Her reaction to that meant everything and he waited, holding his breath, to see what she’d do. Her features fell from fierce determination – the determination to prove to him that she trusted him – to pain, and he thought –fight me Buffy, I want you to fight me on this! -- Then, nothing. Her face became void of emotion and he inwardly groaned. She wasn’t ready yet, not ready to fight for them just yet. Not ready to give herself over. Close though. And God, how had he not realized what the real issue was earlier?
“Okay,” she said briskly and started gathering her things once more.
“Kitten—“
Her head snapped up to him, “I don’t think you should call me that anymore.”
He cocked his head to the side, “Why not?”
“Because it’s a term of endearment and we are no longer together.”
He shook his head, rumbling out a light chuckle, “Oh Buffy, you’re still my kitten.” He studied her, “More like a cat with its claws extended right now, but—“
“I am not a cat,” she told him indignantly.
“Most certainly are. A wild cat. Especially in my bed—“
“William!”
“What?” he asked; all innocence.
“Since we’re broken up, I do not think we should be discussing such things.”
He grinned, “So prim and proper.”
She stared at him in disbelief. “Are you on medication?”
He barked a laugh, “No. Buffy, let me explain to you some things—“
“No, I think we’ve done enough talking—“
“Sit down, Buffy.”
“No, I—“
“Sit down,” he ordered her, more like commanded her.
She sat, looking both uncertain and maybe a little afraid. He’d never been that commanding with her before and it dawned on him that maybe he should have been.
“You seem quite happy all of sudden,” she said, bitterly.
He shook his head, “Not happy per se,” he said. Though I have a really good feeling about how this is all going to end; much better feeling than before, he thought. A bloody revelation he had in the midst of their talking. It hit him, square between the eyes, and everything clicked into place in an instant. Some might say he was crazy for thinking it, for believing it, but he knew. He knew.
She loved him. Oh, but she did. She just didn’t trust herself. She was afraid to let go, afraid to lose control and embrace what she felt. He remembered thinking how mature she was when he’d re-met her again. Remembered how in control and contained she was. She said she had passion for him and that combined with his passion it overwhelmed her and she couldn’t make sense of it. What she felt, she couldn’t contain. It frightened her. It made her run.
Buffy didn’t trust herself to let go and just feel. So, she set herself free. Free to be in the world she created around herself, with the walls she felt comfortable being surrounded by. She just didn’t realize that she’d only trapped herself, and with him, she could truly be free.
“Then?” she prompted.
Tread carefully, mate, he told himself. “Trust, Buffy. You say you trust me.”
“Well, I did.”
“Did?”
“Not so much anymore.”
“Because you expected a different answer than the one I gave.”
She didn’t say anything.
“I admire your valiant effort to prove to me you trust me—“
“Oh for the—“
“Listen to me,” he commanded again.
She slammed her mouth shut.
“The thing here Buffy is that you put it in my hands because you don’t want to have to make the decision. You want me to make it for you.”
She shook her head, “No—“
“Yes. And the thing is; you don’t realize you’re doing it. I’ve been listening to you tell me you don’t know how you feel; how you can’t make sense of anything. I think you know more than you realize but you’re not letting yourself feel it, Buffy. You’re all in your head. You think everything’s got to fit in this box, but . . . Buffy, love isn’t like that. Love doesn’t fit in a box.”
She looked at him as if he’d lost his mind. Who knew? He might have. He just had to make her see, but he couldn’t see by forcing her to see. She had to see it on her own and unfortunately, that meant being without him.
“You don’t trust yourself. And you still don’t trust me fully. But once you start to trust yourself to let go, you will see that I’m here and that I’m not going anywhere.”
She blinked at him. “I don’t trust me?”
He leaned over the desk, palms flat on the desk. “But I trust you.” He wasn’t about to tell her that he was scared, but he felt it in his gut it was what he had to do. If he didn’t set her free to figure this out on her own – without him there to appease her when she had need of him – then they’d be in the same place a week, a month, two months later. It would just continue and continue and he could not do it. He could not stand to be in limbo like that, he could not stand to watch her not be sure of him, of her – of them.
He had faith though. Felt it in his gut that once she let herself let go, that’d be it. She’d be his. Completely. He had to give his own self up to his professional training as a lawyer. It wasn’t knowledge an attorney relied on solely, but gut feeling as well. So, he had to give himself over to it. Let his gut lead him. He’d felt it in his gut that Buffy was the One for him and he still felt that.
Please, he pleaded, please don’t fail me now.
“What does that mean?” she whispered. “You trust me.”
“That means that I want you, Buffy. I love you and that’s never going to change. But I don’t want part of you; I don’t want just a little and then nothing at all. And,” he stood up, taking a deep breath, taking a leap of faith,” And, when you’ve figured it out – and I know you will, baby – then I’ll be here.”
“I don’t know what you mean, I –“ she shook her head in frustration.
“You will.”
“And you’ll be there?”
“I’m still here, Buffy. I haven’t gone. But I can’t help you with this part. You have to do it on your own. You were absolutely right about that.”
“You do realize I think you’re crazy, right?”
He laughed, “Yeah, and who knows, I just might be. Time will tell I guess.” He stared at her, staring at him. He wanted nothing more than to just wrap her up in his arms and tell her what he was thinking, but she was the one that needed to figure it out. It was imperative to them, to their future, that she figure it out. And he knew she would.
She had to.
She swallowed, “Can I go home now?”
He smiled, “Yes, kitten, you can go home now. Which, by the way, thanks for walking out on me yesterday.”
She stood and slung her purse quickly on her shoulder and grabbed her things. He suppressed a chuckle. His poor girl was done with this conversation and was afraid of more to come.
She looked at him pointedly. “Well, with my mother and her . . . you know.”
“Matchmaking?”
“Yeah, that.”
“She can be a wolf in sheep’s clothing, you know that?”
She snorted. “You don’t know the half of it.”
“Oh?”
She skirted around the desk and gave him a funny look. “You do realize this is weird?”
“What’s weird?”
“This,” she gestured between them, “us. Talking like nothing happened.”
He shrugged, jamming his hands in his pockets. “I don’t hate you, kitten. I’m not even angry with you anymore.”
“Then what are you?”
“Part of me is scared as hell, but not because I don’t trust you –“
“Yeah, I got that memo about you trusting me. I’m still not sure what it means—“
“You will.”
“So, why are you scared then if not because of that?”
“The time it’ll take. I miss you, baby.”
“You’re slightly freaking me out; you do know that, right?”
He grinned wolfishly, “Like to keep you on your toes. Get used to it.”
“Well, since we’re broken up, probably not,” she said sarcastically.
“You’ll see,” he said and grinned.
He walked out with her and he could tell that was pondering all he’d said and what it all meant. When they made it outside, she turned to him slightly and said goodbye. Unable to resist, he reached out and grabbed her, pulling her to him and kissing her passionately.
“Just a little something to remember me by,” he whispered and released her. She looked completely dazed and he smiled, tucking some hair behind her ear. “See you tomorrow,” he whispered and walked away.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! Again. LOL