Buffy let her mind drift quietly as she skipped rope alone in the library for once. It was at times like this she felt the most at peace. As well meaning as her friends and family were they were an awful amount to deal with most of the time.
Things had gotten a little better since she had ridden the bus back into her little personal hell hole. And even if they were a little less than accepting about her leaving at the beginning of the summer she wasn't going to point it out to them. Sure maybe leaving hadn't been the best idea. Okay granted it was more a reactionary response then a thought out plan but how could they blame her. Nothing after that night had been right. Besides what was she going to do once she was kicked out of her mom's and wanted by the police? Go to Giles? And even if she had would he have taken her in? And would she have wanted to put him in the position of sheltering a teenager who was wanted for murder after he had been tortured by her former boyfriend. Yeah right.
But things were looking up. Sort of.
She'd made her own mistakes of course it wasn't something she was going to deny. Hiding Angel's mysterious return from hell was not the smartest move she could have made.
But they were starting to get over it.
Thank god because if things had continued like they had after her so called welcome home party well, leaving than would probably would be a good idea.
Mostly she tried to forget that that part of her life had even occurred.
And if every once in a while her traitorous brain drifted to the events of that night she shook her head plastered that fake smile on her face and pretended things were okay. And she'd gotten pretty good at it.
But when she was alone like this well she could relax. Here without anything to worry about and a place that was quiet enough for her to concentrate on the sound of the rope whistling through the air and striking the ground before starting again.
Plus it kept her mind from drifting to topics that were so off the realm of the permit able it wasn't even funny. Occasionally they snuck up on her in the dead of night mostly after a long and tiring patrol. Thoughts that had no business being in her head. Thoughts that drove her crazy.
But in the stillness of the library or in the quiet of one of Sunnydale's many graveyards she could get a modicum of peace.
There was a rift between herself and the others. One she knew would never be totally bridged. One that her experiences had caused to widen. As much as she like and loved Willow and Xander they couldn't understand what she faced nightly not really. And the stuff that had happened the year before was too much for them to grasp.
Her relationship with Giles was strained at times. She knew that he had been disappointed in her for her trek to L.A. Knew and understood it even. But even her Watcher had no idea about the traitorous thoughts that drifted into her mind. He couldn't no matter how much he wanted to really feel what she had gone through.
All of them assumed that she had fallen into old patterns with Angel as well. They couldn't be further from the truth. True it would have been heartbreakingly simple to fall into the old routine of unrequited love but she was far beyond that now.
Not that they talked about it. Once Angel had begun to recognize the world around him once more nothing of the past year was discussed. It was buried there between them as deep as Jenny Calendar's grave and just as cold. No she had helped him out of some sense of obligation she no longer questioned. After all it was the same feeling that had led to her helping Spike.
He'd once had looked as though he wanted to discuss it but she had stopped him before the words left his mouth.
All she'd asked was that he not. And he didn't.
No now there was a quiet acceptance of each other in some ways deeper then the love they used to profess to each other constantly. Now it was a quiet and mutual respect. That was all. And if she happened to bump into him on patrol it was okay.
Today had been different however. Now with the stupid SAT scores hanging over her head she was given a ton more to think about. The not so subtle pushing by her friends her Watcher her mother and even from her former vampire boyfriend to suddenly leave her calling and try to find a life had left her on uneven footing.
It wasn't like the idea didn't tempt her.
Normal college life preparing for the outside world that was oblivious of the creatures she hunted nightly.
The question wasn't if it was what she wanted. Not anymore.
The question simply was would it be worth it?
As her scores suggested she wasn't a fool. And as much as she did like to live in denial it wasn't a choice in this instance. She knew deep down that even if she did leave the Hellmouth her calling was going to be a beacon to any passing demon. She would still have to fight for her life and possibly be endangering anyone she knew if she kept them ignorant of the things that go bump in the night.
She understood her Mother's wish that she go out and live like all the rest of the world. And in her she felt no resentment. And inside she cursed both Giles' and Angel's suggestion that it would be a good idea. They knew better than anyone just what being the Slayer meant. It wasn't something she could retire from. No matter if she was actively doing her duty or not. Such was a lesson she had learned in L.A. The only thing that would let her leave it all behind her would be her death. A death she knew she cheated with regularity. One that one night would catch up to her.
Probably a night not too far away from this one.
