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Chapter Four

~~Thoughts~~

~Buffy~

True to his word Spike returned that first night and settled himself into Buffy’s house, so much so, that he took over the guest room and the study, filling them with his belongings, and legal papers. Much to Buffy’s discontent she would come home, and find her house in disarray, legal papers everywhere, and her answering machine full of messages for him. He had literally taken over the house, as if he had been there forever, not to mention a sink full of coffee cups, much to her horror. He kept his word though, about wanting to “be there for everything”. Especially now that the morning sickness had hit her, and hit her bad. He would always appear with a glass of cold water, and a wet washcloth to wipe her face, then sit behind her and hold her head, waiting for it to be over.



Even though they shared the house, most of the time he would stay out of her way, or be in the study attending to his work. He never once really engaged her in any conversation besides the baby, and it was making her crazy. He never broached the subject of the contract again and most importantly, they never discussed Lily. Buffy knew that they had to eventually, it was a topic that desperately needed to be addressed, until then she knew that they could never move onto the more important things, like having this baby.



Lily’s betrayal still stung Buffy, never had she felt so abandoned in all her life. She’d gone into this pregnancy to give her sister something that she couldn’t accomplish with her infertility. Yet Lily had turned around and thrown that gift away, because it was something that she didn’t want, that stung Buffy even deeper. Even though she knew her sister probably regretted what had happened, it didn’t erase the fact that the baby was here, and wasn’t going away. Buffy doubted that Lily even knew she was pregnant, she hoped that if she had gotten in contact with Spike, he would have at least told her. Yet Spike remained silent on the subject of his wife, or anything to do with her.

No one else in the family had been in contact either, even though Lily had made it clear that she was going to her Grand Mama’s in London. It was convenient for Lily to go there, as it was so far away from the mess she’d created for herself, and others around her. Buffy didn’t want to ask Spike for the number, as she felt that at this point it would be safer not to, she just didn’t know if she wanted to face that discussion, just yet. He’d probably find it difficult to believe that she didn’t have the number, considering that they were sisters.

The reality was that Lily was only a half sister, her father had married Buffy’s mother about two years after being made a widower from a motor car accident, and had moved from America to England, with Buffy arriving a year later into the marriage. Lily had strong ties with her English family, and considered England her second home, something that despite making the Americas his home, her father had encouraged.



Buffy had never gotten on with her English grandmother, she found her too rigid and ‘stuffy’ for want of a better word, Lily had always been her favourite, and she had always spoilt her rotten. Lily had hit the jackpot with their grandmother when she’d married another Englishman, and travelled between the two continents when Spike’s work demanded. Especially seeing as he was well connected and came from a “good background and breeding” She knew what a fit that dear old Grandma would be having now if she knew the truth, that the other ‘girl’ as Buffy knew she called her, was pregnant with the apparent heir. However, Buffy didn’t really give a damn, any resolve that she had about the pregnancy superseded anyone else, and since Lily had decided her own fate, no one had a say in anything anymore, no one.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


~Spike~


As Buffy sat on her sofa, peppermint tea in hand, contemplating the thoughts that whirled around in her head, she never heard her houseguest approach from the dark depths of the study. He stood at the bottom off the landing, and watch her as she stared into space, he’d rarely seen her ever do that, and he knew that something had to be really troubling her, to make her not pay attention to the world around her. It would not take much to guess what she was thinking about, a frown began to tighten the muscles on her face, until it became a scowl.


In one word, ‘Lily’.


He knew that Lily had done an expert job at right royally screwing up their lives. She betrayed two people who should matter most in her life most, her sister and her husband. Even though it had only been a matter of a few weeks, it felt sometimes to him, like she’d done it only yesterday. He still couldn’t fathom why she’d left him, they hadn’t argued over anything, they never wanted for anything, and he had never let work rule his life. His family was his life, and he’d put 100% of himself into their relationship, but obviously it hadn’t been enough for her. Spike had to admit that he’d felt her distance sometimes, but he’d put that down to trying to have a baby, the hormone injections, and the repeated failures. Even the year following he’d put it all down to the stress of their situations, yet not once, not one word had she uttered that she was unhappy or didn’t love him anymore.


He was at a total loss, he just didn’t get it! Looking at the woman sitting before him he had to remember that he’d given all that up, what was most important in his life now sat inside Buffy in the living room. She and the baby were family now, and he didn’t give a damn about what the world would think of him, he knew his priorities, yet he recognised the importance that they did need to talk about Lily.



