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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thank you guys!!

I apologize for how short this chapter is, but honestly, it can be draining writing emotional scenes like this. Hope you like just the same.
All Buffy could do was stare at him. “You—you have Doyle’s heart? You wrote this letter?”

He nodded, tears spilling freely down his cheeks, unchecked. He didn’t try to hide them from her as he had before, he was laid out and bare for her to see.

She shook her head, trying to clear her thoughts, trying to latch on to at least one of them that was running through her mind and focusing on it. But her mind, her mind was reeling and she didn’t know what to do with the information.

Spike though, Spike was able to do something. He pushed himself from the wall he’d been leaning against and stood straight. “I—I have to go—“

She knew that wasn’t the answer, that much she could latch on to. “No, Spike—“

“I can’t, Buffy,” he said hoarsely, not even able to look her in the eye, “I can’t.”

“Please! Just – let me—“ she pleaded.

“What?”

She stared at him, her vision blurred from tears.

“What?” he shouted and she jumped.

Moving forward as if in a dream, she reached out to him, caressed the side of his face, gazing up into his blue eyes filled with tears and glided her hand down his neck, his arm and finally across his chest and over his heart. She stared at her hand, stared at it as it lay over his heart. Doyle’s heart. And she sobbed.

*********************

Spike couldn’t take it. He just couldn’t. Seeing that letter, seeing the letter he wrote to Buffy, to his donor family – it was too much.

And it was unfair. So horribly unfair.

Buffy’s loss was his gain; he was happy because he got a new heart and a new life, and in order for him to get those things, someone had to die – why, God, why did that someone have to be Doyle?

The last person on God’s green Earth he ever wanted to see in pain, the one person he loved beyond reason and only wanted to make smile, was the one person who had to lose so he could gain her.

It was so unfair.

He’d been propelled to tell her, it had crossed his mind to keep it from her, but he couldn’t do that. Couldn’t do it, if not for the raw reaction to finding out he had Doyle’s heart, then because he simply could not lie to Buffy.

The walls had been closing in on him, and breathing was becoming a problem. He had to go, he couldn’t – he just couldn’t deal.

He pushed himself from the wall he’d been leaning against and stood straight. “I—I have to go—“

“No, Spike—“ she said on a hoarse whisper.

“I can’t, Buffy.” Christ, he couldn’t even look at her. “I can’t.”

“Please! Just – let me—“ she pleaded.

“What?” he demanded, his flight response screaming in his ears.

She stared at him, unmoving and saying nothing.

“What?” he shouted, impatient. She jumped and he felt guilt for scaring her.

He watched her glide toward him, her hand reaching out. She caressed the side of his face, and he nearly broke into a sob. God, she was touching him and looking up at him, looking at him in wonder and awe and . . . love? Then her hand was moving, moving down his neck, his arm and finally across his chest and over his heart. She ceased looking at him. Ceased looking up at him and was intently staring at where her hand was. Over the scar he’d been so afraid to show her, over the mark he’d felt so self-conscious about on so many levels, over his heart. No, not his heart. Doyle’s heart. Doyle, the man she loved. The man she’d been married to and lost . . . lost and now found again.

And she sobbed.

With a cry, he turned and ran, leaving her there to mourn Doyle all over again.

**************

He was gone so fast Buffy couldn’t stop him. Not that she knew what to do or even say anyway.

Doyle’s heart in Spike. That was the only thought in her mind. Spike that she made love with, Doyle she’d been married to. Doyle that she loved, Spike that was here because of him.

“Buffy?”

Looking up, she saw Faith staring there, concerned and worried, “What’s going on? I just saw Spike; he tore out of here like a bat out of hell. Did you have a fight?”

Could she tell Faith? Should she tell Faith? She was after all Doyle’s sister and she deserved to know. “Faithy.”

“Buffy, you’re scaring me, what’s going on?”

“Remember how I told you that Spike had a heart transplant?”

Faith nodded slowly, “Is he sick? Is his body rejecting the heart?”

“No, Faithy, I got a letter today.”

“From who? Dammit, Buffy, you’re freaking me out!”

“I got a letter today from a heart transplant survivor thanking me for Doyle’s heart. Faithy, Spike has Doyle’s heart.”

Faith burst into tears immediately and Buffy’s concern was comforting her. Yes, yes, comfort Faith. That would give her something to focus on.

Faith held onto her tightly as she cried. “Did he know? Did he know all this time?”

“No, honey, he didn’t know until I showed him the letter.”

“Is he – is he mad?”

“I don’t think so. I think he’s . . . I don’t know how he is,” Buffy said, giving into a fresh batch of tears. “I didn’t know what to say to him. All I could do was . . . was touch his heart.”

“Did it – did it feel different?”

“No, that’s the thing, I think . . . I didn’t feel it. I didn’t feel Doyle. I was waiting to and I didn’t. I wanted to and I felt guilty for Spike for wanting to and guilty for Doyle and . . . I didn’t feel him.”

“Buffy, what does that mean?”

“I don’t know, Faithy, I don’t know. It’s like he’s living on, and yet, he’s not.”

“What are you going to do?”

“I don’t know.” But even as she said it, she knew. She was going to make another trip to Doyle’s grave. The only thing she wasn’t sure of was if she was going to make it alone, or if she was going to take Spike with her.

***************

Rupert Giles opened the door to his home to find his nephew Spike standing before him, looking a mess. “Spike? What’s wrong, son?”

“R-remember that girl I told you about?”

“Yes, Buffy, is it?”

Spike nodded.

“Spike, what is wrong? I’ve never seen you so upset, come in, would you?” and he grabbed his arm, dragging him in the house.

“Rupert—Spike! Oh my God, what’s wrong? Are you all right? Is it your heart?” Aunt Jenny went directly to him, folding him up in her tiny arms. “What is it, darling?”

“I have Buffy’s husband’s heart,” Spike said mournfully. “He died and . . . I’m alive.”

“Dear God,” Giles breathed and Aunt Jenny just held onto her poor, broken nephew and let him cry his eyes out.





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