Chapter Nine
Tell Me
Buffy woke, startled as the light hurt her eyes, already sore from the previous nights tears. Within her hands she realized that she still held his duster, only this time it covered her form and encased her within its warmth. She shook slightly with fear at the realization that he hadn't come home, yet the alternative that he may have discovered her in his bed, worried her even more. Quickly she got herself up from the bed, pulled the sheets straight as best she could and left the room. She ran to her room, slammed the door, and dived into the safety of her own bed.
Closing her eyes to the world around her, she felt like a truck had run over her. The nothingness that she'd hoped to find in slumber had never come, only idle dreams of what could have been, and worse the nightmare that followed with him finding out her deepest secret. The secret that she had blurted out for the world to hear, laced with her pain and regret. The sound of his footsteps echoed in her mind, the echo that they'd created as he walked out the door, and the slam of the door, felt like he'd slammed it in on her face.
Buffy's silent reflection was shattered by the clunking of cutlery and plates, that rose from the kitchen below. He was here, in the house. How long had he been here? Had he seen her in his room? Covered with his duster in slumber? Too many questions flowed through her mind, and not enough answers followed.
Slowly getting out of bed, she grabbed her dressing gown, left her room, and went down the stairs, making her way to the kitchen. She found Spike leaning over the stove, cooking what looked like an omelette. He turned his head and his gaze met hers with a big grin across his face. He looked tired, like he'd been up all night and hadn't had a wink of sleep.
"Hungry?" Spike lifted the pan from the stove, leaning it over in her direction. Buffy felt the waves of nausea hit her, she bolted to the downstairs loo, leaning over it she dry retched as she had nothing in her stomach. Spike quickly turned of the element and followed her to the bathroom.
"Sweetheart?" Spike leant over her as she continued to heave. He took a cloth from the towel rack, moistened it with water, and wiped her forehead as she rested her head on her forearm, over the porcelain.
"I'm okay." Buffy moved herself away from the bowl, "Please stop fussing."
"Hey enjoy it while it lasts?"
"Meaning?"
"Meaning what?"
"Answer a question with a question. Typical male!" Buffy stood rebutting any of his attempts at helping her up, it would seem that it was time she got used to doing things herself.
"All I meant was, soon we won't have time to make a fuss over anything. The baby will be taking up all our time." Spike broke out into a soft, smile as he leaned a hand over her stomach, outlining her growing abdomen. "I won't be able to spoil you as much."
Buffy quickly withdrew herself from under his hand, and left him standing in the bathroom. Making her way back into the kitchen, she got herself a glass of ice to suck on; it seemed to help with the nausea, but not her current irritation.
Spike.
"Buffy, are you alright?" Spike asked her.
"Hello! Pregnant!"
"Stating the obvious sweetheart!" Spike went back to the meal he was making, and flipped the omelette onto a plate, taking a knife and fork he sat down at the breakfast bar, and began to eat.
"I might be pregnant Spike, but I'm not stupid!"
"I never said you were!"
"I wonder sometimes about you Spike."
"Hmm good things I hope." Spike waited for her response, it seemed to be coming to crunch time, he could only hope it went well, and the way he wanted it to.
"Good? I'm beginning to wonder about that." Buffy crossed her arms as she stood behind the sink.
Spike dropped his fork, her words reverberated through his skull, he had to think quickly to try and not let this discussion spiral downward. He'd made a decision about the three of them, and now all he had to do was make sure he directed Buffy towards that.
"Yeah Buffy good things, because that's what I need you to think. That all I do is good for you."
"You sound like a cereal commercial Spike. Eat me, I'm good for you, and will keep you regular," Buffy smirked.
"Buffy, all I have is good intentions towards you and the baby." Spike got up and walked around the kitchen island, until he stood in front of her, "You and the baby are the most important things in my life. It may have taken me a little while, but I now realise that you and the baby are my world."
Buffy's mouth opened aghast with what he was saying, she realised that this was what she'd been dying to hear from him for years, her every secret desire realised. Yet something deep down inside was screaming that something was wrong, this was too sudden and a too quick a change of attitude for him. My god he'd been out on a date last night, left the house last night slamming the door behind him, and now stood in front of her all "you are my world". Lily's words in her letter came screaming out at her 'just be careful Buffy, he'll manipulate you, and do anything to get what he wants. He can be a monster sometimes, so tread carefully or you could lose everything'. She felt caught between her deepest desire to give in to what he was saying, and the little voice of caution in the back of her head.
"Your world Spike, what about mine? Don't I have a right to decide just where you fit into all of this?" It would seem that caution had won her over.
“Of course you do, but I thought we agreed to equal input into this.”
“Equal. That’s laughable Spike. You hold most of the cards, you are the dealer and the banker in this game.”
“Buffy this isn’t a game!”
“Isn’t it?” Buffy shook her head at his response, she couldn’t believe in her dreams and feelings anymore, she felt them shatter within to dust, “Sometimes it feels like you’re playing a game, and I’m just a pawn in it!”
