Let Chaos Reign Over Me
The next few weeks flew by for Buffy. She was into somewhere between the fifth-sixth month of her pregnancy, her ‘bump’ became more pronounced with each day that passed, well at least in her mind it did. Each day the little life nestled within her became more of a reality, and something that she began to hold on to in the chaos that was her life. Spike had been more than the perfect gentleman, protector and good friend, but that was it. That was all that lay between them, and it was beginning to bother her to no end. He seemed to be only thinking of the here and now, not the future, and not a day past the arrival of the baby. It seemed to have become his obsession lately; he would make sure that all arrangements for the birth were in place and perfect. That she took all her prenatal vitamins, coffee was banned from the house, with no bad food or drinks lying with 10 feet of the Summers-Freemantle’s home. He would not even allow the chocolate that she craved everyday, nothing would persuade him to supply even a piece. He seemed to know when she snuck in a little bit; it was like he had a sixth sense, his radar on, tracking her every move.
The only place she felt total freedom was in the deep recesses of her mind, where old memories came out to haunt her days, and wreak havoc with her dreams. Buffy didn’t know whether to blame the pregnancy with all its hormones, or her deep consciousness telling her something that she didn’t really want to hear. In the end it all came down to long ago lost feelings that she’d had when she was young and impressionable. Feelings that were wrong and forbidden. She could still feel the rush of adrenaline, the increased heartbeat, and the feelings of desire, they flooded her body every time she remembered. For what seemed the 100th time that day she tried to shake them off, tried to think about something else, her job, the grocery shopping, the washing, anything she could so she didn’t think about the baby, because then it always came back to him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
~First Sight~
Buffy remembered the first time Lily brought him home to meet the family, to impress them with her new boyfriend. Lily had insisted that they go to one of the most expensive restaurants that the town boasted to impress her parents, as he was going to foot the bill therefore showing the great success that he appeared to be, from all Lily’s accounts of her mystery man. He also appeared to be very punctual, right on 7pm as the hallway clock chimed the doorbell rang, announcing his arrival. Buffy heard her sister’s clear yell of, “I’ll get it!” from her bedroom as she put on the last bit of make-up, and flattened her best dress against her small frame. Making her way down the stairs she stopped mid-step on the topflight, her mouth agape staring at the man that stood in the doorway.
He stood not much taller than herself, sporting a dark blue suit, blue shirt with a red tie, and flaming peroxide blond hair. Yet what really caught her eye was the bright azure blue of his eyes, and the cocky grin that lay on his face as he embraced her sister in greeting. The jolt in her system was instantaneous, he moved into the hallway giving her a more clear view of him. She could feel the rush of adrenaline race through her body, jealousy permeated alongside its companion in her bloodstream. Jealously of her sister like she had never felt before. Buffy had been fortunate in her life, never to be jealous of anything that came her sister’s way, but today was different. Today she wanted what her sister had, and the sad fact was she knew that she just wouldn’t be able to really compete for this man in front of her, only an idiot would be unable to see how besotted he was with Lily.
Begrudgingly she walked down the stairs, and shook the hand of the man that was introduced to her. The same man who didn’t give her a second glance as he took the hand of her father, and presented the bunch of flowers he had to her mother. He spoke with an obvious English accent, much to the happiness it would appear, of her father, and had impeccable manners so it would seem. All the family bar Buffy joined in the small talk that surrounded the new member of the group, her parents politely integrated him, yet still he never spoke to the somewhat shy younger daughter. After a short time, he motioned them to move out to the car that waited to take them to dinner. The limo only further impressed her parents, and made Buffy even more jealous, that he would go to such lengths to impress them.
The evening dragged its feet well into the night, Buffy just wanted to escape home and stick her head under her pillow. It was hard to deny the fact that, the more she got to know her sister’s boyfriend, the more she could feel her attraction grow and nourish itself within his presence. He was turning out to be every young woman’s fantasy, good natured, a great sense of humour, manner, and a divine body to go with it. He even on occasion tried to engage her in conversation, but Buffy couldn’t find the words, they stuck to the roof of her mouth, she lost all her usual confidence, which he mistook for a dislike for him, and defiance of her family. Her parents blindly mistook it for insolence and rudeness, which her father would probably have a few words for her later that evening. Yet to her it didn’t matter, if it was the only way that she could build up a kind of protective armour, to stop her from making a complete and utter fool of herself, then so be it.
