Chapter Eight
Second Sight
Spike moved away from her door after closing it behind him, he heard every word that she’d said. Every biting vowel, and syllable. He didn’t understand it, but the pain in her words came through clearly.
“You never see me, and you never have.”
Her words played over and over in his mind, this had to be the missing piece of the puzzle that he’d been grasping to find. The piece that may unlock the complex being that she was, and what was driving her at the moment. The words continued to reverberate through his mind, every rationale and explanation for what she meant bounced around in his skull. Yet it always came rebounding back to the same thing, which he dismissed, as it was just too hard to believe. He continued his way to his room, shaking his head as he closed the door behind him, the darkness of the room surrounded him, as he got ready for bed.
Sliding himself in between the sheets, he looked around the room, shadows formed from the moonlight that rained in from the window. The outline of the room became clearer as his vision adjusted to the darkness, the furniture took shape and he could just make out his shape in the mirror of the dresser. He looked as best he could at the reflection that he projected, every outline and texture of his form. Her words began to ring in his mind again. Maybe it was true, he’d never really seen her, just what he wanted to see. Never the real her, but then again had she ever really let him see the real her. Was she keeping it so deeply bound within herself that he never noticed? The answer screamed itself out in his subconscious, he scrunched his eyes shut, blotting out the world as he turned himself over in the bed, throwing himself over in denial. He refused to acknowledge his mind’s answer, ‘No don’t say it’.
He could feel the walls of his world crumble around him, the truth couldn’t be held back anymore. The past came flooding back, her behaviour when they’d first met, the truce when he’d married Lily, and their ‘comfortable friendship’. All that time he never noticed anything different about Buffy, she’d been just that, Buffy. Spike tried to remember a word, a motion of her hand, a sign of something, anything that would make some sense of this chaotic mess. He couldn’t think of a single thing. ‘Don’t say it,’ ended his train of thought, ‘don’t say it’.
He turned over to look at himself in the mirror again.
“Say it.” The words flowed out of him.
He clutched the sheets between his hands; he couldn’t let himself answer. It was just too much for him to face, not only the truth, but also the implications.
“Say it.”
Moving himself to the side of the bed, he dangled his legs over the side, and continued to look at his reflection in the mirror.
“Oh god, no!” Spike ran his hands through his hair, “No!”
A wave of emotion ran through him as he finally acknowledged the truth. The truth to why she had probably been shy when they had first met, why she had avoided him and had been rude in the beginning, and had put him at a distance whilst he’d been with Lily. Yet it didn’t answer why she had gone through with the surrogacy. That thought plagued his very soul. Why would someone do that? It had to be for Lily, it had to have been. Or had it?
Memories of her being with them time and time again, when Lily had come out of Dr Singer’s office with a negative result, went through his mind. He remembered Lily’s promise of always ‘next time’, but ‘next time’ had never come. He remembered his own devastation, especially the last time. That had nearly been the end of him, and the one time that Buffy had come up and put her arms around him, once Lily had gone into the kitchen to get a coffee for all of them, if his memory served him correctly. In the comfort that she’d offered, he remembered seeing her pain for them, and her words of, “It’ll happen, you’ll see. If not this way, another. You’ll have what you want.”
What he wanted so desperately, was a child that he would have done anything for it to happen. Which it had, it had come from her, her gift of the baby to him and Lily. Yet why did Buffy do it? Why? The answer struck him with such a force, that it knocked the wind from him, and caused a great pain to spread through him, that started in his heart.
She’d done it for him. To give him the one thing that he always wanted. She’d been willing to bury her own deep feelings to give him something that Lily couldn’t.
A family.
He covered his face with his hands, they slid down his face in guilt, as the repercussions ran through his mind.
“Oh god, no. No,” Spike finally acknowledged the truth. Buffy had done it from some deep emotions that ran through her, he didn’t know if he wanted to label them, but he now saw the truth. He could truly see her.
She was in love with him. How could he have been so fucking blind all these years?
A single tear fell down his cheek as he realised the burden he carried, and the conflicting emotions that paralysed his mind, body and soul. What in hell’s name was he going to do? Here he lay in her house, in her guest bed, hanging on to every moment he could of her pregnancy, and surrounded by everything that was her. He was drowning in her, every pore and cell of his body was perpetuated with her being, the baby had seen to that, and his desire to be with his child. The only place she wasn’t was in his heart.