There were times when the thought frightened her beyond belief. To know she was destined for such a short life had at times been the stuff of nightmares.
Other times well when the guilt she tried to pretend she didn't feel overwhelmed her she thought about all the other Slayer's that had come before her. Inside she knew that in some form each of their deaths had been a sort of relief. Not that she wanted to die but she did carry a huge load of responsibility. A duty to which friends and family thought she was suited to when she knew she was not. No one saw how each decision effected her.
Perhaps that was why she never told them about Spike. Not about her healing him or even the truce they had had. Angel knew of course he was there for a lot of it, but that was covered in the year of events that didn't happen.
The other's didn't and wouldn't know. They wouldn't understand how she reached that decision or how she could let the notorious vamp go. Not to mention his psycho ho. It was the thing she tried not to think about.
Not that they would notice what she was thinking anyway. The way Xander and Willow had been so wrapped up in there significant others simultaneously made her want to hurl and scream. Both couples were driving her insane. And there insistence not to leave her out when she desperately wanted to be left out was driving her up a wall.
Such were her thoughts as the doors to the library crashed open.
She fought the urge to roll her eyes as she saw a distraught looking Cordelia come barreling in followed by Oz.
"Thank God you're here."
Buffy couldn't help the bitterness in her voice. "Yeah well not all of us have dates tonight."
"Something's up." His stoic voice couldn't hide the concern in his eyes and Buffy suppressed the urge to gag. Of course something was up. Was this not Sunnydale? Was she not enjoying a quiet moment of peace?
She followed them silently down the abandoned halls of the school until they made it to the chemistry lab. The mess that greeted them spoke volumes about what could have happened. She shook her head and turned her eyes towards the ceiling wondering how often this same scenario would continue to play out.
The questioning voices of their other halves were drowned out by the internal voice whispering in her ear to hurry. And she knew she had to. Sending them after Giles not only gave them a legitimate reason to head away from any trouble that may try to find them but it also gave her the peace she needed to think.
Moving quickly to the cage in the library she raided the weapons stash before she heard the phone ring. She knew it was just wishful thinking but she couldn't fight the surge of hope that made her run to answer it.
"Giles?"
When she heard her mother's voice she almost immediately began to tune out what she was saying while she fought her disappointment. She thought that she gave the standard yes's and agreements to whatever her mother was saying before getting ready to hang up.
However her mind was already back on the best way to track down her missing friends that was until she heard the other voice on the line.
It didn't take a genius to quickly come up with the answer of two plus two or even two plus four for that matter.
Spike was at her house. Alone with her mother and he had an invite.
She had begun running before she had even let go of the receiver of the phone.
**************
Spike had no real memory of how he had ended up at this point. Here he was sitting in the kitchen of his mortal enemy sipping on a glass of hot cocoa and spilling his heartbreak to the Slayer's mother of all people. The unreality of the scene he was participating in was just a little too much for his alcohol laden brain.
Besides it wasn't the strangest thing to ever happen to him and hell not even the strangest in this house. After the previous year there was little that should surprise him about what could happen on the hellmouth.
Thus he fought to keep from laughing at the face of his poofy grandsire as he scared the poor woman practically to death.
It was to comical for the Slayer's mum to be afraid of the locked out souled vamp then the soulless one with the open invite into her home. The faces he made from behind her back had his intoxicated brain roaring with laughter at least on the inside.
Of course it was just all fun and games until the Slayer got home.
The humor he had been feeling waned slightly with the threat of his imminent staking. Not that he could blame the Slayer for this one of course. Bloody stupid of him to invade her house and not expect a staking.
He wasn't disappointed when she burst into the kitchen.
*************
It took her only milliseconds to take in the scene in front of her. The snarling voice of her ex trapped outside by old vampiric tradition and the frightened almost hysterical ranting of her mom. Both of those things were easily dismissed for a moment as her eyes focused on the vampire standing behind her mother.
She of course couldn't see his face but judging from Angel's reactions he was making with the biting motions even if he hadn't moved any closer to her mom. The one thing she did know that he had to be drunk.
He couldn't be sober and still smell like he'd bathed in a distillery or let her walk into a room without sensing her presence.
During his brief stay at the Summer's hospice she had noticed that she could sense him individually just like she could Angel. And not only that but sooner and more defined than even her Angel sense. Buffy didn't doubt that the same was true for the master vampire.
