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One's real life is so often the life that one does not lead.~Oscar Wilde

"Spike, don't do something stupid," Buffy muttered as she tried desperately to keep up with a fuming Spike, who was currently storming to Sam's home with a deadly purpose.

Alicia was well ahead of them and running down her driveway, out of ear shot.

"Don't do something stupid?" he nearly barked at Buffy. "She says something like that in front of Alicia and thinks it's okay? I'm going to kill her!"

"Spike. Stop. You don't know that she did it on purpose. She could have been talking to herself and Alicia overheard or talking to Ryan and-"

Spike stopped and faced her. "Not the point. The point is my little girl thinks that I'm -"

"No. She asked you if it was you and you said it wasn't. End of story." She stepped back and studied him, wonderment passing over her features.

"What?" he snapped at her.

"You're feeling guilty."

He didn't say anything. Sure sign that it was true.

With a growl of frustration, he shook his head and started off, that was, until Buffy halted progress by grabbing his arm. She was not about to send him in there after a good day and ruin it for Alicia by him going into combat with Sam.

While she was all on board for not bad mouthing a child's parent to the child, she also knew that Sam, no matter how much she despised Spike, would not do that. Course, her barely veiled comment in front of her probably wasn't the best, either, but -- it was an accident; it had to be. Alicia loved her father, she truly did, and she just wished he spent more time with her. The little girl wanted to be able to talk to her father and tell him things - like the fact that she had a boyfriend; a testament to Buffy that kids today were growing up much too fast. But these were the things that were happening in Alicia's life and these were the things she wanted to be able to talk to her Dad about. And the only reason why Buffy knew all that was because Alicia had told her that in the car before the infamous song came on.

Buffy found it sad. Sad that she, whom Alicia barely saw, was the one other person besides her mother, that Alicia felt she could tell that too.

Spike needed that wake-up call, and, usually those wake up calls happened in a harsh and direct manner. It was just what he needed.

Thank you, Madonna.

"Don't go in there ready to go into battle with Sam. Take her aside, but don't-"

"Don't tell me how to treat Sam and handle my affairs, Buffy!"

Anger sparked within her, "That's your fucking problem, Spike. You don't know how to handle your affairs!" she hissed at him and stormed ahead of him this time.

******************

Spike's day, that had been going well when the three of them had been in their own little bubble down at the zoo, had been great. He'd had a great time and now, now he could definitely say his day had gone to shit.

There was nothing like the process of self - analysis, of having that Eureka moment of 'Wow, I've really fucked up, haven't I?' And it's different when you have that moment on your own, when you do something that you think later was not in your best interests to have done. It's quite another though, when others bring it to your attention, either directly or indirectly. When you're apparently so far gone that others feel the need to tell you you're a fuck up, there's obviously a problem. His ex-wife was one thing, but Buffy and his daughter were quite another.

And Buffy was absolutely right. He was feeling guilty. Guilty and angry about his own actions; two things he did not deal well with in accordance to his own behavior. He was also annoyed that Buffy saw right through him as she did.

Storming past her, he entered the house with Buffy hot on his heels. Sam was standing there as Alicia excitedly told her about her day and then rushed off, needing to relieve herself.

"Spike-" Buffy started.

"So, Sam, we're in the car and this song comes on," Spike started immediately, "And it's a Madonna song."

Sam stared at him, expressionless, though recognition flickered in her eyes.

"And it's basically about a loser guy that breaks his promises and lies constantly and you know what Alicia asks me? She says to me, that Mommy said Madonna must have known William and is 'William you, Daddy?'"

"She overheard me talking to Ryan-" Sam started.

"What happened to not bad mouthing me in front of our daughter?" Spike demanded.

Sam glared at him, "I just said she overheard me. I have never bad-mouthed you to her, and I wouldn't. For some bizarre reason, that little girl worships the ground you walk on."

"Gee, thanks, that's great, Sam," Spike said sarcastically.

"She thinks you can do no wrong, aside from the fact that she can't talk to you about things and barely sees you-"

"She can talk to me about anything!"

"But she doesn't, does she?" Sam snapped. "And you, you don't get temper tantrums and grades and notes home from school. You don't get parent-teacher conferences and staying up all night because she's sick, you don't get to be the heavy because you're too busy getting her whatever the hell she wants! You don't act like a parent, William; you act like a sitcom father from the 50's. You're in, you're out and the Mom gets to deal with it all."

"You never like to give her to me for more than a weekend-"

"Because you're too busy whoring around to have her more than that!"

"Don't you dare start with that shit, Sam, you just love to punish me and use anything you can as an excuse-"

"Shut up!" Buffy shouted at the top of her lungs. When she had their attention, she continued calmly, "There is a little girl that can probably hear every word you're saying right now. Now is not the time to be airing your dirty laundry."

"She's right," Sam said and turned away, flinging a dishrag in the sink. "I'm going to check on her. Buffy, call me soon, okay? William? Get out."

"I want to say goodbye to my daughter," Spike hissed. "Leesha!" he shouted through the house, "I'm leaving, baby, come say good bye to your father!"

They could hear her coming, ever so quietly. Buffy looked up at Spike to gauge his reaction to that, the knowledge that his daughter had heard them shouting. It made her glad that he and Sam had split before Leesha had been old enough to have that damage done to her.

Buffy knew what it was like having both her parents at each other's throats. Then counseling came and they were able to fix their problems. She'd grown up in a house where there had been problems, yes, but that problems could be solved. Growing up with friends whose parents had divorced, she learned that not all problems could be fixed and that saddened her. Especially now as she watched Leesha come toward Spike almost fearfully.

"Bye Daddy," she said a few feet from her father.

"Can I have a hug, baby?" he asked, his voice slightly hoarse from shouting.

She nodded and flew into his arms.

"I'll be back, okay? We'll go out and do something this weekend. Maybe you want to stay with me for a couple days? How's that sound?" Spike told her, hugging her tightly.

"Good," Alicia said, voice muffled by his jacket that she was pressed up against.

"Okay, nibblet. Have a good night."

She nodded and released him, flew to Buffy, hugged her and then ran up the stairs. It was clear that she did not want to stick around in case the yelling started again.

"Now will you please get out?" Sam asked, her tone cold.

"Gladly," Spike replied and stormed out.

Buffy looked over at Sam sadly, "I'm sorry, Sam."

Sam shook her head, and Buffy could tell that the woman was battling tears that she didn't want Spike to know about. "It's not your fault. Call me about dinner okay?"

"Sam, I-"

Sam held up her hand, halting her. "I don't know how you do it, Buffy. I just don't know," and she walked away, no doubt up to comfort her daughter.

Buffy sighed heavily and braced herself to face the storm that was Spike. "I don't know how I do it either anymore," Buffy murmured on her way out.





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