‘Liar!’ His mind screamed at him, he couldn’t deny the fact that she held a small place in it, especially since he’d found out of her pregnancy, and the day she had taken his hand and accepted his protection. Yet his conscious screamed at him in pain, he didn’t know if he could feel the same as her. He felt in some strange way that he’d let her down, and himself, by not seeing the truth earlier. He’d been in love with Lily, and he had been blind to everything else around him. Feeling trapped, he got out of bed and dressed; grabbing his wallet and keys he left his room. He ran out and down the stairs, fleeing the house and every thought that consumed him.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Upstairs Buffy had heard the guest room door slam shut, and the footsteps that followed down the staircase and out of the house. She felt the moisture run down her face, as her silent tears began. Pain filled and overwhelmed her. She grasped her stomach in her hands, as she felt the first little flutter of life move inside her. This only made the tears flow harder and stronger.
He must have heard her words.
She felt totally numb, time seemed suspended, the world seemed to have stopped turning. What had she done? The words had just flown out of her mouth, years of hiding the truth from herself and others had come flooding out of her mouth. Even though it needed to be said, a deep regret filled her, laced with anguish. The implications were too unpredictable, the thought of what Spike was thinking or feeling was too hard to even contemplate. It seemed ironic in someway, one sister glad to see the end of him, and the other holding impossible dreams and desires.
In her mind, she could only see his leaving as a sign of rejection, his intentions clear. He wanted the baby but not her, never her. She wiped the tears away from her face, and climbed out of the bed, making her way to the guest room, she entered and sat on the bed. Looking around she could see his personal effects around the room. For a second, she allowed herself to take it all in, his things in her house, the faint smell of his aftershave in the room, and his favourite leather duster thrown over the wicker chair in the corner. She lifted the duster up, and ran her hand along the leather, with its soft supple texture.
Buffy sat back down on the edge of the bed, and for a few moments, she allowed herself to lie down along its length, to rest, just for a minute. She pulled herself into a ball, hugging the duster to her, and closed her eyes. ‘What a mess’, Buffy thought, ‘What am I going to do?’ The situation between her and Spike was spiralling down into dangerous territory, she could feel its darkness begin to envelop her. All she wanted to do was turn back time, and do this all again the right way.
All she wanted to do was sleep, and run away for a while in its unconsciousness. To accept the escape it offered. Just to rest. She just wanted to rest. Still lying on the bed, sheer exhaustion claimed her, and carried her into slumber.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Spike drove around in his car for hours, he ended up in front of his home, well the home that he’d shared with Lily. With a little reluctance he pulled into the driveway, and opened the garage door with the remote, before driving the car into it and coming to a halt. He sat inside the car for a few minutes, gathering his courage he stepped out and walked through to the connecting door to the house. It was flooded in darkness, turning on the light he squinted at the brightness of it, looking around it was the same as he’d left it the night he’d moved into Buffy’s. The whisky and glass still sat on the coffee table, the cloth sat beside it. A sad smile came to his face as he saw the stain in the carpet, from the whiskey he’d split when he’d heard Buffy announce her pregnancy on the answering machine.
He went straight into the kitchen and grabbed himself a new glass to finish what he’d started. With a hand on the glass, ready to take it from the shelf, he looked at it and stared straight into it. This wasn’t the answer, it would bloody help, but it wasn’t going to solve anything, just give him one hell of a headache in the morning. Sitting on the sofa, he poured himself one regardless.
With some irony, he lifted his glass and looked at the contents. “Cheers’ Luv”, this time it wasn’t for his ex, but for her. He downed the burning liquid in one gulp, looking at the glass in his hand, he raised it and hurled it across the room. He watched it shatter into a million pieces against the wall, as the shrapnel sheered itself across the room.
.
It was like the beginning all over again, except this time she hadn’t run away from him, she’d been waiting for him to notice her, to see her. Quietly and silently, holding whatever she’d felt deep down inside herself. Yet what did he expect her to do, come up to him one day and say, “I know you’re married to my sister, but I care about you!”
“Bloody Hell!”