They had to clear the air and move beyond the hurt and betrayal of Lily, even though they were experiencing it for different reasons. In the end it all came down to the bottom line, the baby. Buffy had made it so clear to him, that Lily just didn’t fit into the equation anymore, they still had to work out where in the scheme of things they both sat in each others world. He wondered if Lily’s request that Buffy just ‘deal with it’ using the funds she’d left her, had made up her mind, if anything, to forget her sister’s existence. He shook his head, yet another topic he knew that they would have to discuss, he had so many that he wanted to talk to her about, but he was just down right scared. He didn’t want to make her upset for any reason, it was hard enough, he guessed, for her to have him there at all. He’d truly barged his way into her life, demanding that she allow him to be there, foisting himself onto her.



He’d been trying to stay out of her way since he’d moved in, wanting to give her breathing space, and yet at the same time, trying to decide just what they were going to do about the situation they found themselves in. If it wasn’t tricky enough as it was, he danced around her moods trying to be there if she wanted him, but it was apparent that she had been doing alright without anyone up to this point. Yet for the sake of their child…


He’d never thought of the baby like that. Their child. It was both of theirs, a part of each of them. He’d never imagined it as part of himself and Buffy, always as a part of himself and Lily, coming from Buffy, as a great gift. It felt as if somewhere deep inside a knife was stabbing him, the pain filled every fibre and nerve in his being, this was not the future he envisaged for himself and the woman he watched. This was not what he would have wished on either of them. Yet the reality of what was happening could not be ignored, and he needed to make some sense of what was happening in his life, it was making him crazy. He needed some order, and he needed it now. Taking a much needed deep breath he looked at Buffy once more, and decided that there was no time like the present.


They couldn’t keep dancing around the subject forever.


~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


~The Truth~


Spike moved away from the landing, stepping quietly towards Buffy as she sat down on the sofa. Sitting down on one of the others seats, he turned his attention to the television that was on, with some programme that Buffy obviously was not watching. The silence hung between the two, neither knowing what to say to the other, each too wrapped up in their thoughts to even try to contemplate saying something. Some say ‘silence is golden’, but it was just driving a wedge deeper between then, it had to come to a head at some stage, and the sooner the better.

Buffy watched Spike with her peripheral vision, too scared to make eye contact with him, she could see that even though he stared at the television, he really wasn’t watching it. In her mind she knew that she should speak to him at least, and try to make things a little easier between the two of them, considering that they had some important decisions to make. Decisions that would last for at least eighteen years. It was so overwhelming to find herself in this situation, she sighed with the gravity of it all. Buffy knew that she had to get along with Spike for fear of losing the baby, as he still had the contract and he could really do what he liked. Deep down she knew that he wouldn’t really use that against her, but it was still a realistic fear, however she also knew that he was a good man, one that would support her and be there for her.


She had a feeling that he’d committed himself to this, and yet to what cost she just didn’t know. Spike had seemed to give up everything that had been his life with Lily, he never went to their home, and he never brought anything from home to remind him of her. Buffy could only fathom the pain that he must be going through, and how screwed up he must feel. Even though Lily had left her in a predicament, she could hardly imagine what he must be experiencing, his wife leaving, and his sister-in-law pregnant with his child. Talk about your double whammy and ending up in the Twilight Zone, he’d said that he’d be there for her, but who was there for him? She wasn’t the only one who needed support in this chaos, she couldn’t deny the fact that before this they had been good friends, and she still thought that they were. Yet she had not been much of a friend lately, she was so wrapped up in herself, would it really hurt to be the one that laid out the olive branch.


“Spike?” Buffy broke the shattering silence.


“Yeah?” Spike turned his head again to face her.


“Ummm what you want for dinner?” It was the only thing that she could think of to say.


“Whatever, don’t go to any trouble,” Spike nonchalantly threw back at her.


“Okay, but don’t tell me that you don’t want it, because my cravings do my thinking for me!” Buffy responded in kind.


“Pfft,” was the only response Spike could come up with.


Buffy looked down in defeat, she didn’t have the courage to bring up what needed to be said, the last few weeks had just been horrible. The mix of feeling like she was going to erupt from the inside out with the morning sickness, to having no appetite, to wanting the most undesirable food combinations known to man. She didn’t notice that Spike watched her after she broke eye contact, he could guess by the expression on her face that she did want to talk.

Yet something held her back, if she was thinking the same way he was, it was driven by fear, for him the fear that he would drive her away and be left with nothing. He had yet to tell her that he’d made up his mind that he and Lily were history, as if he had a choice in the matter. It was just another thing that he didn’t seem to have a choice about It seemed that everything in his life, over the last few weeks, had been controlled by other people, something he couldn’t stand, he was so used to being ‘in-charge’ of everything that went on around him. He also felt the overwhelming uncertainties about where he fitted into the picture where the baby was concerned. Maybe he should take the leap that Buffy could not.


