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Thank you so much everyone for your great reviews!
But what is the good of friendship if one cannot say exactly what one means? Anybody can say charming things and try to please and to flatter, but a true friend always says unpleasant things, and does not mind giving pain. Indeed, if he is a really true friend he prefers it, for he knows that then he is going good. ~ Oscar Wilde


“What about you?” Buffy challenged right back.

He appeared confused, “What do you mean what about me?”

“The first two questions you had for me when I came in tonight were concerning where I’d been and about why I was out with Riley. You’ve also mentioned the Riley thing a few times which leads me to believe you don’t trust me either.”

He fell silent.

“That’s what I thought,” she huffed.

“I do trust you, Buffy. I don’t necessarily trust him. Not after all the crap you’ve told me about him, besides, when my girlfriend comes home at almost three in the morning, yeah, I tend to wonder where she’s been.”

“You were jealous,” she accused. “Admit it. You thought something was going on.”

“Yes, I admit I was jealous. Just the way I am. When he shows up and tells me you went to dinner with him that sounds suspiciously like a date.”

“Yes, and when you see your boyfriend splashed all over magazines with other women, it looks suspiciously like something happened.”

“It doesn’t deter from the fact that you didn’t even bother to try and call me today, Buffy.”

“I did!”

“Once. And, you never came home to get your phone so that I could talk with you about this. You avoided me.”

“I was trying to figure things out on my own without you and your…charm.”

“Ah,” he said nodding, letting out a derisive laugh that chilled her to the bone, “So you not only believed them, but then you thought I’d charm my way out of it.”

“Your track record hasn’t exactly been the greatest, Spike,” she snapped.

“I will never be forgiven my trespasses, will I? You will always hold them against me; always use them as some way to make it all right for your mistrust of me, your doubt of me. I can never win, can I? This whole time we’ve been together, have I given you any reason to think that I would cheat on you? That I’d revert back to old ways? I have been nothing but up front and honest with you. In fact, I’ve only lied to you once when we were friends, just once, and here I am, having that instance be the model for which you judge me every time something goes wrong.”

“I’m not like you, Spike. I’m not like most people. My trust is…I don’t trust easy, I never have. I’m paranoid. I think everybody is out to get me.”

“That feels wonderful, thanks pet,” Spike said sarcastically, shaking his head and sighing.

“I’m the type of person that takes a while to warm up –“

“We’ve been friends for a long time, Buffy. Best friends in fact. You haven’t warmed up to me yet?”

“And during all that time, I got to hear how you went from one chick to the next. I got to hear about all your sexual exploits and how you moved from one to the next simply because you were bored. You forget that I’m the one you told all this stuff to. Did you think that just because you say you love me, all that stuff would be forgotten? You don’t know women very well at all do you? At least not the smart ones. Smart women remember things like that, especially when they are about to get involved with that person. You can’t tell me you wouldn’t be the same way if the tables were turned. Come on. You never went out with Faith because of her reputation – it’s the same damn thing, Spike. For the record, I never said I didn’t fully trust you. I had my reservations, yes. Pictures, Spike, pictures. You just saw Riley come by and you suspected me, I saw friggen pictures. Obviously you needed proof – confirmation from me -- that nothing was going on, and yes, I needed proof too.”

“Buffy, stop bringing in the past and Faith –“

“But they’re relevant! It has to do with now. It has to do with now and why we’re going through this. You can’t expect me to not have doubts after seeing pictures –“

“You doubted me before though, didn’t you? Those pictures just fueled those doubts. Those pictures just laid the foundation for you to point at me and say ‘A-ha! I knew it!’”

“I had my reservations, my worries. But they were my worries and I didn’t bother you with them because I knew this would happen,” Buffy told him, welling up in tears.

“Just like I didn’t want to bother you with what I did last night because I didn’t want you to feel hurt that I felt ‘housebroken.’”

“Of all the ways this could have gone…I went to Willow’s tonight to think and get my head on straight. It wasn’t working well, and I came home to call you. I could work it out a million ways in my head, but I knew I needed to talk to you and hear it from you. And you know, you told me and I believe you. If I fully didn’t trust you, I would have told you what you said was crap, and that you were just going to great lengths to cover up your mistake. But I didn’t. You told me and I believe you.”

“Of all the ways this could have gone, Buffy, you could have called me a long time ago and this, right here, wouldn’t be happening.”

“So now you’re allowed to fuck up and I’m not?”

“I fucked up before, and I’m still paying for it, aren’t I?”

Silence fell between them and they just stared at each other. Buffy was trying hard to keep the tears that were falling freely in check, and not let out a full out sob. Things had gotten from bad to almost all right, to worse. She felt as though she were facing a firing squad and Spike was her assassinator.

“Maybe I’m too fucked up to be in this relationship,” she said quietly.

“Maybe we both are,” Spike replied just as quietly.

“I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

She shook her head, “I don’t know anymore.”

“Then maybe you shouldn’t say it until you know.”

“I’m sorry,” she said, choking back a sob, “that I hurt you.”

“Are you? You made me feel…worthless.”

“You’re just as guilty for thinking so little of me, too. I am sorry. Don’t forget who was there for you and believed in you when your whole world was falling apart.”

“Look, I’m…I’m gonna go. We’re not…we’re passed the point of being constructive. We’re getting into destructive now and I don’t want either of us to say things we might regret.”

“I think that’s already been done,” Buffy murmured.

“Right. So, I’m going to leave.”

“Where are you going to go?”

“I’m going to get myself a hotel for the night – or day, as it now is.”

“And then?”

“I don’t know. For once, I just don’t know.”

“Well, you should go then,” Buffy said, trying to sound resolute, but it came off as shaky. She wanted to tell him to stay. She wanted to throw her arms around him and tell him that they could work it out, and that they just needed...something. She wanted to tell him that she was sorry, that she loved him, that she was a mess when it came to relationships and to not give up on her, but it all sounded so dumb in her head, so meaningless at this point, and all she could do was stare at him dumbly as he headed for the door.

He turned slightly, “Bye Buffy.”

It sounded so final, so done, that a lump settled in her throat and took up camp. There was a sob just ripe and waiting and she knew she was going to lose it as soon as he walked out the door. She nodded and turned away from him.

She heard the door shut and she let loose in a torrent of tears. It was a mess, it was all a mess and she wasn’t sure there was any way out of it.

This might just be the end she thought and sobbed harder as she slid to the floor and cried until she quite literally thought she’d be sick.





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