To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance. ~ Oscar Wilde
Buffy felt numb. That was really the only way to describe her lack of wanting to do anything except be left alone. It was probably not conducive to the discussion she and Spike had just had, however, she felt she needed the down time to gather her thoughts and asses all that had happened that night.
"Buffy, luv, you coming to bed?" Spike asked after his shower.
Buffy looked up from the rerun of Friends to find Spike bare chested and in blue pajama bottoms.
"I think I'm gonna stay up for a bit," she told him flatly.
Spike sighed, "Buffy, why don't you come to bed? You've had a long night. We've both had a long night, and I'd really rather you not see the news --"
"Protecting me from it isn't going to make it go away."
"No, but why deal with it now? We'll deal with it tomorrow when we're rested and our heads are clearer."
"I don't want to deal with it tomorrow," she said, not caring one bit if she sounded like a petulant child. "I want to know what's happening now. I hate surprises, you know that. And I hate being made to wait and wonder. I just want to get it over with so that I'll know how to deal with it all tomorrow."
"We'll deal with it together."
"How?"
"I'm going to issue a statement to the press."
"What kind of statement?"
"That you're my girl and that what happened was misrepresentation of the fact. That Faith attacked you and you merely defended yourself.”
Buffy’s eyes widened, “You’re going to say that?”
“Why do you seem surprised?”
“I don’t – I just thought that…I don’t know.”
Cocking his head to the side, Spike studied her. “Now, I don’t believe that. Come on. Why did you think that I wouldn’t do that? We just talked about me defending you in the car.”
Buffy rolled her eyes. “Yeah, we talked about you defending me tonight.”
“Trust me; the aftermath is just as important, if not more.”
“Will it hurt you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Your career, your status. Will it hurt you?”
He stared at her, “Do you think I care about that?”
“Yes,” she said honestly.
“You think that means more to me than you?”
Buffy didn’t answer. Instead, she looked away from him.
“Buffy.”
“Hmm?”
“Look at me when you’re accusing me of not caring anything at all for you. And after everything we’ve been through! I’m not just talking about tonight either—“
Buffy jumped up from the couch and threw up her hands in exasperation. “I’m sorry! What do you expect me to think? I’m just. . . Argh! I’m so –I’m just worried okay? I’m worried about what I did to you and I’m so …fucking angry about everything that happened. Well, mostly just what happened with Faith and . . . “
“And you feel that if I was angry with you too, it’d somehow make it easier?”
“Yes! It would take some guilt away. Then, I could just get angry at you for being angry with me.”
“You just want us to be angry at each other,” he seemed confused.
“Yes!”
“Why?”
She looked away from him again.
He took a deep breath, “Oh, I get it. If we’re mad at each other, then it’d be easier for you to just leave. Is that it?”
Still, she said nothing. Spike felt as if he’d been punched in the gut. He stood there, staring at her, feeling as if the wind had been knocked out of him.
“You want to leave?” he asked hoarsely. “You want to leave me? Didn’t we just talk about this in the car about you not leaving? About you staying and us working on this together?”
“I’m a woman, I’m allowed to change my mind,” she said lightly.
“No, don’t be glib now. You want to leave me.”
“I don’t want to leave you!” she exclaimed, throwing up her hands. “I don’t. I just thought maybe deep down you wanted me to. That it’d make it easier for you after tonight. And since I hate the idea of you leaving me…”
“You thought you’d go first.”
She nodded, “I’m sorry. I’m just. . I don’t know what’s going on in my head. I just suddenly feel overwhelmed. I feel like I don’t know the moves…”
“The moves?”
“What to say, what to do. I mean, say that what happened tonight blows up into this major thing. Do I defend myself in public or say ‘no comment’? Would that incriminate me more or prove my innocence? And what will it do for you?”
“You’re thinking too much.”
She shrugged, “It’s my gift, it’s my curse.”
Spike shook his head and ran a hand through his wet, tousled curls. “Buffy, you got in a cat fight with Faith. This isn’t Watergate. You’re blowing this way up. You’re making it your life. Stop making it your life and how you’re going to be defined from here on out and how I’m going to be defined from here on out. You know what I’ve always admired most about you?”
“My penchant for knowing useless information that always enables me to win at Trivial Pursuit?”
He laughed, “No, but that is amazing to me. We should play against Sam and Ryan.”
Buffy giggled, “You’re evil.”
He shrugged, “It’s my gift, it’s my curse. And, it got you to smile.”
