“Buffy?”
“Hmm?”
“Thank you.”
“For?”
Cuddling her closer to him as they half- watched a movie, Spike pressed a kiss to Buffy’s forehead. “For letting me stay. For not kicking me out. For not making Faith your guardian tonight.”
Nestling her head back against him, she wrapped an arm across his middle. “She was a hurdle bigger than Anya.”
“I know.”
“I’m going to visit Doyle’s grave,” she told him softly. “Talk to him.”
“Tell him about me?”
“Yes.”
“Can I meet him sometime, Buffy?” Spike asked cautiously, not sure how she’d react to that request.
“Yes, I’d like that. Sometime.”
“You know what I’ve never seen?”
“What?”
“A picture of him.”
Buffy sighed, “Ah yes. The great picture embargo. It was Anya’s idea to get rid of memento’s. She had this whole ‘out of sight, out of mind’ idea. She was tired of finding me poring over pictures of him and balling my eyes out. Much like the day you met me.”
“I don’t agree with her on that completely,” Spike said, slightly annoyed. “You shouldn’t put him away as if you’re trying to forget, as if he never existed.”
“I don’t think that’s what she meant, Spike—“
“I know, I know. She has your best intentions at heart and all that, but . . . but it makes it harder when you don’t have those things there to remind you. It’s not dealing with your grief but rather trying to shove it away from you as if it isn’t there.”
“I have a picture of him on my nightstand,” she told him softly.
“You do?”
She nodded.
“Could I—could I see him?”
Sitting up, she looked at him. “You really want to?”
“I showed you my parents, didn’t I? That was important to me. I never showed Anya my parents.”
“What exactly did you and Anya do besides . . . fornicate?”
Spike grimaced.
“What’s that look for?” she teased.
“I just . . . Buffy … since I’ve met you it’s hard for me to even conceive of there having been other women before you. It’s like . . . you were always there and those others were just. . . just there to pass the time until I could get to you.”
She smiled softly, “That’s very sweet.” She furrowed her brow, “Sort of mean for the others – including my best friend, but okay.”
“It doesn’t scare you?”
“A little, but not in the way you think.”
“In what way then?”
“In the way that I’m afraid to hurt you because I can’t say the same.”
He nodded, looking down and shrugging slightly. “Well, you had a whole other life before. You were married and you loved your husband.”
“I still love him, Spike.” She took a deep breath. “I just need you to know, to understand, that no matter how this progresses, a part of me will always love Doyle and a part of me will always belong to him. Can you understand that? Accept that?”
“I’m not going to lie to you and say enthusiastically that yes, I accept that whole – heartedly and like it, but at the same time I know it’s realistic that a part of you will always love him and belong to him. It’s not realistic to say that a part of you won’t still love him. He was a major part of your life. So, yes, I understand it. It’s not something I can control and I don’t want to do that to you, Buffy. It wouldn’t be fair, would it? It’d be like saying that my aunt and uncle have replaced my parents and that to me; they’re my parents and always have been. It’s just not true. As much as I love my aunt and uncle, as much as I appreciate everything they’ve done for me, there isn’t a moment that goes by where I don’t wish my parents were still alive.”
Reaching out, she cupped the side of his face, “You’re pretty amazing you know that?”
He blushed, surprising them both. “Nah, I’m nothing that special,” he said, shrugging off her words.
“How can you say that? Spike, you lost your parents at fourteen, you had a heart transplant and survived – you’re kind and you’re caring and sometimes I forget how old you are. You’re wise beyond your years. Hell, you’re wise beyond my years. Not many men would want to take me on. Unless they’re Riley Finn--”
Spike growled at the mention of ‘Captain Cardboard’s’ name and she grinned.
“—But you,” she continued, “You are here and you haven’t given up. You won’t let me give up. You have the biggest heart –“
“It’s not my heart,” he said softly.
“Yes, it is. It is your heart. It was meant for you, as sad as that is for the ones that lost their loved one in order for you to get it. Doyle used to tell me that everyone has a purpose no matter how long or how short their life was. And that when their purpose has been served, it’s time for them to move on.”
Spike cocked his head to the side, “Do you believe that?”
“No,” she said and let out a short laugh, “Well, I did at one point. Then he died and I didn’t see how he was finished with his purpose. He had so much more to give and –“ she shook her head and broke off. “I lost a lot of my faith in a lot of things after he died. And, after what you told me about your heart transplant, and knowing how I feel so connected to you, like I can tell you anything, I think you’re slowly restoring my faith in things again; in life and living. I just . . . try to resist it sometimes.”
Spike’s eyes were shining and he looked away from her. “Woman . . . you . . . “
“What? Did I say something wrong?”
“You have no idea what you do to me,” he whispered. “This is the second time today you’ve nearly made me cry.”
“I’m sorry—“
“No, don’t be sorry. Don’t be sorry for that.” He looked at her and wiped at his eyes. “You heal me. It’s a good thing. I’ve spent so much time feeling broken somehow, and I myself have tried to shove it away. Tried to pretend that I didn’t care and that I was fine and just living my life, but until I met you, I never realized how I wasn’t truly living. I would think how I had a life to live and goals to meet and all that, but I never let anyone get close to me. Always kept people at a distance – even my aunt and uncle to some extent—and now . . . You –“ He shook his head. “You wormed your way in. I don’t know how you did it so fast and effortlessly, but you did and I can’t imagine –“ he cut himself off and pulled her into his arms, holding her tight against him, burying his face in her neck.
Buffy felt moved. That was the only way to describe it. Her heart swelled with something she couldn’t quite name, but she knew she felt it for the man holding her in his arms.
“Maybe it took two broken souls together to heal?” she suggested lightly.
He pulled back and searched her face. “Riley was broken in some way – do you think he would have sufficed?”
“No, I don’t,” she admitted softly.
He nodded and leaned in, kissing her softly. “It took you, and it took me.”
“Yes,” she whispered in agreement.
They stared at each other for a long moment, thinking of the day they’d first met and had those moments of understanding pass through them; those moments of communicating without words.
Finally, kissing him softly, Buffy whispered, “I’ll get the picture of Doyle.”