Do I stress you out?
My sweater is on backwards and inside out
And you say how appropriate
I don't want to dissect everything today
I don't mean to pick you apart you see
But I can't help it
There I go jumping before the gunshot has gone off
Slap me with a splintered ruler
And it would knock me to the floor if I wasn't there already
If only I could hunt the hunter
Buffy knocked on William’s door after having driven around for an hour after her meeting with Willow. She drove around, singing along to the radio and trying to clear her head.
And all I really want is some patience
A way to calm the angry voice
And all I really want is deliverance
Do I wear you out
You must wonder why I'm so relentless and all strung out
I'm consumed by the chill of solitary
I'm like Estella
I like to reel it in and then spit it out
I'm frustrated by your apathy
And I am frightened by the corrupted ways of this land
If only I could meet the Maker
She had considered putting off a chat with William about what was going on in her head, but Willow had made a valid point about keeping it from him. Not to mention, she knew William well enough to know he’d be upset if she didn’t talk to him. Hell, she knew he was already wondering what was going on in her head and why she’d been pulling away. She honestly hadn’t meant to, she just wasn’t clear on what was happening with her and hadn’t wanted to unload on him while she’d tried to figure it out.
She was the Queen of Denial and Avoidance. Of that, she knew.
And I am fascinated by the spiritual man
I am humbled by his humble nature
What I wouldn't give to find a soulmate
Someone else to catch this drift
And what I wouldn't give to meet a kindred
Enough about me, let's talk about you for a minute
Enough about you, let's talk about life for a while
The conflicts, the craziness and the sound of pretenses
Falling all around...all around
Why are you so petrified of silence--
It was strange to her how she could be on this path, sure of what she was doing and where she was going and then all of a sudden, she felt like a little girl lost in a storm. On the one hand, she was an adult able to make adult decisions and have an adult relationship and on the other hand, she felt vulnerable and unprepared. And if she were honest with herself, she knew this was a long time coming, and not just since her father’s heart attack. That had just been the catalyst. She was feeling very rushed into something she wasn’t sure she was ready for.
Her heart was in her throat when William answered the door.
Here can you handle this?
“Buffy, what are you—are you okay?”
She was wringing her hands, a nervous habit, and she stopped, “Yeah, I just, I wanted to see you.”
He pulled her in, closing the door, and pulled her completely in his arms. “I’m glad you came.”
“Can we talk?”
“Of course.”
Did you think about your bills, your ex, your deadlines
Or when you think you're gonna die
Or did you long for the next distraction
And all I need know is intellectual intercourse
A soul to dig the hole much deeper
And I have no concept of time other than it is flying
If only I could kill the killer
Following him into his living room, she took her jacket off and they sat together on the couch.
“Buffy, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”
She worried her bottom lip with her teeth and turned toward him. “I’ve been . . . going through some stuff.”
“We all have.”
That caught her attention. She looked up at him. “I’ve been awful to you haven’t I?”
He shook his head and took her hand in his. “No, Buffy, not awful. Distant.”
“I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be. I wasn’t trying to be . . . I was hoping it’d pass.”
“Hoping exactly what would pass?”
“My confusion.”
“Over?”
“Oh . . . everything.”
“Us?”
She nodded.
“What are you confused about?”
“How I feel.”
He paused and sighed, sitting back and raking a hand through his hair. “Okay. First things first . . . Buffy, do you . . . care for me?”
“I do. I do a great deal.”
“But not love.”
She looked down. “I don’t know.”
“You said it once.”
Her head jerked to him, “I did? When?”
“In the car on the way home from the hospital the day Hank had his heart attack.”
She furrowed her brow. “I said it?”
“Yes, you said it. You were falling asleep and I told you I loved you and you said it back to me,” he said softly, fidgeting slightly.
“Will, I’m sorry, I didn’t know—“
“I didn’t think you did.” He stood and strode across the room, agitated. “Buffy, I realize you’re young, but your age doesn’t matter to me. I love you.”
She studied him. “I know. I’m also inexperienced in this sort of thing. I’ve never been in love before William. I don’t know all that it entails.”
“Feeling. Emotion. It involves your heart and not so much your head.”
“I’m gathering that,” she muttered. “Will, I just feel overwhelmed, honestly. I just feel that I’m . . . going slightly mad right now. I feel like I’ve got a few screws loose and need to tighten them up before I can move forward.”
He froze. “Are you telling me we’re over, Buffy? Are you breaking up with me?”
She paused, hesitating. “I’m not really sure—“
He snapped into action and strode across the room, grabbing her and hauling her to her feet. “No,” he shook his head. “I won’t lose you Buffy. I won’t let you run from me—“
“Will, I’m not running, I’m just trying to talk—“
“You said you weren’t sure. Buffy, I told you. I told you when we started this that if you were with me, I wasn’t letting you go. I knew then and I’m telling you now: I love you, Buffy. I love you and I’m not letting you throw this away—“
She shoved him. “I didn’t say I was breaking up with you. And that,” she gestured between them, right there is why I’m so confused. And overwhelmed. Christ, am I overwhelmed! You’re this calm, rational person one minute then this . . . this caveman the next.”
He looked wounded, “You think I’m a caveman?”
