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Author's Chapter Notes:
Okay, sorry I couldn't get this up sooner, few things came up earlier.

Okay, once again, there's only one scene of actual spuffy, but it takes a big leap into where the plot is heading. Speaking of which, the next chapter (which can be up as early as tomorrow) is where we will find out about Spike's strength and where he fits in. So, review and I'll get that up ASAP. :)

And someone asked if Buffy is friends with Willow and Xander in this story. As of now, she hasn't ever talked to them, not really. But they will become friends soon.

Thanks for reading!
Her hand stilled once more as she tried to build the courage to do what she came to do.

It really shouldn’t have been this hard.

But she kept thinking that he would blame her just like everyone else would.

“Come on,” she mumbled to herself. “Just go in there, don’t be jumpy, and don’t ramble.”

Finally, she reached forward and grabbed the door handle, pulled it toward her and walked in. She let it shut softly, not wanting to disturb him if he was sleeping.

When she turned, however, she was greeted with the surprised, but welcoming eyes of Xander Harris. Buffy smiled in relief, glad he wasn’t glaring at her like everyone else. She briefly took in the sight of his hospital room, the amount of sunshine, the television that was playing.

“Well, if anyone had ever told me that Buffy Summers would not only be in the same room as me, but by my bed, I would’ve told them how crazy they were.” He smiled, and she returned it, sitting down in the chair next to the hospital bed.

“Hey, Xander,” she said softly. “How are you?”

“Surprisingly well. I always wondered what it was like to be shot. Of course in the movies, they always make it seem really sexy,” he said jokingly.

“Was it?” She asked, the light conversation being a relief to her emotions.

“Sexy? Pfft,” he mumbled and rolled his eyes with good humor. “I was more thinking painful.”

They both shared a small laugh, and Buffy was glad that they easily settled into conversation with a guy that she hadn’t ever taken the time to talk to.

After the moment sobered, she took a deep breath and released it. “I am sorry,” she said finally, and he looked confused.

“Huh? About what?”

“That guy-”

“Warren Meers?” She had never actually known the shooter’s name.

“Yeah,” Buffy said uneasily. “When...I saw him raise the gun...I had time to stop him, I-”

“Okay, Buffy,” he said, immediately cutting her off. “You can blame yourself eight ways from next Tuesday, and it still won’t be your fault. You’re not the one who brought the gun to school. You’re not the one who shot me. And, Buffy...” He hesitated for a moment. “I heard about Faith. You didn’t do that either. What you did do was save a life.”

She laughed a little bitterly, though she had nothing against Xander.

“I saved a killer,” she corrected him, and he sighed.

“Buffy, if anyone should have a grudge against him, it’s me. And I don’t. Look, the kid had issues. He hasn’t had the best life, and I’m sure he’s feeling guilty. He didn’t deserve to die.” He paused, giving her a small smile. “You did the right thing.”

“Thank you,” she said softly, smiling before looking down at the floor.

“Buffy?”

“Yeah?”

“Don’t feel guilty about this,” he told her, causing her to look up. “We..I know that you’re different from other people. It’s not hard to see when someone like you steps up to save the day over and over again. What happened wasn’t your fault,” he assured her.

She nodded her head. “I know,” she admitted softly. “I just like to think that there was something I could have done.”

“The ‘what ifs’ will kill you, Buffy. Gotta let it go.”

“I know,” she repeated with a soft smile. “Thank you. If there’s anything I can do...”

“Actually, there is,” he told her, looking a little uneasy. When she stayed silent, allowing him to continue, he did so. “My best friend, Willow...”

“Willow Rosenberg? Red hair?”

“Yeah,” he said with a soft smile. “She...I know this has got to be hard on her. She came to visit me the first day. But it just about killed her, and she hasn’t been back since. She called the other day. But I just want to make sure she’s okay. Could you just talk to her? Make sure she knows that I’ll see her the second I’m out of here? Watch over her?”

Buffy smiled and nodded slightly. “Of course.”

-----

This was certainly the day for bravery.

And she didn’t know how she felt about the visit she was about to make.

Angry, sad, guilty, confused...

