Chapter 15: Gone
“Do you want anything else? Coffee or tea?” Willow asked, fluttering around Buffy who was sitting on her couch, curled up with the TV on Comedy Central.
Buffy gave her friend a faint smile, “No, I’m okay Wills. You should head home, it’s getting late.”
“Are you sure?” Willow asked, concern marring her features. “’Cause I can stay over,” she broke out in a grin, “like a sleep over!”
Buffy shook her head and gave her a grateful smile, “Thanks, but no. I’ll probably just head up soon.”
‘Stopping her fussing over Buffy’s blanket, Willow looked up at her friend and not for the first time noticed not only the tiredness but the deep sadness in her eyes.
“Okay,” Willow said softly, squeezing Buffy’s hand briefly before shrugging her jacket on. “Call me tomorrow, ‘kay? Or even if you want someone to talk to tonight, though I can’t guarantee I’ll be all that coherent.”
Buffy let out a small laugh, “Go! I’ll be fine!”
Willow was almost out the door when she turned around.
“Buffy?” She looked up and Willow bit her lip, “When you want to talk…about what happened, I’m here.” Willow shut the door before Buffy could respond.
Buffy was staring up at her ceiling, unable to sleep, when a loud when a loud knock resounded throughout the house. She cautiously made her way to the door and opened it to see a disheveled Spike standing there.
Buffy blinked with shock at the sight of him.
He was panting slightly, his eyes wide. “Luv-Buffy, hear me out. I did a bloody stupid thing-”
Buffy cut him off before he could finish his sentence, her eyes regarding him coolly. “I suggest you leave before I get really violent.”
Spike paused, eyeing the petite blonde warily before speaking again. “Buffy, please, I need you to understand, I didn’t mean to-"
“Say it?” Buffy finished, her arms crossed. “You say that Spike, but I’m having a lot of trouble believing you.”
She started to close the door but Spike was desperate for something, anything just to keep her there.
“I love you!”
Buffy’s mouth dropped open slightly and she froze, her mind trying to processes the shocking words.
Shit, Spike thought, bloody fuckin’ soddin’ hell.
“Y-y-you what?” Buffy stuttered. Did he just say…?
Spike cleared his throat, “Nothing. Sorry I shouldn’t have said that…”
“I can’t believe…you just…” Buffy stopped herself and gave him a glare. “You need to leave, now.”
“No, Buffy-” Spike began, but the door slammed hard in his face, leaving him out on the porch alone.
“Fuck,” he swore, his voice thick with emotion. He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw, silently berating himself. How could he have been so stupid?
She’d trusted him with their secret, even if it shouldn’t have been one in the first place, she still had trusted him.
And he’d betrayed her.
Spike slowly walked back to his hotel. He needed to leave for now. He’d be back in time for the wedding to do the best man duties, but until then, he needed out of Sunnydale, out of anywhere that Buffy Summers lived.
And right now 3,000 miles didn’t sound far enough.
Spike checked himself out, collecting what meager belongings he had packed for his stay and heading out to his car.
He slid in and checked the gas gauge: full tank.
The engine rumbled to life and Spike pulled out of the parking lot and speeded down the highway.
He flicked his phone open and dialed his editor’s number.
“Hey mate, is that book signing in England still good?”
******************
When Buffy woke from her restless sleep the sun was just peaking over the horizon. Her mind was still reeling from Spike’s words the previous night.
He loved her.
Buffy would like to chalk it up to drunken ramblings but deep down she knew he’d been dead serious. What she couldn’t figure out is why she didn’t notice sooner, if not that he loved her than that he liked her at least, in more than a ‘just friends’ way.
Buffy shook her head, letting out a quiet harsh laugh. How oblivious she’d been to his advances, subtle but unmistakenable now that she was reflecting on their time together.
The way he’d comforted her when she needed it, the heated looks, his kindness, and that kiss he gave her the first night he’d come back. Now Buffy wasn’t all that convinced he’d been drunk at all that night. He’d just been reacting to his feelings, feelings she didn’t reciprocate.
Did she?
Buffy sighed. After last night when he’d revealed the fact they’d slept together wasn’t all that sure she wanted to have any feelings for him.
