The quiet of downtown Sunnydale was a little startling to those who were used to the other nightlife the small town offered. Even during the early morning hours past the time when even the bars closed their doors there were usually a few beings out and about. True they were rarely human but the streets were hardly ever empty.
Buffy felt like there was something a bit off more so than traveling with her current companion. It was just a little too quiet and she didn't like it.
If there was one thing that she knew for certain it was that things that were the simplest for her tended to go wrong in a really big way. Hence her wariness of traveling down the street with Spike. The little task of picking up a few magical supplies before he let her rescue her friends seemed so simple that nothing could go wrong.
And that was usually when things did.
She stole a glance at Spike. He was the most annoying of creatures true but the mute act he was pulling was driving her just as crazy as his words tended to do. Not that she really wanted to talk to him. She was all to aware of what she should do with this creature as sympathetic as she was to his obvious distress.
There really was no sane reason she could come up with that kept this vampire out of all the ones she had met before from falling victim to her stake. No reliable explanation she could give that would make sense of why even now she knew that he was going to be driving out of Sunnydale.
Ever since she had pulled his sorry ass out of that burning church she'd been confused. There was no reason it would stop now.
They had finally reached the shop and she had to brace herself for just a second as she noticed the crime scene tape in the door way.
Inside she cringed.
"More of your handiwork?" If they could the words would have dripped acid.
More blood was staining her hands as she walked in the door before turning to face the quiet vampire. She was under no illusion that this death like the hundreds and possibly the thousands before were due to her ineptitude as the Slayer. A creature made to destroy the forces of darkness and yet she was standing in the middle of a magic store going to help this thing get his love life back in order.
It was sick. It was twisted and for some reason she couldn't stop it from happening.
For his part he only gave her a brief glance at her words before looking at the list in his hand. He may have been drunk but Spike wasn't foolish enough to give the Slayer any more reason to shove a pointed piece of wood into his chest. The threat of keeping her friends alive was only going to work as long as she thought they were in danger or his actions made his immediate dusting necessary.
He was in no rush to be scattered by the winds literally.
Instead he concentrated on the list in his hand for a moment wondering if this would really work. He needed his Dru back. Everything around him had fallen to shit since she'd kicked him away. The pain tearing at his heart couldn't and wouldn't be drowned out by anything else.
The dull throb behind his eyes also reminded him that his brief respite from the overwhelming pain to a quiet ache was wearing off. He was faced with the threat of being totally sober soon and that was a scary proposition indeed.
Feeling around in his duster pockets he grimaced when he realized his flask was missing.
That meant he had no reprieve from the return of his feelings. God his unlife just sucked. He glanced over a bit at the Slayer noting that now she was trying her best to ignore him.
Buffy meanwhile was busy staring at the spot of blood on the floor. It was roughly about the size of a half dollar but knowing Spike that would have been all the blood left in the shopkeeper. Irrationally she could feel tears prick the back of her eyes. Kneeling down she crouched next to the spot wondering how life could be condensed into this small little spot. But that was what it represented.
Blood. It all came down to blood. Blood the creatures like him stole from the people she laughingly tried to protect blood they wanted to spill from her. The dark crimson fluid that meant life to all of them and yet signified nothing but death to her.
She closed her eyes trying to block this particular train of thought from her mind but as always she was unsuccessful. In her minds eyes she could imagine the way the shop keeper had looked before her final moments she could see the looks of grief on her family as they lowered her body into the ground.
One more part of her that she lost in trying to help the soulless killer here with her.
The only reason Spike turned back around at all was that the Slayer had been entirely way too quiet in the last few minutes. Well that and he was having a hard time figuring out what half the stuff on his list was. Besides what was she standing around for when she could actually be helping him.
The sight that greeted him however left him utterly speechless and for Spike that was saying something.
She was kneeling on the floor with her eyes closed. The submissive pose called to him in a way he couldn't deny and he took a few steps towards her. He took in the defeated slump of her shoulders and the way her head was bowed before realizing just how close he was now to the Slayer.
Her face was turned away from him and he stepped around her wanting to see what was so fascinating that she was staring at. When he realized what she was looking at he wanted to turn around and flee. The creature in front of him was unpredictable at best and this most blatant reminder of what he did nightly could not bode well for his constant survival. What stopped him however was the single crystalline drop that fell from her closed eye.
Now for the most part Spike knew he was a stereotypical vampire. He wasn't one to feel guilt or remorse. That was true and while he had a great capacity for love some of the softer emotions still escaped him. Sympathy and concern were just as elusive to him as the former two.
Yet staring at the tiny figure of one of the most powerful creatures he had ever crossed he could feel just those two emotions tugging at his chest.
And the feeling pissed him off.
She was the enemy plain and simple. Just because she was screwed up enough to be helping him instead of killing him was not his fault. And the fact that she was making him feel this way over something that was so inherently in his nature got his blood boiling.