She didn’t think simple words like those would sum up the chaotic emotions swimming through her mind.

She told the man at the front who she was there to see, and he gave her a strange look. He had even asked her if she was sure. Of course, she wasn’t sure. But she had simply nodded her head.

Now here she was, standing in front of the cell of Warren Meers.

The man who had haunted her guilt-filled mind since the shooting.

“If you’re here to tell me what a screw-up I am, my parents have beat you to it,” he said flatly before finally looking up at her.

She kept a blank face and ever so slightly shook her head.

Suddenly, realization dawned on his features. “You,” he said, standing up. “You...”

“Stopped you from killing yourself,” she said with the slightest trace of bitter in her tone. “Unfortunately I couldn’t stop you sooner.”

He looked down, and Buffy made herself calm down some. He looked guilty.

That was a start.

“It’s not something I wanted to happen,” he said finally. Buffy thought of a thousand ways to reply to that, but kept her mouth shut. “My dad had been all over me that morning. He was usually passed out before I went to school. But he was still up and just...he just kept saying things. He has this gun at home. He uses it a lot, to scare me, you know? I don’t get scared. I know he won’t do anything. And sometimes I just never cared one way or the other.”

He stopped for a moment, and Buffy wasn’t sure if he was going to continue. “I’m listening,” she said, her voice holding as much compassion as she could muster. Though it took all she had to not just walk away.

“He got out the gun, like he always does. Started waving it around, making a big fuss. And then he started to pass out I guess. Whatever it was, he was getting tired, weak...enough for me to take the gun. Mom was actually home; she hardly every is. She’s an alcoholic, too. But she...it’s not like he is. Mom tries.”

“She tries so hard that she kept you in a house with an insane father?” Buffy asked before she could stop herself.

“Hey, she did try, alright? You’re strong, so maybe it’s hard for you to understand what it feels like to be helpless and weak. She felt that everyday.” He stopped, trying to get control of his own temper. “I took the gun with me, so he wouldn’t hurt Mom. I’d done it before. But while I was at my locker, this jackass that comes by my locker every morning came by again. I don’t...I don’t know what happened. One minute, we were just yelling, like always. The next...I had the gun out...and...”

“So why did you aim for Xander?” Her tone wasn’t cold or accusing, but she was really trying to be understanding.

“I don’t know,” he said honestly. “I wasn’t aiming for everyone. I was just...so tired. And before I knew it, I’d shot at him. And then I panicked. And Faith was just coming toward me, and I don’t...I didn’t think...I just freaked out and pulled the trigger.”

Buffy stared at him for a long time before nodding. “You realized...you killed a girl, Warren.”

“I know,” he replied, staring hard at a spot on the floor as he leaned against the bars. “My lawyer was just here. He said I should plead innocent on grounds of temporary insanity.” He paused, watching her reaction, but she kept her face blank. “I’m pleading guilty,” he finally said. “I know what I did...I need...I want to pay for it.”

Buffy just nodded, not trusting herself to say much of anything right now. “Why did you come here today?” He asked suddenly.

She sighed, looking down at the ground. “I don’t know. I guess I just felt...it’s kind of like closure for me, I guess.”

“What exactly are you looking for closure on?”

“My guilt,” she told him. “I blamed myself for what happened. Me visiting you was a way to tell myself that I wasn’t...” She trailed off.

“That you weren’t the monster,” he finished for her, smiling sadly to let her know that he didn’t take offense to it. He knew what he’d done.

“Yeah.” She sighed once more, and then turned away, slowly walking down the row of cells.

“Buffy?” She turned around upon hearing her name, and raised her eyebrow in his direction. His brave front was down now, tears were building in his eyes, and he looked completely lost. “They want to charge me as an adult,” he told her. “If...If I don’t get the death penalty,” he faltered on the words, and she figured the chance of death was the cause for his fear. “...if I don’t...I’ll probably get life in prison...or some long term. Would you...” He trailed off for a moment. “Would you come and visit me sometimes?” He asked, and she realized how small he looked, staring at her as if his fate lay in her hands. “I know...it’s not what I deserve. And you don’t have to. But...”

