PULSE 11
By Mercy
A/N: This is a very angsty chapter and since it’s been a while since I posted, may I suggest that you might enjoy re reading this fic…or you may get lost as it refers back to previous chapters. Very yummy smutty chapters…
My thanks to my beta readers Karbear57 , Meli_77 and slackerace as always I am in their debt for all their time and amazing effort that they put into helping me. Thank you.
Bittersweet Misery
Buffy sat on her sofa in her apartment with her legs curled against her body. She’d been looking blankly at the television screen for about the last ten minutes. Thoughts of disappointment and failure surged through her mind, making it impossible to concentrate on the reality of the outside world. Buffy wanted nothing more than to shed these notions and feelings as she continued to emotionally put herself down. She knew that it wasn’t going to get her anywhere by dissecting what happened the other night between herself and Spike.
That night two weeks ago when she’d made one of the biggest mistakes of her life.
Well, one of three of the biggest mistakes. The first was obvious tying Spike to the bed to use and humiliate him.
The second was in impaling herself with so much self-loathing that she had almost drowned. All Buffy did in the end was give all her power of self over to Spike and watch him take no real responsibility in what had happened. Buffy had implored for forgiveness from him, when the real person that needed forgiveness that night was from herself.
The third mistake had been in her desperation to try to retrieve something from last night. She vaguely remembered asking Spike to try to let them salvage something of the tragedy that had become their relationship. A slight shudder past through her as Buffy concluded that had their positions had been reversed; she doubted that she’d be interested in saving anything. Even considering the thought that Spike might be interested in trying to save something was ludicrous.
Her mind snapped back out of the self-hate session and flipped to the present as a scream pierced the air. It took Buffy a few seconds to realize that it had come from the television and not from her own mouth. Shaking her head, Buffy looked at the clock that was perched on the wall above the television set.
11.38 PM
Taking a deep breath, Buffy grabbed the remote switching the television off as she got up off the sofa and headed towards her bedroom. Maybe sleep would bring her some relief from the hellhole that she’d created around herself. Sleep would give some relief from the dejection Buffy felt as she’d plunge herself into its oblivion of dreams and shadows --- snap out of it! --- Buffy’s mind screamed at herself.
Dragging her pyjamas on, she slid between the cotton sheets and pulled the covers up to her chin. With a sigh, Buffy tried to relax as her mind filled with the memories of repercussions and shadows of self-doubt. However, somewhere in the deep recesses of her mind flashed the reminiscences of burning passion and desire that they’d shared. Caresses and kisses that had scorched her skin and made her wither in abandonment that cruel and fateful night two weeks ago.
Conflict became the dominating feeling, she wanted to forget and move from where she was at the current time. Yet something deep within did not want to let him go, even after everything that had happened. Buffy did not want to let go. Nevertheless, did they have something worth struggling for? That was something that she needed to decide and to do that, Buffy needed to do something that she dreaded down to the marrow in her bones.
Buffy needed to face Spike.
~~~~~~~~~~~*****************~~~~~~~~~~~
Spike sat on the barstool, tapping his finger against the small glass that held the straight Jack Daniels he just ordered from the barman. He looked deep into the amber liquid contemplating what a bloody mess his life had become and Spike wondered what she was doing at this very moment in time.
Sighing, he grabbed the glass and threw its contents down the back of his throat, slightly shaking his head as the burning sensation poured downwards and embraced his throat. Slamming the glass down, he swallowed the liquid down hard as Spike allowed himself the gratification of the warmth it gave inside his body. Licking his lips, Spike lifted the glass of the table and getting the barman’s attention with an “Another.”
Spike knew that getting blind drunk wasn’t going to change anything, but at least it gave him a few hours away from these empty feeling. It let him have a fleeting moment of being found in the sea of loss that he’d been experiencing since Buffy had last spoken to him. A haven from the outside world and the reality that he’d well and truly fucked.
His attention drew suddenly away from the empty glass as an open packet of cigarettes was placed in front of him. Making Spike look up at the pretty blonde that offered them to him, she softly smiled as she motioned for him to take one. All he could do was weakly smile at her as she stood behind him. Spike opened his mouth ready to thank her for her offer and not to waste her time on the likes of him, but something made him hesitate.
Something made him stop.
A vision of Buffy flashed passed his eyes as he realised that he’d had enough of everything and maybe the company of another woman might make his pain dull a little. Making his mind up, Spike motioned for the blonde to sit down to him in the next stool. He took one of the cigarettes that she offered and pulled out his Zippo, deeply inhaling oxygen laced with cigarette smoke as Spike lit it.