"You just gonna sit there all night Slayer or you gonna help me?"
Buffy bit back the retort that settled on her tongue knowing that her words would come out shaky and uneven from all of her emotions. She was not going to give him that kind of satisfaction. Instead she made her way to her feet and snatched the list out of the vampire's hand before turning away from his unsettling gaze.
She only had to get him what he needed and then she could make sure her friends were okay before she never had to lay eyes on him again. The thought of course brought little comfort but somehow it was easier to pretend that nothing bad happened because of him when he wasn't around. Even if deep down she knew differently.
Marching to the nearest shelf she began to pull ingredients down and settle them on a nearby table.
Spike stood watching her not knowing why her silence bothered him so much. She was even getting the stuff he needed for the spell without his participation.
But underneath it all he could feel a tug of something in his heart.
He couldn't stand being around her. She sent him spinning in fifty million different directions at once and the feeling left him disorientated and moody. There was something about a being that was supposed to be your destruction keeping you alive that was totally unsettling.
The anger was the primary emotion he was willing to acknowledge and it was led to half of their confrontations.
He wasn't willing to think about the other half of the time.
Right now though he had no worries about those forbidden thoughts making their way into his consciousness. The only thing he was concentrating on was watching the Slayer gather the ingredients for the spell that he was hoping would right his world once more. As the pile of ingredients began to grow some sort of something began to gnaw at him.
It wasn't a concrete thought or feeling just something tickling the back of his senses.
Which was why he was stunned by the words that came suddenly from his mouth.
"So trouble in paradise for you and the great poof huh?"
He watched in fascination as all of her muscles tensed and she became totally still. And while he couldn't see the look on her face since her back was to him he had to believe he struck a nerve.
"Would have thought the two of you would have worked out your differences by now." Not that he knew for sure how long his Grandsire had been back among the unliving. But this was the Slayer and the Poof for crying out loud they were supposed to have this grand love affair. Star crossed lovers and all.
Her indelicate snort at his words had him confused again.
"Thought you were the type to forgive and forget Slayer?"
This time she did turn around and the anger simmering in her green eyes made him shift a little uncomfortably on his feet.
"First of all it's none of your business Spike. And secondly well it still isn't any of your business." The bottle in her hand made a loud thump as she put it on the table next to the other things.
"Come on your supposed to be one of the good guys white hat and all thought forgiveness was something the lot of you did."
"And what exactly would I be forgiving him for according to you?"
She had crossed her arms over her chest once more a position designed to make her look more distant yet gave Spike the impression that she was holding herself together.
"Well he did have his soul go walk about last time I saw him not to mention all the fresh blood he had."
He watched a delicate frost enter her eyes. "What makes you think I haven't forgiven him for any of that. Face it Spike you don't know crap about what's going on around here."
"Why don't you enlighten me then Slayer? Thought you and him were this great love and all."
The frost in her eyes turned to a hard ice.
The nerve he had. Wasn't she doing what he had demanded? Hadn't she sacrificed enough of herself this night at his threat? She'd even shown him compassion. It was a laugh really how decently she'd treated him this evening obviously it was a waste.
"Just like you and Dru are?" She let out the scathing taunt hopping it would put a stop to his questioning before it became necessary for her to use her fists. The thought of Willow and Xander was the only thing staying her hands at the moment.
Her words had the desired effect of course and she could almost see the waves of anger rolling off of him. And yes while it was dangerous enough to rile Spike up when he was sober the total unpredictability of his drunk state had her tensing in preparation for an attack.
Part of Spike knew that she was using his own pain to get him to shut up but he couldn't control his reaction to her words not that he was good at that when he wasn't drinking. The bint knew just how to push his buttons just like he knew how to push hers.
"Tread carefully Slayer." The quiet growl of her words sent a small chill down her spine. "Dru and I are forever."
The certainty in his voice raised her hackles and she couldn't help her response.
"Yeah so forever we're here so you can do a love spell on her."
He crowded close into her the amber of his demon flashing in his eyes.
"Don't spout off about things you don't comprehend little girl. Soon Dru and I'll be back together again just like we have been for the past century."
He was leaning in closer but Buffy fought her natural reaction of forcing him away from her. She was only slightly nervous about his proximity. Instead she focused on his words.
"Besides all of this is your fault, yours and the poof's."
Those words gave her the anger she needed to make her point.
"Oh yeah now you're blaming me? How very convenient for you. And just what am I have supposed to have done. Huh? It wasn't me that sent her into Angel's arms it wasn't me that turned him into Angelus. Face it Spike Dru is a manipulative cheating whore. Everything that happened between you was because of her actions. In case you've forgotten I saved your pathetic existence."
"DON'T." The command in his voice didn't faze her.