"Yeah you and what army?" Buffy could hear not only the prideful boasting in the words but also the slight slur that drinking brought on.
"That would be me." She couldn't help the quip as it dropped from her lips at the same moment that she grabbed his arm and swung his body around.
The slight stumble he tried to hide only confirmed his lack of sobriety. She resisted the impulse to shake her head and tut at his condition. Pinning him against the kitchen island she half held him up.
"I thought I told you not to come back?"
Spike blinked at the harsh tone of the Slayer's question. Looking up into her green eyes he could read the genuine curiosity there and a sadness that seemed unconnected to his arrival. He blinked once more trying to put together his muddled thoughts.
"I go where I please."
Buffy heard the indifference in his answer but also read the pain the flooded from his gaze. He tried to mask it with snark and attitude but she saw it there just below the surface. Something she was sure she never would have noticed if she hadn't seen his eyes reflect the same last year as she came to the factory.
"Buffy let me in." The demand from the forgotten vampire stirred them both out of their thoughts.
Buffy looked up at the vampire in question before letting her eyes fall on the panicked face of her mom. Darting a quick glance back at the vampire she was holding she noticed that he had made no effort to move. Satisfied that he wasn't a threat at the moment she took in her mother's clear fear and shook her head.
"Angel I don't think that's a good idea right now." She watched his mouth open in protest before she shot an icy glare his way. There was no way he was getting an invite back into her house.
"Mom." She called to her mother softly smiling reassuringly as her mother's gaze found hers.
"It's okay mom. Angel's going to stay outside and Spike isn't moving alright?"
Spike let their conversation drone into the background for the moment instead concentrating on the few points where his and the Slayer's body were contacting. His throat and the spot on his chest were starting to warm from her body heat and the feeling mixed in with the warmth provided by the hot chocolate and how many fifths of jack he'd downed in the last day were lulling him into a state of relaxation he didn't think he could feel in a Slayer's presence.
Of course he was drunk off his ass.
Explaining to her mom exactly what was going on with the three of them was so not going to happen right this minute. Buffy knew her mom was confused hell she was too but those kind of things could wait.
The fact that Spike was here and her two friends were missing led her to some very interesting conclusions.
"Spike."
The Slayer's forceful utterance of his name made him finally snap out of his daze. His eyes glanced upwards once again to meet the startling green as her eyes narrowed. Looks like he was busted good and proper.
"Slayer." His greeting in return was met with a raised eyebrow in question.
"Where are they?" She said the words on a sigh of frustration. It was obvious he had them and she had no desire at this point to play empty games not with the suddenly furious vampire that was pacing on her lawn and certainly not with her confused mother in the room.
The jig was definitely up. Slayer wasn't such a dim bird of course no matter what he said. Like he really needed to see some test score from Mamma Slayer to figure that out. He just couldn't stop Joyce once she had started bragging about the girl's scores.
"Ah ah Slayer things don't work like that. Took the witch for a reason." Spike couldn't believe the light sound of his voice. Was he really teasing the Slayer of all people about kidnapping one of her little friends? He'd seriously lost it.
"So you do have both of them." She wasn't asking but having the blond vamp confirm her suspicions was helping her calm down from her adrenalin high she'd gotten running to the house.
Spike flinched at the reminder. He was sure he had a valid reason for taking the whelp along for the ride but he couldn't remember why. He just knew he was in the way of his getting the little witch to perform his spell.
Spell! That was it he was supposed to be getting the spell book for the witch instead of talking to the Slayer's mum.
"Buffy just dust the bastard already." The shouted command from Angel made Buffy's hackles rise. Glancing once again to her mom before looking into the suddenly lucid eyes of the vamp she was holding down. Letting out a deep sigh she looked back out the door again at the furious eyes of her ex.
Grabbing Spike by the collar she hoisted him back upright before looking up into his eyes.
"Mind if we have a word in private Spike?" She let the hostility fade from her eyes.
Spike was fascinated by the look in her eyes. She wasn't glaring at him in hatred and the look of his near imminent death was gone.
"It's your house Slayer." He said it with a little shrug and followed her when she turned and left the room.
"Mom do me a favor and close the door please." She tossed the words over her shoulder but still caught the furious sound of Angel's voice as the door clicked shut.
When they reached the living room she turned and faced him once more.
"Why did you come to my house Spike?"
