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Pulse 12

Beginning

“Friends?” Spike looked a little said as he remembered that she had asked him once before could they ever be friends.

“I don’t want to be your friend."


“I doubt that I could ever be your friend,” Buffy continued with her words entwined with repentance and infused with something else that resembled hope. “We have too much hurt and regret surrounding us not to have damaged each other. Even if we tried to be friends, I think that we’d keep gnawing at each other until there was nothing left because we’d be denying the other to much.”

“You’re speaking gobble-de-gook, love.” Spike shook his head in confusion. “One minute you’re talking about forgiveness and the next you’re saying that you don’t want a thing to do with me. What’s it to be? Are you with me or without me?”

“Spike,” Buffy leaned over and laid her head on his shoulder. “I’m not sure what I mean…I think that being without you would just be too much to abide.”

“Awh, love. What are we doing to ourselves?” Spike head began to ache in the complexity of the mess that they’d made for themselves. “Too fucked up to walk away and too frightened to move forward.”

“Forward is the only way we can go,” Buffy sighed softly. “As being too fucked up? I don’t know, but I do know that neither of us wants to let the other go. Kinda comes out of left field doesn’t it? So I guess that we’re definitely fucked up…but I can take one step at a time if you can.”

“One foot in front of the other,” Spike let his hand run down her hair in a soft caress and inhaled the floral scent of her perfume.

“I must admit that what you said tonight comes as a bit of a shock,” Buffy pulled away slightly from his warm body. “Why the sudden change of feelings about what happened…about what I did to you?”

“Let’s just say I had an epiphany.”

“A what?” Buffy brow furrowed with questioning doubt over just what in hell’s name Spike was talking about.

“A revelation, love,” Spike replied quietly. “I had a bloody revelation.”

“About us?” Buffy asked. “I don’t understand how you could have such a sudden change of heart?”

“Maybe I realised somewhere deep down that I didn’t want to lose such a beautiful creature like you.” Spike lifted her chin so that she looked straight into the depths of his eyes. “Something inside of me snapped into place just thinkin’ that you could just walk away from me in a millisecond if you wanted too. Something inside of you splintered and I think I can understand why. I ain’t saying that I’m all seeing and knowing to what I did to make you react the way you did. But I’m saying that I don’t want to let you go. That would mean that I’d just have an existence impersonating life. ”

“It’s still such a sudden change of tune?” Buffy looked away unsure how Spike would react to the hesitation mirrored in her eyes. “One minute it’s all ‘I don’t know if I can forgive you’ and now it’s ‘forgive me’.”

“All I can say is that the thought of losing you is too much,” Spike spoke quietly. “I know I hurt you a lot. You called out from the chaos for help that first time and I just kept you there in the darkness of your own shadows.”

“That’s a bit melodramatic, Spike.”

“Maybe, but it’s the truth.” Spike lifted her chin so that Buffy couldn’t avoid his gaze. “Must bring out the bleedin’ poet out in me.”

“Poet?” Buffy’s squeamish smile splayed across her face. “Please explain?”

“Another time and another life away,” Spike looked at her with some amusement in his eyes. “I’ll enlighten you sometime in the future.”

“Future,” Buffy licked her lips. “Is that what we have?”

“That, love, is up too us.”

“How are we going do it?” Buffy looked at him solemnly.

“I don’t know, love. All I know is that I’ll do anything that you want to keep you. Be anything. You know that don’t you?”

“I guess,” Buffy leaned back against him and looked out into the darkness that surrounded them. “I want…I want us. I want to be with you but I just don’t know how.”

“One step at a time, Buffy. One step at a time.” Spike tightened his grasp on her. “We’ll work it out as we go being open and brutally honest with each other. If one fucks up then the other tells them even if it means taking my head and bashing it against a brick wall until I get what you’re saying.”

“How can I open and honest to you when I don’t even understand myself anymore to know when I’m being even honest to myself? Let alone to you?” Buffy quietly asked him.