“Thanks,” the woman nodded her head in appreciation as she sat down. Taking her packet of cigarettes back she took one out herself and lit it up. “Ashley,” she continued as she put her hand out in greeting, “my friends call me Ash.”
“Spike,” he grasped her hand squeezing it gently as he shook it. “Thanks for the smoke.”
“You’re welcome,” Ashley beamed at Spike an even broader smile than before. She asked the barman for a drink with one of those strange and weird names that Spike could only assume was a fancy mixer drink. “You are here by yourself?”
“Yeap,” the barman had by now replaced the empty glass with another filled with more amber fluid and placed a tall glass and bottle in front of his companion. “All by my lonesome.”
“So are you?”
“What?” Spike looked at her with his eyelid raised in question.
“All by your lonesome?” Ashley lifted herself closer to him as she leaned into the bar. “Don’t want to be treading on someone else territory.”
“Not treading on any body’s territory, pet.” Spike spoke with his voice laced with regret and hurt. “Just littl’ old me. All alone in this world.”
“Doesn’t sound like you mean that,” Ashley placed a finger on his arm as she ran it up and down along the sleave of the leather duster that he wore. “Sounds like she’s still crawling around inside you somewhere.”
“Pardon?” Spike looked bewildered at the woman that sat next to him.
“You don’t sound convincing enough when you say that you’re a single man,” Ashley took a sip of her drink. “No conviction in your voice. I can hear her clawing away at your sides.”
“You sure do talk in riddles,” Spike shook his head and almost whispered. “Why can’t you bloody women just say what you mean.”
“See, my point exactly,” Ashley took a deep breath in as she took a drag of her cigarette. “Someone’s got you all tied up inside so much that you don’t sound convinced about yourself when you say you’re single. Comes through in you’re tone and body language.”
“You a shrink or what?” Spike really wasn’t up to being analysed tonight. He just wanted to leave everything that had haunted his life up to this night alone for a quiet moment in time.
“Nope, just a girl looking for a night out,” Ashley looked over her drink. “That’s all.”
“Who says that I ain’t either,” Spike raised an eyebrow as he felt himself head into dangerous waters.
He knew that the alcohol that he’d consumed had numbed some of the pain and was making him throw caution to the wind. Disjointedly, Spike started remembering what Buffy had done to him and all the pain and shame he’d been feeling about what he’d done to her. Spike should have been enjoying the beautiful woman’s company that sat beside of him but he just couldn’t. As somewhere deep inside of him the need for another burned deeply. --- Bugger it! --- Why was he feeling this way when they weren’t even a bloody couple?
‘Even a couple’...
Spike rubbed his forehead as if a bolt of pain speared through his brain, he swallowed hard against the bile that rushed up from his stomach. Things that Buffy had said to him in the last few days started to make sense to him. Spike found he had some insight to her predicament and understanding in her inability to rationalise why she’d wickedly tied him to his bed and fucked the living daylights out of him made some inexplicitly stupid sense.
FLASHBACK
“I still want to know you. Be with you.” Buffy had said to him one time after they’d fucked.
“Then understand this Buffy, I will be demanding and possessive of you. If you give yourself to me Buffy, I want it all. All or nothing, or you might as well get dressed and leave.” Spike had demanded from her…all or nothing.
END OF FLASH
“All or nothing.”
It all made sense, he’d laid it all out for Buffy at the beginning, what he’d expect from her and had never given anything back that he had demanded from her. Bloody hell he had never even tried to return any of the emotional passion that she had offered him every time they’d been together. Too much of a fucking blind git to see the gift that she had presented to him with every kiss and every caress.
All he had seen had been the beautiful body that trembled when he touched her and the way Buffy had given him the most pleasure that a woman ever had in his life. Spike had missed every other bloody thing she had ever offered him and had treated her with what some would say was contempt.
What a fool he’d been and what made it worse was the fact that he still wanted everything that Buffy had to give him. Every morsel she offered him, Spike now craved with every cell in his body. Spike would need some major attitude adjustment; he knew that and hoped that it would be enough to help heal the rift between them.
Spike still wanted Buffy. Nevertheless, the thing that really mattered was would Buffy want him after all that he’d put her through? Could they take back the hurt and pain to start again? Build something from the rubble that they’d created around them.
Could they?
“Hey Spike,” Ashley clicked her fingers in front of his eyes as he looked like he was a million miles away. “Space Control to space cadet. Calling space cadet.”
“Oui!” Spike’s brows furred together in irritation at being interrupted while deeply in thought as he shook his head a few times. “Sorry.”
