Chapter 21 Night Lights
Los Angeles
“They put me in a soddin’ children’s center after that,” Spike scoffed, playing with his thumbs. “That lot of wankers… thought I was traumatized or some shit. Guess I was, at that. See your mother off herself and it’d be crazy if it did nothing to you, yeah?”
His voice broke apart, and he glared at the table between him and Dr. Travers, trying to keep away the tears that were blurring his vision.
“They said – “ his voice cracked and he cleared his throat, “they told me to be strong. Be a man, they said. So your mum died, who cares? Many people’s mum’s die and they don’t go blubberin’ around about it.”
Spike couldn’t help it anymore. The tears rolled down and he swatted at them, trying to make them go away.
“The other boys there with me… they laughed. They made a fucking joke out of me. They didn’t care that I saw my mother and sister die… right there… they… they didn’t … couldn’t – “ his voice trailed off and his shoulders hunched forward.
Dr. Travers listened to the man beside him sob his heart out, reduced into the little boy that he was almost a decade ago. Something inside him broke and his own face withered ever so slightly at the strong display of emotion. It wasn’t everyday he heard a confession like that… it wasn’t everyday somebody opened up like that. Throughout his career, he had always wanted a breakthrough of this sort…
And now he was glad. Because if it had happened everyday, he wouldn’t have been able to handle it. Even right now, he wasn’t sure what to do, exactly. He couldn’t cry, he couldn’t offer comfort – for there was none to give that wasn’t too late to be given, he couldn’t do anything but offer a solid wall for Spike to lean on. And maybe offer advice,… but now was not the time.
He understood now where Spike had come from. The name, the attitude, the who-gives-a-shit persona, everything about this Spike character. William had died. Maybe not at that exact moment or that exact day, but most certainly in the center where he was supposed to recover. He had never recovered. The little boy had died and in his place was someone stronger. Someone named Spike. Spike had forgotten about his mother and his Emma, but William had not. And as the years passed, Spike started to wear off, to fall away as the wind blew, leaving a vulnerable little child who had never grown up in his place.
The clock ticked on and slowly, the heaving of Spike’s shoulders died down and the breathing grew steady and less interrupted by quick uptakes in breath. He sat up slowly and took the handkerchief that Dr. Travers offered him. The doctor had remained silent the entire time and Spike was grateful for that. He didn’t think he could accept any pity offered to him.
“I’m sorry,” he said, his throat hoarse from crying.
“There is nothing to be sorry for, William,” Dr. Travers told him, gravely. Spike shook his head and held up a hand.
“No, not about that,” he said. He blew his nose into the handkerchief again then disposed of it onto the glass table on the balcony. “I’m sorry for what I’ve become.”
Dr. Travers turned to look at him and said nothing, waiting for him to continue.
“I’ve pushed everybody away, hurt so many people. I’m not a good man. I never was. I’ve completely forgotten… forgotten everything and every time I’m close to remembering… I run. I do things that I think help others, but really, I’m just protecting myself. I think I’m saving them, but it’s always been about me. I… I’m a coward. A selfish coward, and I don’t deserve - ”
“William, stop,” he was interrupted by Traver’s stern voice. “You keep blaming yourself for everything and you’ll go crazy. Yes, you haven’t been very tactful at times, but you mustn’t keep piling up a river of guilt. You’re not a dam, William. You’ll be flooded and then you’ll lose it. Now is the time to look back upon your life, see why things were the way they were, and fix them. Not regret them. Fix.”
…………
New York City
Spike would have loved this… Buffy thought as she made her way through the streams of people on the sidewalk. It was nighttime and the air had gotten chillier, making her shiver even through the thick material of her sweatshirt. The lights overhead were glistening and a mix of vibrant tunes were spouting out through the many restaurants, bars, and clubs. The honks of taxi cabs, chatter of people, clicks of heels and the opening and closing of doors all came together to create… music. New York City poetry. Spike could’ve written a rhyme about this… he would have blossomed in this city.
She couldn’t stop thinking about him. God help her, she couldn’t help wondering how he was doing, what he was doing, what he was feeling. And it had been two years already… bordering on three. She should have forgotten by now. He should have been a grinning memory of the past, long gone and shoved away in a drawer. Maybe even locked away. But, no, it wasn’t so. Somebody up there kept throwing his face in front of her again and again.
His voice kept singing in her head and every time some stranger smiled at her in the street, she saw his charismatic smirk in place. She saw his swagger everywhere, heard his accent in every voice, saw him sitting down at outside a McDonald’s holding out a can towards her…
“You okay, little lady?” the voice reached her ears and she turned around to see a thin, dirty main in a tattered leather coat, sitting on a stump outside McDonald’s, obviously trying to relive his old days. But the old days must have been expensive, because he now held out a tin can for her change.
“Yeah,” she heard herself say. The man grinned a toothy grin.
“Care to help out a fellow citizen?” he held the can up higher. Buffy dug into the pockets of her jeans and threw in some coins.
