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Chapter Thirteen

We teach people how to remember, we never teach them how to grow. ~Oscar Wilde

“Spike?” she began, shifting in his arms.

“Mmmm?”

“I’m gonna say it again—“

“What?”

“I don’t think you’re a bad person.”

He detangled himself from her arms, and smiled, “Thanks, pet.”

“That doesn’t mean, however, that I want this . . . path you’re on to continue.”

He nodded, and then looked down at the floor, resignation clear on his features. “I know.”

“I just don’t think it’s healthy – for you or your career and especially Alicia. I mean, sooner or later it’s gonna catch up with you and…I think of when you’re gone—“

“Geez, thanks, pet. You’ve already got me dead? I’m not that old am I?”

“No, I didn’t mean it to sound that way. I just mean that one day it will happen. So, you’re gone and Alicia is going to be known as William “Spike” Giles’s daughter. And one day someone is interviewing her for whatever reason and they ask her what you were like. What you were really like. What her relationship with you was. You know, kind of like they do with Lisa Marie Presley? What do you want her to say? Do you want her to say how you were a great dad that she saw once in a while? That you took her out and showed her a good time, but aside from that, you weren’t really there and she never knew how to communicate with you? Or, do you want her to say that you were a great father that she had a great relationship with, and that she could talk to you about anything?
Spike, your career will always be noted and remembered. They’ll make biographies, they’ll have reruns of your show long after you’re dead and gone, but it’s not . . . tangible. Alicia will be here long after you’re gone. She’s your daughter. She’s your legacy that you will leave behind. She’s your blood. That is more real and more sacred than anything else. She is something to be nurtured and looked after—more than the ‘legacy’ you’ll leave behind as the wild man and actor. And that has nothing to with fame; it has to do with carrying on your memory, your name. You want Alicia to look back and think of you as this wonderful man, that I know you are, that did more than just provide what was essential. Someone that she loved and admired; someone that she could go to and talk to. Right now, she has Ryan. And while I think Ryan is a great man and a great step father, you’re her father, Spike. I don’t want her to gloss over you to get to Ryan.”

He stared at her, letting out a shuddering breath, “Jesus, you know where to hit where it hurts.”

“I’m sorry—“

“No, Buffy, don’t – Please don’t apologize.”

“I guess what I’m trying to say and, being so dramatic in saying, is that the Harmony’s and the Laura’s of the world will come and go, but Alicia, will always be your daughter and that’s not something to take lightly.”

Sitting on the bed, he nodded dumbly and sat, hands folded on his lap, contemplative. “I hated the look on her face yesterday when I called her down to say goodbye to me,” he finally said.

“Yeah, that was kind of bad. If you and Sam have done well thus far of keeping her in the semi-dark with your problems regarding each other, I imagine it was hard to hear.”

“Sam isn’t that great with keeping her issues with me quiet, Buffy,” Spike snorted. “Her veiled comments will start to have impact as Alicia gets older. What was Alicia telling you in the car?”

“Do you want me to tell you or do you want to ask her yourself?”

“I want you to tell me and then I want to ask her later.”

Buffy chuckled lightly, “Okay, well, brace yourself.”

“More blows to my character? What did she tell you?”

“She told me that she has a boyfriend—“

Spike jumped up, “A boyfriend? What!?”

Buffy looked up at him, amused. “Calm down, there, killer.”

“So, does the boy who I’m going to threaten have a name?”

“Josh.”

“Josh? What the hell kind of a name is that?”

“You want to go there with the names Spike.”

He grinned cheekily, “Smart bird.”

“Thank you.”

“So, what’s the deal with this guy huh? What’s he like? How is he her boyfriend?” He paled, “God, they’re not going on dates are they?”

Buffy laughed, “No. I think Sam would have told you that at least. I don’t think Alicia knows enough about the guy. They just play together—“

“Play what?” Spike asked, his eyes narrowing.

“House. Hopscotch. And, they go on the monkey bars together. Nothing too serious. Though, she could be breaking him in early with playing house.”

“Ha bloody ha.”

“She doesn’t know too much about him except that he said ‘you’re my girlfriend’ and she said ‘okay.’ And, well, he likes Pokemon, and Harry Potter…oh, and has a Gameboy and she said he’s ‘cute’. Okay, so maybe she does know some stuff about him.”

Spike shook his head slowly, “She knows more about this snot- nosed punk at ten years of age than I knew about Harmony and I’m thirty-nine.”

“Well, I think Harmony was into Pokemon.”

Spike started to laugh, “See? That’s what I love about you, Buffy. You are the only one I know that can tear me down and then bring me up again.”

She frowned, “I don’t think I like the idea of tearing you down. That’s not what I—“

He stepped forward and placed a finger on her lips. “I didn’t mean it like that. That came out wrong. I just meant that you keep me real. You don’t let my head get too big to get out the door. You ground me.” He sighed and dropped his finger. “You know me well. You know me almost too well and I have to be honest Buffy. It scares me.”

Her eyes widened. “Why?”

“Because I don’t know that anyone really knows me.”

“Sam?”

Sitting back down beside her, he let out a heavy sigh, “Sam knew me then -- William, the ponce. The desperate guy who was looking to succeed, looking for an ‘in’. She knew a side of me, but not all of me. I’m not that same guy anymore. There’s a different me in there and it’s got some of William and more of ‘Spike’. Spike is the confidence man. It’s like Spike was always in there just clawing to get out, but William was too afraid to let that happen. So yeah, she knew William and started to see Spike. She hated Spike. Still does. The only ones that like Spike are . . . Well, you know. But, there’s still William in me, Buffy. He’s still in there, and he’s the one that takes Alicia out and the one you talk to all night –“

“No, I don’t think so.”

He looked at her, “Excuse me?”

“The man I know – you – I don’t get just one part of you. I don’t just get William and I don’t just get Spike. I get both. I don’t think you realize that, and I think, or I’d like to think, that’s because you feel safe with me? And because I, as you said, keep you grounded? So, you can give me them together. But the world gets Spike and Spike . . . he’s part of you, but he needs to be tamed a little bit I think.” She looked at him, “Do you think?”

Nodding, he reached over and took her hand in his. “Yeah, Buffy,” he said, letting out a breath of air, “I do. I really do.” He looked at her imploringly, “Will you help me?”

She smiled, “What do you think?”





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