just clam up!”
“Lily has been my problem not yours, and I never wanted it to be your problem.”
“Tell me, make me understand! You just leave me confused and wondering what your motives behind everything you do are! Like that the Affidavit thingy! I gave you those letters to help you, and you try and drag me into the divorce proceeding with that document! When were you going to tell me Spike? When you were on the court steps with your back to the wall?”
“No Buffy, I was going to talk to you about it. Explain what the paperwork was, and let you decide if you were going to sign it. I never would have forced you to sign it! Never!” Spike touched her cheek with his fingers as he spoke. “You didn’t have to sign it Buffy, it would have been your decision to be a part of the proceedings or not. I had never included it in my plans in filing for the divorce, it just would have made things easier and less messy.”
“For you or her?”
“Me. If you signed the affidavit, then she has no right to anything that I brought into the marriage. She would be able to have a right to have a stake in my business interests and family belongings. All of which should be passed onto my child. Our child. Those letter’s show her adultery and worse the fact that she asked you to hide the truth from me.”
Buffy closed her eyes in anguish as she remembered seeing the papers and unleashing a darker side of herself that she rarely saw. The accusations she’d hurled his way, as she retaliated in pain at the thought he’d been using her for his own means. It had blinded her to only see what she wanted to see, she had no proof to condemn him the way that she had. The very thing she’d hand him to fight Lily with, had come back to crucify her, and wreak havoc with her life.
“I can’t tell you how sorry I am about everything. This isn’t what I wanted. I just wanted a future that included all three of us. As you so eloquently put it the other night, I just wanted a happy family with you and the baby.” Spike brought his hand to her neck, gently massaging the knotted muscles beneath it. “Even if you weren’t pregnant I still believe that I would have come to you. In the end I don’t think I could imagine ending up anywhere else. That you have to believe in, if nothing else. I know that we have a lot of things to make up for to each other, but it will be worth it. We are worth it Buffy!”
She listened as he said his words, hearing his own hurt and pain in them, her world had done such a three sixty-degree turn, in the last three weeks. It had all seemed so simple in the beginning, have the baby and parent it together, she could never have foreseen this development, never in a million years. The disaster that had followed those few first pleasant weeks, had uncovered the dark side of the consequences of the decisions that they had made. She realised that both of them had been in someway responsible for each other’s misery, but could they be responsible for each other’s happiness.
He’d made it so plain to her what he wanted, and still demanded from her in the end, and that was all of her. Right now, all he asked was a little bit of her, yet in the end he’d always want all of her. It was a pity that she didn’t have a looking glass that would let her see how the future would have been without her ever being pregnant. At least that would have made things easier, she could have seen whether his prediction of ending up together, wasn’t just sweet words to ply her with. She bit her lip, as she struggled against the voice of caution that she’d listened to in the beginning, and that had led to where they were now.
“I’ll try.” Her words were just a light whisper, of which he just heard and only could have heard as she face hovered close to hers. “I want to try.”
“Then forget the past Buffy!” Spike tilted his head as he said his words; a gentle smile filled his face, softening the skin so taunt from the stress. “We both have to forget the past, forgive each other and think about the future we want. Can you do that Luv? Can you forgive me?”
She swallowed hard in contemplation of his request, he was asking for something so simple, yet so binding as there could be no going back, not now, not ever, this was it. Even with all the reservations she had, she nodded her head, and again her words so softly spoken said, “Yes.”
Listening to her answer, he felt his spirit rise as she gave him the answer he so wanted to hear, and could only have imagined. He slowly approached her in his movements as he brought his other hand around her shoulder and brushed his own lips against her, ever so delicately sweeping his on hers. Not demanding, just touches between the two of them, reassuring touches of togetherness, fulfilling the need to acknowledge the need they had between them. Until it wasn’t enough for either of them, until it spiralled into a deeper need for each other, a deeper need of reassurance to explore the birth of the new understanding and relationship between the two.
Buffy was the first to allow things to move into a profound union, as Spike was reluctant to move beyond the boundaries he would let her set, he didn’t want to break the fragile bond and agreement between them. She was the first to taste his lips, to explore beyond the gentle kisses they’d shared so far, opening herself to him, he took the invitation and explored the inner recess of her mouth with his tongue. Letting it run along her soft tissue, to taste her essence and encourage her to join in the passionate kiss. She rested her hand on his shoulder as she drew herself as closely as she could, considering the obstacle of her pregnancy. She manoeuvred herself until she was comfortable, but not once letting him go, she opened herself fully to him, and allowed herself to get lost in their kiss. She felt the rough texture of the flesh of his tongue as she slid her own along his, and lost herself within the depths of his mouth.