“Don’t fret over it. Love, you already said that you want there to be an ‘us’ and that’s a bloody good beginning if I ever heard one,” Spike reassured her. “Let that be enough for now. Just focus on that and the rest will come.”


~~~***~~~***~~~

The drive back to Buffy’s apartment was done in silence as both contemplated what had transpired between them this night. Spike, just drove in quiet shock and disbelieve that they’d been able to try and build something from the turmoil that had been shrouded around them. Buffy sat mulling over what they’d said to each other. There had been no real closure between them it would have just have been impossible to expect anything different. Instead she felt as if a load had been lifted from her shoulders, Buffy felt good about herself for a change as optimism replaced self flagellation.

Spike turned off the ignition as the car came to a halt out the front of Buffy’s apartment. They both looked out the front windscreen watching the cars pass them as they sat neither wanting to be the first to make a move to get out. Both had wondered what the first step would be in moving forward and it would appear that it had just manifested itself in this moment in time. The air in the confinement of the car quickly became thin and humid as each struggled to find the right words to say.

“Workin’ tomorrow?” Spike broke the silence.

“No,” Buffy’s fingers clenched together. “You?”

“Nope.”

“Oh.” Buffy’s voice but a whisper.

“So you’re a free agent?” Spike asked quietly.

“I guess.”

“You guess?” Spike tried to surmise whether she was trying to avoid answering because she was nervous or evading him.

“Yes, I’m free.”

“Good.”

“Why?”

“I’m going to take my gir…you out for a ride,” Spike turned and saw the blood drain from Buffy’s face. “A bike ride.”

“Oh, a bike ride,” her cheeks became reddened with embarrassment. “What about your accident? Wasn’t your bike damaged?”

“Only a few scratches. We’ll go where ever you want,” Spike opened his door and got out only to come around and open the passenger door. “Sleep on it and tell me in the morning.’

“Alright,” Buffy got out and walked up to the door of the apartment block. “I’ll let you know.” Opening the door she looked back silently and stared at Spike in somewhat loss not sure how else to respond to him.

“Buffy,” Spike halted her before she closed the door behind her. “Do you have a leather jacket?”

“Umm, no I don’t.”

“Leave it with me then. I reckon that I’ll have one somewhere that’ll fit you.” Spike looked her up and down for size, not that he really need to as he knew her body as well as she did herself. Buffy also couldn’t miss the obvious flare of desire that lit his gaze as he sized her up or the tic that played along his cheek bone when ever passion burned inside his veins.

“Night, Spike.”

“Buffy,” Spike caught her arm just as the door was about to close.

“Yes?” Buffy answered in little more than a shaky whisper as fear ricocheted in her gut spinning uncontrollably that she’d drag him back up to her bed to fuck him senseless.---No. No. You’re meant to say ‘no’.--- “No.”

“No?”

“Nothing…forget it.” Buffy looked away from him as she began to feel her top lip quiver. A sign that she knew he’d know straight away was a clear sign that she wanted and need to feel him on top and inside her body. With a gentle pull of her arm she broke Spike’s grip on her limb letting out a sigh of regret as she broke the bodily contact.

“Reckon’ that you’d look smashing in leather.” He immediately saw the slight simmer of her upper lip and knew exactly what she was thinking. “Or nothing at all.”

“Night, Spike.” With that she slammed the door and took a step back from the sheer force of the splintering crash. The force of the slam mimicking the compulsion of fear that now threatened to over take her sense and drown out everything that was around her except for the run off heat and need that pooled between her thighs.

One thing was obvious he still wanted her.


~~***~~~***~~~***~~

A light kiss permeated along her outer thigh, her body tingled with need as a gentle hand caressed her inner thigh spreading her legs even further apart. She reached down, letting her hand move through the short hair, feeling its curls give way as her fingers divided them down his skull. His hair felt rough on her finger tips as the gel that held it in shape gave way, releasing its grip on each fine hair making it soften in texture.

