Buffy stared at him, unmoving. "What?"
"I'm going to make you love me," he declared again, apparently proud of himself for making such a declaration.
She shook her head and moved away from him, "No, that's not going to work."
He frowned, shoulders sagging, "Why not?"
"Because for one, I already do love you--"
"As a friend! You love me as a friend," he clarified, saying it almost as if the concept disgusted him.
Buffy for her part, fell silent for a minute and then shook her head again. "I don't want you to change for me, Spike. If you're going to change, it should be for you, for Alicia, not for anyone else--"
"It is for Alicia! And me, but. . . can't I hope that you could learn to love the man that I need to be?"
"I love you now!" she exclaimed, frustrated. "Why are you saying this? Where is this coming from?" she threw up her hands. "God, we just. . . dry humped on the bed and now you're. . . and I'm not. . .and I just don't get. . . what the hell is going on?"
"Buffy, you're head is going to explode--"
"I'm well aware, thank you!"
"Calm down, luv. Why don't you sit down with me--"
"I want to take a shower. I want to get dressed. I want to get out of this room. Okay?"
He nodded, "Okay, pet, that sounds like a good idea."
"Yes, it is a good idea. So I'm gonna . . . go do that." She felt completely out of her body. She felt as if she'd went to bed in the world where she knew where things were, how they worked and what they meant, and that she'd woken up to a whole new world where she didn't know where things were, how they worked or what they meant. All she knew was that she didn't know what the hell was going on all of a sudden and her raging hormonoes and Spike seemed to be the conductors of this little trip.
"Oh God," she whimpered to the empty bathroom once the door was shut behind her.
"I think," Buffy started as soon as she sat down on the couch after the both of them had showered and met in the living room.
"No, wait," Spike said, sitting down across from her on the coffee table. "I want to tell you what I think. The stupid sod that's gotten his ass kicked over the past couple days, and has been feeling sorry for himself would like to have the floor, if you don't mind."
Pursing her lips together, she nodded her acquiescence and sat back, waiting.
He met her eyes. "I love you, Buffy. I'm in love with you. I know that right now, I'm a pathetic excuse for a man, but I know that I can be that good man you talk so much of, so highly of. I know I have it in me to be one, despite the fact that I haven't felt like much of one. It's because of you, pet. Because you see it in me, because you want it for me that I know I can be that man. I want to be. For me, for Alicia, and yes, for you. I want to be worthy of Alicia calling me 'Daddy' and I want to be worthy to one day hear the words 'I love you' tumble from your lips. Can you say that maybe you'd one day want that too?"
She took a deep breath, "No."
He looked positively crestfallen, hurt and destroyed, "Why not?"
"Spike, I ... Okay, that sounded harsh and I apologize. It's the last thing you need to hear right now."
"On the contrary, I think I might absolutely have to hear this. Why stop being brutally honest with me now, Buffy?" he said, his tone bitter.
"Because I don't like being brutal," she snapped. "I don't like to hurt you though God knows you haven't much cared if you've hurt me."
He narrowed his eyes, "When?"
"Uh, how about the first night I was here?"
"I thought we'd moved on from that--"
"No, you hurt me!" she jumped up from the couch. "You accused me of acting like a jilted lover, remember? Of being jealous?"
His eyes widened with clarity as he looked up at her. "So you ..."
"Yes, I was jealous. I hated seeing that stupid bimbo in here and you ...touching her. I was jealous okay? That does not however, have anything to do with why I want you to change. And it should not have any bearing on why you should. It's just not healthy for you. Or Alicia. Or any possible relationship you could have in the future."
His expression fell to one of resolution, "You mean like now? Like us?"
"There is no us in regards to a relationship that is not friendship."
He stood, facing her, "Right. Because of what I've done."
She averted her eyes, looking down, "Yes." Looking back up at him, she took a deep breath. "Spike, I realize that it's maybe a little contradictory to say that I know you're a great man that has a lot to offer, but that I don't want it offered to me. And it's harsh of me to say that I love you, but I don't want to have a relationship with you, that I don't want to love you as more than a friend because I'm being selfish -- I'm afraid for my heart. You're not exactly known for being trustworthy in that respect and I . . . I just can't put my heart on the line like that Spike."
"Especially not since I haven't exactly been the best of friend to you since you got here."
Sighing heavily, she replied, "That is over. I can't keep throwing it in your face, but. . . yeah, it's an example. Spike, I feel things for you, I do. But I'm not . . . " she shook her head, frustrated. "I want to be here for you. I want to continue being your friend and I want to support you in the changes you want to make. You need me, I'm here. However. I don't want to be a crutch for you. I don't want you to put feelings on me that aren't really there because you're feeling vulnerable right now--"
"Buffy, stop," Spike implored her gently. Cupping the side of her face, he gazed at her tenderly, "I'm not 'putting' any feelings on you that haven't already been there. When I say I love you it's not because I want to get you in bed or because I need you to be here or I'll fall apart. When I say I love you, it's because I love everything about you. It has nothing to do with me, it's you. Yes, you do make me laugh and smile, you do ease my troubles and yes, you do take care of me and let me be vulnerable. You let me be me. You see something in me that no one has ever seen before. You're here despite what I've done. You've seen the best and the worst of me, and you're still here. That's ... God, Buffy, how could I not love you? You are my angel. You're so pure and--"
"Stop with the angel stuff, please," Buffy pleaded softly with a slight whine.
Clearing his throat, he nodded and dropped his hand. "Buffy, you mean everything to me and I haven't shown it well. I think partly because I was so afraid of what it meant. I've never been in love before, not like this. And I love you--"
She took a shuddering breath in, "Please, stop, Spike. Please. I just . . . I can't do this right now, okay? It's...so much right now. Too much and I can't wrap my mind around it--"
"Sssh," he murmured and pulled her into an embrace. "I'll stop. I'm sorry. I'm . . . a passionate guy, I guess. I'll stop. We'll just. . . "
"Just focus on what you're going to do regarding Alicia and Sam," she said firmly.
He nodded, "Yes, let's focus on that."
Breaking away, she moved back to the couch and sat down. "So, what did you have in mind for that?"
He smiled down at her, all business Buffy was back. God, he really did love her. And, he was going to find a way to make her trust him.