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Skepticism is the beginning of Faith. ~Oscar Wilde

"You're trembling," Spike murmured as he held Buffy tight in his arms. "Why are you trembling? It's not like it's cold."

Burying her face in his neck she mumbled, "I'm scared."

"Buffy, look at me."

"Not yet."

"Why not?"

"Cause I can't look at you yet."

He chuckled, "Why not?"

"I feel silly."

"For?"

"For being scared."

"Would it help if I said I was too?"

She froze, "Are you lying?"

"Nope."

"Not just saying that to make me feel better?"

"Nope."

"Not just saying that so I'll look at you?"

"Nope."

"Why are you scared?" she asked, still not moving her face from his neck.

"Buffy, that's starting to tickle," he said, moving slightly to push her to look at him.
No luck. She just buried her face in his shoulder instead. "Please look at me, luv. You've got nothing to be afraid of. Let's talk, baby, come on."

Pouting slightly, Buffy leaned back and finally looked up at him. "Why are you afraid?" she asked.

He grinned, cupping the side of her face with one hand, "Because I've never felt this way before and I don't want to lose you."

She sighed. "Spike. . . you. . . never? I mean. . . never?"

"Never...?"

"You've never been in love before?"

"No, I never have. You know this."

"But, I mean . . . Sam? Not even a little bit with Sam?"

He shook his head, "Nope. I cared for her, but I did not love her."

"Then, how do you know what you feel for me isn't the same thing as, you know, the caring?"

He straightened, and sighed, collecting his thoughts. How was he going to explain something that he didn't exactly have an answer to? "I reckon when you feel love for someone, you know. It's not a checklist you check off, but more of a feeling in your gut, and in your heart. There is a difference in the way I feel about you than I've felt about any woman I've been with."

"Even Harmony?"

He groaned, "Especially Harmony. There's this intensity I feel where you're concerned. I rather sometimes feel like a caveman. I have an intense desire to protect you, to keep you secreted away so that no one else can ever touch you, or have you, or hurt you. Do you have any idea how jealous I was of Angel?”

Buffy smiled, “Really?”

“I wanted to rip his limbs off and then beat him with them.”

Buffy laughed, “Angel thought you were.”

“Did he now?”

Buffy nodded, “He did. I believe he made a reference to you peeing on me once to stake your territory.”

Spike laughed, “I have to hand it to him, that’s a good one.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I was really jealous of all those women.”

Spike smiled, “So I heard you say.”

“I don’t know when it happened . . . it just did gradually over time I think. Just one day there it was, all set and ready for me to avoid, deny and repress.”

“Gee, love, thanks. You know how to make a guy feel special, you know that?”

Buffy giggled and detached herself from him, settling down on the patio chair. She looked up at him. “I don’t do well with this stuff. You know how independent I am.”

“I do,” he agreed, nodding.

“And you know that I am hesitant in engaging in a relationship with you for, you know, reasons.”

“I know that as well. I’m not exactly known for my monogamy.”

“And then you live so far away...”

“You can move. You can be a realtor here as well as in Boston. There are houses here too, you know. Big ones, just waiting to be sold.”

Nibbling on her bottom lip, Buffy stared at out at the sights. “That’s a ...lot, Spike. That’s big. Huge. Ginormous. And after a couple of shared ‘I love you’s’? That doesn’t seem realistic.”

Moving a chair so that it was facing her, Spike sat down and took her hands in his. “We’ve known each other for how long? You just said yourself that you’ve felt this way for a while now, Buffy. Well, so have I. It was there, unrealized, and now it’s realized as the thing looming over our heads all this time. It’s not just after a couple shared ‘I love you’s’. You make it sound as if it just happened when it’s been happening for a while—“

“And while it was happening, you were with half of L.A.,” Buffy blurted out, retracting her hands.

Spike sighed heavily and shook his head, “Buffy—“

“I’m sorry. Look, it’s just . . I just said ‘I love you’ which is a feat within itself as it is. Talking of life changes—“

“Isn’t falling in love with someone a life change on its own?”

“As I was saying, life changes such as moving across country is something that has to be put on hold for now. And I mean even talking about it.”

