Buffy woke slowly, feeling incredibly thirsty again if that were possible. Her eyes snapped open and she spied a large glass of ice water right next to her. She smiled, thoughtful William. Sitting up she grabbed the glass and proceeded to guzzle it when she inhaled the scent of bacon and sausage. Her stomach growled in response and she set the glass down to climb out of bed. Taking the glass with her, she drank it as she padded down the hall and to the kitchen. She had just finished the glass when she entered the kitchen and found William in front of the stove, making scrambled eggs, bacon and sausage. The toast popped out of the toaster. And toast, he was also making toast.
“Morning luv,” he said, not turning around.
She smiled at his back, “Morning.”
“Did I wake you?”
“Nope. Thank you for the water.”
“Figured you’d be thirsty again.”
“It’s amazing; I never thought I’d want water so much. It smells good in here.”
“Thanks. Also figured you’d be hungry. I always want a big breakfast after drinking a lot the night before.”
“Mmm. . . me too. Can I do anything?”
He tossed her a look over his shoulder, “You’ve been drunk before?”
She rolled her eyes, “Well, of course I have been. College parties. . . high school.”
“Bloody hell, Buffy, I didn’t know that.”
She shrugged and went to the toaster and took out the warm toast and placing them on the counter. Opening up a cabinet she found the butter and grabbed a knife in the drawer and started to slather the toast. “You want jelly?” she asked absently and looked over at him. He was smiling at her in an odd sort of way. “What?” she asked.
“You, just helping me make breakfast, knowing where everything is.”
She felt the heat rush to her cheeks, “Well, I have been here a time or two. You learn things.”
He nodded, but said nothing and she had that distinct feeling that he wanted to say something, but was holding back. Again.
“What is it?” she asked.
“What?” he asked, staring down at the frying pan.
“You were thinking something just then, weren’t you?”
He shook his head, “Nope.”
“Liar.”
He chuckled. “Well, yeah. Got me there.”
“Was it one of those thoughts that would overwhelm me?”
“Yes, exactly that.”
She nodded slowly and stuck her finger in her mouth to suck off the butter. “Okay,” she said simply.
“And yes, I’d like jelly. Grape, please.”
”Coming right up,” she murmured and went to the fridge to grab it off the door. As she slathered the jelly on the toast and put two more slices of bread in she said, “I’m sorry that you have to hold back.”
He looked up at her, “It’s okay.”
”But it’s really not though, is it? You hate it.”
“I hate scaring you more.”
“I hate that you have to hold yourself back because I’m chicken shit.”
“Is it that you’re chicken shit or that you just don’t want to feel guilty by not being able to say it back?”
That gave her food for thought. “I didn’t think of it that way,” she told him honestly.
He shrugged, “Just giving another perspective.”
“You know I do –“
“Care for me? Yeah, I know. The question is how much? Am I the neutered boyfriend who gets to see you when the mood strikes and you have need of me—like last night—“
“Last night was . . . last night was me not needing you because the mood struck or because I needed you to bail me out, William. Last night was about me needing you because I trust you and I wanted to see you. After all that shit that Faith was saying about us, about you, I just . . . I just got so upset with her for saying those things—“
”Did they strike a cord, Buffy? Do you think of me as an old geezer? Do you think I tell you I love you to keep you in my bed?”
“If I thought that, then you’d have bailed by now wouldn’t you have? I mean I did say we weren’t going to have sex for a while –“
”Ah yes. Another rule made. By you,” he said as he scooped the eggs onto their plates.
“You want to make some?”
“Will you let me?”
“I don’t know. I don’t know what your rules consist of.”
“So you have the power to veto but I don’t?”
“This is turning out to be a fantastic morning, I’m so glad I called you last night. Remind to not do that again,” she said sarcastically, angrily grabbing the toast out of the toaster and stabbing the butter with the knife aggressively.
After scooping out the sausage and bacon, William slammed the pan in the sink with a loud clatter that echoed in the room. Buffy jumped and looked up at him, knife in hand.