She stayed silent and still for a while before finally nodding her head softly. A soft smile appeared on his face and he looked down, nodding his own head.

With a blank gaze, she turned from him and left.

-----

She was glad today was a Saturday. Because with all the visits she was making, she was going to need a long night’s sleep.

She knocked on the door, and jumped slightly in surprise when it was immediately opened and Spike’s mother, Anne, appeared in the doorway. She smiled sweetly and then looked as if she was trying to remember who the blonde was.

“Wait...Oh, Buffy Summers, right?” She smiled a kind smile which Buffy returned. “I remember you. We met a few times, school functions and whatnot. How’s your mother, Joyce?”

“She’s doing well, thank you,” Buffy replied. “And yourself?”

“Just trying to make it through the day,” she answered with a laugh. “I was just on my way out the door to the hospital,” she explained. “Will is up in his room, if you’d like to see him.”

“Thank you.”

“You know...I really should thank you,” Anne replied. “He’s taking...all of this really hard. Especially after what happened with that girl, Drusilla. I know that you and my son never really got along. But it means a lot to me that you’re here to talk to him.”

Buffy smiled a little. “He’s a good guy,” Buffy replied. “I just want to help out.”

“Well, thank you so much,” she repeated, then walked past Buffy to get to her car. “I’ve got to go before I’m late. Good-bye, Buffy!”

“Bye,” Buffy said with a smile, and then with a sigh, turned to walk inside and face her biggest enemy of the day.

-----

“Spike?” She called softly as she knocked on his door. It wasn’t completely shut, so it slowly slid open to reveal Spike sitting on his bed, headphones on. She stood there for a moment before he realized she was there and turned them off.

“Buffy?”

“Sorry, your mom said I could come up.”

He glared at her, then said flatly, “I’ll have to talk to her about that, I guess.”

“What’s your deal?”

“Wh-”

“Don’t. You know, I’m trying to be all with the helpfulness here and was seeing if there was anything I could do for you. And then you, Mr. I’m Too Good to Be Polite, you have to get grouchy the second I-”

“You let her die,” he said simply.

“Damn it, would you stop!” They both seemed a little stunned by how much force was behind her yell, making the silence seem all the more quiet. “I didn’t kill her,” she said softly. “It wasn’t my gun. It wasn’t...it’s not my responsibility to see the future and know every time some maniac brings a gun to school. So back off.”

He stared at her for a long time, his hard glare still in place. But suddenly, it melted and he let out a deep sigh. “Bloody...I know that,” he said, expelling another breath. “I don’t...it’s not your fault.”

Where was this coming from? According to him, it had always been her fault before...

“Wait...I think I just heard you say-”

“Yeah, what of it? Don’t read into it or anything. I’ve been able to do some thinking. He had a gun. Even if you had reacted right away, he would have shot you down. There’s nothing...” He trailed off, looking to the ceiling and taking a deep breath. God this was hard. He’d been blaming her for so long. “You did the right thing...saving his life and all.”

She stared at him, eyebrow raised. After a long silence, she dared to venture further. “What about Dru?”

“You did what you thought you had to,” he said with a clenched jaw. Realizing how hard this was for him, she decided to back off some.

“Is there anything you need?”

“My own bloody gun to put to my own bloody head?”

“Spike-”

“Yeah, yeah. I know. Kidding, Summers. But maybe you should just...leave,” he said, but without any venom in his voice this time. “This is just too strange. Things...ever since we...”

“I know,” she said softly. “I’m not trying to make this harder. I just...”

“Yeah, I know. I don’t particularly like you, but I don’t...I know it was never your fault. But just because we shagged doesn’t mean things between us are going to get all butterflies and roses. This is as far as we go. Alright?”

She nodded slightly. “Yeah. I know.” She turned to walk out the door, but looked toward him once more. “Spike...thanks. For today. In the cafeteria and with Tommy. I just...Thanks.” Nodding, she turned and walked out.

And as he wondered why there was still a storm of raging emotions inside him, he looked toward his empty doorway. “You’re welcome,” he whispered to the empty air.





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