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She was too far away from him, but it was a distance she’d imposed on him, on herself. She didn’t want the comfort of his arms and he needed the comfort of hers just as much, he was betting, as she really did need his.

William kept replaying the vision of Hank falling to the ground, of Buffy cradling him in her arms and sobbing for him to wake up. He remembered calling 9-1-1 and then feeling that that was where his usefulness ended.

Helpless, that’s how he felt. He simply didn’t know what to do amidst the confusion and hysteria of the crowd that had gathered in Hank’s office.

He should have gone to medical school, he had thought as he watched Hank being lifted on a stretcher and into the ambulance, Buffy following in behind him, her face wet with tears. He’d wanted to go with her, but she was the only one allowed.

So, William followed closely behind, tearing like a bat out of hell to get there, thinking he would end up beside his best friend if he wasn’t careful.

The only thing he wanted to do while Buffy called Joyce and signed papers was hold her, but she wouldn’t let him. She wouldn’t even talk to him. She spoke to the nurses, being as cooperative as possible to get her father help he needed.

Her tears had seemed to stop somewhere en route to the hospital and William wanted them back. This Buffy, this stoic Buffy he was seeing, frightened him. It was as if a light had gone off inside her and she was just a dried up, emotionless shell. He would have known better how to help her if she cried and allowed herself to be held by him.

Maybe he wouldn’t feel so helpless.

Then Joyce was there, and it seemed she was the one he was allowed to comfort. She sat by him, holding his hand and drying her eyes with a tissue every so often while Buffy paced, her arms wrapped tightly around herself. She was deep in thought and whatever she was thinking, it contained questions that she knew the answers to, because every so often her lips would move and he knew she was talking to herself.

His lips quirked slightly at the sight, remembering when he’d first witnessed her talking to herself. She’d blushed deeply and told him to go away. He did nothing of the sort of course, and instead kissed her breathless telling her how cute it was to see her doing that.

Now all he wanted was to make her tell him what she was saying to herself. He needed to dosomething.

“I don’t blame you,” Joyce whispered to him, looking straight ahead.

That disoriented him for a minute; he wasn’t even sure what she was referring to for a minute. The revelation jarred him. He hadn’t been thinking in terms of ‘Hank had a heart attack because I’m with Buffy’, he’d merely been thinking in terms of ‘Hank had a heart attack, what can I do?’

“She’s blaming herself,” Joyce murmured, nodding towards Buffy. “Her and her father have the oddest relationship, you know.”

“Do they?” he said, speaking for what felt like the first time, his voice rough with disuse.

“They only want to care for each other, but they bicker so much, they drive themselves apart. They can’t just agree to disagree, nor can they see that half the time they’re arguing about why they agree. Buffy would never admit it, but she’s always wanted her father’s approval. And he wants hers. He wasn’t there much when she was younger and then he tried to forge a relationship with her at a time when she wanted to be awayfrom her parents. They play tug of war, but they love each other and at some level, understand each other.”

“I . . . I don’t know what to do for her,” William said, watching his Buffy continue to pace.

“You really love her,” Joyce stated.

“I do.”

“I knew.”

William started, “You did?”

“A mother knows when her daughter is in love.”

William stared at Buffy, “She’s not in love with me.”

Joyce looked up at him then, “She’s not?”

William shook his head, “She’s never said it.”

Joyce patted his arm. “She will. She’s young William, you have to be patient.”

“I know, I’m afraid I . . . I scare her.”

“Her feelings scare her. Being uncertain scares her. Always has with Buffy. She hates to be unsure of anything. She hates surprises. She just likes to know. She shares that with her father.”

“How did you know it was me?”

Joyce smiled, “She talked about you an awful lot in the beginning. And I knew that something had happened when she suddenly stopped.”

“You’re something, Joyce,” William said, chuckling lightly and shaking his head.

The doctor came through the double doors at the end of the hall and Buffy lurched forward towards him. William and Joyce followed close behind. Joyce held onto his hand for support and William longed to take Buffy’s to offer her support but she did not even look his way.

“He’s fine. He’s resting for now. We ran an EKG and it did indeed show he had a heart attack. The cardiologists will be taking him up to the Cath lab and performing a cardiac catherization in about fifteen minutes to determine the extent of the damage and any blockage, so if you’d like to see him now, it’s a good time to do so. Could I ask a few questions Miss Summers?” The doctor with the dark hair and kind eyes asked.

