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Buffy had barely managed to jam her jelly-like limbs into the appropriate holes of her dress before grabbing a handy makeshift stake and nervously following Spike out of the barn and into the front yard. The little car almost lost its clutch as Slimy Antler Guy came to a screeching halt with a crunch of gears and brake, sending up clouds of dust that the humans found to be an overly dramatic choking distraction.

Through her coughs, Buffy avidly watched what Spike did, how he reacted to the sudden snake in their presence, and in doing so went against everything Giles had told her she would have learned if she’d ever opened that Slayer Handbook he’d eventually loaned her. She’d taken her eyes off the real threat, giving into the fear that with the appearance of Spike’s real love, he’d forget about her in one of her own heartbeats.

Drusilla.

And there the Queen of Whoremania—emphasis on the mania—was, perkily popping out of the car and waiting patiently for her latest oozing squeeze to uncrush his body from the sardine can his lady love had obviously slaughtered some middle aged librarian with an identity crisis to get for him.

The slimy demon seemed like he’d crushed his spine in at least three places as he huddled against the car and tried to hunker down around the clinging vine that was Dru.

Buffy finally tore her gaze away from the miserable looking Spike staring at the dirt, his jaw clenched hard and pulsing, and fully took in their company. Her assessment of the situation came to a screeching halt the second her eyes really took in the sight before them. Xander’s losing battle with his own mirth was her first clue that what she was seeing wasn’t so much an hallucination as a really warped mistake. Buffy giggled—couldn’t help it, and that was what finally forced Spike to look up and drink in the sight of his ex.

“Bloody hell, Dru,” he exploded. “You threw me out, but play dress up with this bugger?” His eyes were comically wide as he surveyed the gross demoralisation of his own look. Skin tight black jeans fairly strangled the seeping demon’s lower half while the black t-shirt was slick with slime. The black leather duster was several sizes too small and it added to the hunchback look the demon had going for him.

“What is a princess to do, Spike? My lovely has two penises. Surely you understand; I must take my pleasures where I can get them. I told you your head was filled with her.”

In amidst the zooming eyeballs to the very crowded crotch of her new lover, Buffy realised it was the first time Dru really looked at her, and the spitting declaration that she’d occupied Spike’s thoughts even when he was with the woman he’d claimed he’d love forever went much further in returning her happiness than possibly even dusting Dru could have done.

Not that she was gonna act all grateful and invite them in for tea or anything.

“Whoa,” Xander interjected, his voice betraying how obviously impressed he was. “Two penises? That’s…something I’ve never heard of actually, and please explode my eardrums so I never hear it again?” He giggled his embarrassment and took his first back step to the farmhouse’s porch and Buffy smiled at how men had no understanding of the implications of two penises.

She was actually kinda impressed. Not that she would have traded the real deal of Spike in for some oozing, wimpy looking demon with horns. No way, she was more than happy with One Penis Spike...’cause the things he could do with just that one appendage brought tears of bliss to her eyes.

“Gets the girls every time,” the proud demon affirmed and Buffy’s eyes bugged as both Spike and Xander got whiplash as they turned to her for confirmation.

“Not this girly,” she refuted and felt slightly ill at what that kind of expectation would have on a girl.

Spike turned away, mollified, until he clashed eyes with his replacement.

“Pfffft,” Spike scoffed, turning back to Dru and oozing sexual confidence. He’d had Buffy screaming almost every minute—what did he need an extra cock for? “You left me for some superficial reason like that? I could have gone and got another penis. All you bloody had to do was ask, Dru.”

He blanched at Buffy’s look of disbelieving reproach and his eyes fell to the dirt at his boots again, boyish embarrassment finding his hands shoved in pockets as he tried to work through that remark.

Buffy felt torn in two. She wanted to fling herself into his arms and tell him that she would never have thrown him over for something so selfish. It wasn’t like they didn’t make vibrators that could be a perfectly good substitute, without all the icky after mess. On the flip side, Buffy wanted to beat Spike to a pulp. Not fifteen minutes ago, she had been planted firmly and deliriously between his legs, making him writhe in the kind of pleasure that only came with sharing loving feelings.