“So, you’re just looking for some fun?” Ashley turned her head slightly so that her hair flicked back. “Maybe we could hook up?”
“Sorry, pet,” Spike picked up the drink in front of him and threw it down his throat. Looking up behind the bar, he noticed a clock and read the time. 11:38 PM. “Got to go and see about a girl.”
“So, you’re not all by your lonesome?” Ashley pouted and sized him up as she stared up and down his body. ”Pity, such a waste.”
“I’m sorry to skip out, pet,” Spike nodded to the young lady. “Hope you find yourself a good bloke.”
“For what it’s worth, good luck,” Ashley looked down at her drink. “Hope she’s worth it. If it doesn’t work out, you know where littl’ me is.”
Spike pulled out a few bills and threw it on the bar, nodding towards the barman, Spike pointed to their respective glasses. “Keep the change.” Looking at the woman next to him he asked, “I know she’s worth it. But am I?”
“If she doesn’t come around, you know where I am,” Ashley smiled at him.
“Thanks,” Spike stood up and walked out to the front door of the bar pulling it open, as he left with a gust of wind behind him.
Spike had now no other intention but to find Buffy and doing something about this miserable excuse of a fucking mess that they had pushed themselves into. He now only realised stupidly after the bloody chaos, just how much Buffy meant to him. Spike had been too wrapped up in himself to see it; he now saw what they had together with such clear clarity.
With such clarity, that he could have wept with the fact that they could have thrown it away. Maybe they do have a chance, just maybe. Spike wouldn’t know until he saw Buffy and that fact became the only one that his mind could comprehend.
Spike needed to face Buffy.
~~~~~~~~~~@@@@@@@@@@~~~~~~~~~~@@@@@@@@@@~~~~~~~~~~
Sighing, Buffy took the keys out of the ignition with a sense of loss. Her plans were thwarted. Spike hadn’t been at his home, Buffy surrendered to the fact that tonight there wouldn’t be a reckoning and slammed the door shut in frustration as she got out of the car. Buffy quickly walked towards the front door to her apartment building, looking downwards she never noticed the solitary figure sitting on the stairs with a lit cigarette in their hand.
“Buffy,” she snapped her head up to find Spike addressing her, here in front of her home. Flicking the butt forward onto the street, Spike stood pushing his hands into the leather duster that lay draped over his body. “You’re out late, Love.”
“Spike...what are you doing here?” Buffy stumbled on her words, flabbergasted that he was standing in front of her.
“Came to talk,” Spike mouth formed something between a slight smile and an awkward disfiguration of his face. “Been out tonight?” Spike enquired.
“No...No,” Buffy’s forehead furrowed in confusion, she still couldn’t believe that he’d been sitting waiting for her on the front step. --- Why? --- was the question that immediately came to mind. “Not out tonight.”
“Rather late for ‘not going out’?” Spike titled his head slightly. “Just got home from work?”
“No,” Buffy shook her head; she felt her throat close over as she shivered slightly against the shock of him being in front of her. “What are you doing here Spike?”
“Already told you that, Love.” Spike moved closer to where Buffy stood. “Here to have a little natter with you. I’m hoping that we could really talk, Love.”
“I thought that you’d said everything that you wanted to say.” Buffy felt herself turned inside out as her resolve to talk to him evaporate right in front of her.
“I think that I said everything that I shouldn’t have said to you, Buffy.” Spike stared at her with such a sad look in his eyes. “Things said in the heat of the moment.”
“What?” Buffy stopped breathing.
“What a fucking git I am,” Spike looked down at his feet, “And a selfish bastard to boot.”
“I don’t understand.” Buffy couldn’t help but wipe a tear from her face as she heard the tenderness in his voice. Her insides felt like they were being torn into two, a part of her wanted to jump for joy in Spike’s self-recrimination and wrap itself around him. The other half wanted to rejoice in this admission and tear him apart from the inside out. “What are you saying?”
“Can we discuss this elsewhere, Buffy?” Spike pointed towards a few windows where the curtains were pulled aside. “Could we go up to you’re apartment?”
“Ummm…” Buffy couldn’t find the words.
“If you’re uncomfortable maybe we could go to the diner down the road,” Spike pointed down the road. “You know the one. Where we…”
“I know the one, Spike,” Buffy quickly replied as she hesitated to remember the delicious memories of what they did behind the diner one hot and balmy night.
“Where we ate lunch that one time together, Buffy.” Spike shook his head slightly. “That’s all I was going to say, Love.”
