Chapter 21: Loss
Buffy delayed just long enough for her brothers to pull away before she raised her trembling hand and knocked tentatively on the door. She didn’t breath, didn’t dare move while she listened hopefully for any sound. When footsteps began their approach her heart raced, swelling with an initial flicker of optimism.
“Miss Summers?” Giles smiled warmly just before concern overwhelmed his features. “Dear lord, what ever is the matter?”
“I- Is Spike home Mr. Giles?” Buffy managed to calm her nerves and steady her voice before speaking.
“Oh… ah…yes. Is there not practice today? William had already arrived when I …” He trailed off; eyes fixed upon Buffy’s tear stained face. “Forgive me if this is none of my business, but you seem rather upset and I…”
“C-Can I just see Spike please.” Buffy burnt crimson with shame. “I didn’t mean to be rude I just…”
“My fault…please don’t think another thing of it… come right in. I believe William is in his room.” Giles moved aside gesturing for Buffy to enter, deliberately placing a comforting smile over his grim expression.
“Thank you.” Buffy forced a complimentary smile in return and then turned away to venture to Spike’s second story abode.
She rapped lightly on the door, knees threatening to give way.
Nothing.
Buffy let a shuddering breath out slowly before leaning in with her weight, opening the door without another thought.
“Spike?”
Her eye’s scanned his room missing him in the first sweep, only to catch glimpse of his crumpled form peeking over the far edge of the bed on second glace.
“Spike?” Buffy moved gradually across the room, drawing in long pulls of air to still the dizziness that had crept up on her.
When she was mere feet away she ceased her progress, frozen from the sound of wrecked sobs escaping the quaking figure before her.
Spike’s head jarred, his eyes catching hers.
“You shouldn’t be here.” His voice was unfamiliar, gone were the confident drawl and cocky undertone. Leaving nothing but vulnerability and iciness that terrified Buffy to her core.
“Spike…I…”
“Get out of here.”
The conviction caused Buffy to collapse onto the floor before him, a minute howl of despair tearing from her lungs.
“No! You don’t mean that.” She was hyperventilating. “Whatever you heard, I can explain…. I swear I didn’t do anything I…”
“Buffy…” Tears ran down his swollen flesh. “Stop please… “
“NO! You need to understand that I…”
“No YOU need to understand!” Spike shot to his feet anger and misery fuelling him. He seized Buffy by the shoulders shaking her. “This is NOT about you for once! You didn’t do anything wrong!”
“Then what… what’s going on?” Her entire body was wracked with tremors and tears.
He released her, hands hanging limply at his sides.
“We just… we can’t.”
~~
Giles slipped into his room careful not to make a sound, not that anyone would have noticed at that very moment.
He removed his glasses from his worried face and began massaging them between the gathered fabrics of his sweater as he listened to the dramatics unfold in the next room over.
It wasn’t like him to eavesdrop but something told him that this was different, that his son was in trouble and he couldn’t turn away. Not now, not ever.
So he listened.
~~
“What? I don’t except that.” She cried. “You can’t just decide one day that you don’t want me anymore and toss me aside with no explanation!”
“That’s not how it is.” Spike avoided eye contact completely, tears still steadily flowing from his anguished orbs.
“Then tell me how it is.” She answered firmly.
“I can’t.”
A tiny fist shot out, connecting with his torso causing stunned and tortured eyes to snap up.
“God damn-it Buffy!” Rage flashed across his face.
“TELL ME!”
“NO!”
She began beating at his chest, arms flailing in desperation.
“I hate you! I hate you!” She wailed.
“Then hate me.” He took the abuse wholeheartedly.
“If you don’t tell me…” She was bawling now. “Then I’m going to assume you think I’m a disgusting whore and can’t stand the SIGHT of me!”
“Bloody hell you stubborn bint!” He snatched up her thrashing hands, stilling their violence.
“TELL ME!” She shrieked.
“YOU deserve better than me OK!” It tore from Spike’s lips.
Buffy pulled out of his grasp.