Soft kisses continued down her thigh until they reached the apex of her legs and she could only feel the soft inhalation and exhalation of breath on her abdomen which clutched with a burning craving of pleasure. As if in hearing her call for fulfilment, lips began caressing her abdomen with tender probing kisses mixed with light swipes of the tip of his tongue. Making her rear back slightly against the hands that now held her down on the bed with her hips. Buffy pulled harder on his hair in total abandonment fuelled by a roaring rush of heat that now raged through her and throbbed at her clit.

“Please,” her voice a pleading whisper to the man that filled her with an incomprehensible desire that she couldn’t explain in words. Only could Buffy express it in the response of her body to his as she begged him, “Harder.”

Hands that held her hips released their grip and snaked their way around the bottom of her legs, squeezing her buttocks as they traced their way along her hips until his fingers came to rest hugging around her inner thighs. She felt just the tips of his fingers moving down until they brushed against the side of her labia pulling gently at her pubic hair. Letting a finger on each side slide in-between the lips of her pussy, pulling them gently apart to feel the moist flesh that burned to be touched.

Her body jarred as she felt the first tender swipe of his tongue on her clit as he teased the bud with out mercy. Buffy almost ripped out the hair between her fingers in frustration, as he swirled slowly around and around her nub. He answered in kind by pinching the peaked flesh with nips of his teeth enflaming her tender flesh and it seemed like a kind of punishment for pulling his hair so hard. Yet if it was punishment then it was exquisite torment.

“Please,” Buffy whispered hoarsely as her throat tightened with the heightening arousal making it difficult for her to speak clearly.

Lifting her hips up, she offered herself to her lover in a frantic need to have more of him. Buffy felt the invasion of her inner walls with a single digit of his hand as it gently probed deeper and deeper into the moist inner flesh of her body. Rhythmically pushing in and out, coiling roughly as he speared her pussy with each move. Soaring her desire as he added another two digits diving his fingers in and out of her now even wetter flesh.

“Spike, please!”

An annoying buzzing reverberation broke through Buffy’s dreamscape as her slumber became interrupted by that dam sound. Groaning she rolled over and hit the snooze button on her alarm clock but it still continued to grate on her heightened senses. Finally surrounding to the noise, she opened her eyes and looked at the clock. 9:38 AM.

Yawning deeply she pulled the sheet cocooning her body away from her and sat on the edge of the bed. Taking deep breaths as Buffy tried to regain some sense of balance from her unnerving sensual trance created from her dreaming consciousness. Her body jittery for the release denied from being woken before her dreams conclusions and with muscles ricocheting against the reverberating buzz as it continued. She looked again at her alarm clock as it struck her finally that that hideous noise wasn’t coming from it.

“No, no, no,” Buffy pulled herself up from the bed as she realised that the noise was her intercom system attached to her doorbell on the street door. “Alright! I’m coming.”

“What?” Buffy shouted into the microphone of her intercom. Rubbing her forehead as she yawned again into the microphone and getting more aggravated by the minute. “This better be worth it.”

“I’ll make it worth your while,” Spike crooning promisingly and end with a soft chuckled that it would seemed that he’d woken her up. “Still in bed, little girl.”

“I’m not a little girl,” Buffy threw back at him. “And yes I was still in bed thank you. I thought that you were going to ring me first before you came over?”

“Ouch,” Spike mimicked a touch of verbal hurt. “We’ll I’m here as promised. Sorry that I didn’t ring earlier didn’t want to wake you up.”

“Hmmpt.”

“Buffy?”

“Fine.”

“Buffy, I don’t hear the lock opening?” Spike waited for her to open the front door lock from her apartment.

“What?”

“Invite me in,” Spike sighed. “You have to invite me in by opening the door, love, or I can’t come in.”

“Maybe I haven’t decided whether I want you to come in,” Buffy began to torment the man that waited to be let in. “You wake me from my sleep so give me one good reason why I should let you in?”

“Buffy…”

“Come on, one good reason,” Buffy taunted Spike with her voice filled with amusement.

“Cause if you don’t I’ll huff and I’ll puff and blow your house down.”

“You think you’re so bad don’t you?” Buffy shook her head. “Rude to boot waking me up so early.”

“That’s right love,” Spike taunted her. “I’m a bad rude man.”

“You wish,” Buffy pushed the button that released the front door lock to let him have access to the building. “Come up and do it quietly.”