But she couldn’t deny her body’s reaction to him. The way a single touch made her shiver all over. The way his kisses affected her more than anything else she’d done with Angel or Riley.
Buffy brushed her thoughts aside. No, she told herself firmly, he’d betrayed her, she couldn’t have feelings for him after that. Not after he revealed something so personal to everyone.
With her thoughts somewhat straightened, Buffy crawled out of bed and got ready for work.
*************
Watching a plant grow would be more entertaining than this, Buffy thought, as one of the teachers droned on about exam exceptions. Again.
Buffy resisted the urge to close her eyes and instead reclined in her seat while still trying to look enthralled by the teacher’s dull speech. All of a sudden she felt a tugging on her sleeve and a slip of paper was wedged under her arm.
Buffy discretely unfolded it to see, in Faith’s messy scrawl: ’What the hell happened last night? Willow called me and left a message, said something about you and Spike? Explain, stat!’
Buffy slid the note into her pocket and hissed “later” to Faith out of the corner of her mouth.
As soon as the meeting ended, Faith yanked Buffy’s arm, dragging her to the women’s faculty bathroom.
Faith peered under the stalls, checking for others before hoisting herself up onto the counter.
“Spill.”
Buffy sighed and leaned against the bathroom wall.
“That bad, huh?” Faith asked, her face sympathetic. “Damn.”
Buffy snorted, “You don’t know the half of it.” She paused before continuing at Faith’s expectant look.
“God,” Buffy began, exhaling loudly, “Um…well…Spike said he loves me.”
Oops, she winced, that probably wasn’t the best place to start.
“What?” Faith demanded loudly, her voice echoing in the small room.
Buffy closed her eyes briefly before answering. “We’ve been hanging out a lot lately, just…I don’t know, trying to be friends. Riley hated it and that kinda pushed me toward Spike even more, and one thing led to another… I didn’t really notice, or want to notice, how he felt about me. But then, last night at the Bronze, he told everyone…” Buffy paused, avoiding Faith’s gaze.
“He told everyone about…how we slept together, on prom night,” Buffy finished in a soft whisper.
Faith stood there with a puzzled look on her face before bursting out laughing. “Good one, Summers!”
Buffy’s unchanged melancholy expression, however, immediately caused Faith to stop.
“Oh…” Faith simply said, her eyes trained on Buffy, who looked away. There was an uneasy silence as Faith tried to comprehend the situation. Never being one for tact, she asked out loud. “Why? I mean don’t get me wrong, Spike’s fuckin’ hot, but you aren’t a ‘roll in the hay’ kinda girl.”
Buffy struggled to answer Faith’s question. She didn’t really want to, but it felt good to talk to someone who wouldn’t judge her like Willow or Xander. They were too close, they’d both known her for so long, the idea of her doing something so out of character…it wasn’t something they could understand.
“I guess I was lonely,” Buffy began slowly, “we both were. It was comfort…something we needed. After he left, I just pushed it away, tried to forget about it. It worked, mostly. But when he came back…it scared the shit out of me,” Buffy let out a sharp laugh, “So I made him promise not to say anything to anyone ever about that night. And then he told them last night.”
There was another silence, but this time not quite as uncomfortable as before.
“So how do you feel about him now?” Faith’s voice was unusually quiet.
Buffy glanced at the mirror as if the answer was maybe written on her somewhere.
“I don’t know…I mean he betrayed me, but before then…I think, maybe, there might have been something there. Not even something, it was like the possibility of something. I don’t know,” Buffy’s frustration leaked into her words.
“Maybe you need to find out,” Faith suggested and Buffy balked at her words.
“No!” she shook her head vehemently, “after that episode last night, no way. All he ever does is get drunk and do stupid things, mostly which involve me being seriously hurt.”
Faith chuckled. “Well at least I now know what all that tension was between you guys in high school. Damn, it was like stepping into a friggin’ war zone!”
“Hey!” Buffy protested, “There was never anything but hatred and annoyance then…I think. And why does everyone think we were that bad, we weren’t!” she huffed, crossing her arms.
Faith squeezed her arm gently, “Yes, you were. But high school’s over, B, and you need to talk to him.”
Buffy pouted slightly, “I don’t want to.”
Faith shrugged, “You don’t have to right now, but don’t try and forget about or pretend it never happened. You did that once and it bit you in the ass.”