“Of course,” Joyce nodded.

“I’m gonna go see him,” Buffy said.

“You go on ahead,” Joyce told her, “I’m going to talk with the doctor first okay?” Joyce said.

Buffy nodded and started on her way.

“Buffy, wait,” William started after her.

She stopped and turned to him, looking at him as if she’d just noticed he was there. “No, I don’t think that’s a good idea William. I should see him alone okay?”

He nodded and stepped forward, reaching for her, “Sweetheart—“

She stepped away from him and started back down the hall. “Not now, William,” she said over her shoulder.

There he was, feeling helpless again.

************************************************************************

“Daddy?” Buffy asked tentatively, walking in the room in which he was hooked up to so many machines. The brightness of the room hurt her eyes and she started to cry again as she looked at him. Her dad, whom she once thought was invincible, was lying there, helpless. Much like she felt at the moment.

“Buffy,” he said holding out his arms, “It’s okay, honey.”

She let the tears fall, and leaned in, hugging him lightly, not wanting to disrupt the tubes and wires attached to him.

“I’m okay, honey,” he assured her.

“Had you been feeling sick all day?” she asked and sat back on the bed, watching him.

“No pumpkin, I didn’t feel sick all day.”

“You’re taking care of yourself, you understand me,” she scolded him. “No more working late, no more fatty foods. We’re gonna go walking every morning before I have class and before you go to work.”

Hank chuckled, “Knew you’d be worse than your mother.”

“I love you Dad.”

“I know, pumpkin, and I love you too.”

Her mom came in then and her tears started upon seeing him as Buffy’s had.

“Hank,” Joyce murmured as she held onto him.

“I’m okay, honey,” Hank assured her.

Discreetly, Buffy got up and left them alone. She’d wait in the hall for her mom. Coming out in the hall, she saw William standing there, looking lost and sad. She came up to him, placing a hand over her heart. He stared at her hopefully as she approached.

“How is he?” he asked.

“He’s good, he says he’s fine,” Buffy told him.

“Can I – can I see him?”

“He’s with my mom right now . . . I gave them some alone time. Did you happen to hear what they might have to do for him?”

“After the cardiac cath, they’ll be able to determine more.”

“I told him we’re going to go for walks every morning before work.”

He chuckled lightly, but it sounded forced. He looked up at her, solemn expression in place. “What do you need? What can I do for you?”

“Nothing, I’m fine.”

“Buffy . . . please. Talk to me sweetheart.”

“Will, I’m just . . . I can’t process much of anything right now. I don’t know what I need aside from my dad being okay.”

“He will be Buffy. The doctors said so himself.”

“I know, I’m just. . . I’ve never had to deal with something like that, ya know? You . . . you have with your mom.”

William nodded, “I have. Doesn’t mean it’s easier to deal when something like this happens. It’s just. . . .different.”

She nodded, “I think I’m just gonna stay here and see what my mom needs and what he needs.”

“Then I’ll stay too.”

“You don’t –“

“Don’t tell me that,” he said, his tone slightly harsh. “Dammit, Buffy, I love you. I’m not just walking away and leaving you.”

She nodded, “Thanks.”

“Don’t . . . don’t bloody thank me.”

“What do you want me to do then?”

“Just let me be here for you without treating me like I’m the enemy or some stranger—“

“Honey, Daddy’s going in for the cardiac cath soon,” Joyce’s voice carried over to them and the couple turned towards them. “You don’t have to stay here if you don’t want to. It’s going to be a long procedure.”

“No, mom, I want to stay.”

“Honey, you should go home and get some rest. You’ve had a really rough afternoon. Why don’t you let William take you home hmmm?” Joyce said and brushed some hair from Buffy’s face.

“I’m okay, Mom,” Buffy assured her and promptly her stomach growled, causing Buffy to grimace.

“How bout something to eat then, Princess?” William said. “I’ll get you something to eat, come on.”

“William, really, I’m—“

“That would be wonderful, William!” Joyce gushed, “I could go for some tea myself. Soothes my nerves. Why don’t you go with William, honey?”

“Mom—“

Joyce looked at her sternly. “Go.”

Buffy nodded, knowing better than to fight her mother. William tried to take her hand, but Buffy dodged him, “I think the cafeteria is down this way,” she said and started down the hall.

She’d never felt so jumbled emotionally in all her life and she was frustrated that no one seemed to get that all she wanted was to be left alone.





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