She let out an exasperated sigh and threw her hands up. “See? I suck at this. This is exactly why I never tell anyone how I feel. I always fuck it up!”
He took a deep cleansing breath and looked at her. His shoulders were relaxed, though his blue eyes betrayed his outward appearance of calm. A storm was brewing in those eyes.
“Let’s start again, shall we? What am I doing to make you upset, Princess?
“You’re not . . . You’re intense. Too intense for me when I’m trying to figure out what I feel and what we’re doing—“
“I’m too intense?” he nearly balked at that, “If you only knew how much I’ve kept under wraps, you’d be thanking me for it—“
“Great, thanks. Sorry, I didn’t realize I was making you have to hold back,” she said sarcastically.
“Buffy, you don’t . . . You don’t know what you do to me, Princess,” he said on a whispery sigh. “You . . . I love you so much, baby,” he reached for her and brought her into the circle of his arm, nuzzling her neck. “I love you as I’ve never loved anyone. You drive me bloody crazy with loving and wanting you. I need you, Buffy.”
She sagged against him, feeling that pull to him she always felt in his passionate displays and words. But that is the problem, remember? the voice in her head reminded her.
She stiffened.
“Buffy?” he asked, worriedly, looking at her, caressing the side of her face. “Talk to me, baby.”
All I really want is some peace man
a place to find a common ground
“This, William. This overwhelms me. When you get so intense, I feel like I’m drowning in you – which isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but then I feel like I don’t know what end is up after . . . “
He released her and stepped away from her, almost as if he’d been burned. “I’m driving you away.”
“No, Will, you’re . . . “ she stopped abruptly and then nodded, “Okay, partly yes. It’s me too . . . it’s. . “
“Us,” he said softly.
“What is it you see for us Will? What is it you see in the future?”
“I see forever for us, Buffy. I want you with me forever,” he said deeply, his blue eyes pained.
“I’m not ready for forever yet. I’m not even done with school. I have things I want to accomplish first before I –“
“And I’ll wait. I’ll wait until you’re ready. I’m not normally a patient man, but I can be. Especially when it comes to you, Buffy,” he told her fervently. “Don’t end this, Buffy. Stay with me.”
“I’m not leaving you William. I’m . . . I’m asking for a break. Just some time. Can I have that? Can you give that to me?”
His eyes narrowed, “Does a break include dating other men?”
“No. I can’t conceive of dating anyone else, Will. It just means that we cool it for a while, that’s all. Just some time to get my head on straight.”
“Can I still see you?”
“Yes. But . . . I - I don’t think we should sleep together. I think most of that is where my confusion comes in. All that passion it makes me . . . dazed.”
He smirked, “I don’t see where that’s necessarily a bad thing, pet.”
She smiled softly at him.
And all I really want is a wavelength
All I really want is some comfort
A way to get my hands untied
“Yeah, well, it’s not conducive to getting my head on straight.”
“Buffy, I want you to come to me, to talk to me about things. I don’t want you to feel you can’t.”
She nodded, “I know. It’s why I’m here. I won’t lie and tell you I was all gung ho about coming over and talking with you about this, but I’m trying. I’m just not always going to be good at it.”
“Buffy, you’ve been feeling this way for a while though, haven’t you?”
She looked down, “Yeah, I have.”
“Listen to me. Pet, look at me.”
She looked up at him.
“Please, Buffy, come to me. Come to me and talk to me. About anything. Please. I won’t judge you, I won’t push you for anything. Just talk to me.”
She nodded, “Okay.”
“So, does this mean I can take you out to dinner tomorrow?”
She smiled, “Sure. Well, let me make sure I get my work done first.”
“Will you stop by the office tomorrow? I think Wesley would like to speak with you.”
“Yeah,” she sighed, “Another mess to fix. God, I’m a mess.”
“No, you’re not a mess,” he took her hand and pulled her back into his arms. “You’ve just got a lot going on. You’re still so young . . . sometimes I forget how young you are.”
“I never forget,” she murmured burying her face in his chest. “Times like this remind me that I’ve still got a lot of growing up to do. You sure you don’t want someone closer to your age?” As soon as the words were spoken, she felt nauseous. That didn’t sit well with her at all, nor did the idea of her being with someone else. It’d hurt William and frankly, she didn’t want anyone else.
Sounds a lot like love, the voice told her.
“No, I just want you,” he told her hoarsely. He looked at her, cupping her face in his hands. “Just you.”
She smiled.
“Promise me one thing?”
“What?”
“That there won’t be someone else.”
“For me? No, Will, there isn’t. There won’t be.”
He leaned in and she felt her lips tingle with anticipation of his kisses. He stopped abruptly, “Can I still kiss you?”
“Yes, please,” she whispered and his lips covered hers in a passionate kiss.
He held onto her tight, just holding her for a while after her, telling her how afraid he’d been that he was losing her.
When she left, he kissed her again, slowly and sweetly.
“I’ll be by tomorrow. Do you think Dru will be in?” she asked as she slid her coat on.
He frowned, “Who knows.”
“I’ll be in to see her,” and she smiled devilishly.
And all I really want is some justice
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Sony by Alanis Morrisette
Sony by Alanis Morrisette