Buffy nodded. “Thanks Faith. I didn’t realize you can actually give good advice,” she teased.
Faith glared at her. “Watch it Summers, I can fuckin’ kick your ass from here to China.”
Buffy raised her brow, “Yeah, you can try. Come on, hopefully no one’s noticed we’ve been gone for,” she glanced at her watch and winced, “twenty minutes.”
**************
That evening, Buffy and Dawn were resting on the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table, playing poker for M&Ms.
“So,” Dawn began, drawing the word out to multiple syllables. “Anything interesting happen lately?”
Buffy regarded her sister warily, “What do you mean?”
Dawn gave her a wide-eyed innocent
expression, “Nothing! I was just wondering if anything new happened…say, with Spike?”
Buffy glared at her, “Who told you-“
“Nobody!” Dawn protested, shaking her head, “it’s just…he kinda likes you...a lot.”
Buffy sighed. “Tell me something I don’t know,” she muttered under her breath.
Dawn, hearing her, pursed her lips. “Okay then, Spike left late last night and is leaving for an extensive tour in England till the wedding.”
“What?” Buffy said loudly, almost dropping her cards. Relief and disappointment flooded her and Buffy felt a little ashamed at her relief, but at least now she had an excuse not to talk to Spike until the wedding.
“Yeah,” Dawn continued, unaware of her sister’s feelings, “he left a message on Willow’s answering machine,” Dawn paused thoughtfully, “it was weird. Willow didn’t exactly sound unhappy he was leaving early.”
Buffy swallowed nervously. “Yeah,” she lied, “that is weird.”
Suddenly the doorbell rang and Buffy jumped up, “I’ll get it!”
She swung the door open to see Riley standing there, shifting from one foot to the other uneasily.
“Riley!” she blurted out, blinking in surprise.
“I didn’t think you’d ever want to see me again,” Buffy admitted.
Riley swallowed before explaining, “I’m sorry Buffy, for everything; for being such a jerk and for walking away from you last night.”
Buffy sighed, “You weren’t the only one at fault here.”
“I know,” Riley said, but not meanly. “But I still should apologize. It wasn’t my business and I pushed.”
“Things between us haven’t been good for a while, Riley. It took me a little bit to realize that, but they’ve been falling apart,” Buffy told him gently.
Riley nodded, “Yeah, they have.” He paused before continuing. “That’s why I took the offer.”
Buffy gave him a puzzled look, “What offer?”
Riley took a deep breath, “That’s what I wanted to talk to you about last night. Dr. Walsh offered me an opportunity to work with Special Ops in South America.”
“Wow,” Buffy replied, “that’s amazing.”
“Yeah it is,” Riley began fidgeting again, “It’s for ten months and…I leave at midnight.”
Buffy froze, “As in tonight midnight?”
Riley nodded, “I wanted you to know and I wanted to ask if there was any reason I should stay, not go, I mean.”
He was giving her a choice to give their relationship a second chance, Buffy realized, but at the cost of him never being truly happy- and as much as the safety of Riley appealed to a part of her, Buffy knew she’d never be happy either.
“I think you should go, do something for you,” Buffy told him and Riley relaxed, giving her a quick smile. “Thanks.”
Buffy nodded and pulled him into a chaste hug. “Bye Riley. Make sure you do something cool like save the world from evil robots or something.”
Riley laughed, “I will. And Buffy?” he pulled back, looking straight into her eyes, “You’re a hell of a woman.”
“Thanks. Um, I’ll tell the gang…” she trailed off.
“Good,” Riley replied, “thanks.”
“Bye, Riley. Take care,” Buffy said with a nod.
“You too, Buffy,” Riley replied with a small wave as he walked towards his Jeep.
Buffy stood in the doorway until his car was out of sight and then closed the door with a click.
“Who was it?” Dawn asked from the living room over the noise of the TV.
Buffy sat down next to her, “Um, that was Riley. He’s, uh, leaving. For good.”
Dawn grew silent, “Oh. So you guys broke up?”
The realization hit Buffy squarely and she nodded, not quite sad but obviously not joyful. “Yeah, we are.”
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Author's Chapter Notes:
thanks to my beta and all the amazing reviews-I can't thank you all enough!