“Don’t do drugs,” she muttered. She wasn’t sure if the man heard her words or not, but if he did, he didn’t say anything.
She kept walking down the sidewalk until she reached the little restaurant two blocks down where Gabriel was supposed to meet her.
Buffy glanced at her watch. She was fifteen minutes late. Gabriel had offered again and again to walk with her, but she had declined. Why? She wasn’t sure. Maybe it was because she needed a walk. Maybe the walk might have flushed down the person who had been in so many of her thoughts recently.
But if she thought that a walk could erase his memory, she was a fool. Nothing could erase him. The pain of his betrayal was almost gone, but she still hurt. Did that even make sense? Buffy shook her head, answering her own question.
Gabriel was standing outside the Italian restaurant with his hands stuffed in his pockets and his back leaned against a brick column. Buffy had to smile when she saw him staring out of the crowd, obviously looking for her. He evoked nice feelings… feelings she hadn’t had in a long time. Happiness, mostly. He made her laugh when nobody else could – not even her roommates, Faith and Kendra.
There was so much about him that reminded her of Spike. The way he held open the door for her, the way he smiled whenever she did, the way he gave her surprises. But then again, there was a lot about him that was not like Spike.
For one, he was safe. She didn’t risk breaking her heart when she was with him. Probably, because she wasn’t in love… she wasn’t sure if she could even love again. But when she was with Gabriel… she felt comfortable. He felt like a good companion and a steady friend… somebody she could rely on. And that felt good, so she smiled as she came up behind him.
“Boo,” she whispered in his ear, tiptoeing to reach it. He jumped up, surprised and immediately relaxed into an easy smile when he saw her.
“Scared me,” he laughed, then reached out a hand to wrap around her waist and brought her close to him in a comfortable hug.
“Ooh, points for me,” Buffy giggled with him.
“And, points for me for… this..?” he asked as he drew out his other arm, holding out a beautiful single red rose in front of her. Buffy widened her eyes and smiled.
“Definitely points for romantic-guy,” she accepted the rose and stood on her toes to kiss his cheek.
Gabriel smiled happily as they walked into the restaurant arm in arm.
…………
“Sooo… “ Faith grinned and flipped on the light by her nightstand the second Buffy silently tiptoed through the door.
“Damnit,” Buffy muttered to herself, her hand still on the doorknob, “You’re still up?”
“Pftt… was asleep until your noisy ass sashayed into the room,” Faith rolled her eyes and sat up in her bed. “Come on, you’re not getting out of this one, B. Tell me every single detail… even the dirty ones.”
“There was nothing dirty- “ Buffy protested, only to be interrupted by an extra loud snore from Kendra.
Kendra rolled around and eyed her two roommates warily. “Do you people have to make such noise? Some like to sleep in the night, if you don’t mind…”
“Aw, c’mon sleepyhead,” Faith playfully tossed a pillow at an annoyed Kendra, who blocked it off with a tired flair of the arm, “don’t you wanna hear about Miss Buffy’s hot date?”
“No, I’d rather sleep,” Kendra yawned, but sat up anyways. Faith earned another glare from Buffy.
“It was… fun,” Buffy shrugged, pulling off her sweatshirt and unbuttoned her jeans as she walked to the closet to change into shorts.
“That’s all?” Faith asked, incredulously, “’fun’? Not ‘hot’? Not sexy, steaming, romantic – “
“It was fun. And nice,” Buffy went on, ignoring her. “He’s a nice guy and I like him.”
Faith rolled her eyes and Kendra groaned.
“Told you nothing fun to hear about,” Kendra grumbled, then pulled the covers over her face as she slid back down to sleep. Faith shook her head.
“Yeah, you like him…” Faith said slowly, raising an eyebrow, “just not in that mind-blowing, sex-having, hot-getting kind of way? You mean he didn’t get under your skin and just make you wanna pop?”
“Please… stop with the graphics,” Buffy cringed, emerging from the closet in her pajamas. “Anyways. Had that kind of feeling once… didn’t go so well for me.”
“Aw, B,… don’t let one bad experience get you down, girl.”
“Trust me… this wasn’t just one bad experience,” Buffy climbed into bed and pulled the covers over her head, turning away from Faith as Kendra had done a few minutes before. “Good night.”
Faith looked at the two lumps next to her who were trying to sleep and sighed.
“You guys are no fun.”
Then she flipped the light switch off and all was dark again. Faith let her mind wander off to thinking about Buffy. She was disappointed that Buffy still hadn’t been able to open up to her completely and tell her exactly what happened. All she got was that there had been a bad relationship, he left, she was sad, and that was it. The girl was obviously hurting still. Faith had hoped this Gabriel person would be the right one to get her roommate to start smiling more, but it seemed like that plan had not worked as well as she had expected… well…
“Hey, B,… if he didn’t work for you… you think I can have a go with him?”
The only answer she got was a pillow hitting the side of her face.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks for the continuous support, guys... It's really helped me get through this story... just hold on a little bit more and our two favorite characters'll meet again.