Lying in bed that night, staring up at the ceiling and feeling wide-awake, Buffy mulled over all that her parents had told her. She was in a state of shock. Her mother had an affair! And all this time, she’d blamed her father, solely for their discord. Not that he wasn’t in the wrong by having an emotional affair, he most certainly was. But she could just imagine how he felt.
Lost. Hurt.
Had William felt that way when she’d put them on a break?
Rolling over, Buffy willed herself not to cry. The one person she wanted to call after the bomb had been dropped about her parents was William. She wanted to talk to him about it, get his thoughts on the matter; hear what he had to say. Try to make sense of it with him.
Her palms itched and she stared at the phone on her bedside table. How easy it was to pick up the phone, but how hard it was to actually call.
Shutting her eyes, Buffy willed herself to sleep. No matter how much it hurt, this was probably for the best.
She just wished her heart would stop aching.
**********************************************
William found himself staring out the window for the millionth time the following day. Monday. Two days since he and Buffy had split. Three days since he’d held her in his arms. One day since he’d seen her.
God, he missed her. And God, he was angry with her for walking out the night before. He wanted to shake her and make her talk to him. He entertained the idea of locking them up in a room together until they got everything out in the open and then ended up back together. He didn’t see that happening any time soon.
He glanced over at his clock. Two. Buffy should be arriving any minute now. He stood, ready to hunt her down when he heard her. Laughing. He smiled at the sound and followed the sound out of his office and down the hall. She had her back to him and Wesley was smiling down at her. If that wasn’t an indication of how amazing Buffy was, he didn’t know what was. The woman made uptight, prudish Wesley smile. And not a fake smile, a real smile.
“Ah, William, you come out of hiding,” Wesley said, by way of a greeting.
William smiled tightly at him, wanting to yell at the man for disclosing the fact that he’d been holed up in his office all day. Had he actually gotten any work done? Not much anyway.
Buffy turned slightly, “Hi William,” she said lightly. Her eyes did not reach up to his.
“Hi, Elizabeth,” he said deeply.
“Have you got any work for me?” she asked him, shifting from one foot to the other, frowning slightly.
“I – yes, I do. Why don’t you come with me --?”
“Um, sure,” she nodded. “Once I finish this, I’ll come and have you check it over okay Wesley?”
“Of course Buffy,” Wesley nodded and started for his office.
She followed behind him, silently. He could hear the shuffle of her feet. Unable to stand it much longer, he stopped, causing her to collide with him.
“Sorry!” she gasped and hugged the files she was carrying tighter to her.
“Are you?” he heard himself ask.
She bit her bottom lip and nodded, “Will, I don’t want to talk about it here . . . “
He nodded curtly and turned back down the hall.
Once inside his office, he gave her the rundown of what needed to be done and she made note of it all, asking a question here and there, but keeping it strictly business. No room for teasing, and small jokes over clients and other personal things. She was all business Buffy and he was all business William.
He hated it.
And when she had her work in hand, she looked up at him, “I hear you have an interview tomorrow for an assistant.”
He nodded, not trusting himself to talk, afraid of what might come out.
She looked down and nodded slightly. “Good, well, I’ll come back so you can look over the—“
“Of course,” he cut her off, briskly.
“Right,” she murmured and walked out, leaving the scent of lavender in her wake. He stood there for a long time after, just staring at the door she’d just left from.
****************************
Buffy was gathering her things and putting them in order when William slipped in the door and shut it.
She took pause, and settled her purse back down on the desk. “Hi,” she said and it sounded weak. She cleared her throat. “Is everything--?”
“Everything’s fine,” he said firmly. Then he let out a sigh, his shoulders sagging. “Buffy, we have to talk and I know you don’t want to do it here, but it is the end of the day and I – can we talk?”
She nodded, “Are you sure no one’s here?”
He smiled at her, slightly shy, “Dru’s not here anymore remember?”
She tossed him a small smile, “Yeah, good point.”
“Look, I’m sorry for the way I behaved. I just – I saw those guys all around you and I saw red.”
“Yeah, you did kind of act like an ass there.”
“It’s just with everything . . . I felt maybe I was going to lose you. That maybe the next step after a ‘break’ was going to be you leaving me for someone . . . someone . . . “ he stopped, shaking his head and letting out a growl of frustration.
“Someone my own age?” she supplied carefully.
He stood straighter, his eyes blazing, “Yeah, that.”
“William, I told you I there wasn’t going to be any other men. Did you think I was just blowing smoke up your ass?”
He didn’t say anything for a long while. “No,” he said finally, “I know you wouldn’t cheat on me.”
She studied him for a long moment. “I’m not Isabel.”
His eyes snapped to her, “What?”
She took a deep breath, gathering courage. “She used you in a way. She wanted her husband just passed the time with you. That’s not . . . that’s not what I’ve been doing with you. She was selfish and – Okay, that’s a bad comparison. I realize that I haven’t exactly been fair. I played hot and cold with you. And then lukewarm.”
“Buffy—“
“Can you just let me get this out?”
He nodded.
“Instead of focusing on my classes today, I spent the better part of the day thinking about you and me and the past few weeks. Have you ever stepped back from a situation and looked at it as an observer of it and not someone in the midst of it?”
“I have.”
“That’s what I did today. I looked at it from your perspective and from an outside perspective. I thought about what I would say if say Willow’s boyfriend did the same thing to her as I did to you.”
“And?”
“As an observer? I was grossly unfair to you.”
