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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to my betas, Enchantress and Allison.
Disclamier - Song belongs to Michelle Branch.



Buffy's heart was pounding in her chest - she was so terribly confused. Why was Spike doing this to her? He was supposed to be taking her into his arms and telling her how much he wanted to be with her, but things didn't look to be that easy. There were steps to take, and it seemed like every time they started to take a step forward, Spike was taking one back. Didn't he want to be with her? Buffy felt sick with concern. But then again, perhaps he had something good to say. Yes, that was it. He wanted to talk to her about something good, not something bad.

"Buffy, we can't do this," Spike said as he reached for her hand, only to have Buffy pull away.

Buffy felt the hot tears come to her eyes but forced them away, not wanting to cry in front of him and display her weakness. She closed her eyes and ran a hand through her hair, asking in a small whimper that she couldn't disguise, "Why are you doing this, Spike?"

Spike took a deep breath, trying to gain an ounce of confidence. Right now, he felt more weak and pathetic than ever. He had to be strong to do what was best for Buffy, but it was proving to be very hard.

"I don't regret that kiss, love - it was incredible. You were incredible. But it shouldn't have happened. I had no right to do that to you and I did it anyway. I was reckless," Spike said, trying to stay calm and not tell her what he was really feeling.

Buffy stayed silent, letting him continue.
"You need more, Buffy, someone who can give himself to you fully. That can't be me… I'm sorry, kitten. I am, really - I'm so sorry." Spike grasped both her hands in his. "I want you to be happy, I want what's best for you."
Buffy snatched her hands from his and said, "What about what I want, Spike? I know what's good for me, and it's standing right in front of me."

Spike didn't say anything, so she continued, unable to stop the tears as she asked, "Am I not good enough? Is that why you don't wanna be with me?"

"No! God no, it's not that, sweetheart." Spike wiped her tears away. "Please just let this go, move on. Please, do it for me?"

Buffy stood her ground and said, "No, Spike, this isn't about me anymore. This is about you. You're scared of me, you're scared of what we could have, and you're scared I'll be just like Dru." Buffy saw Spike clench his jaw and look away, a furious look on his face. "I'm not her, Spike, and it's sad that you're willing to throw away everything we could have because of that stupid bitch."

"Watch it, pet," Spike said through gritted teeth.

"Are you still in love with her?" Buffy asked, afraid to know the answer, even though she was pretty sure she knew already.

Spike stared at the ground, scared to look at Buffy under her intense gaze. He saw Buffy shake her head.

"I knew it! I was nothing, huh, Spike?" Buffy's bottom lip quivered, her eyes brimming with hot tears. "Just like Harmony. A filler."

Spike shook his head and insisted, "No, that's not true, and you know it. I'm not in love with Dru - I still have love for her and will always care for her - but being in love isn't the same." Spike walked closer to her. "I would never take advantage of you - ever - and you're nothing like Harmony. But we can't be together, so just get that thought out of your head. I'm sorry for leading you on and kissing you. Like I said before, that kiss never should have happened. But I will always hold a special place for you, love."

Buffy threw her hands up in the air and yelled, "You are the most confusing person ever! You say we can't be together, but you kissed me. Make up your fucking mind! What do you want? What is it gonna take?"

"Buffy, think about it. What about all the other guys out there? I'm not half as good as most of them." Spike paused for a moment, watching the sky get dark with clouds. "You need to experience more things before you decide I'm the one you really want." As she started to back away, he said, “Buffy, wait.”

"I can't be around you right now. I don't know if I ever wanna be around you again," Buffy replied in a whisper. Spike tried to grab her, but she slipped away and was quickly gone.

"I'm only trying to keep you from getting your heart broken," Spike said as he watched her walk away, missing what she whispered back.

"You already did."

Buffy ran into the school, only to bump into Lindsey.

"Whoa there, honey, you okay?" he asked, and Buffy nodded quickly. "What were you doing outside? It looks like it's about to rain cats and dogs out there."

"I was just talking to a friend," Buffy replied quietly.

Lindsey smiled his best southern smile and said, offering her his arm, "Listen, Buffy, I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get out of here?"

She'd never ditched school before, but right now, it was awfully tempting. Buffy decided she didn't care about getting in trouble and said with a smile, ignoring the whispers from the people nearby and Harmony's nasty smirk, "I would love to, Lindsey. Where are we going?"

Of all the things I've believed in,
I just want to get it over with,
Tears form behind my eyes,
But I do not cry,
Counting the days that pass me by.

I've been searchin' deep down in my soul,
Words that I'm hearin' are starting to get old,
It feels like I'm starting all over again,
The last three years were just pretend,
And I say-

Goodbye to you,
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew,
You were the one I loved,
The one thing that I tried to hold on to.

I still get lost in your eyes,
And it seems that I can't live a day without you,
Closing my eyes,
And you chase my thoughts away,
To a place where I am blinded by the light,
But it's not right.

Goodbye to you,
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew,
You were the one I loved,
The one thing that I tried to hold on to.

And it hurts to want everything and nothing at the same time,
I want what's yours and I want what's mine,
I want you,
But I'm not giving in this time.

Goodbye to you,
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew,
You were the one I loved,
The one thing that I tried to hold on to-
Goodbye to you,
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew,
You were the one I loved,
The one thing that I tried to hold on to.

And when the stars fall I will lie awake,
You're my shooting star.





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