Walking back into her bedroom Buffy grabbed her dressing gown, putting it on as she went into the kitchen turning on the kettle to get her first hit of caffeine for the day. Pulling out a mug, she seized the coffee jar and placed a large teaspoon into the mug with a lot of sugar, knowing that she’d need an extra strong jolt of the stimulant to have an edge today. God knows what Spike had planned for her today and she wanted to be on her toes.

The kettle whistled as the banging on the door sounded announcing Spike’s arrival at her front door, Buffy turned away from the kitchen towards her front door. Looking down at her self, Buffy pulled the lapels of her dressing gown more firmly together and tightened the already taut knot of the belt that held the gown closed. Buffy could only hope that she wasn’t blushing as she remembered her sexual fantasy that she’d been rudely awakened from. She hoped that he couldn’t feel her numbness of discomfort knowing that the man she dreamed of was only a few centimetres from her heated body.

A man that she still desperately needed and wanted with a violent febrile craving. Her life had sure become one fucked up mess.

Taking a deep breath she took slow steps towards the door stopping just short of the handle, Buffy placed her hand over the cool rough texture of the door. She closed her eyes just for a second, allowing her mind to imagine Spike standing there behind the door. Doubt began to creep into her consciousness as hesitation began to flood into her psyche.

Spike noticed the shadows moving in the crack between the door and the floor. Buffy stood a few centimetres from him separated by a thick sheet of wood and he could feel her hesitation even behind the door. Leaning onto the door he let his hand rest on its rough cool exterior and let his ear come to rest just above his hand. Spike could just barely make out her deep breathes as she exhaled, he hoped that she wasn’t going to chicken out on him and refuse to let him in.

“Let me in. Let me in little pig,” Spike whispered through the door.

“I am not a pig,” Buffy pulled open the door with such force that Spike stumbled in through the doorway almost losing his footing.

“Never said you were, love,” Spike grunted as he regained his footing. “Sorry to wake you up.”

“Fine, but I’m not ready,” Buffy pulled the dressing gown even closer to her body.

“I can see that,” Spike couldn’t help but move his gaze up and down her frame. “But I don’t think that what you have on would be any good kinda’ clashes with the leather.” Spike lifted a leather jacket up for her approval that had been lying on his shoulder and in the other hand he held two bike helmets.

“I still have to get ready,” Buffy nodded towards the bathroom door.

“Stating the obvious, sweetheart.” Spike’s brow furrowed deeply in somewhat annoyance. “I’ll be a good boy and wait for you.”

“No,” Buffy replied.

“No? Changed your mind, love?” Bitter disappointment shrouded his face and reflected itself in his eyes.

“No…I need you to leave,” Buffy motioned towards the door.

“No?” Spike hiked the leatherjacket over his shoulder again. “No, you don’t want me here? No, you don’t want to be with me today? Or no, I’ve changed my mind about everything and go away?”

“No, I need to get ready and you need to wait somewhere else but here.”

“Why? Frightened that I’m going to attack you in the shower?” Spike attempted to smile even vaguely at her half relieved that she wasn’t telling him to be gone and the other half frightened that she would anyway.

“No,” Buffy quietly replied, “I’m terrified that I’ll ask you to join me.”

“Would that be so bad,” Spike dropped the jacket to the ground with the two helmets and walked up to her standing only a breath away from her. Lifting a hand to stroke her cheek in a simple caress. “To be skin to skin, touching and being touched? To be wrapped around and filled by me? Would that be so bad?”

“No…I mean yes.” Buffy stumbled over her answer. “Yes it would be bad. Very bad.”

“Why?” Spike let his hand slip down her smooth skin down to her neck and further until it just rested above her breast.

“Because it would be bad,” Buffy sighed as she struggled against her body’s instant reaction to his caress. It was so tempting to just let him touch her, so much that she ached painfully for just a second of bliss. “So scrumptiously bad.”

“How can something so right be so bad, Buffy?” Spike leaned in to kiss her. “When we want each other so much?”

Pulling herself quickly out of his embrace, Buffy wrapped her arms around herself trying to control the slight shudder that racked her body. Turning she fled to the somewhat safety in the kitchen, leaning her hands onto the bench as Buffy inhaled deeply to try and regain what decorum she could. How easily she could have just fallen into Spike’s arms but she knew that could only lead to disaster and straight back into dark habits.