"Do you know why Angel and I aren't together Spike? Because he cheated on me. I can forgive but I will never forget that his choice that night was to take comfort in someone that wasn't me. And that choice dropped me and everyone I care about into a hell that lasted for months. Even for you. SO don't tell me that I can't say exactly how I feel about your precious Drusilla." This time she shoved him out of her face. "You want the vapid ho back that's no skin off my nose. Let's just get this over with."
She didn't even bother watching him before turning her back and looking for the next item on the list.
Her hand was outstretched towards the jar when two hands gripped her shoulders before simultaneously shoving her and spinning her around. Her back hit the shelves behind her with a rattle and she glared into the cold blue eyes in front of her.
"Don't turn your back on me little girl!"
The growl that followed his words did little but piss her off. He wasn't going to intimidate her so easily.
"What are you going to cry on me about it? Look at you! One little fight with your ho and you're a blubbering mess. Why do you think she wouldn't have anything to do with you?" Buffy grabbed the lapels of his duster before pushing him out of her face and shaking him. "Why would you want her back? She's the one who hurt you. Do you really think she cares about what happens to you? Five seconds being alone with Angel and she's boning him. Why would you want to go back to that?"
Thrusting his hands up he broke the grasp she had on his coat before stepping away from her.
"Because I love her you stupid Bitch!" The last of his shouted words ended in a pained sob before he could stop it. And he hated it. Hated that he looked so weak in front of her.
Buffy let out a long drawn out sigh.
"I know you do Spike." Her gaze softened as she took in his sorrowful eyes and his vulnerability. "I understand you know I do. But sometimes love just isn't enough."
He paced away from her gathering himself for a moment.
"You're wrong Slayer. Love is always enough. The reason you and the poof aren't together has nothing to do with love and everything to do with pride. You think his cheating on you made a mockery of you and yeah in a way that's true but you could just as easily of forgiven him and moved on. He still loves you you can see it in his beady little eyes and he's just waiting for you to give in and take him back. Just like I took Dru back before and why I will again. I may be love's bitch but at least I'm man enough to admit it."
Buffy felt her jaw going slack in amazement. How dare he dismiss her decisions in such a way? Did he think that it was that easy even dealing with Angel after everything?
"No you don't know what I think or feel Spike don't try to tell me that my forgiving him would make everything all sunshine and puppies again. You think that we aren't together because I didn't tough it out enough? How about I realized that I deserved more than a vampire that cheated on me and only loved me half heartedly."
She stepped closer to him this time getting within only a couple of steps.
"That's the difference. A love that's only one sided isn't real love at all no matter how strong the feelings are. He didn't love me enough to stay faithful to me. That's why we aren't together. We both had to be willing to fight together and he wasn't. Just like Drusilla won't." She put a hand on his shoulder the light touch no less shocking to either of them. "Every creature no matter how soulless or evil deserves that kind of love. Even you."
Taking her hand back Buffy walked back to the shelves she'd been searching through and finished finding the items on the list.
Spike knew deep in his heart that she was right. Had known for over a century just where Dru's true affections lay. But he couldn't' t acknowledge them. Not if he wanted to keep his tenuous hold on his sanity not if he wanted his world not to shatter. Instead he ignored the the truth of her words.
He also ignored the way her concerned gaze made him feel. There was no way he was going to admit even to himself how warmed he felt at the Slayer's compassion and how her words about love affected him.
Instead of all that he watched as she grabbed a paper bag from behind the register to put the items in.
Buffy put the last item in the bag and looked up at her arch nemesis. Weird to think about him as one of her most deadly adversaries while they were being so quiet. The silence between them wasn't strained at all in fact it was almost comfortable. Almost.
She knew that he probably wouldn't listen to a word she had said. Didn't mean that she didn't mean any of them though. Inside she knew that Drusilla was exactly the term she labeled her. Nothing but a whore vampire or not. She understood that Spike was still clinging to his belief that she loved him when she did anything but. It was heartbreaking to watch. It didn't matter to her that in all her time as the Slayer she had been told that demons couldn't love. Spike's existence proved them all wrong. And sure it might be a twisted desperate love now but he was a soulless creature. It couldn't be easy for him to know the difference.
Deep down where she wouldn't let anyone see she hoped that he would find someone to make him happy. Someone that would love him with the depth of emotion she could see coming from him.
Right now though she was ready to get her friends away from his evil clutches.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
hey all! I know it's been a long time between updates but RL has really got my brain in a scramble and i just can't seem to sit and focus. Just too many things to think about. I haven't given up on any of my wips though inculding the ones that I've not even posted yet. Hope some of you are still with me. Thanks for everyone who has reviewed my stuff you don't know how good it is to know your all still out there. Hopefully it won't be long between chappies again since I know where i'm going with this particular fic but i can't promise that so I won't. Thanks again to everyone and I hope to hear from you all soon.