Later on, Lily and Spike’s relationship grew out into marriage. Buffy forced the feelings that had surfaced in her life, to the bottom of the abyss of her heart. It had only been ‘a simple crush’ on her future brother-in-law, one from a young woman yet to experience the real thing, Buffy thought to herself, ‘Damn’ whom was she deluding. She had been kidding herself then in the past, and it would seem this present moment in time. Her feeling for him had grown like her sister’s, but he never saw it, as she hid it so well within herself. Not even her folks had guessed this development in her life.
Over time Buffy learnt not to think of him, she avoided him at family gatherings, at times she was bluntly rude to his face, anything to make him leave her alone. Her family would shake their heads in disapproval at her, still deaf and dumb to their daughter’s desires. Buffy eventually began bringing her own boyfriends home for the family to meet, much to the amusement of Spike, who would make it a point to make their lives as uncomfortable as possible. He even scared one or two off, as he thought them not good enough for her, sometimes he would just do it to get under Buffy’s skin, revenge for the years of awkwardness that she caused those first few years with Lily. She’d learnt to accept them as a couple a long time ago. For a while, Buffy thought it a pity that he never had any brother’s, things may have been different. The early years became easier, as time progressed and in a strange fashion a truce was formed between them, with the deep feelings she felt for him so deeply buried, Buffy had been able to develop a comfortable friendship with her brother-in-law.
Buffy thought she’d left all those forbidden feelings behind her. Until now.
She sat on the sofa evoking long lost thoughts and feelings, she could feel her heart crying out not to be put through it again. Things maybe different now, but her and the baby were at their most vulnerable. Nothing had been settled between Lily and Spike, despite the divorce being in motion, Buffy knew that there may never be a chance, of any type of feelings or advances from her, would ever be reciprocated. It was unrealistic to even consider that he may ever. Yet that little voice in the back of her head kept telling her evil thoughts, that ‘he was free now’, and ‘what do you have to lose?’
What did she have to lose? She had everything.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Spike arrived home that night to find Buffy in the kitchen preparing the evening meal, ‘bugger’ he thought to himself, he knew that he should have called her. “Buffy, don’t worry about me for dinner. I won’t be here.”
“Oh, what a business meeting?”
“Um, kind of.”
“Kind of?”
“Yeah, I’m taking a new client out to dinner.”
“Who?”
“Harm Kendall.”
“I haven’t heard of him. I don’t think you’ve mentioned him before.’
“Her.”
“A her?” Buffy stopped chopping the vegetables in front of her, “Oh a her. But not a date?”
“Well I suppose it is, I guess.”
“A date.”
“Yes, a date.”
“A date.” Buffy moved away from the bench, she put the knife down and walked into the lounge room to sit on the sofa. Her mood just hit rock bottom, after such a topsy-turvy day, this was the last thing she wanted to hear. Spike followed her into the lounge room, and sat across from her. “A date.”
“Buffy, you’re beginning to sound like a broken record.”
“Sorry.”
“Don’t be. I should have called you and let you know, but I had a bitch of a day. I’m sorry.”
Buffy began awkwardly to pull at the apron that she wore to protect her clothing; she played with the single thread that was beginning to unwind from the edge of the tie. She looked at it funnily enough like a reflection of her existence now, a thread unwinding itself, destroying the fabric of her being. Spike just watched her, wondering what was going on in her head.
“You don’t mind do you?” Spike asked her quietly.
“Why should I mind?”
“Well, I thought with the separation only being a few months ago,” Spike sat back more into the sofa. “That you might think that it’s too early.”
“No.”
“Then what Buffy. What’s bothering you?”
“Nothing.”
“It can’t be nothing?” Spike watched as a pained expression came across her face, the first thing he thought of was the baby, rushing over to her side he slumped himself in front of where she sat. “Is it the baby? Are you in pain? Do you want me to get the car?”
“No!” Buffy pushed her way passed him as she got off the sofa, and walked away back into the kitchen, with Spike following her. “All you care or think about is the damn baby! Well hello!! Human incubator has thoughts and feelings too!”
“Buffy!”
“What!” Buffy screamed at him, “What!”
“I don’t understand, Luv? What’s wrong with you?”
“You!”
“Me?”
“You!” Buffy had enough; it was time for the course that they were on to change, even if it was only to make sure that they began focusing on their lives beyond the birth of the baby. “All we ever do is talk or live around the birth of the baby! But what about after he or she is born? What then?”