It filled the empty void that she’d been feeling for so long, it was sealing the bond that they had agreed to share. Making promises to each other, and reaffirming their intentions towards each other. It showed that despite everything they had ignited a fire between them that burned deep inside each of them, keeping them warm, and making it so pleasurable between them.
Feeling the intensity rise between the two of them, Spike pulled himself reluctantly from her, as he struggled for breath. He was spiralling out of control, and heading into a deeper ocean of want and desire that he’d never experienced before, even with Lily and it frightened him. He could easily lose control of himself and push her into something he feared she wasn’t ready for, and he didn’t want that. As much as he wanted to grab her and carry her upstairs to her bed, he didn’t want to frighten her off, and most importantly he didn’t know if she physically could. The subject had never come up, and he’d never expected it to, so he never asked Dr Singer. So for better reasons than quenching his own desire for her he pulled away and rested his forehead on her own, as he heard her own deep rasping breaths.
“I should go.”
As Spike moved away from her, she tightened her hold on him, she wasn’t ready to let him go, not yet anyway. “Stay.”
“Buffy I should go.” Spike kissed her in a reassuring gesture. “I’d better go before it’s too late, and I should let you rest.”
“Don’t go.” Buffy had finally found some peace in her turmoil and she didn’t want to let that go.
“Whyyy?” Spike stumbled on his words. “Why’s that?”
“Because I’m not ready for you to go!” Buffy was frightened that he’d walk through that door and never come back to her, like he had once before. “Stay here.”
“Buffy?”
“Stay in your room. You said that we had to learn to forgive each other, and to me that means trust each other again. How can I do that if you’re not here?” Buffy was struggling to find any excuse to keep him here, anything.
“I don’t know if that…” The look on her face halted any excuse he was about to use. “Fine, but only if you promise to go now and get some rest.”
He stood up on his two feet and put out a hand to help her up from the sofa, he walked behind her as she walked to the stairs and up to her room. He stood in the hallway as she stepped into her room, and shut the door behind her. “Night Luv.” He himself then turned down the hall and to his own room and let himself into the room, the bed was made and everything he’d left lay in its place. It was if he’d never left.
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3:48 am
The clock counted another minute as the two dots between the numbers flashed, he hadn’t been able to sleep. His mind full of what had happened tonight, the relief that he felt flooded through his body, it was a bloody miracle she’d given them another chance. He looked at the clock again, as he heard the door to his room open, quickly shutting his eyes he tried to feign sleep. He heard the light footsteps approach the chair in the far corner of the room, and the squeaking of the wicker under the weight of the occupant. In the mirror he watched her reflection bathed in the small amount of moonlight that flooded through the window, she looked like she hadn’t slept at all.
He could only guess the rough time she was having, and the conflicting emotional turmoil she was experiencing. He wanted to get out and just hold her. Just let her have someone else take her burden for a while. With out really thinking about it, he rolled over and pulled himself up in the bed, as Buffy sat startled that she’d woken him. She began to get out of the chair to vacate the room, when Spike pulled one of the two pillows from his head, and threw it beside his own. He pulled the covers back from the opposite side of the bed.
“Trust me.”
Buffy stood frozen in place, his request was not what she expected from him she only wanted to come and make sure he’d stayed. Yet that didn’t satisfy her, she just wanted to watch him sleep, see if she could distinguish the real him, as he relaxed in slumber.
“Trust me.”
The second time it was more quiet and hushed than the first. She looked at his face, but it was so hard to read in the dark. Her feet moved her step after step closer to his bed, around its outside, and finally to where the bedding was turned down, she stood shyly unsure of herself.
“Get in Buffy.”
Turning around she sat on the side of the bed, and lifted her legs over the side until she lay on her side of the wide bed. She lay there just looking at the wall, as she felt the mattress move under his weight, as he rearranged the sheets and blankets around her.
“Move more into the middle.”
Buffy slid herself further into the bed, but still she didn’t turn herself over. The sheets were lifted once again as she felt his warmth approach her back, as he laid himself behind her. Running his hand down her arm until he found her hand, and clutched it within his own, securing onto it tightly. He gently nudged her legs into a scissor fashion so he could slip his own leg in between hers, giving him the room to lie as close to her as he possibly could.
“Go to sleep Goldilocks!”
“Who?”
“Go to sleep Buffy.”
She closed her eyes finally that night, and let herself feel comforted knowing he was so close to her. Maybe, just maybe her dream could come true. Making sure she was comfortable, Spike let himself down from the elbow that supported his weight as he watched her slide into slumber, and for the first time in three weeks, he gave into the luxury of having what he wanted laying right in his arms.
Hope.
A/N Thanks again to Darcy, Kirsty and Karen (Karbear57) for your help…..luv you guys….
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