“Buffy?”


“What Spike?”


“We need to talk, ”Spike stood up and moved to sit down besides her, taking the remote off the coffee table he turned off the T.V. set, “We need to get the un-pleasantries out and in the open, don’t you think Luv?”


“I don’t know Spike?” Buffy hesitated at the thought of having to face some realities that she just didn’t want to.


“Better we talk about it now, than when the baby starts pushing itself out and says ‘hi mum and dad!’”


“Mom”


“Yeah that’s what I said, ‘mum’”


“No…” Buffy gave up, “Okay what do you want to talk about?”


“The obvious, Lily,” Spike saw the pain flash across her eyes, which she quickly masked as she looked away from him and stared into her hands, “Not a pleasant subject for us both, but necessary, if we are going to get anywhere…………”


“What’s there to say, she dumped you and left me holding the baby!”


“That’s the obvious pet, but why?”


“I have no idea!” Buffy began twisting her hands together in dread, he could feel it coming off her in waves, and it was the most obvious sign to people that knew her, that she was lying. She was good at hiding her feelings half the time, but she was always a terrible liar.


“Buffy, please don’t lie to me….ever!” The threat resinated through her, making itself evident as she felt the bile hit the back of her throat, she could feel her heart pounding in her chest, as it battered against her, racing in fear. Fear that he would drag her suspicions out of her, “Do you know something I don’t!”


“No…...no.” Buffy’s voice was a mere whimper.


“Buffy, tell me!” Spike took her chin in his hand and made her look at him, “If you know something, tell me. I won’t be angry with you sweetheart! But I need to know, because I’m in the fucking dark here!”


“It’s not relevant to now…...I’m sure of it!” Buffy tried to get him to back off.


“What….what’s irrelevant?”


“She said you two worked it out!”


“Worked what out?”


“You know, you two.”


“No I don’t Buffy, you need to explain it to me!” Spike’s voice went up a few octaves as his frustration began to bubble over.


“The thing, you know, two years ago!”


“What thing two years ago?”


“The affair!”

Spike exploded, he shot up on his feet, swearing and cursing like Buffy had never seen before, the veins on his necks protruded with the elevation of his emotions. It was clear to even Buffy that Spike had no idea what she was talking about, he was oblivious to Lily’s affair. Another betrayal of Lily’s it would seem. She’d told Buffy that she’d worked it out with her husband, and all had been forgiven, it was never to be mentioned again, and especially to Spike.


“Buffy please explain that last bit. I must have missed it!” Spike spoke to Buffy finally; he seethed his words through his teeth.




“I…...I…...” Buffy felt like the lowest of the low to have to tell him about Lily, “She…...she”


“Don’t be afraid luv, tell me. Please I need to hear it, and hear it now!”


“I’d just better tell you from the beginning then…” Buffy’s words wandered off as she told him of her discovery a few years ago….



Buffy was returning home, getting a non stop flight from Sydney to L.A. after a much needed holiday, luckily for her someone had cancelled at the last minute, and she decided to take the seat, rather than face a long frequent stop flight. As she opened her front door into the apartment where she was living, she could hear the unmistakable sounds of sex, the moans and the groans filled the room, combining with the unique sound of the headboard banging on the wall. One of those groans was conspicuously the voice of her sister. ‘Just great! Just what I need, my sister doing it in my bed!’ The thought made Buffy feel sick. However, what she heard next made her feel even worse, her sister screamed out the name of her lover, and it was not her husband’s name, it was his best friend’s.



Frozen in that moment of discovery, and not sure what to do, Buffy sat down on the sofa in shock, swallowing hard so that she wouldn’t be sick. She couldn’t believe it, her sister was here, with her lover, and she was using her bed. The sheets would have to be burnt, it was the only real decision that Buffy could make. She’d sat there for a short while when Spike’s so called friend Liam came out of her bedroom, stark naked.
Buffy turned to face her unwelcome guest, and just stared at him as he retreated back to the bedroom, yelling for Lily to “come out into the living room”.



Lily had promptly come out to find her distraught sister sitting on the sofa. The look of shock upon being discovered was written all over her face, entwined with guilt. Lily sat down on the other sofa in the room, and began to cry, telling her sister over and over, “I’m sorry”. Buffy could only stand up, she refused to even acknowledge either of them being in her apartment, as she coldly she turned her back to her sister.



“I am going out for 15 minutes. You have that time to get out!” With that, Buffy grabbed her handbag, and left her apartment, not looking back once.