“Why are you bringing this up, Buffy?” Spike sat himself down in one of the stools in the kitchen, “I thought we agreed that we’d each play an active part in the baby’s life.”
“But how? What’s you’re bit, huh? Part-time dad, coming to see his child on the weekends, nominated by a legal agreement?” Buffy exploded, “And me? What about me? Full-time mom to our child, running my life around yours! While you work and play? I don’t think so!”
Spike was dumbfounded by her swing in conversation and mood, he thought it must be a pregnancy thing. Nevertheless, she still had a valid point, even if she chose to bring it up this way, he would have hoped that this discussion would have happened at another time and place. Looking at the clock above the doorway, he looked again at the distressed woman that stood before him, he didn’t know how to tackle this subject right know, and he didn’t know if he really wanted to. The relationship between the two of them up to this point had been perfect, they had been living quite harmoniously and he didn’t know if he could say anything that would make it better, or change her mood.
“Buffy, how did we jump from me going out to dinner, to what are we going to do once the baby’s born?”
Buffy stood in deathly silence, she couldn’t keep smothering her feelings anymore, she had so many unanswered questions floating around in her head, it was hurting so much she ached with it. It had stunned her into the dull quietness that poured from her, he just didn’t get it, and she doubted that he ever would. Buffy was concerned about more than the here and now, she wanted a clear direction of where they were going. As hard as it was and as uncomfortable it made her, she needed definition and direction in her life.
“Forget it.” Buffy moved out of the kitchen, up the staircase and into her room, slamming the door behind her, leaving Spike to follow her to the bottom of the staircase, scratching his head in wonder about what was going on in her head. Taking the slamming door as a cue, Spike turned and opened the front door, closing it as quietly as he could behind him. He never heard the quick and shallow sobs that just above the top flight of stairs, or the silent tears that fell onto a bunched up pillow, clutched tightly against a face that reflected a mirror of hurt and pain.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Later that night…
Spike sat at the dinner table, absolutely bored out of his brain, as his date blabbered on about something, he took absolutely no interest in what she was saying. He had to admit that this was the worst evening that he’d had out in ages, ~now if Buffy had been here, she wouldn’t have been blathering on about~….stopping himself in that thought, he caught himself wishing that he’d stayed at home for the decent conversation he would be getting from her at least. He couldn’t help but think and reflect on the conversation and scene that had played itself out before he’d left.
He knew deep down in his gut that he was missing a vital piece of some puzzle, he couldn’t put his finger on it, he just knew that something was drastically wrong in the Summers-Freemantle’s household. That was obvious considering what had happened in the early part of the evening. Maybe the whole pregnancy deal was creating such a heavy burden for her. Life hadn’t been pleasant for him either over the last few days. Hence the thought of rejoining the human race again seemed a pleasant one, when Harm had asked him out. It was proving to be a big mistake, instead of locking himself in his home office, as his usual routine dictated, he had decided to go out with her, to distract him from the chaos that presided over his life at present.
He wondered if he should tell Buffy what had been happening in his life lately, but in a strange way he wanted to protect her, he had been trying to think of their future, nothing like how Buffy had accused him. The truth was that he had yet to untangle himself from the web that Lily had snared him into with the divorce, and because of this, he couldn’t really think beyond anything but the present moment. The birth of the baby was the one thing that gave him real joy, and gave him hope for a new day, and hopefully a new life soon, beyond all this mess.
Lily’s lawyers appeared to enjoy making his life a living misery, as they continued to try and part him from more of their joint assets and his belongings . It was with some professional pride that he withstood their daily attacks, and refused to budge on some points. In addition they continued their advice that Lily not sign the waiver of paternal rights over the baby, despite the fact that she walked away from this marriage for another man, and did not intend to ever be a part of the baby’s life. It was like the blade in a guillotine, that they were willing to threaten him with, and chop his head off if he didn’t comply with their demands. It was getting to breaking point, he was willing to give it all away, just to have some peace in his life, and get rid of the bitch.
Spike knew that it could threaten not only the outcome for himself, but more importantly Buffy herself, for if Lily wouldn’t sign then Lily could walk in and demand the child. This was something that Spike didn’t want, he promised Buffy the right to her child, to bring it up in this world, and he never wanted a woman like Lily to take over that role.