“I can’t,” Buffy finally looked straight at him, “I just can’t.”

“Can’t or won’t, Buffy?” Spike’s brow furrowed in somewhat frustration.

“Both Spike.” Buffy picked up the mug she’d had earlier in her hand. “As much as I want too it would only make things harder on us.”

“How can us sleeping together make things harder?”

“Because…”

“Why won’t you sleep with me?”

“Because sex is what got us into trouble in the first place,” Buffy slammed the mug onto the bench in front of her. “Is that what you’re here for? Just too get back into my bed?”

“No,” Spike’s fists tightened into balls, “I would have had you on your back by now if that’s all I wanted Buffy. Don’t tell me that I couldn’t have you in bed with your legs spread, if that’s all I wanted from you.”

“I…” Buffy felt her throat tighten around its self making her choke on her own words.

“I want more than sex from you and you know it,” Spike moved into the kitchen and moved in behind her encircling her body with his arms. “How many times to I have to say it Buffy to make you believe that I’ve realised that you mean more to me than a roll in the hay? If you don’t want to go to bed than that’s fine with me but don’t think for one second that I’m not going to touch you. Or show you how much I want to feel your skin next to mine.”

“I just want to start with a clean slate,” Buffy let herself lean into him. “Just because I said no doesn’t mean that I don’t want you any less. I just think that sex will complicate things even more and things are fucked up enough with out adding anymore complications.”

Spike let out a soft laughter against her shoulder, “So in other words you want to be wooed?”

“Wooed?” Spike stopped laughing as she shouldered him in the ribs. “Where did you come up with that crap?”

“Sorry, just the romantic in me.”

“You? Romantic?” Buffy snorted in reply. “I’ll believe that when I see it.”

“Believe it, Buffy. You’ll see a side of me that’ll truly amaze you.”

“You are so full of it, Spike.” Buffy softly pushed him back and disengaged herself from his arms. “But you still need to wait for me some where else while I get ready.”

“I promise that no matter how much you call out for me in blazing lust from the shower, I’ll stay out here.” Spike laid his hand over his heart in a child like promise. “As much as you scream out in frustration I’ll be a good little boy and stay away.”

“You’re also a bad liar, Spike,” Buffy laughed at him. “You’d be in there in a flash and stripped…”

“Stop right there,” Spike ran a hand over his face in frustration and made a beeline for the front door. “Point made, love. I couldn’t help myself if you wanted me.” Opening the front door he turned around, “I gotta leave before I do something that I know you’d regret.”

“I just want to start fresh, Spike. With out any sex complicating things…I know how good that is between us. I just want us to know each other more than just the biblical sense of the word.” Buffy tried to smile reassuringly at him but only a cracked smile appeared. “How can we really get to know each other if all we ever do when we’re together is fuck?”

“I understand, love, but I mean get a guys motor runnin’…” Spike started with a soft chuckle and that carnal knowing tilt of his face he did when lust fogged his senses.

“GO!” Buffy yelled at him knowing that every second she stayed with him in her presence was one nanosecond to long towards the short distance to dragging him back to her bed.

Spike quickly made an exit before he dug himself a hole deeper than he was already in. Shrugging his shoulders he closed the door behind him, “Meet me down stairs when your ready, love. For today is a new day.”

“No Spike,” Buffy whispered to herself. “Today is our beginning…”

~~***~~***~~***~~***

Buffy struggled to open the door with both helmets in her hands, hampered by the leather jacket she wore that was too big for her. She wondered who it had belonged to in the past as it obviously was styled for a female and Buffy stupidly hoped that it hadn’t been an ex’s of his. Buffy had sniffed the leather for traces of perfume that hadn’t been evident amongst the slight tinge of leather. The door to her apartment door was reefed out of her hands as Spike pulled it open for her, she watched as he took one of the helmets from her hands.

“Well don’t you look dangerous,” Spike exhaled deeply with a soft whistle of appreciation as a puff of smoke exhaled from his lungs. “Hate to meet you down a dark alley way.”