Spike shrugged indifferently at the question.
"Needed a book the witch said she left it here with you."
"And my mother?"
"Just havin' a bit of a chat Slayer." He gave her a slight grin. "Your mum makes a mean cup of cocoa."
Reading the truth in his eyes Buffy fought the grin that threatened instead she asked him the most important question.
"Were you going to hurt her?"
Shaking his head in denial he suddenly felt a wave of dizziness sweep over him.
"Nah. Just killin' time is all Slayer. She was listening to me 'bout my problems is all."
She could find no duplicity in his eyes at his simple words and down deep she was inclined to believe him.
"Alright I want to know what brought you back here but first I've got to go outside and deal with Angel. Can I have your word that you're not going to do anything to hurt my mom?"
Maybe it was the alcohol but Spike couldn't help nodding vigorously in response.
"My word pet not going to do anythin' to your mum."
"C'mon you can wait in the kitchen." She didn't wait to see if he was following her but walked ahead of him wanting to talk to her mom for a minute.
"Mom." Her mother's eyes turned to hers when she walked in the room and she could see the fear still present in them.
"Buffy what the hell is going on?"
She cringed a bit at her mom's tone. No matter how many demons or monsters she slayed that demanding tone from her mother still made her feel like a little girl.
"I know things are a bit confusing right now mom but I don't have a whole lot of time to explain. Just trust me okay?" She waited for her mom to give her a reluctant nod before continuing. "I have to go deal with Angel right now maybe you could make Spike a cup of coffee see if you can't sober him up a little?"
With the suggestion her mom seemed to remember the other vampire whom she'd been treating as her guest.
"Don't think I don't know that you're trying to distract me young lady. I'll take care of Spike for now but I want an explanation as soon as possible you got it?" The finger her mother was pointing at her still shook with her nerves but Buffy got the point anyway.
"No prob mom. Just let me deal with the vamp outside first and then I'll deal with the vamp inside."
She didn't wait for her mother's reaction before she closed the kitchen door behind her.
It barely clicked shut before she was grabbed around the arms by a furious vampire.
"What the hell are you doing not staking him Buffy!" He was yelling and she cringed from the assault on her ears.
Pushing the hulking figure of her ex away from her she rubbed her now bruised arms.
"Don't tell me how to do my calling Angel. I decide who gets staked and when and frankly what the hell were you doing here anyway?"
He seemed to turn all kicked puppy dog on her all of a sudden his eyes getting bigger pleading with her to understand.
"I was just passing by."
"Passing by really in the middle of my neighborhood. Not very likely. You were checking up on me weren't you? After I left today you had to come and see where I ran off too."
"Honestly Buffy I don't know where you get these ridiculous ideas from."
"Right look Angel I kind of have other things to take care of right now so if you don't mind."
"And how could you leave him alone in the house with your mother. He's a killer Buffy I think you keep forgetting that."
She clenched her fists trying hard not to give into the impulse to punch him.
"No I never forget he's a killer Angel just like you are. Don't tell me that the soul is your key to keeping Angelus at bay. We both know better. He's got full control over his demon. If he says he's not going to hurt my mom I don't have any reason not to believe him."
"If you know that then why haven't you dusted him yet?"
"I don't have time to explain all of this to you right now. Let me take care of Spike I can handle him just fine on my own."
"Yeah you did before too. Want to explain that to me yet or are you just going to pretend it didn't happen."
"I don't owe you of all people an explanation Angel. Just leave all right? I don't have the energy to fight with you right now."
She could see the amber fighting to take over the brown in his eyes.
"No it's not over. Not nearly."
She didn't know whether to feel alarmed or relieved when he turned on his heel and walked away.
Nothing between them had ever been easy and she knew resolving this wasn't going to be a cake walk. He was angry she knew not only for showing him her distrust by not inviting him in to her house but also for her refusal to deal with Spike the way he wanted. The past just wouldn't leave them alone. And no matter how much headway they made at being friends the decisions of the previous year would always drive a rift between them.
Sighing she took a deep breath and walked back into the house.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Well here we are season three at last. I know it's been awhile since I updated but RL just interfers with my writing schedule. And of course since I work in retail and it's the silly season once again it might be awhile before I can update once more. thanks to everyone who's reviewed once again. And thanks to everyone who's still reading this fic. Thank you!!!!!!