His words broke the silence that surrounded him, and echoed off the empty walls of the house. He looked at the sheer whiteness of the room he sat in; he never really noticed how sterile and uninviting it had really looked. He couldn’t help but compare Lily to Buffy, their homes were two completely opposite personalities. Buffy had embraced a country look that was warm and invited you into its depths. Whilst Lily had insisted on the totally white look that demanded extra care, and no messy hands or food spills. It’s walls within sterile, uninviting and repelling.
This was the same place that he’d made his decision, the same seat, the same place. This was one of the consequences in his decision he’d made, in walking away from his marriage. One that he would have to live with, and try to resolve, but how he was going to do it was a total mystery to him. He remembered that he had made Buffy an accomplice, he’d made her decide which side she was on in this mess. He knew that she’d given just about everything up to side with him, she’d even risked her family, not that they’d even contacted her in these last few months. He shook with the ramifications of his actions. He’d never even given her family a second thought, the only thing that had been important to him had been the baby, and getting the hell out of his marriage. He’d totally overlooked Buffy’s sacrifice.
Once again she’d chosen him, over all the others.
He thought about her family for a moment, they hadn’t even bothered to call their daughter, but then again he’d never asked, never even cared to ask, to him they had been unimportant. He could only guess that they knew about the baby and Buffy’s defection from her sister. That they were siding with Lily for some reason, he could only guess what she’d told them, probably it was his fault. It was his entire fault.
The memory of offering Buffy his protection only heightened his feelings of guilt, for every step he’d taken in dealing with Buffy, he’d somehow betrayed her. He’d demanded her allegiance, leaving her with nowhere else to turn. He’d used the fear of losing her baby to make her chose him, to force her hand. He’d even told her that he’d look after her rights to the baby and told her not to seek legal counsel. The waves of guilt were beginning to consume him, he had betrayed her even more than Lily had, or anyone else for that matter.
He’d done it for his own protection, and desire to keep the baby close to him, regardless of the outcome. Maybe he’d done this subconsciously, or not, he’d never even considered it, he just done it with out even giving it a second thought. The truth came out and smacked him in the head.
He’d been using her for his own means. Not once had he seen her, the real her. Guilt consumed him, as his heart broke even further.
He did care about her.
More than he should.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
Buffy never heard the front door open, or the steps that carried the person up the stairs to her room. She never heard her door open, or the hushed “Buffy?” or the frantic steps throughout the house, as the intruder sought her out. They stopped directly outside the room in which she slept, slowly the door was opened to reveal the sleeping form of the owner of the house. Spike watched her sleep on his bed, with what looked like his duster encased between her arms. The sun was rising slowly through the edges of the curtain, allowing a low light to penetrate the room.
He swallowed hard, trying not to let the guilt he felt rise any further than it was. It was consuming his very soul, making his life feel like an eternal torment now and he didn’t need to add anymore to it. What he needed to do was to make it up to her. So much that she would never need know what he’d done, or the guilt that languished him. He’d fix this bloody mess up, he’d make the best he could of it for her.
He’d give her what she wanted, a safe and secure future, no matter what the consequences held for himself. He wanted to make her happy and make her life perfect, he just hoped that she’d allow him to be part of that life. He knew he didn’t deserve it.
He had been blind not only to her, but himself. With a even deeper seeded regret, he realised how much he’d come to enjoy her company, enjoy the comfortable life she’d given him, the haven from the mess of his divorce, with the support and trust she’d given him. The sacrifices that she’d made for herself, for the baby, and him were just too many to count. He hoped it wasn’t too late to make some amends, and maybe just maybe make a life for themselves with the baby.
He stood stiffly as he realised what he was truly asking of her. He wanted her. All of her. He would take nothing less. The axis upon which his world stood was shifting dramatically, he could only hope that he, that they, could survive the oncoming onslaught. However, that would be up to Buffy. His true future lay in her hands, and if he was really true to himself, his heart as well.
How could he have been so blind?
A/N Thanks to Darcy and Kirsty for their great editing and beta reading..and their opinions. They always answer my call of ‘help’ or ‘what do you think?’.
I would also like to thank Lady Brandywyne for her support and information of legal aspects to this fic…which I have bent every rule…I have no idea about laws etc, and her help has been invaluable and will add a little spice later to the fic…
[Reviews - 155]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | 
Chapter or Story
Has been viewed 3250 times
- Text Size +
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Chapter or Story |
Chapter or Story | Chapter or Story - Text Size +