[Reviews - 349]
-
Table of Contents [Report This]
Microsoft Word Chapter or Story | ePub eBook Chapter or Story | Printer Chapter or Story

Has been viewed 2801 times

- Text Size +




Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks for the comments, guys. The next few chapters will be focused primarily on Spike. It's essential for the story, but we will keep up with Buffy
Chapter 10 Why We Hurt

Los Angeles

He smiled down at the young blonde in his arm. As all the previous dreams before, he was once again on the misty trail, but this time there was a girl in his arms who made the fog seem to lift and the sun peer out from behind the cloud. She was giggling, eyes dancing around and smile filling up her face.

Suddenly, it began to snow. Soft, white flakes floating down the sky slowly and teasingly. A few flecks landed on her eyelashes and impulsively, he bent down to kiss them away.

Before his lips could graze across her eyelids, she leapt out of his embrace, darting forward. She laughed and twirled in the falling snow and he reached out for her.

“I love you, Spike,” she called out to him, grinning from ear to ear. Her voice was muted in the cold air and sounded distant and far away. He couldn’t stop the smile from spreading at her words and he took a step towards her to take her in his arms. Again, she danced away, spinning out of his reach.

“Now why would you do that?” her voice ghosted around him, sounding like it was everywhere yet nowhere. She was drifting further and further as the snow fell harder and harder. He squinted, and held out his arm, trying to close the distance between them. She laughed at his attempt and turned to run further down the trail. The cold air was biting and he started to shiver. He looked up at the sky and saw that the sun was slowly making it’s way back behind the clouds. Looking back at the girl, he saw that she was beckoning him with a curled finger and he ran to catch up. She would let him chase her until he came within reaching distance, then she would skip away, playfully.

The snow came down faster and more insistent and the cold air cut through his throat, making it hard for him to breathe. The wind started to pick up and it swirled the snow everywhere. He couldn’t see her anymore. With every step that he took, the fainter she seemed until he couldn’t see her at all.

“Where are you?” he shouted out, desperately. Silence. Except for the loud, angry whistling of the wind as it raged down on the earth.

“William…” an eerie voice whispered into his ear. He whirled around and fell into blackness.

…………

“Have you ever hurt someone, William?”

The question snapped Spike back to reality and he turned to see Dr. Travers walking into the office with a clipboard in his hand. He swiftly wiped the dribble from his mouth with the back of his hand. It was apparent that he had dozed off for a few minutes before the doctor was ready for his session.

“Not sure if I understand the question, doc,” he replied. This was their fourth meeting together and Spike found himself taking a liking to the elderly man that he was starting to view as more of a counselor or a friend than a doctor. Dr. Travers took his usual seat across from him and crossed his legs.

“There’s not much to understand, William,” he chuckled and repeated himself, “have you ever hurt someone? In any way?”

“Well, I punched Peach – I mean, Angel – in the nose a few weeks ago. I’d wager that hurt quite a bit.”

“And why did you punch him in the nose?”

“He, uh,” Spike paused and took a moment to think about what brought about the punch, “he said something to piss me off, I’d reckon.”

“Something that hurt you?”

Angel was angry, “So here you go, running off again. That’s all you ever do when there’s a fucking problem. You run away and hurt everyone. Like with Buffy when – “ he didn’t get a chance to finish the sentence when a fist came flying into his face.

“Suppose so.”

“Did you punch him because of him or because of the pain he caused you?” Dr. Travers wasn’t about to let the issue slide so easily.

“What’s the difference? He was being a git, I didn’t like it, so I decked him one in the nose,” Spike was irritated and not liking the direction of the conversation. “Don’t really want to talk about it.”

“Why, because it hurts?”

“Because I don’t want to.”

“Why don’t you want to?”

“I just don’t,” Spike raised his voice, his eyes flashing dangerously. Dr. Travers sat back in his couch and nodded.

“Do you know why we hurt people, William?” he asked the blonde that was tapping his foot urgently and twisting his fingers.

“Because we don’t like them and we want to see them in pain.”

“Do you really think that?”

Spike closed his eyes. No, he didn’t really think that. Loved her with all of my heart, didn’t I? Never wanted to hurt the girl. “I don’t know. You tell me.”

“Okay, I will,” Dr. Travers folded his hand and closed his eyes. “Instinct. When someone hurts us, we hurt them back. Protection. Revenge. It’s all personal, it’s all self satisfaction. We either do it so others can feel what we’re feeling or we do it to protect ourselves. A dog gets attacked, he wants to fight back. You get punched, you fight back. Something hurts you, you hurt it. That’s one reason.”

“Is that right?” Spike raised an eyebrow. She never hurt me…

“Yes, but that’s only one reason. Remember when I said we hurt to protect ourselves? That’s not only a physical hurt. Emotional hurt. That’s the worse kind and the hardest to avoid. Yes. You’re afraid, so you lash out. The person you hurt might not even know why, but pride and personal feelings make it hard for you to explain. You can’t explain, so you hurt them. You kill them with your emotions. It’s in the head, William. You’re afraid, so you hurt someone. Self protection. As I said – all self-centered.”

