Chapter 22: Reaction
‘Oh god’ were the first two words that ran through Buffy’s head. Somehow she and Spike managed to stumble over to the chairs and she was propped up against it, her back uncomfortably arched forward.
“Oh,” she mumbled and ran her hand through her tangled hair. She glanced at Spike who was still sleeping. He looked peaceful, but there was this satisfied smirk on his face that irked her.
Of course he’s satisfied Summers, she told herself mockingly, you fucked him six ways to Sunday.
Buffy exhaled slowly. So this is what they meant by actions having consequences. They hadn’t even talked, not really. Hell, she didn’t even know how she felt about him, where they stood.
Good going Buffy, she scoffed at herself. A guy says a few sweet words and you jump on him like there’s no tomorrow.
She could feel her skin flushing at the memories of their couplings. They’d been hard, fast and rough; everything Buffy had professed to dislike but god it’d felt wonderful, exhilarating, freeing.
She’d felt like she didn’t need to hide anything from Spike. She could just…be.
The room suddenly felt smaller, like it was closing in on her.
She had to get out of there, she realized. She spotted her pants over by the far wall and ran over, checking the clock on her phone: 2:45pm. Willow would have unlocked the door by now, Buffy remembered. She threw her pants on, shoving the phone back in the pocket and searched for her tank top.
“It’s some where around here…” she mumbled before spying it behind the table.
She leaned over to grab it when her knee came up, smacking against the underside of the table with a loud ‘thunk’.
“Shit,” Buff hissed, nursing her knee. “Ow, ow, ow.”
“Looking for something, luv?” Spike’s sleepy voice drawled and Buffy turned to face him with a glare.
“Shut up. I’m just trying to find my top,” Buffy responded snappishly.
“Why?” Spike questioned, leering at her, “I kinda like you without it…”
Buffy snorted with disdain and pulled her tank top on. “We have to go, it’s a quarter to three and I still need to get ready,” she said shortly, zipping up her sweatshirt.
Spike eyed her warily. Her cold tone didn’t seem all that inviting and he wondered if something was wrong. She wasn’t having second thoughts was she?
“Somethin’ wrong?” Spike asked gently, sitting up, trying to find his jeans.
“Yes,” Buffy snapped. “We were supposed to be getting ready by now and I still have a lot to do. I’m the maid of honor, remember?”
“Yeah,” Spike said slowly, walking over to get his pants. “And I’m the best man. We have plenty of time, Buffy. It’ll be fine.”
“No it won’t!” Buffy half-yelled. She felt like yelling, running and crying all at the same time. She was so stupid. Why did she do this to herself? Buffy closed her eyes briefly, trying to remain calm.
“What to do you mean?” Spike prodded, “They’re the ones who locked us in here, I think they’ll let us get ready.”
“But we’re the ones who freakin’ slept together!” Buffy blurted out, her control lost.
Spike instantly straightened, his eyes cold and his face expressionless. “Oh, so that’s what this is about,” he laughed disbelievingly, “I should’ve known.”
Buffy remained silent and pulled her socks and shoes on.
“You’re regretting this aren’t you?” Spike accused, putting his black T-shirt on. “After everything I said to you…”
“Everything you said?” Buffy asked incredulously. “Spike, you just said a few sweet little words.”
“I told you I loved you!” Spike shouted.
Buffy stood up, her body rigid. “Please, you just said it get in my pants.”
As soon as the words fell from her mouth, Buffy knew they were the worst she could’ve said.
Spike stared at her, dumbfounded before speaking, his voice low and full of hurt. “When I said I love you, it wasn’t because I wanted to get in your pants. It was because of what you mean to me.”
He paused and met her eyes with a steely look. “Get out.”
Buffy knew she should apologize, say something but instead she picked up her copy of the speech and walked out, shutting the door behind her with a soft click.
She walked down the hallway towards the women’s dressing room holding back her tears. Everything had gone so wrong. Buffy hadn’t meant to panic, but the words just came out and she was pretty sure Spike would never talk to her again.
Maybe, Buffy thought, this was a good thing. She could move on and forget. Even as she thought the words, her heart sank and the tears she’d been holding at bay started to fall.
“Buffy?”
She sniffled and wiped away the stray tear on her cheek before turning around to see Willow standing there already dressed in one of the hideous radioactive green dresses.
“Oh, hey Wills,” Buffy said flatly, “Um, I’m going to go get ready. I’ll meet you downstairs soon.”
“Buffy,” Willow began, a concerned expression on her face, “is everything…okay?”
Willow had expected to see Buffy with a sheepishly happy look on her face after all the noise Cordelia had heard. Instead, Willow was fairly certain Buffy had been crying.
“Did something happen with you and Spike?” Willow ventured, reaching out to touch Buffy’s arm.
She quickly pulled away, turning her head away from her friend. “Um, I really should get dressed.” With that, Buffy spun around, walking briskly into the dressing room.
Willow stood in the hallway, confused. After a minute, she went to find Dawn who, she was pretty sure, was down stairs supervising the party planner people.
“Dawn!” Willow hissed from behind a column, trying to get her attention without alerting Anya or Hallie.