“You setting the rules now Buffy? I thought this was going to be a team effort kind of relationship, not a one-sided one,” Spike said, bitterness resonating in his tone. “I think it’s worth discussing what will happen once your vacation is up in a week and a half. It’s not like we have an extended amount of time to ignore it and then deal with it.”

“Why are you getting so upset with me?” Buffy demanded.

“I spent most of my relationship with Sam being told what to do, Buffy. It might not seem like it, but I did learn that it’s a matter of give and take in a relationship and not just one setting all the rules. I don’t think we should be scrambling around trying to figure out what you’re going to do at the end of this vacation when you have to go back.”

“I also don’t think it’s something that we have to decide right this second, or even tomorrow or next week!”

“I understand that--

“Then why are you getting so mad at me?”

“Because I’m scared!” he jumped up then, reaching for his cigarettes on the table, and lighting up. “I’m scared to lose you, I told you that. I just . . . I just got you, Buffy. I don’t want to risk you meeting some other kind of Angel bloke when you have to go back. What if you meet someone else and you decide its less work to be with them? Then there’s all the trouble that comes from dating a celebrity. If you’re out there, it’s a lot harder for me to protect you and keep you from it. Hell, being out here it’d probably be even worse. They’d hound you at work – “

“I thought you were trying to get me to stay here with you?”

Spike took a deep drag. “I am. I’m just . . . thinking out loud. You wanted to know why I was afraid, well, I’m telling you why.”

Buffy nodded, “Okay.”

Throwing his cigarette down on the floor of the balcony, and stomping it out, Spike came back over to Buffy and sat down across from her once more. “Bet you didn’t think I’d have more fears than you huh?” he asked, tossing her a nervous grin.

“Spike—“

”Can I just finish?”

She nodded, gesturing for him to continue.

“See the thing is, Buffy, you know my past with relationships. They’ve been shoddy at best. Not really real and not really much with the loyalty. I had a bad try at marriage, and for a long time the whole experience left a bad taste in my mouth. I’m not completely daft you know. I do know what a relationship takes to work, I’ve just never had to apply it is all. I’ve done a lot of taking, but not a lot of giving. With you though. . . Buffy, I want to give to you. I don’t just want to take. I want to give you everything I have, and everything I am.” He took a deep breath, “So, yeah, I’m scared. I’m scared that I’ll fuck up. I’m scared that if I do fuck up, you’ll leave me. And I’m not talking the kind of fuck up where I cheat on you. I . . .I couldn’t do that to you Buffy. You mean far too much to me. I’m afraid that you’ll meet someone else and that dating me and all that comes along with being with me, will be too much for you to want to deal with. I’m afraid that I’m so new at this, all I’ll do is stumble and fall and you’ll get tired of dealing with it ...This is new for me, this being in love, and ... God, I’m petrified.”

Buffy sat in awe at the man before her. She’d never seen him so open, so raw and so . . .vulnerable. It was amazing. It was inspiring.

“Spike, that was . . . that was so beautiful,” she breathed.

He stared at her as if she’d gone mad. “Beautiful? I just poured my guts out to you, Buffy, I wasn’t feeding you a line here, I was baring my soul here.”

“I know, and that’s what was so beautiful about it. God, I’m so envious.”

He blinked, “Are you off your bird? Why are you envious?”

“That you can do that. You know how they say that in a relationship both have something to teach the person they’re with?”

He nodded in agreement.

“You have to teach me to be so in touch like that. To communicate on such an open and raw level. I want to be able to give that kind of emotion back to you.”

“That was... that was a good thing?”

She nodded profusely.

“You don’t think I’m a complete Nancy-boy for it?”

She laughed and launched herself at him, straddling him and wrapping him up in her arms. “Not a Nancy- boy at all. That made you a man. A man can tell you how he feels and mean it. A boy can either lie to you, and to himself, or tell you what you want to hear. You spoke from the heart. You spoke from a place that is very real and not at all fake. That is what’s going to help us Spike. I have a lot to learn from you.”

He smiled broadly, “No one’s ever had a lot to learn from me before. Especially not in a relationship.”

Leaning in, Buffy kissed him softly, “Well, I guess I’m your first in many ways then.”

“Buffy,” he breathed, and devoured her mouth with his. His kisses were urgent and hungry and Buffy felt the desire pooling between her legs. She wanted him. Question was: Was it too soon to have him?





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