“I’m sorry,” Buffy looked away from him.
“I think that I’ve heard enough of ‘sorry’ from you Buffy,” Spike took her hand in his as held it tightly in his palm as it quivered. “Maybe it’s time I said it to you for a change. But, not here.”
“No, I don’t want to go to my apartment,” Buffy didn’t know if she could handle having him on her home turf. It would mean that his being there would be on her terms and doubted that she was ready for the feelings of familiarity of her ex-lover being in her home. “And I don’t want to go to the diner.”
“Oh,” Spike looked awkwardly at her, as he perceived this as a rejection at his suggestion at their talking together. “Right then. I’ll be off then.”
It took a few seconds for Buffy to realise that he’d walked past her and was making his way towards his car. Buffy shook her head a few times to clear her thoughts, clearing all the indecisive thoughts from her mind. She turned and quickly made her way to where he now stood with his door open on the driver’s side. Standing in front of the open door and using it like a pseudo shield to protect herself, Buffy took a deep breath.
“Wait,” Buffy asked of him, “It didn’t come out right. I mean that I want to go somewhere else. Somewhere that there hasn’t been an ‘us’ to make things harder to deal with.”
“Where then?” Spike swallowed hard in relief that she hadn’t dismissed the notion of talking or worse rejecting him. “Anywhere you want to go, Buffy?”
“It’s late,” Buffy looked at her watch. “There isn’t really anywhere to go.”
“We’ll find somewhere, Buffy.” Spike lifted his hand away from the door and pushed a stand of lose hair away form her face. “Do you think that you could trust me, Buffy?”
“Yes,” came out as a whisper so soft that it could hardly be heard. “I think that I could trust you.”
“Then we’ve got something haven’t we?”
“I suppose,” Buffy looked at her arm as he gave it a reassuring gentle squeeze.
Spike moved away from the car door, walking pasted her to the passenger side and opened the door for her, gesturing with his hand for her to get in. With no reluctance, Buffy walked around the car, getting in without once making eye contact with him. As she put her seatbelt on, Spike shut the door as gently as he could and made his way back to the driver’s side. Putting the keys into the ignition, he fired the engine and pulled away from the curb of the street.
“Where to my lady?” Spike asked his passenger.
“Anywhere but here.”
~~~***~~~***~~~***
They travelled in silence as Spike made his way out of the city and towards the surrounding hills of Sunnydale. Spike stole glances of Buffy as she stared out of the window. She looked so lost and forlorn as not once did she look his way. He thought that maybe if she did that, Buffy would panic and want to go back home and that was the last thing that he wanted to happen. So, he accepted the sad fact that she wouldn’t even give him a sideways glance. Spike could only question himself why she wouldn’t look at him; he hoped that it wasn’t a bad omen or that she was regretting her decision about getting into the car with him. He sighed as he struggled to keep silent and not say a word or syllable to her.
“Here,” Buffy suddenly broke her long silence as she pointed to her side of the window. “Turn here.”
Slamming on the brakes and looking in the rear-view window for other traffic that thankfully wasn’t there, Spike indicated to turn left and onto a dirt road. The car jostled along the road that was surrounded by forest and dimly lit by the moonlight. Spike could hardly make out the two tracks under the car and slowed down as they approached an opening that appeared in front of them.
As the car came to a halt, Spike could see the city lights that shone below from the viewpoint that lay before them. Buffy undid her seatbelt and got out of the car, slamming the door as she shut it. She walked a few feet from the car, coming to a complete stop to sit on a low rising rock formation, sitting down on its rough surface. For a few seconds she looked back towards the car, scrutinize Spike as he just sat in the car, watching and waiting for an invitation to join her.
“Spike?”
Buffy gestured for him to join her on the rock before turning around again to look at the view of the city. She could hear the door swing on its hinges as it groaned at being opened slowly and the ricocheting of metal against metal as he closed it. Buffy listened to the sound of the crunch of grass as he walked closer and closer to where she sat. When all she could hear was the rustle of leaves in the wind, she turned and looked up at the man that stood behind her.
“Sit down,” Buffy looked back down at the rock and shuffled over to give him some space to be seated. When he’d made himself comfortable Buffy continued, “My dad used to bring me and my sister here.”
“Never had much to do with the old man myself,” Spike whispered his voice laced with regret. “He’d never do anything that wasn’t in a bar.”
“You had problems with your dad?” Buffy unsurely asked him.
“Yep.”
“He drank?”
“Every opportunity that he could,” Spike looked at her face covered in bewilderment at the disclosure that he was sharing with her. ”Took it out brutally on my mum and eventually me.”
