Spike didn’t quite know why he thought he’d actually be able to get some sleep once he’d secured a hotel and settled in. After so many nights of not having Buffy next to him in bed, finally, he could have her in bed with him and everything had turned into such a mess that he couldn’t.
Punching his pillow, he rolled over and turned on the TV. He needed something mindless, he needed to not think. Everything was physically exhausted – his mind, his body, his emotions – but he could not shut his mind off. He felt an ache in his chest unlike anything he’d ever felt before. This ache made him physically hurt. If he didn’t know better, he’d think he was having a heart attack. Putting his hand over his chest, he shut his eyes and repeated, It’s gonna be all right over and over in his mind until he finally passed out.
Crying took a lot out of her, and as soon as her head hit the pillow, Buffy was out like a light. She didn’t sleep for very long however, so when she finally rolled over, wanting to go back to sleep, but not being able to as that persistent ache in her chest was making it impossible, and that feeling of impending doom was upon her. It was ten, and she should have been to work by now. And for once, she could not bring herself to care. She had called before going to bed and left a message for her supervisor that she would be out that day. She didn’t even bother to come up with any good excuse; she just hadn’t had the brain capacity after Spike left to do much of anything.
The phone ringing jarred her up, and she grabbed her phone. “Hello?” she said, almost hopefully, hoping it was Spike.
“What are you doing home?” Willow.
“Spike came in last night –“
“He came in? As in he’s here in Boston?”
“Yeah, he’s here.”
“Oh Goddess! I can see why you’re not in.” Willow exclaimed excitedly. “Did you make up and have hot make-up—“
Buffy shut her eyes, not wanting to hear Willow finish that thought. “I think it might be over.”
“What?”
Buffy spilled it all; from the time Willow had left her in the morning to the time she had fallen into bed, a muddled emotional mess. She felt as if she were a large, exposed nerve that would shoot off at the slightest provocation.
“Okay, I have something to say,” Willow said, and she sounded quite serious.
“Do I want to know? Am I going to get yelled at?”
“Not sure, we’ll see. But here goes: First of all, Spike is right in a way. You can’t have a relationship where you don’t trust the other person. Second, he’s known you for how long? He should know you have trust issues.”
“Well, most of our friendship has been over the phone.”
“Not the point. You guys claim to be best friends. He knows your issues with men by now I would think. He knows you’re very protective of your heart and who you get involved with. Did he just think that because it’s him you’d just get over that? No. The whole time he’s known you, you have not been in a serious relationship, and you’ve barely dated. Not to mention the fact that during all this time you’ve been friends, he was sleeping around and telling you all about it! I love how people think that just because it’s them and the person knows them, it exempts them somehow, as if you’re just going to forget. It’s human nature. God, this girl I know at work has a list, a literal list of questions she asks a guy when she’s getting to know them. Most of those questions are for the guys she meets on the internet, but still. Among those questions is about past relationships. The only way you’re going to get a good handle on someone is by knowing about a past relationship and why and how it failed for that person. That way you can kind of pick up on things and hopefully prevent yourself from falling into the same trap. And no one wants to ever admit if they were the reason a relationship failed to due infidelity or whatnot – people aren’t dumb enough to think that would get them far. Well, some aren’t anyway. But it’s not like they might tell you the whole story, so it’s not a necessarily bad thing to keep that in the back of your mind--“
“Willow, you’re going off.”
“Damn right I am! Look, I’m not saying that you’re innocent here. You should have called him yesterday, immediately, and asked him about the pictures. Since you have been together, he really hasn’t given you any reason to doubt him in your relationship. However, it does not mean that you don’t keep the past in the back of your mind. Not to dwell on it, but just sort of keep it there. I’m not saying that every time you have a doubt about him and his fidelity, you fly off the handle and jump to conclusions, but don’t forget either. At least not until you’re more settled in this relationship and more settled in your trust of him. Trust is something earned, not just handed out. And yeah, he did lie once, and yes, he did apologize and all that, but it doesn’t make the lie any less there. However, it’s not something that should be brought up a million and ten times whenever you have an argument. Don’t argue like a woman. Not all the time anyway.”
Buffy giggled.
“I really think both of you have to give a little here. I really think that the main issue with all this is that you both just didn’t communicate properly. Really, that’s what this all comes down to. Sure he might have reacted bad at first if you said you didn’t fully trust him, but at least then you wouldn’t have had pictures come out and Riley coming over, late flights, no phone on hand, and three in the morning discussions to contend with. It all blew up way more, and emotions were running strong.”
“Yes, it does seem that they were. I felt as though my mind couldn’t process anymore and the same crap was being hashed and re-hashed.”