“You selfish bastard. You think you can decide what is or ISN’T good enough for ME!” She began backing towards the door.
“Look…you don’t know…”
“Then TELL me!”
“You are wearing on me LAST bloody nerve here. I have NOTHING for you. Do you hear me. NOTHING!
“You’re a COWARD! You can’t even tell me what’s really going on! You’re WEAK!”
The air was torn from Spike’s lungs.
‘You have no idea.’ He thought.
“Get out.” His voice was cold and detached.
“No.”
“Right then… have it your way.” Spike brushed past her shivering frame in an instant and was gone.
Buffy blinked away the fresh tears collecting behind her lashes. She remained motionless for a lengthy stretch of time, wallowing. She ultimately collected herself the best she could and ventured downstairs.
As she entered the foyer she paused only to be gathered up in consoling arms.
Giles held her tight, not a word was uttered.
She noted that it should have felt awkward, but somehow didn’t. Finally she broke the silence.
“I- I need to use the phone.” Her whisper was scratchy and strained.
“Of course dear.” Giles led her into the study, giving her a reassuring pat on the back before exiting.
His heart hurt for the young girl, and for his son. Not since he lost his wife had he bared witness to such heartache.
“Thank you.” Buffy’s tiny voice made its way to Rupert’s ear.
He turned around to see that she had already finished and had made her way to the front door.
“You’re welcome.” He said with all sincerity. “If you ever need anything…”
“Thanks.” With that Buffy slipped around the timber, leaving Giles alone.
~~
“Is it just me or do you look worse squirt?” An air of sheer concern was written on Angel’s face as they drove. “What happened?”
No answer.
“What happened Buffy?”
“He broke up with me.” Her voice was broken and defeated.
“What? Are you sure?”
“Yeah Angel… I’m pretty sure.” Tears escaped down her face again.
“God I’m going to kill him… he’s off the team, you don’t have to worry about that and next time I see him I’m…”
“STOP!” Her cry cut through the air.
Angel hit the brakes, immediately pulling the car over. He turned in his seat, gaze settling on his shivering sister. He took her into his arms, sobs instantly breaking out onto his chest.
“I’m sorry. Shhhhhhh.” His own eyes began to glisten.
“Please don’t do anything… I- I just want to forget about it, but don’t…”
“I was just angry… you don’t have to worry.” Angel stroked her hair in a soothing motion. “Doesn’t mean I’ll like him, but I won’t hurt him.” Angel chuckled softly.
“I think I’m going to quit the team.” It spilled from Buffy’s lips as fast as she thought it.
“What? No! Buffy I know you’re upset, but if you don’t want me to kick his ass then you better keep training. I don’t mean to threaten… actually yeah I do. You can’t let him change you!” Angel fumed.
Buffy had no intention of letting the incident with Rayne out and as much as she wanted to crawl into a dark corner she couldn’t do that to her brothers.
“Fine. I’ll stay.” She allowed a waning smile to flash briefly.
“Good.” Angel twisted the key, pulling off towards their home once more.
“Buffy?” Angel began after a few silent minutes. “I know it doesn’t count because I’m your big brother, but… any guy that can’t see how amazing you are is an idiot.” He never took his eyes from the road.
Buffy made no reply just nodded, gazing out the window.
Another phase of silence passed.
“You sure I can’t hurt him a little?” Angel begged, trying to lighten the mood.
“No.”
“Maybe bench him for a couple games?”
“No.” The faintest hint of a smile graced her lips.
“I know this guy…”
“No!” She let out a tiny snort.
“Fine, fine! Don’t say I didn’t try to help.” Angel added as they pulled into the drive.
After making their way into the house Buffy reached out, grabbing Angel’s sleeve before he disappeared to the basement.
“You did help.” With that she leaned up, kissed his cheek and hurried upstairs.
~
A/N: OK... PLEASE do not hate me... i know the conversation didn't go well... but after how he acted before you can hardly expect him to be all peachy keen! *ducks thrown objects* Stick with me and you wont regret it. Oh... and i can handle it.... let me know what you think....
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