“That it did.”
“The thing that I’ve always admired about you Buffy is the fact that you know who you are.”
“Oh.”
“Yeah ‘oh’. All the women I’ve dated, some your age, most younger and some even older—“
“That’s happened?”
“Ha bloody ha. Can I finish?”
“Proceed.”
“Let’s just put it this way: Most of the women I’ve dated and most of the men I have known –especially in this business – have no sense of self. They don’t know who they are. They spend their lives looking for their identity, looking for ways to fit in and for ways to define themselves. Most of them look to outside sources to do it for them, never looking inwards to figure it out. I should know, I’ve done it. You know it, I know it – what about my actions have declared that I know who I am? That I do not need some trophy to define me? You, Buffy, you know who you are. You’re strong and smart and opinionated. You’ve got your feet firmly planted on the ground and once in a while you take a trip in the clouds, but you never lose sight of who you are and where you’re going. It’s absolutely amazing to me. Not to mention inspiring. You make me put my feet on the ground and you challenge me to look inside me to figure out who I am and what makes me tick. I bet you don’t even know you do that, do you?”
She shook her head; the look on her face was one of awe.
“That’s what I’ve always admired about you. It’s what I’ve always loved about you. And that is just one of the things that is going to get you through this. Who gives a bloody hell what they think? In a week, they’ll be onto something else and they’ll leave us alone.”
“Don’t let the man get you down?” Buffy chirped.
“Exactly. You have the ability to pick yourself up and dust yourself off. You don’t hide from a challenge, you face it head on.”
“Unless it has to do with relationships. Then I seem to fall apart at the seams.”
“No, that’s me,” he told her. “Remember how I’ve avoided them for so long?”
“Yeah, but over the past few hours you’ve been more adult and more ready to put yourself out there and in this relationship than I have. I’ve been ready to bail!”
“So perhaps I’ve taken on some of your traits. Buffy, do you remember when I fell apart—when I came completely unglued? You took care of me. You picked me up at a seedy bar and you took care of me. I never… I never really told you what that meant to me that you did that.”
“Spike—“
“Please?”
She nodded and gestured for him to continue.
“You could have let me rot there. You could have let me wallow in my own self-misery…you didn’t. You let me depend on you and I know that was hard for you. You don’t depend on anyone and you find it hard to understand others being dependant. But I was quite dependant on you to get through that. And it wasn’t just the fact that I was drunk. It was the fact that I had hit the lowest point and I needed something to hold on to that would help me climb out of that barrel. You let me hold onto you and I’m here, standing before you, telling you that it’s okay to lean on me now. That I’m right here by your side and I’m not going to let you fall. You’re not going through this alone and this…this is going to be fine. It’s going to pass.”
“Cause it’s not Watergate?” she said softly.
“Exactly.”
“So, this is what it’s like to be in a relationship huh? All with the give and take and the ‘you be strong this time and I’ll be strong next time’ deal.”
“I guess so. I’m kind of new at this too. Feels right though, don’t it?”
She nodded. “It does. I hear this is how it’s supposed to work.”
They looked at each other and started to laugh.
“Will you come here now so I can hold you?” Spike asked, opening his arms to her.
That was all the invitation she needed, in a flash she was in his arms enfolded in the best hug she’d ever known, feeling the safest and the most loved she’d ever felt.
“Thank you,” she murmured.
“For?”
“For making it okay for me to be weak this round.”
He smiled into her hair. “I think the fact that we know each other so well, and the fact that we’re a lot alike is going to work for us instead of against us.”
“Yes, I think you’re right.”
“Will you come to bed now?”
“Oooh…part of me still wants to see it—“
“Buffy,” he said warningly. “Please, luv, come to bed. Let’s just put this whole thing to bed for tonight okay? It’ll still be here tomorrow.”
She sighed heavily and that gave way to a yawn. “All right, you’ve persuaded me.”
“Thank you.”
Hand in hand they made their way up to Spike’s bedroom.
“Spike?”
“Hmm?”
“Do you think it’s possible that someone caught what really happened and came forward?”
“It’s a possibility.”
“But you don’t really think so.”
“I doubt it.”
“This is when it’s okay to lie to me.”
“Okay, someone might have caught what really happened and will come forward.”
“Yeah, but what are the chances of them believing that one person?”
“I thought I was lying to try and help you feel better, luv.”
“Yeah, sorry. Thanks for the effort though.”
“Anytime, pet.”
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