“And good on Spike for taking a step back and realizing that. Hopefully he’ll realize some other asinine moves and –“
“Willow!” Buffy exclaimed, giggling again.
Willow laughed, “Well! What do you expect? Just because he’s older doesn’t mean he’s wiser. And I’m not blaming him entirely here. I think you’re both at fault.”
“I do too,” Buffy said quietly. “I think part of all this is that it’s not just one of us that’s scared, but both of us. All week I’ve been thinking of moving and that’s been on my mind, so with all this… it just added to it all.”
“Right. And maybe subconsciously when you saw those pictures, you were thinking ‘well, if this is true then I don’t have to move.’ I know you don’t do change well, Buffy.”
“I don’t recall thinking that.”
“Hence the subconscious part.”
“Well, now I don’t even know if I’ll be going anywhere.”
“Maybe you shouldn’t go right away, even if you two are able to work this out.”
“Oh, please don’t say that as if we won’t, Willow!”
“Sorry. Okay, look. When you guys work this out, maybe part of the discussion should be not going out there next week, but maybe next month. The past few weeks has had a lot of things jam packed into them – your whole relationship with Spike, his whole lifestyle change, your moving – all of that has happened so fast and with barely any time to think. Ever since you’ve come back you’ve been busy with moving and with work. Why don’t you take some time and ease into this? Maybe Spike could stay for a week—“
“Alicia.”
“Okay, maybe Spike could fly her out here. She’s old enough. Kids do it all the time. Then Alicia could not only spend time with her father, but see where her future stepmother used to live and will visit.”
Buffy laughed, “Yes ma’am. I wouldn’t feel so rushed in moving too. I feel like I haven’t been able to catch my breath.”
“Because you haven’t. You and Spike were together a short time before you had to come back. The romance was over too quick and now you’re in the middle of some heavy duty relationship issues. Once you get past them, get the romance back.”
“I love you, Willow,” Buffy said fondly.
Willow chuckled, “I know you do. It’s why you’re going to not only listen to me, but you’re going to visit frequently when you do leave.”
“And you’re going to visit too!”
“Naturally. Might as well start setting up a room for me too.”
“You’re an idiot,” Randy said over the phone that morning when he rang to see how Spike was doing.
“Gee, thanks.”
“Get your ass out of bed and go over there and work this out. Christ, Spike.”
“Hey, this is not all my fault here.”
“No, you’re right, it’s not. But it’s easily fixable. You go over there, you tell her you love her and you want to work this out, and you move on.”
“You make it sound so easy,” Spike said bitterly.
“Because it is. It’s only as difficult as you make it. Yeah, relationships are work, but it doesn’t have to be all work. It’s give and take. Both of you are just new at this real relationship stuff. You’ve got to get your heads out of your asses and think straight. Try a little communication once in a while, it works wonders. Sometimes, you have to let the little things go, and other times, you have to talk them out. It’s kind of like the words to ‘The Gambler’.”
“Oh Christ, here we go.”
“’You’ve got to know when to hold em’,” Randy began, not singing though, to spare Spike at least a little, “’Know when to fold em’, know when to walk away, and know when to run. You never count your money, while you’re sitting at the table; there’ll be time enough for counting when the dealings done.’”
“Are you done?”
“I am. Look, Buffy is the best thing that’s ever happened to you. I’ve never seen you so happy, and yeah, the girls got some trust issues, but didn’t you know that already?”
“Well, yeah,” Spike said slowly.
“Right, and weren’t you, you know – a whore?”
“Randy, I pay you good money—“
“You do and you’re lucky I don’t charge for the advice I give you in your personal life, so shut up and listen to me.”
Spike clamped his mouth shut.
“You did a good thing by walking away last night. Just don’t walk away forever. You’ve both had some rest and some time. Hopefully, she’s realized what she did wrong, and I know you realize what you did wrong. Don’t put so much pressure on the girl to just automatically trust you. She knows what you’ve done and it doesn’t all just go away just because you exchange a few ‘I love you’s’. I agree, she should have called, I agree she should have had some faith in you, but it’s going to take some time to get the full faith. And let’s not forget that you were questioning her non-date with that moron.”
“Yeah, I know,” Spike grumbled.
“So, hopefully her head is out of her ass this morning, and hopefully yours is too. If not, get it out, go over there, and talk to her. Work this out.”
“Yes, sir.”
“If only it was always that way,” Randy muttered.
“Randy—“
“Let me know what happens. I’ll keep you posted on what I find out today. We’re close.”
“Good, call me immediately. I’m suing their ass.”
“Of course. Bye.”
Sighing heavily, Spike climbed out of bed and headed for the shower. Randy was right, this was fixable. This was not over.
It would never be over.