If she’d needed any evidence that Spike was never going to, the appearance of his she-devil ex was more than enough. She’d been living in a dream world all this time—slaying demons by his side, making what she thought was love at any and every opportunity, allowing herself to become an object of derision to her friend due to her decision.

Dru was here now, on her very doorstep and while Buffy didn’t figure Spike would ask her in to the place they’d had some kind of relationship, there was nothing to stop him from trying to kill her and presenting her neck to his beloved—Chaos demon notwithstanding. Xander had the right idea. Buffy needed to distance herself, protect herself and Xander now that they had three potentially vicious killers after them. While the idea of killing Spike tore open wounds she’d thought he’d healed forever with his kiss, there was no way she was leaving Xander open to potential attack.

Buffy edged away from the unknown quantity, bumping up against Xander and nudging him back toward the house. Before they’d made it to the porch steps, Beauty came bounding down and barked up a treat, alerting Spike to their attempted escape.

“Buffy?” He frowned, and then like he’d finally gained a clue, his eyes flickered between the girl he’d been falling for while on the run from Dru’s assassination squad and the woman he’d pledged loyalty to for his eternity. “Pet?” A stone fell in his gut at her flinch and the protective way she was heading her friend off away from them. She thought he was going to turn on her, and even though the thought had never crossed his mind, he finally saw he was in one hell of a situation.

And that just made him seethe with anger. What bleeding right did these women have to tear him into a million pieces? True, he’d handed his heart to Dru so long ago and had it destroyed spectacularly as soon as their patriarch had seen fit to return to them, but Buffy had been stitching him back together with bows and shiny thread and he was closer to loving her completely than he’d ever thought possible.

There was also the point that while Dru had started up a vendetta and was trying very actively to wipe him out of existence, Buffy had laid down her stakes and taken him into her life. And the fireworks that sparked every time they touched were a pretty nifty prize too. Still, he wasn’t missing the major point here, and that was that he was happy. Buffy exasperated the hell out of him, but the bint made him happy in the way a woman was supposed to with her man—and he kind of loved the idea of taking that place in her life. If Peaches was the bigger idiot for walking away from such a treat, Spike wasn’t. This journey may have started out with him wanting to present the Slayer’s blood as a way of getting back between Dru’s silky thighs, but the idea now made him want to cut his own head off and sprinkle his dust at Buffy’s feet.

Only he hoped with all he was optimistic that that scenario wouldn’t make her as happy as it apparently would make Dru.

“Why, Dru? Just what did you think you were doing?” That part had always confused him. She was his maker and as bad as things got, he would never have pictured her as wanting to be rid of him completely.

Where once her sniffle would have had him as putty in her hands, he could see now that she was just manipulating his reactions.

“Oh, my Spike. I knew you'd take it the wrong way. Princess was only trying to have some fun.”

"Fun! Bloody fun! I got hooked up with the Slayer, Dru!" And he knew his mistake as soon as the words spurted from his mouth. Knew how easily his words had hurt with the look of betrayal on Buffy’s face. “Fuck,” he swore, infuriated that Dru had tricked him into expounding a sentiment he didn’t really feel. Not in a bad way, anyway. He was rather grateful he’d hooked up with the Slayer. “Buffy, I didn’t mean it, baby.” He reached out to take her hand, apology making his eyes shine as he worried how much damage he had to repair. “I love bein’ hooked up to you.”

Buffy’s smiling face looked hopeful as she hesitantly stepped toward him, her body shuddering with need that it was just one of those things he’d said before thinking it through—a totally typical Spike thing to do and which she usually found utterly adorable.

Dru ‘tsked’ the exchange and stepped between them impatiently. She reached out a pale and frail hand to brush faintly against his cheek, then like the conniving snake Buffy knew her to be, dived for his throat, fangs lethally bared and glinting dully in the porch’s outside floodlights.

Beauty was on her in a heartbeat, feral teeth planted painfully in her scrawny backside so that Dru leapt half a foot in the air in fright, dog dangling precariously.

“Oh, Dru! Dru.” Her slimy lover attempted to rush forward—presumably to whip the doggie off her behind—when he stumbled to his knees, his unaccustomed tight wardrobe inhibiting his usually more coordinated moves.