Dawn turned around and saw Willow. She quickly ran over, looking puzzled. “What’s up?”
Willow tugged the teen’s arm and led her to the coatroom. Dawn eyed the coats warily and crossed her arms. “What are we doing in the coatroom?”
“It’s about Buffy and Spike,” Willow said seriously and instantly Dawn straightened.
“What happened? Did they come out? Did they look happy?” Dawn asked eagerly.
“Wait,” Willow held her hand up. “Stop.” There was a pause and Dawn anxiously waited for Willow to explain. “I’m not so sure it went well,” Willow began carefully.
Surprisingly, Dawn just sighed. “I knew this was gonna happen. A classic Buffy move: guy gets too close for comfort and she pushes him away. She’s always done that, ever since mom and dad’s divorce. She also tends to go for men she secretly knows aren’t right for her.”
Willow nodded, knowing what Dawn was talking about. “I know. But I kinda hoped Spike would be pushy enough…”
“Yeah,” Dawn agreed, “Spike’s just as stubborn as Buffy, maybe more.”
Willow sighed, looking disappointed. “So, I guess that’s it.”
Dawn wanted to protest, say they could try to shove them together again, but if things were as bad as Willow was hinting…maybe it wasn’t meant to be.
“Okay.” Dawn said softly. “Let’s get back out there, Anya is starting to freak out again about the color scheme.”
Upstairs, Buffy was putting the finishing touches on the dress, namely the matching green shoes and necklace. She stared at her reflection and winced. Radioactive green was so not her color, Buffy decided. She pulled her hair back into a bun and placed a pretty flower clip in it.
With one last look in the mirror, she straightened the dress, rubbed a little lip-gloss on and pasted a cheerful grin on her face.
Buffy opened the door a crack and looked to see if anyone was nearby before stepping out of the room. She really didn’t feel like running into anyone else right now.
She’d almost made it to the stairs when she passed by an empty room, the door partially open. She moved closer to see Xander pacing back and forth, his brow furrowed.
“Hey Xand,” she greeted softly, stepping into the room.
He looked up, startled, and gave her a nervous grin. “Hey Buff.”
He paused, frowning, “Hey, how’d it go with Spike? Sorry, Wills and Dawn forced me to corporate.”
Buffy shrugged. She wasn’t really angry with Xander; he probably had protested the idea in the first place. And to be totally honest, she wasn’t all that mad at Dawn or Willow, they just thought they were doing what was right.
Xander, noticing her indifference to Spike’s name, nodded knowingly, “Ahh, don’t wanna talk about it.”
“Let’s just say it didn’t go to well,” Buffy said dryly, trying to sound unaffected. “So,” Buffy said, changing the subject. “Whatcha doing in here?”
“Actually…” Xander began then his face fell, “Panicking.”
Buffy let out a small laugh. “You? Panic? Never,” she teased and Xander good-naturedly swatted her in the arm.
Xander tried to laugh as well, but failed, his face turning serious. “What the hell am I doing?” he asked suddenly.
Buffy frowned. “What do you mean?”
“I mean this,” he motioned to himself and around the room. “Getting married.”
Buffy relaxed. “Don’t tell me you’re getting cold feet now?” she said with another light laugh.
Xander’s face remained serious and Buffy sobered, taking his hands in hers.
“You’re doing this because you love Anya, because you guys are perfect together,” Buffy told him.
Xander looked dubious, “I do love her, but isn’t this too soon?”
“Xander Harris, you two have been dating since freshman year of college, that’s almost four years,” Buffy reminded him.
“I know,” Xander said softly, gripping Buffy’s hands hard, “but I’m not sure we’re ready, if I’m ready. What if…I’m like my dad?”
“Xander,” Buffy said firmly, “you are nothing like your father. You’re a good man and you’d never betray or hurt Anya. Ever.”
“Thanks, Buff,” Xander said and squeezed her hands before letting go.
“You guys are perfect,” Buffy told him, “you’re able to laugh together, talk together, just be yourselves. That’s what love is, being able to just be and…” she trailed off, her eyes wide. “Oh. My. God,” she breathed, “I love him.”
“Huh?” Xander asked, confused, “Love who?”
“Oh god,” Buffy repeated, “I love him.”
“Love who?” Xander asked again then stopped. “Oh, you mean Spike?”
Buffy didn’t answer him. Shocked, she stood there, her mouth dropped open as the realization hit her. She loved Spike. That was what made her so nervous around him. She loved him.
She’d been blind sighted by her own doubt to see it. How her heart fluttered at the sight of him, the way she couldn’t stop thinking about him, the way he made her feel…like she could be simply Buffy.
Not ‘Buffy: Dawn’s big sister’, and not ‘Buffy: the girl who lost her mother’ and certainly not ‘Buffy: high-school counselor.’ She got to be herself around him.
“Buffy.”
She glanced up at Xander and he smiled, “Go tell him.”
A/N: I know---Evil cliffhanger! Don't worry-second chapter should be up tomorrow!
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Author's Chapter Notes:
thanks soo much to my beta and all the amazing reviews-you guys rock! only a couple more chapters...