He flinched at her words, the thoughts from last night came flooding back, a reminder that the truth was that he had been manipulating her, and everything between them, to suit himself and his own agenda. Yet it looked like this pawn was beginning to struggle, to find her place within the maze of their relationship. Buffy was finding her own voice, and reason in this mess, and she had a right to, he just had to make sure that he was part of that voice and reason.
“Buffy you are not a pawn in any game I’m playing, you have to realize that. You mean more to me than that!”
“Well I’m not so sure of that anymore. I’m not sure of anything anymore.” Buffy walked away from him. Spike stood in the kitchen, its silence echoing off the walls and deep into him. It would seem that everything he feared was coming true. He was losing the two most important things in his life.
Through his own stupidity and blindness.
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~
He found her sitting quietly on the sofa, staring into nothingness, lost in a world of her own. Sitting on his knees in front of her, he slowly took hold of her hands, clasping them until they were totally encased in his. He lifted them to meet his lips and gently placed a kiss upon them. Buffy stared through glazed eyes that brimmed with tears. She tried to remove her hands from his, but he applied enough pressure to keep them in his.
“I swear to you, that I only want to do the best I can by you and the baby. I know that it’s hard to believe sometimes Buffy, but I do.” Spike placed a hand on her chin and brought her face back to his, she turned to look away, wanting to avoid any eye contact. “I’ll do anything to prove that to you. Anything Buffy, just name it, and I’ll show you that I care about you and the baby!”
Buffy just didn’t know what to say, or where to start, the apprehension filled her again, that something was wrong, and most of all the dread that he hadn’t been truthful to her filled her with trepidation. The one man that had meant so much in her life, was not telling the truth, holding back information from her, and most of all she was beginning to feel manipulated, that she was being moulded the way he wanted her to be.
“Tell me that you’ve never lied to me.” Buffy put it plainly and simply. “Tell me that I can trust you. Tell me…tell me…”
“What Buffy, what!”
“Tell me that you’ve never used me.”
Spike’s mouth hit the floor as he felt the bottom of his world fall from under him, he looked away from her, his hands slipped from hers, as he leaned back onto his haunches. He couldn’t reply, the words stuck in his throat. Buffy saw raw emotions flow through his eyes and face, as the truth became obvious. Inside her the man she though he was shattered into a thousand pieces, pain sheared through her heart as it crushed within itself, and her hopes for the future became a mirage that disappeared from view. It left her empty and gutted.
Standing up, she weakly moved past the man that still sat on the floor, she hit her shin on the coffee table, knocking all its contents to the floor. Including the legal papers that he’d put there the night before, to which she’d not paid much attention , but they had her attention now. A bright red file, with, “Summers Affidavit” written across it fell to the floor. Looking back at Spike, she could see that he hadn’t moved a muscle, except for the hands that now covered his face in disbelief. Taking the initiative, she picked up the folder and opened it, glancing at the content made her sick to the stomach. She quickly reread the papers, and took in the highlighted areas of the draft document…..
‘I Buffy Anne Summers, hereby state the following to be a true and accurate statement….’
“I on the…date yet to be determined…did find my sister; Lily Daisy Freemantle with one Liam James, having sexual relations in my apartment, at….addresses needs to be confirmed... Which then Lily Freemantle requested that I keep silent about and refrain from mentioning to the applicant, William Freemantle.”
Further into the paper she felt the bile hit the back of her throat as she took in even more…
“I also declare that the following copies of letters from my sister, Lily Daisy Freemantle, are true copies, and I freely give them to the applicant William Freemantle, in his application for ‘Application of Dissolution of Marriage Application Number 16012801’ in support of evidence of the above statement.”
Buffy let it slide from her hands, the sound of fluttering papers caught Spike’s attention, as he watched the papers fall before him. Getting quickly to his feet, he scrambled his way to stand beside her, he watched as the tears began to slide down her face, the realisation that he had been using her all this time to get what he wanted, the baby. Every word he uttered just a few minutes ago a lie.
All of it a lie.
“You lying, manipulating bastard!” Buffy slapped him hard across the face, “Get out of my house!”
“Buffy please let me explain!” Spike placed a hand to his flaming cheek that held the imprint of her anger and hurt.
“Get the fuck out of my house!” Buffy turned away from him, yet was kept back as his hands shot out and held her in place. “Let me go!”
“NO!” Spike didn’t want to let her go, he wanted to make her understand, make her see the truth and see that he’d changed. To see him. “Buffy please let me explain!”
“Spike let me go!”
“I can’t Buffy!” Spike drew her to him, she reared her hand up to his chest as she tried to push him away, “I can’t give you up!”
“Because of the baby.” Buffy pushed harder, “I’m nothing to you without the baby!”
“I know you feel something for me Buffy! I’ve seen it in your face!” Spike brought his head down to her face as he tried to engage her in a kiss. “I know you feel it!”
Buffy for a few seconds let him kiss her, she felt her heart rejoice in her one time fantasy, but it was empty and lifeless. For those few seconds Spike thought he had a taste of paradise, that she was relenting to him, that she was reflecting his want and need. It was shattered as she, with a quick shove of her hands on his chest pushed him away. He stumbled backwards until he landed on the wall of the living room. She stood before him with tears running down her face, her hands circling her stomach in a protective way, and the rejection clearly written on her face.