“Thank you,” he said on a sigh of relief.
“But—“
“Can you leave the ‘but’ out?” he asked, slightly pleading.
“Sorry. But, the thing is, I am in the situation and I’m not an observer. I think that maybe I was being too much in my head and not saying what it was that was I was feeling and I think that’s because I didn’t know what I was feeling. I feel . . . felt . . . numb.”
“Numb?”
“Yeah, I just – I don’t know when it happened or how or why it just . . . I was always on this path. I was going to go to law school, graduate, practice law, make partner at some huge firm in a few short years and then settle down and think about marriage and having a family of my own.”
“I upset your plans.”
“I didn’t plan on you, William,” she admitted softly. “You came out of nowhere and, Jesus, you ran me over.”
“I’m so sorry that I interrupted the perfect little life you had carved out for yourself, Buffy,” he said harshly.
“That’s not how I meant it Will. I didn’t mean it in bad way. Please understand that,” she begged him, “Please.”
He softened, taking a deep breath, “I know. Because you know, Buffy, you ran me over too. I sure as hell didn’t plan on you either. You know I was planning on not even hiring you that night I came over to see you for the first time.”
Her eyes widened in surprise, “Really? Why?”
“I thought if you were anything like you were in high school, it’d never work,” he admitted with a sheepish smile.
She chuckled lightly, “And I wouldn’t have blamed you at all.” She looked down, her expression solemn, “Though flaky Buffy then isn’t much different than flaky Buffy now is she?”
He shook his head, “I disagree. Flaky Buffy then was concerned about hair and makeup and socializing. Buffy now is concerned with life.”
“What I meant before about your first love . . . I meant that, she wanted her husband and you were convenient for her. You gave her attention and yeah, maybe she cared about you, but it sounded like she cared more of what you could do for her than you yourself. And that’s not how it is with me, William. I care about you the person. I care if you win a lawsuit. I care if you have a headache. I care if you’re sad and I care about hurting you –“
“So then why are you?” he whispered.
“This is going to sound weird—“
“Can’t wait then,” he said dryly.
“When I came up with the whole plan of going on a break, it was because I didn’t want to let you go. So yes, that was selfish of me. But I was also so worried about hurting you that I was trying to find this happy medium for both of us. I wanted to be able to spend time with you and still have time to figure my head—“
“No, Buffy, not your head, your heart.”
She nodded, “My heart too.”
“Seems to me you’re too much in your head.”
She contemplated that. “Yeah, you’re probably right. I take a problem and I analyze it, study it . . . and then blow it up and make it worse.”
William let out a bark of laughter, “Yeah, that’s true.”
“I’m sorry William. I’m sorry I hurt you. I was trying so hard not to,” she told him earnestly.
“I never saw us as a problem,” he murmured, “And you did.”
“Come on William. You felt it when I pulled away. I felt you pull away, you can’t fool me.”
“Yeah,” he said on a sigh, “You’re right.”
“Will, you have this . . . incredible passion—“
“For you. I have passion for you.”
She shook her head, “No, not just me. But your passion for me – my own passion for you, it was intense and heady and I couldn’t make sense of it—“
“Because you’re too much in your head, Buffy. Stop thinking so goddamned much!”
“I can’t help it! I wanted to be sure Will. I wanted to be the girl you wanted me to be.”
“Buffy,” he let out a sigh and shook his head, “Buffy, I don’t want you to be anyone but you. You think I have these expectations of you.” He broke off. “That’s it, isn’t it? You think that I want to push for things from you.”
“When I thought it was possible I could end up pregnant—“
“I wanted to do everything possible to make sure you finished school, Buffy. Did you think I would ban you to the kitchen, barefoot and pregnant?”
She looked down, feeling ashamed.
“Buffy, for God’s sake, you should know me a little bit better than that. When have I ever stopped you from your studies?”
She gave him a look.
He sighed, “Aside from when I’d make love to you. You know I never wanted to stop your studies. You know I only want you to succeed.”
“I know,” she said softly.
“That’s when this all started, wasn’t it?”
She nodded. “I thought you wanted me pregnant.”
He stared at her, studying her. “I’m not going to lie to you. I did. I wanted you to have my baby even if it was bad timing and all that rot. But I wanted to make it as comfortable for you as possible if you were. I would have hired a fucking tutor if that would have helped!”
“I wasn’t ready for that—“
“I know. It’s why I let it go.”
“Me too,” she murmured. “Maybe some talking should have been done on both sides a long time ago huh?” she mused.
He raked a hand through his hair. “Seems that way.”
They stood in silence for a bit before William cleared his throat, “I’m sorry again for my behavior on Saturday.”
“Were you checking up on me?”
“Yes. I was. I told myself I wasn’t, but I was.”
“I’m not Isabel.”
“I know that—“
“Then you should have trusted me.”
“If the tables were turned--?”
“I would be jealous, yes. Oh God yes, but I trust you Will.”
“Do you?”
She nodded, “Yes, I do.”
“It doesn’t feel like it.”
“But I do.”
“Having pieces of you,” he told her softly, “killed me.”
“I know,” she whispered. “I’m sorry. I was trying so hard not to hurt you and I did anyway.”
“I know, Buffy. Well, I know now anyway.” Silence, then, “So. Now what?”
“I leave it in your hands, Will.”
“Because you feel guilty?”
“No. Because I trust you.”
He studied her for a long time before speaking. “Then I think we should stay broken up.”
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