“I’m trying to be understanding here Buffy, but goddammit, I just feel like some puppet on a string here. You get to tell me when I can see you, you get to tell me when I can make love to you, you get to tell me when you feel comfortable enough to let me love you – do you know how frustrating this is for me? All I want to do is love you—“
“And I want you to love me, I’m just not ready for what it all means! God, William, you know . . . this is hard for me too. I feel things for you, so many things –“
”Then why can’t you fucking tell me any of them?” he exclaimed. “You’re leaving me here in limbo. I woke up this morning with you in my arms Buffy but I knew that you weren’t really . . . there.”
“Last night you said we’d figure out a way to make this work. What happened?”
He raked a hand through his hair in frustration. “I don’t know . . . it’s just so bloody hard. You’re right in front of me and I can’t touch you. And I’m not talking about sex here, Buffy so don’t start thinking that Faith is right. She’s bloody not. You’re right there,” he gestured to her, “in front of me and I feel like I can’t touch you. Like there’s this wall between us that I can’t penetrate. This wall that you put there. I’m watching what I say and what I do when all I really want to do is take you in my arms and be allowed to love you. But I hold back. So I don’t frighten you, but I don’t know what is too much or too little anymore. What I think is little is big for you, what I think is too much, is just right. I’m walking on egg shells here, Buffy and I woke up with the thought in my head this morning that as soon as you could, you’d scamper off to put more distance between us because of this little break you’ve got us on!”
She stared at him, open mouthed. “Wow.”
He shook his head. “I didn’t plan to unload like this,” he said quietly. “I’m sorry.”
“No, I’m glad you did. You needed to get it off your chest apparently,” she said, swallowing hard. “Do you feel better?”
“You’d think I would,” he said with a humorless chuckle. He looked at her helplessly, “I just don’t know what to do Buffy.”
She went to him and flung her arms around him, holding onto him tight. “I’m sorry, William. I am so sorry. I wish I could just say . . . everything. I’m frustrated too because I want to, but I want to be absolutely sure. I don’t want to lie to you or lead you on in any way and I feel like I have—“
“No, you haven’t led me on, Buffy. You’ve been honest with me. I’ve known for a while that you’ve felt uncertain. I was just hoping it’d go away.”
“So was I,” she murmured.
He pulled away and gazed at her imploringly. “What have been your best times with me, Buffy?”
She blinked, “What do you mean?”
“What sorts of things have you enjoyed the most?”
“Talking with you,” she said honestly. “Not that I haven’t enjoyed – uh, certain other activities,” she said, blushing, “But I love talking with you William. Learning about you. I love going to a bookstore with you and sitting in the aisle with a book and picking it apart. I love when you tell me stories about the things you’ve done—“
”Yeah,” he said dryly, “I don’t know if I like that so much. You get ideas from my stories.”
She gave him a look.
He took a deep breath and stood straighter. “Then that’s what we’ll do.”
She looked at him in question.
“We’ll talk. We’ll go out and do things and talk.”
”Essentially, we’ll date.”
”Right. With no sex. That means no coming back here because honestly Buffy, having you here is just too much temptation. We’ll go out and do those things. You love learning about me, and I love learning about you, so that’s what we’ll do. And we’ll do it right. I’ll ask you in advance and not just assume you’ll clear your schedule for me and vice versa.”
She raised a brow, “No other women right?”
Now he gave her a look. “Are you serious?”
“Just checking. Cause no other men for me.”
“Better bloody not be any other men,” he growled.
She shook her head, “Nope.”
”So, Buffy, can I take you out on Friday night for a movie?”
She smiled at him, at how cute he was and how relieved she felt that this, this felt right. “Yes. You may.”
”Are you sure you don’t have other plans?”
She rolled her eyes, “I don’t. I think you might have frightened Willow off from ever asking me out again.”
William laughed, “I didn’t mind Willow. Or Anya for that matter. It was the Faith bird I could have done without.”
”Don’t worry; I can do without her too.”
“So, a date? No nights spent here, no making love. Just dates.”
She nodded enthusiastically. “Yes. I think it sounds perfect William. Don’t you?”
He smiled weakly, “It’s a start.”
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