“What are the odds?” Aunt Jenny mused on a murmur as she handed Spike a cup of cocoa.
“My bloody lot in life to never do anything right,” Spike muttered and sipped on his cocoa. When he put his mug down, Aunt Jenny whapped him upside the head.
“Jenny, honestly,” Uncle Giles started.
“That’ll teach him to say such things!” Aunt Jenny said defensively. She looked at her nephew sternly. “Now you listen to me, Spike,” and she leaned forward, getting right in his face. “There is nothing wrong with you. You do plenty of things right – living, being one of them. You have a big heart and a beautiful soul. You know why you’re not dead? Because you have so much to offer this world; the angels themselves would weep if you left. So do not sit here and tell me that you can’t do anything right. You bring that girl joy—“
“Not anymore,” Spike muttered.
“It was a shock. It wasn’t as if she were going to shrug it off as if it meant nothing. You said she tried to stop you—“
“Yeah, only so she could put her hand over –“ he broke off. “She put her hand over my heart and it was like she . . . like she was trying to get to him through me.”
“Spike,” Uncle Giles began, “It was a natural reaction for her to do that. Anyone in her place would have done the same. It does not mean that this enhances or takes away anything she feels for you. You don’t know, you simply do not know. And you won’t by running from her.”
“I didn’t want to stick around to find out if she hated me or just wanted me around because I have his heart!” Spike shouted and jumped up. He started to pace, rubbing the back of his neck. “I thought I was doing this good thing, I wanted these people to know what was given to me and all this time . . . all this time I was given something that Buffy had to lose in order for me to get it.” He stopped and stared wide-eyed at his aunt and uncle. “What if that’s the only reason I felt a connection to her? What if,” he shook his head, forlorn, “What if his heart needed to be with her and I’m just the body along for the ride?”
“Oh, poppycock,” Uncle Giles dismissed that idea with a wave of his hand. “Spike, it’s an organ. The organ itself does not have feeling.”
“Then why does it hurt?” Spike asked on a whisper.
“Spike, your heart is not Doyle’s, not any longer,” Aunt Jenny told him. “It’s yours. If you want to continue down the mystical path, then maybe that heart was always yours and Doyle had to –“
“Don’t say that!” Spike exclaimed. “Don’t say that,” he shook his head. “I would hate to know that someone Buffy loved had to die in order for me to be with her. No, I refuse to believe that.”
“Then for heaven’s sake, stop thinking that his heart had to be with her, and you’re just the body!” Aunt Jenny exclaimed back. “Spike, honey, things happen in life that don’t always make sense. There’s tragedy and heartache and pain; however, on the other side of that is joy, love and harmony.”
“You sound like bloody Hallmark card, Aunt Jenny.”
“Listen to me, young man,” she demanded sternly. “What happened is a coincidence, a large coincidence, I’ll give you. It was a horrible thing what happened to Buffy, but Spike, honey, you had nothing to do with it. You were a young man in a hospital waiting for a heart. Logic says that someone had to die for you to get that heart. You knew the reality of it going into it. You had no way of knowing that heart belonged to Doyle. You didn’t know who Doyle was, and, you didn’t know that a year later, you’d meet and fall in love with his widow. She had no way of knowing either, she knew he was a donor, but she probably didn’t know that his heart had been given, probably didn’t even think about that in her grief.
What matters now is how you both move on from it. How you deal with it, accept what happened, and move on with your lives. You could get yourself tripped up on the what- ifs and weigh every side from the mystical to the practical, but that’s not what’s important. The important thing is how you both work through it, and that you do it together.”
Spike gazed mournfully at his aunt. “I’m not ready to see her yet.”
“You’re afraid,” Uncle Giles observed. “You will have to see her eventually, Spike.”
“I’m just not ready yet, Uncle Giles. I can’t.”
“Then you can stay here until you can,” Aunt Jenny assured him.