Over the coming weeks, Buffy had ignored her sisters’ pleas to talk to her, until one day she’d shown up on her front door step, cornering Buffy into letting her into to ‘explain’. Her sister told the sob story that it was only ‘a bit of fun’, that she ‘loved Spike’, and that she’d confessed it all to him. Spike had been deeply hurt by his wife’s betrayal, and wanted to ‘try again’, that their marriage was just too important to him for them to throw it away. However, most importantly, that it was never to be spoken of again, and she made Buffy swear that she would never talk to him about it, or ever mention it.



Buffy had accepted this, especially when one-year later Lily had announced that they were going to try to start a family. The year of trying, and discovering Lily’s infertility, had been hard on the couple, or so Buffy had thought, so she never had spoken to Lily or Spike about what had happened that day ever again. Until now…




“…...She said that you’d forgiven her, and that it was over. That the baby was like a new beginning for you both. That’s one of the reasons I offered, because I thought that it would be such a great thing for you both……………” Buffy’s voice faded into the background for Spike, as the truth surfaced.



“I didn’t know. She lied to me!” Spike turned to her, “You should have told me! It’s just as good as holding back the truth!”



“She promised me that she’d told you! She’s my sister for gods’ sake, I had to believe her! I just had to!”



“Bloody fucking hell!”



“Spike please!”



“Please what? Don’t be angry! Don’t be sad! Tell me what I’m meant to feel Buffy, go on tell me!” Spike began to pace the living room, “Do you think that I’m an unfeeling git, or something!”


“No!” Buffy shouted her denial.


“Then what!”


“I don’t know?”


“Why tell me now, after all this time?” Spike stopped and stared at her, “Why?”


“I don’t know?”


“Do you think…?” Spike looked at her more intensely, “Do you think she’s done it again?” He took a step in her direction, and took her silence as an answer, “Has she Buffy? Has she been seeing him again? Or someone else?”



“No...I don’t know...I swear that I don’t know!’ Buffy looked straight into his eyes, “Do you think I’d allow myself to get pregnant if I suspected that she was! Do you take me for a fool?”


The tables were turned; Buffy began to become angry about his line of questioning, and innuendo that she knew something. She took her cup into her hand, and stood up, moving in the direction of the kitchen, Spike’s hand shot out, and halted her progress. He took several deep breaths trying to calm himself down. He tried not to doubt her words, but they did ring true about one thing, she wasn’t a fool, and wouldn’t have gone through with every procedure, if she suspected that something was wrong between the couple.



“I’m sorry Buffy! I believe you,” Spike looked intently at her, with a sigh he conceded, “I’m sorry that I doubted you. But do you think that she’s run off with someone?”



“I don’t know. I’m sorry Spike, but I just don’t know,” Buffy looked at him, he looked so lonely at this moment in time, “I don’t think I know my own sister after this.”


“Just like I don’t think that I know my own wife,” Spike let her arm go, and went back into the hallway and onto the staircase. Going up the steps, all manner of thoughts crossed his mind; he just did not want to believe any of them. That is loving wife would have slept with a mate of his, it was just too horrible to believe, deciding his next move he went into the office and picked up his mobile phone. Dialling Liam’s number he got a ‘this phone has been disconnected message’, throwing the phone against the wall, he picked up the handset of the phone that sat on the desk, he dialled Liam’s home number and got the same thing. Slowly he dialled one last number…………………



‘Hello, can I speak to Liam James, please?” A long silence followed, “When?” Another pause, “Where?”



Buffy heard another loud crash as she sat in the kitchen below, she guessed that he’d thrown something in anger, she heard the soft muffles of his voice down below, and figured that they would have to buy a new phone. The next set of words she didn’t miss, as Spike yelled out a series of profanities that would make anyone’s hair curl, which was quickly followed by the slamming of the study door, and the loud thumping of his feet on the staircase.



“The bloody bitch…...they’ve gone! They’ve both gone!” Spike stood in front of her.


“Who?”



“Who the fuck do you think, Santa and the Tooth Fairy!” Spike grabbed the end of the kitchen island in front of him, his hands went white from the pressure he was forcing onto the wood, “He’s gone! He resigned and left without severance pay, both his phones are cut off, and his darling secretary says that he’s in England. So I guess that answer’s my question, and answers your doubt!”



“Maybe….maybe it’s just a coincidence.” Buffy spoke, but had misgivings about the words she had just uttered.



“Like hell it is!” Spike turned to Buffy, “I don’t like being played for a fool Buffy!”


“I never said you were!”


“I know! But this just makes things a little easier!”



“What do you mean?” Fear resinated through Buffy’s voice, frightened that because of what her sister may have done Spike might just do the unthinkable, and decide that he couldn’t cope with any connection with her sister. Which meant, he would not want her anywhere near the baby.



“A divorce for adultery!”





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