The incensed brunette screamed and spun in a circle, her arms flailing ineffectually to rid her ass of its bitey offender.

“Spike,” she shrieked, “get it off me.”

Spike stood with his arms crossed, a slow smile blooming on his face.

“I don’t know, luv. Can’t you take a joke?” He turned to Buffy and in the moment their eyes met he knew his place, and it was no longer at the side of someone who took his existence so lightly.

“I’ll save you, Dru, my darling.” They all stood back as Dru kept screaming and flapping at the dog on her ass and the enormous effort of the chaos demon to regain a reasonably upright stance. The coat wouldn’t let him straighten, and as he stumbled forward, Dru overbalanced and ended up impaled on his horn—and so not in a good way.

The vampire turned to him sadly, no longer worried about the teeth leaving deep marks in her butt, and smiled. “Oh, Herman,” she gasped, and then crumbled away into decorative dust.

There was a stunned silence as several minds attempted to catch up with the shock.

Xander was the first to snap out of the funk, shaking his head and acknowledging that just one more of those really freaky weird things he’d come to accept since landing at Buffy and Spike’s love nest had occurred. It was better to just accept and move on, though he was kind of worried by the look of fear that had taken over Buffy’s pretty green eyes.

In reaction, Xander did what Xander did best. Made light of a tragic situation. “Got to love those inbuilt stakes, huh? Bet that came in handy a time or two.”

Buffy shot her friend a very unappreciative look, then returned to stare at the portion of her front driveway that now lay monument to Beauty’s greatest conquest. “No way that just happened. We flashed into the Twilight Zone, didn’t we?”

“What the fuck?” Spike turned accusing eyes on the demon and flashed his fangs. “Dru dumped me for a slimy bastard called Herman?”

Time ticked.

“Nobody should be called Herman,” Buffy agreed. “Especially not a two penis slimy wooden antler chaos demon guy. That’s just worlds of wrong.” And while everyone was still rooted to the spot in shock, Buffy raced forward and grabbed hold of those antlers, giving the demon a brutal twist and smiling at the snap of his neck, before looking down at her sticky hands. “Ewwwww. That is just so wrong. And how did he get a wooden antler anyway? Was Dru a mixed up chicky, or what?”

Spike was slowly nodding, trying to acclimatise to the new world he existed in. His maker was dust, her lover was lying dead in his driveway with a broken neck, his shining light of good was beaming happily at him and her friend was watching on with admiration.

“’Spose you expect a bloke to go bury that in the backyard,” Spike asked conversationally, letting his fingers relax and search for his cigarettes. Bloody confusing day needs to be topped off with a vice or two. He looked at ecstatic Buffy and could already picture another vice he was sure he’d be partaking in before the end of the night.

“Yup,” she nodded. And then she jerked her head to the side and indicated their other little problem. “And look. Cute sexy sports car for driving home to Sunnydale in.” Or apparently not so much of one.

She looked so hopeful, so happy that Spike couldn’t say no, though he wondered how the hell she was expecting him to leave his baby behind. He certainly wasn’t going to endanger the driving world by allowing his sweet thing behind the wheel, and that left his Desoto fat out of luck.

And then the words hit him and he couldn’t help but melt.

“Home?”

She nodded, eyes uncertain but misty as she gave in to hoping for the best. “Uhuh. Is that okay?” She bit her lip, feeling all sorts of sensations pass through her body as his eyes glazed over in wonder.

“You want to take me home to mum then, pet? Show me off to your watcher?” Her acceptance was like an underline on his life, giving him a place that was his and hers together and now he knew she wanted him as more than a distraction before he’d instigated that one good day.

“Yeah, ‘cause I can see all kinds of good coming out of that. Hey Mom, come meet my vampire lover mark two. He’s the new and improved soulless variety. Invite him in so he can snack on your neck.” Xander remained oblivious to the two murderous glares shot at him, slumping forlornly back on the steps, a satiated Beauty at his feet.

“I’ll go anywhere with you, baby, but can we tie him up in the trunk?” Spike nuzzled her neck, and his strange night was complete as his girl nodded enthusiastically under his lips and the witless git realised his gaff, sulking all the more.

Looked like it was time for another road trip.

TBC





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