************************
“Buffy, do you think that this was Doyle’s way of staying with you beyond the grave?” Faith asked as they sat, curled up on Buffy’s couch sharing a pint of chocolate ice cream.
“Well, he was quite superstitious, but . . . honestly Faithy, I don’t have an answer for that. Let’s say that there are other forces at work here—supernatural forces, if you will. If that were the case then wouldn’t I have somehow ‘felt’ him? I mean . . . all this time with Spike, I never ‘felt’ Doyle here. The only time I felt Doyle was when I told him I was seeing Spike. But that wasn’t a ‘hey, I’m here with you through him’ type of thing, that was a ‘I’m here, but I know you’re moving on and it’s okay.’”
“So then, you just answered my question. You don’t think it’s Doyle’s way of staying with you beyond the grave.”
Buffy dumped her spoon in the ice cream and jumped up. “I don’t know!” she exclaimed, throwing her arms up in frustration. “I’m just. . . I’m confused and I’m . . . . in shock and the coincidence just blows my mind and I don’t – know . . . “
“Buffy, do you love Spike?”
Buffy froze and stared at Faith, making like a guppy.
Faith raised a brow, “Well, do you?”
“I – I –“
“Buffy, how did you feel when you realized Spike had Doyle’s heart?”
“I wanted to see if I could feel him.”
“Doyle?”
“Yes.”
“And when you didn’t?”
“I think I – “ she started to cry, “I think I felt guilty.”
“Why?”
“Because the look on Spike’s face – he was hurt. He – I think I hurt him.”
“And that hurt you?”
“Yes.”
“But not feeling Doyle didn’t hurt you?”
“It – I – I don’t want Doyle here in that capacity. I want Doyle in a happy place – in heaven. Not because I don’t love him still, I do, but because I do love him, I want him at peace. He wouldn’t be at peace here like this. And if he were here, I’d know. He’s not. It’s his organ inside of Spike, but it’s not Doyle.”
“Do you love Spike, Buffy?” Faith asked again.
Buffy swallowed and said nothing.
Faith jumped up. “Buffy, it’s okay to say yes. Doyle knows. Maybe he planned it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, maybe he was looking down from his spot in heaven and picked Spike. Maybe he was up there watching Spike, wanting to see who got his heart, ya know? And, he liked what he saw. We did say we thought he’d like Spike. So maybe he gave things a little push.”
“Anya? Can you explain that?”
“Well, he always did have a wicked sense of humor, and, I suspected that he only put up with Anya for you, but could have done without her.”
“Sounds like Spike,” Buffy said dryly.
“See? Buffy, after you placed your hand over his heart and didn’t feel Doyle, your thoughts after were not of Doyle, but of Spike and how you might have hurt him. Buffy, you can say it. You love him.”
“I’m afraid,” Buffy admitted, on a slight whimper.
“Why?”
“Because what if saying it means Doyle somehow disappears?”
“See, Buffy, this is not about Doyle’s heart. This is about your fear of saying you love Spike.”
Buffy nodded, placing her hand over her mouth and letting out a sob.
Faith wrapped her up in her arms. “Buffy, Doyle loves you and I’m so certain that he would not want you to be alone. I’m also so certain that you will never forget him and that he will not disappear. He’d haunt you if you ever did.”
Buffy started to giggle through her tears.
“It’s okay to love Spike. Hey, who better to have permission to love the bleached wonder than Doyle’s sister?”
Both girls started to giggle and Buffy hugged her tight. “Thank you.”
“So, can you say it?”
“I – I love Spike.”
“Say it one more time. With feeling.”
“I love Spike,” Buffy said firmly.
“Now, don’t you think you should tell him that?”
Buffy nodded, “Yes, you’re right.”
“What the hell is going on in here?”
Both heads swiveled to see an annoyed looking Anya standing in the door. “You were supposed to have called, Buffy.”
Buffy sighed, “Sorry. Something came up.”
“Obviously. What’s wrong? Why are you crying?”
Buffy sighed, “You might want to sit down for this one.”