Spike slid down the wall, until he came to be sitting on the floor, his face coming to rest in his hands, she could hear the quiet sobs come from deep within him, he eventually lifted his face covered in tears and grief. The contradiction of what her mind was telling her, and what her heart was crying out, was creating such conflict within herself. She didn’t know whether to leave him there in his pain, because he deserved it. Her heart told her another story, that this was real and no matter what had happened before now, was telling the truth. He wanted her, needed her and not just because of the baby, yet the little voice in the back of her mind reminded her that, she wouldn’t be in this predicament if it wasn’t for the baby. He probably would never have looked sideways at her, even if he and Lily had divorced.
The contradiction was pulling her apart, she couldn’t believe things had come to this point, numbness filled every cell in her being, and choked her voice, and she couldn’t utter a word. She gave in to that feeling as she walked back to the sofa and just sat. She looked out the open window into the glare of the day. She heard him quietly and slowly stand up from the floor, the soft footsteps of his walk until he stood next to the sofa, and the quiet words he spoke, “I’m sorry.”
“Why?”
“I shouldn’t have grabbed you like..”
“That’s not what I meant.” Buffy looked at him quickly, “Why this? Why now?”
“This?”
“The sudden show of emotions, you’re getting what you’ve always wanted. The baby. Why drag me into it? Why?”
“Because I think that I’m falling in...”
“Don’t say it! Don’t you dare say it!” Buffy felt the tears rise to her eyes again. “Don’t you dare say those words to me!”
“Why? Do you think I’m beneath you too?”
“What?”
“Forget it!” Spike exploded, in strides he moved to the front door and opened it. He just stood there trying to walk out, trying to leave, but something held him firm in his place. He couldn’t do this a second time, he couldn’t give up everything, and walk away, not again. With him being the stupid git that he was, he hadn’t realised until it was maybe too late, that Buffy and the baby, were his life and soul. He couldn’t give them up for anything or anyone, even as hard as it was going to be, he was willing to give everything up for them, even his pride, and even his soul.
“So you walk out on me again?”
In response to her question Spike shut the door that stood open before him, slamming it on its hinges as he walked back to her. He went and sat on the opposite sofa, but at the other side, he didn’t want to scare her off.
“I don’t know who you are anymore?” Buffy brought her feet up onto the sofa as she sat sideways. “You’re not who I thought you were.”
“Was I ever? Or just a fantasy of someone you thought I was.”
“I don’t know.”
Spike took a chance, and moved over to her side of the room again, he carefully moved into the seat next to her. Taking an even greater chance, he had to do something about this situation, it had already spiralled out of control, and he wanted to retrieve something from this mess. Even try to make something come from it. He had to try.
“All I know is that things change. Life changes. We change.” Spike took a leap of faith and took her hand. “I am part of that man you think I am, but there’s more to me than that.”
“I don’t think I know who you are anymore.” Buffy looked at him with distrust and pain on her face. “I don’t know what you want?”
“Buffy I think you know who I am and what I was when this all started.” Spike squeezed her hand, “And I think you know what I want.”
“The baby!”
“More than that and you know it! Deep down you know it!”
“What? What do you want from me?”
“All of you.”
“How do you expect me to believe a word that comes out of your mouth?” Buffy pulled herself away from him. “Every word you use to your own advantage. I don’t know if I can believe you anymore.”
“Then let me ask you Buffy. What do you want me from me? You wake up today, and everything has changed. I am not the enemy!” Spike was at his wits ends.
“Said the Trojans to the Greeks!”
“Bloody hell, Buffy! What are you after, my blood! I bare myself to you and you walk all over it like it’s dirt beneath your feet!”
“Do you just expect me to go all soft and fuzzy, and drop to your feet in adoration?”
“I don’t know what to expect, but not this!” Spike stood up and looked at her as she sat on the couch, “Maybe I was hoping we could be together, united and a family!”
“That’s what it always come down to Spike, doesn’t it.” Buffy looked up at him. “Spike wants to play happy families!”
Spike went absolutely pale in the face, he face went blank, and it was like he had become ice inside, Buffy felt a twinge inside her, as a small dread filled her.
“Happy families! Hmmpt! Yes Buffy talking about playing happy families, you and Lily are more similar than you think, because you just sounded like the bitch!” Spike turned away from Buffy as he spoke. “Maybe you could keep the tradition of kicking me in the teeth when I’m at the lowest, that’s what you Summer’s women seem good at!”
Buffy felt her stomach turn at his accusation, it wasn’t true, one thing she wasn’t was Lily. She would never be like Lily. How could he even think that? The very thought he would even think that sunk the final nail in the coffin. “Get out!”
“Gladly!” Spike looked at her, his eyes sharp and brutal as they summed her up, and judged her guilty. This time he did walk to the door, slammed it as he walked out on her, and walked away. Again. This time it was far worse than before, this time he felt as if his soul was being ripped from him, the pain was immense that he felt from her accusations and the home truths that had come to surface. It was far worse than Lily, but this time even though he walked away, he knew he couldn’t stay away, too much was at risk.
He was determined to have her. Her and the baby.
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