“What am I afraid of?” Spike scoffed, bothered by the doctor’s words and feeling self defensive.

“Only you can know that.”

………..

New York

“Thank you so much, Giles,” Buffy said for the millionth time after dropping a suitcase in her suite in the Winchester Resident Hall, “for everything, you can’t begin to understand how much I appreciate this.”

“For the hundredth time, it’s nothing, Buffy,” Giles repeated, wiping his brow after carrying two suitcases from the taxi cab. “All I did was pull a few strings, it was nothing special. It was the very least I could do.”

Buffy gave the flustered Giles a hug. He patted her awkwardly on the head and smiled. Suddenly, the door behind them burst open and a dark haired girl fell in, arms full of boxes.

“Faith,” she gasped out, taking a moment to catch a breath. She bent down with her hands on her knees. “And you are?”

“It’s Buffy, nice to meet you,” Buffy held out her hand politely. Faith stared at it for a few seconds before reaching out to squeeze it quickly.

“Nice meeting you, too, B,” she turned around and to see a black girl walk in, rolling a simple pink luggage bag. “This is Kendra. Met her downstairs in the lobby. I guess we’re rooming together.”

“Should be fun.”

………

Los Angeles

Spike opened the door of the apartment and was greeted with a sad sight of cigarette butts thrown carelessly in random sections of the floor, staining the carpet black, empty beer bottles tossed aside, clothes strewn randomly across the entire room. He winced at the odor that wafted towards him – vomit, alcohol, smoke – not a pleasant odor. Everybody from the party the night before was gone. But they didn’t take their things with them and they didn’t bother cleaning up.

A voice coming from the bathroom caught his attention.

“You realize this can’t happen every night, right?” Angel sounded irritated and emerged from the bathroom with a bucket and a sponge. “You’re not the only one who lives here.”

“I didn’t have the party,” Spike said, his voice showing no emotion at all.

“Oh right, Drusilla had the party,” Angel sneered, throwing the sponge at his feet. Spike merely looked at it then looked away. Angel had had enough – enough of the depressed Spike that brooded around, something that he had done a lot after meeting the deranged Drusilla, enough of the drunken parties, the drugs, the stink that followed these binges of alcohol. He had enough of Spike running away from his own problems, seeking refuge with his girlfriend who only seemed to magnify everything that was wrong with him. “I’m done with this, Spike.”

“Sing me a new one, Peaches,” Spike muttered. “You can leave any time, you know. You don’t care about the band anyways.”

“Goddammit, Spike,” Angel shouted, flinging the bucket of water across the room, angrily. “It’s not about the band anymore, don’t you know that? It’s about you. It’s about you and your screwed up life, your screwed up girlfriend who fucks with your head. You and your fucking self pity.”

“You have no clue what I’ve been through,” Spike snarled, eyes narrowing on his furious friend. “You don’t know how it feels to have your insides ripped out from inside you. Sometimes what I need is a break where I don’t have to think about these things. And that’s what Dru gives me. She lets me be whatever I feel like being.”

“She gives you drugs, you idiotic son of a bitch. That’s not who you are and that’s not who you feel like being. And you did it to yourself. You let the one thing good that happened to you go… you hurt her. And now you’re paying for it.”

“I did it for you guys! The band… our futures…”

“You did it for yourself.” Angel held up his hand to stop the words that were coming out of Spike’s mouth. “You keep telling yourself that you did it for us, but you’re just trying to convince yourself. Because neither me nor Oz are convinced yet. There’s nothing in it for us. You did it for your own goddamn selfish self.”

Spike looked down at his feet and didn’t respond. Angel continued.

“I don’t know you anymore, Spike. You’re not who you used to be. Call me when he’s back, Spike.”

Angel shook his head and headed towards the exit, planning to never see his friend again. His one friend who could be happy and funny, who cared so much about life and the people around him. He had turned into something dark and it was scary. It was scary to see the life in someone drain away until the person was absolutely… nothing.

“I’m seeing someone,” Spike suddenly said, making Angel pause halfway through the door. Spike turned to face his back, “a therapist … psychologist … whatever you call them these days. Oz made me do it and I think… I think it might be helping.”

Angel turned to look Spike in the eyes. He was running his hand nervously down his blonde hair and he looked anxious and lost. He opened his mouth to say more.

“I know… I’m a bad person. Sometimes I hate myself. But – this – this isn’t me. I know there’s a part of me… somewhere that still knows who I am. Who I can be. But… I hurt. I hurt – god – I hurt everyone. I hurt the –“ he broke off with a sob and fell to his knees. Angel took a step towards him and he grabbed onto his legs.

“I’m here,” Angel kneeled down to hold his sobbing friend. “I’ll help you. I’ll help.”





You must login (register) to review.