Immediately a deluge of memories poured through her mind as she instantly recalled the one time that Spike had caught her down a dark alley. God this was going to be so much harder than she thought and it was just a simple day out with Spike. A simple day out with him, complicated with the fact that she wanted nothing more than to fuck his brains out and scream the roof down as he made her come. Shaking her head she tried to regain some composure before she totally lost it, grabbed him and ran back up stairs to her apartment ripping the clothes from his body as she threw him down upon her bed.

Unable to control herself Buffy replied to his comment, “You already have.”

“I know. I still have the scorch marks,” Spike pulled her against his chest so that her now erect nipples brushed along his chest. “I know how real dangerous you are little girl.”

“Spike, please don’t,” Buffy whispered as she twisted herself out of the burning embrace. “Don’t ruin it.”

“Sorry love,” Spike reluctantly let her go and grabbed his helmet from her hand and walked over to his motorbike. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

Buffy looked at him, as he slid himself over the frame of the bike and slipped his helmet over his head. He turned towards her and with his hand patted the seat of the bike behind him motioning her to get on behind him. With a soft sigh Buffy slide the other helmet on her head as she flipped its visor up and gingerly stepped over to the bike. With some difficulty she lifted herself over the frame of the bike and got on the seat behind him.

“What do I do now?” Buffy spoke loudly to him, unsure what to do with her hands and feet.

“Never been on a bike before, pet?” Spike turned his head as he flipped his own visor open to look at her awkward stance on the bike. Buffy shook her head in reply as she slightly shook against him. “Put your feet onto the pedals,” Spike pointed towards the bottom of the bikes frame, “and you can either hold onto the handle at the back of the bike…or onto me if you can keep your hands on my waist, love.” Spike chuckled gently trying to lighten the tense mood that hung between them.

Buffy placed her hands behind her grappling onto the handle behind her too frightened what might flare inside her should she dare touch him. Anywhere. She flipped the visor of the helmet over her face hoping that it would present itself as some kind of shield from his intense gaze.

“Buffy,” Spike leaned over and flipped the visor back up so that he could look directly into her eyes. “Just a few things love, before we go anywhere. You need to make sure that you keep yourself upright while we’re riding and lean sideways a little as we go around bends, you got that Goldilocks?”

“Yeah,” Buffy tersely smiled towards him as he flipped her visor down again.

“It would be easier to follow my lead if you held onto my waist, love, and leaned into me.”

“I’m alright like this, thank you.” Buffy pulled herself back further from his body as she tried to keep herself of his lean body. Temptation was to close to her and she had to keep a clear head to keep him at bay.

“Fine,” with that Spike started the bike with a hard yank of his foot on the starter and pulled the throttle hardly with his hand as the bike roared to life. With a few twists of his wrist he revved the bike and took off with a start that stunned Buffy into making a grab for his waist as she tried to maintain her centre of gravity. What she didn’t see was the smirk that covered Spike’s face in triumph as he sat in front of her with his face hidden by the shading of his helmets visor.

Closing her eyes for dear life she grabbed hard onto his jacket as he quickly approached the first corner he came across. Gritting her teeth she leaned to the left as they speed around the corner and harshly exhaled as they straightened up around the curve. Making a small fist she gently swung down with her hand and hit his thigh, in response her lifted a hand from the handle bar and swatted her on her thigh. Buffy swore that she could hear a chuckle above the load roar of the engine and again went to smack him when he took a sharp right making her again grab onto his waist to hold her self onto the bike.

Making a promise to herself that she‘d make Spike pay when they got to wherever they where going. Buffy gained the courage to open her eyes so that she could keep a track of where they where going and try to enjoy something of their journey. She let herself feel the pressure of the wind fracture whoosh through her body as they speed through the city centre and out into the suburbs they passed. Maybe this wouldn’t be as bad as she let herself think, one thing Buffy knew was that this would be one hell of a ride.

***~~~**~~~***





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