[Reviews - 814]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Microsoft Word Chapter or Story | ePub eBook Chapter or Story | Printer Chapter or Story

Has been viewed 4193 times

- Text Size +




Author's Chapter Notes:
Hoping this might give some insight into what's going on in Buffy's head. . .
“Buffy? You there?” Willow said as her hand passed in front of Buffy’s face.

Buffy blinked and snapped back to reality, shaking her head. “Sorry, I was zoning.”

Willow studied her, “Is there anything about your Dad you’re not telling me?”

Buffy stared at her friend, the friend she’d used to cover her time with William, and she realized that Willow knew nothing of that. She’d never hung out with Willow outside of school since the night her and William had met up at the club and she’d gone home with him. She’d been asked to go out, but had declined.

She’d always been with William.

“No, he’s fine,” Buffy said absently. Looking down at her book she thought of how happy Hank looked to be finally arriving home. On her way home, Buffy had stopped and purchased a “WELCOME HOME” banner from a party store and hung it up for him. He’d given her a big hug and thanked her for it.

William had joined them as he said he would and Hank had been pleased to see him. They’d all had dinner together and before it got late, Buffy had called and arranged to meet with Willow at the campus library to go over her studies. She could tell William had been put out by it, but also knew that her studies were important to her so he didn’t pout too much.

“Willow, can I ask you a question?”

Willow looked up from her notes, “Of course.”

“Have you ever felt that you were heading towards something and it was something big? And you were kind of really afraid of what it was you were heading towards, and at times overwhelmed—but you knew at the same time, it was where you were meant to be?”

Willow stared at Buffy, and Buffy could tell she was trying to make sense of what she was saying before she finally answered, “Yes.”

“Did you ever feel . . . crowded by it?”

“Yes. Law school. There are days when I feel confident in it, and then there are days when I feel lost in it. The professors can be so tough and the work demanding and sometimes I think it’d be easier if I just majored in literature instead of this . . . but I know I’m where I’m supposed to be in the long run.”

Buffy nodded and her eyes traveled back to her book.

“Buffy, you want to tell me what’s going on?”

Buffy’s head popped up, “When you fell in love with Oz, how did you know?”

Willow sat back and sighed almost dreamily, “Well, he was someone I wanted to know everything and anything about. We could literally talk for hours and it still wasn’t enough. I wanted more. I wanted to crawl inside his head and know everything about how he felt, thought . . . he was the single most fascinating person I knew. And he in turn made me feel as if I were fascinating and special. I love who I am with him. Together we . . . fit. Like puzzle pieces – clichéd, yes, I know, but true.
I got butterflies in my stomach when I was with him – still do at times – I get giddy and happy and excited. My skin tingled, my heart raced . . . I felt at peace with him and yet on the edge of something grand. I wanted to be there for everything, and I still do. I want to celebrate his successes and bitch with him about his set backs. The world just falls away when we’re together.”

Buffy nodded, mulling it over.

“Are you in love with someone, Buffy?”

“From what you’ve described, it seems I am.”

Willow’s brows knit, “You don’t sound sure.”

“I’m . . . feeling . . . Is it possible to be in love but not be sure if it’s what you want at the moment or maybe it’s not what you necessarily need at the moment?”

“I imagine a lot of people feel that way,” Willow chuckled lightly, “Especially men. The commitment-phobes, you know?”

“Maybe I’m a commitment phobe too.”

“Who is it Buffy?”

Buffy sighed heavily, “Before I tell you, I want to apologize in advance.”

“For?”

”For using you as my cover for so long.”

“This should be good,” Willow said dryly with a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth.

Buffy laughed, “Yeah, it’s good.”

Starting at the beginning when she had ‘re-met’ William, Buffy told Willow everything up to that point about her and William and their relationship. Willow listened, switching between awe and thoughtfulness.

“And now,” Buffy said finishing up, “I just . . . I feel crowded. It’s like my mother knows and supports it and is pushing me toward it and I’m not even sure what it is I want from William—“

“His love maybe?”

“I have that and I’m not sure what to do with it,” Buffy grumbled and ran a hand through her hair, feeling frustrated.

“From what you’ve told me Buffy, it sounds like your relationship with William is pretty intense. It sounds like you’ve been feeling pretty overwhelmed by him from the start and not just recently.”

“Yes, that’s true,” Buffy agreed. “But I was hoping, or thought that it would work itself out. That there’d be a day when I didn’t feel that way anymore. When I would just know, ya know?”

“Buffy, when I first met you, I thought ‘this girl has got it together’. You’re driven, determined and smart. You knew where you were going and what you wanted –“

“So then what happened?”

“Love, Buffy. It has a way of shaking foundations.”

“I don’t want it to shake my foundation!” Buffy exclaimed, frustrated. Her eyes darted around the room and she found she’d drawn attention. She rolled her eyes. “I really need to work on keeping my mouth shut.”

“Listen, you were headed towards something with William and it was scary and it made you feel out of control and overwhelmed. Being older and having experience, he knew what it was and how to deal with it. You, being younger and never having felt anything like it, didn’t. There is no shame in that, Buffy. It’s normal. It’s human. Then something tragic happened that totally completely uprooted your foundation. It was like a car wreck and it threw you clean from the crash. You’re like a . . . a car wreck victim. Disoriented, in shock, numb. You can’t just climb back in the car and drive off again as if nothing happened. It facilitated a chain of events that has made you start to question things. Not to mention what happened just before the wreck…some of how you’re feeling has to be guilt. Even though it’s not your fault, Buffy. You have to keep reminding yourself of that.”

“I thought car wrecks – heart attacks— and near losing someone you love – was supposed to make you value more what you have and hold on to them tighter?” Buffy said in frustration, fighting back tears.

“Buffy, not everyone is the same. Things like that make you question things too – some people end up in that place of holding on to what they have tighter and have a sense of liberation from it. But not everybody is the same. You’re questioning it, what you have, what you want—“

“And it’s making me act like a lunatic and feel crazy. I just feel like I need to get my head together. I feel so out of whack here,” Buffy said, staring off into space glumly.

“Then give yourself time to get your head together. Talk to William about it.”

“I don’t want to hurt him. He’ll be hurt if he knew that part of this – a lot of it—has to do with him.”

”Wouldn’t he be more hurt if you pushed him away without telling him why?”

“How did you get so wise?” Buffy asked, smiling slightly.

Willow grinned. “I was a psych major before I decided I wanted to do law. With that I felt as if I wasn’t headed anywhere.”

Buffy studied her thoughtfully. “So then there’s hope for me. Because at least I knew I was headed somewhere before . . . so maybe with some time I can redefine that path?”

“Exactly. In the meantime, what do you say to going out and blowing off some much needed steam? No boys, just us. We can hit that club again and I can introduce you to Anya once again. Maybe a night out with the girls is just what you need.”

Buffy grinned and sat back, crossing her arms, but feeling much more relaxed. “I think that might be just what the doctor ordered.”





You must login (register) to review.