He had to admit to himself that she was right about one thing, they had to make plans about after the birth of the baby, despite the obstacles that she didn’t know about. Maybe even if he shielded her from the truth, he could still smooth the path, from the rocky road that they’d found themselves on tonight. A plan of action was needed, with clear definitions of what role they would play in the baby’s life and each others. Maybe they could come up with some compromise about everything, to suit each other like living arrangements and time with the baby. Maybe…
The thought of not living at the same house as his child made him cringe, not being there for the baby’s first words, or footsteps, and all those other important milestones made him feel sick. The thought that they would probably be reported to him by Buffy over the phone, or recorded on video to be watched later by him, just didn’t seem right, he was the kids dad, and should be there for every moment, every millisecond of the baby’s life he could be.
“Spikey?” A loud whiney voice interrupted his train of thought. “Are you even listening to me? You’re not, are you!”
“I’m sorry Harm, what did you say?”
“What are you thinking so deeply about, Spikey?” Harmony moved around her chair to his side of the table, and laid her hand suggestively over his own, “Maybe about a little fun we could have?” She carped, her bright pink fingernail drew lines up and down his arm.
“I’m sorry Harmony but I was thinking about something important.” Spike just wanted to go home and talk to Buffy, to reassure her, and not lose what they had worked so hard to establish.
“Sounds like a naughty boy needs to be taught a lesson!” Harmony continued to move herself more snugly up to him, rubbing her thigh next to his.
“I’m sorry Harm but I have to go home and do something important!” Spike tried to gently untangle himself from her grasp, but she didn’t seem to want to give him up just yet.
“What could be more important then little old me and a little fun?” Harmony began to blow in his ear, he tried to pry her off more.
“Look Harm thanks for the offer, but….” Spike ended up physically lifting her hands of him, and moved his chair away from her, which deeply offended his companion.
“Oh my god! Who do you think you are turning me down?” Harmony let out, the saccharine sugary voice gone.
“Harm, I’m sorry but I’m not interested! I have bigger fish to fry than you, and more important things to do than play little games!” Spike quietly told her, with heads beginning to turn in the restaurant; he tried not to make a scene.
“Like who? Do you know who I am?” The real Ms Kendall decided to make an appearance, “I’m a lot of business to your firm Spike and I will not be treated like this!”
“I don’t care Harm!” Spike was getting tired of her, “You could be the Queen for all I care! As for any of your business you bring in for the firm. You can shove it!”
“What!”
“I said you can shove it! I will not work for a pompous, primped, self-centred, self-glorifying, stuck up little bitch!” Spike let her have it, he’d had enough of her.
“And I wouldn’t want to fuck a stuck up pig like you, William Freemantle!” Harmony let it fly, “You’re beneath me!”
“You wish Luv!” Spike stood up, taking out his wallet he made his way to the Hostess’s Desk, he took out a wad of cash and gave it to the woman at the desk, apologizing for his behaviour to her. He then turned back to Harmony and said, “That’s a stuck up dad-to-be pig, thank you!” Harmony’s jaw fall even further, and the hostess’s silent clapped her two hands together with glee. He walked to his car and drove himself home, where he finally realised he should be tonight, with his future.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Letting himself in via the back door, he found the kitchen the way that Buffy had left it, with half chopped vegetables on the counter, and cutlery lying on the bench ready to be put out. He found the upstairs light on, and Buffy’s bedroom door still closed. He walked up the stairs and down the passage, until he stood in front of her door, he lightly tapped on it and opened it up just a fraction. With no reply he walked in, and sat on the edge of her bed, Buffy lay on her side facing away from him, he watched her take in slow shallow breaths, but still he asked, “Buffy, are you awake Luv?”.
“No. Go away!” Came an equally quiet voice from the other side of the bed.
“Buffy, we need to talk.”
“I said no.” Buffy turned her head a little, her eyes puffy from long ago dried tears, and a lack of sleep. “Please not now. Go away!”
“Tomorrow, Buffy? Tomorrow we have to talk!”
“Okay, tomorrow.” With that, Buffy turned her head back into her pillow.
Happy with that, because he knew that he couldn’t get anything more from her, and he didn’t want to push his luck, he moved off the bed, and towards the door. Taking the handle, he said one last thing, “I’ll see you in the morning.”
He finally felt her despair and pain, as he heard her almost silent reply.
“You never see me, and you never have.”
TBC
A/N: Thanks so much to Kirsty and Darcy for editing and beta reading this fic… I am so lucky that I have such great friends…who will rip a fic limb from limb, then put it back together again…..lol just kidding ;)
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