“Ohh.”
“But I ain’t using his behaviour as an excuse for my own or as a sob story, Buffy.” Spike pulled out a cigarette and held it up. “Mind if I have a smoke, Love?”
Buffy shook her head in reply, “You never said anything and I know that you aren’t using it as a sympathy pull.”
“I’ve never used a sob story on anyone. It’s not something in my past that I’m proud of, Love.” Spike lit the cigarette and blew out a long stream of smoke. “Like I said, it ain’t an excuse for anything that I did to you. Or what we did to each other.” Looking at her with a look of understanding in his eyes, he continued. “We never really shared anything about ourselves with each other did we? Well maybe you, but I was never forth coming was I?””
“I guess,” Buffy sighed.
“I know one thing, Buffy,” Spike locked his gaze with her. “I’m not him and never will be him. He made my mother’s life hell, and for that, I hope he goes to the devil for it.” Spike took another deep inhalation of the cigarette before he continued. “Although with this relationship between us, I think that I treated you no different to how he treated my mum. I’ve been thinking about it and the similarities between him and me with my mum and you. How cruel I’d been to you…”
“Spike, no. I was the one how was cruel to you. I’m the one that tied you to the bed and used you. Not that it had been the first time.”
“No, Buffy. Wasn’t I the bastard that demanded you give all of yourself to me and gave nothing back to you?” Spike accused himself. “Just like the old man did from my mum and I was just to fucking thick to see what I was doing to you. To me.”
“Spike you never hit me,” Buffy tried to find some middle ground for them. “You only ever were gentle to me.”
“But not in my actions or words, Buffy. Never then or otherwise,” Spike closed his eyes for a moment. “I used words instead and denied you the feelings you where having. I didn’t use my fists Buffy, but I wasn’t any better than my dad.”
“Spike, please.” Buffy pleaded with him. “I know what you and I did to each other wasn’t kind but it wasn’t…”
“Buffy,” Spike throw the remainder of his cigarette to the ground and put it out with his boot. “Nothing can excuse how I treated you or even myself.”
“Sounds like we’ve been kind of thinking along the same lines,” Buffy thought that as she sensed his own self-disgust in his voice that she was to familiar within her own thoughts and words. “Do you think that maybe we’re being just too hard on ourselves and each other?”
“No, I don’t,” Spike took her hand in his and with a tone of regret that penetrated every word he said. “Everything that we’ve been through has given me an insight into myself that I’ve never had before.”
“I don’t understand?”
“I’ve come to realise that I had some responsibility for you that night and all I could think about was what happening to me. That I needed to forgive you, when what I really needed was to look into myself and see the monster that lies within me. Let me see the selfish bastard that I’ve been.”
“Spike…”
“Let me finish, Buffy.” Spike tightened his grip on her hand to quieten her. “To see that you needed me and I treated you like a play thing for my pleasure. The git that I am, that let things happen the way that they did and let something go that I realise now that I really want.”
“Wh… at?” Buffy lips trembled as she asked.
“You,” Spike whispered. “You as my friend or whatever we’re meant to be.”
“It hasn’t been all take on one side, Spike.” Buffy clasped her hand over his that held hers. “Remember who started all of this, Spike. Me. Me and no one else. I was the one that grabbed you in the alley and used you to feel something instead of the numbness from horror of the E.R. from the gas blast.”
“But I then...” Spike interrupted her.
“Enough,” Buffy shook her head as the tears started to pour down her face. She couldn’t stand it any longer, the pain or the recriminations that they were pouring out to each other. It was just too much; all Buffy wanted was to move forward. “Please no more. Lets both stop tearing each other and ourselves apart. I meant everything I said the next day. I want you to forgive me for what I’ve done to you.”
“I do, Love. I do but you need to forgive me, too.” Spike shuddered against her. “I need to do something about this. I need to know that you’re alright and that you need…”
“Me?” Buffy finished his sentence for him. “I need all of that too and I need to make you realise that I feel exactly the same way about you?”
“Feel the same?” Spike said softly with some hope.
“That we weren’t kind to each other or ourselves,” Buffy tightened her grip on his hands. “I think that we can forgive each other, but we really need to forgive ourselves and then we can move on.”
“To what?”
“I don’t know, Spike.” Buffy spoke with strength and resolution resinating through her voice. “But while we’re looking maybe we could start where we should have in the beginning.”
“Friends?” Spike looked a little said as he remembered that she had asked him once before could they ever be friends.
“I don’t want to be your friend."
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