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Author's Chapter Notes:
thanks thanks thanks for the reviews. your reactions to spike's behavior was great - exactly what i was hoping for. it'll get better, promise!
Chapter 7 Love and Betrayal

”…my song, my muse, my love. I love you, Drusilla”

The world went black.

Flashback – “Let me show you how much I love you”

Buffy sat on the edge of his bed, watching him pack his bags. She sighed, knowing that in a week, he’d be gone. Pushing the thought to the back of her mind, she went through the events of the past evening. Spike had gone out of his way to prove himself for what seemed to be the millionth time that he was the greatest, absolute perfectest man that ever lived. Smiling softly, she remembered how he had held her in the veranda of Sunnydale’s most romantic restaurant and whispered promises in her ear.

Spike turned from the closet with a armful of clothes and caught Buffy’s dreamy stare. I can’t believe she’s mine… all mine he thought to himself as he lost himself in her beauty once more. Setting the clothing aside, he made his way to her side and wrapped ran a finger gently down her jawline. He leaned closer until their faces were centimeters apart. At his touch, she closed her eyes and relaxed into him.

“What are you thinking about, love?” he whispered in her ear and kissed her earlobe. She smelled of faint vanilla and strawberries – a scent that he had grown to know and love more than anything in the world. She shifted her body around until her legs were wrapped around his waist.

“You,” she smiled into the hollow of his cheeks and gently dropped a kiss there. “You, and how much I love you.”

Spike felt the excitement and thrill in his heart start to tingle and warm his entire body when he heard her words.

“Just think, pet,” he cupped her cheeks and brought her forehead to rest on his own. “You and me… we’ll explore the whole world. Anywhere your heart desires. Just name it and I’ll bring it to you.”

Buffy’s heart skipped a beat as it always did whenever he talked about their future. “First we’ll go to London,” she kissed his lips lightly. “I want to see the place where they grow guys like you.” Spike frowned at her teasing and she giggled. “And then, we’ll go to Egypt and we can run around in the pyramids, then we’ll go to China so I can learn how to fly on trees. There’s always Italy… I can eat spaghetti to my heart’s desi-“

Her surprised squeak was muffled when Spike’s lips suddenly descended to hers, shutting her up. She closed her eyes and melted into him, enjoying the shivers that took over her body, amazed that he still could still do that to her ever since their first kiss. His lips played with hers, gently, slowly, taking their time and exploring as if it were the first time they had met. She opened her mouth, inviting him in, but his tongue traveled lazily as if it had all the time in the world, dancing here and there until they were both hungry for more.

Buffy pulled away first, panting, having been caught in mid-sentence and not really prepared. “God, you’re so…” she attacked him, pushing him backwards onto the bed. There was no playing this time, no dancing or fooling around. Their kiss was heated and full of passion that they couldn’t get enough of. Each time their tongue slid against each other, they delved in for more and more, wanting to get closer and closer.

This time it was Spike who broke the contact. He gazed at her, amazed at the angel in front of him. He gently pulled her head down and traced her jawline with his tongue, nipping and kissing down her throat to her collarbone.

“I love you, Buffy,” he said into the crook of her neck. In an instant, he had her flipped under him and continued showering her with light kisses. “You’re with me every second, you know that? Everywhere I look, it’s you. I look into my future and I see you, you’re in all my bloody dreams, all the time. I’m drowning in you, Summers, I’m drowning in you.”

His words left her breathless and she pulled his head towards hers, her lips seeking his. She couldn’t stop the tears that she had been holding back fall down her face. Spike saw the wet trail glistening down her cheeks and he kissed them, tasting the salt of her tears.

“Don’t cry, baby,” he nuzzled her, “please don’t cry.” She hiccupped and smiled sadly at him.

“I’m sorry,” she whispered as he kissed both her eyelids. “It just finally hit me that… I might not see you for over a month.”

“Shh… don’t worry, love,” he comforted her. “I’ll be in L.A. most of the time, and you can visit every weekend. And when we tour, I’ll send you postcards, you can call, write,… then when I come back it’ll be like I never left.”

But they both knew that he was wrong. They both knew that the distance would be unbearable.

“What if you meet someone? You’ll have groupies wherever you go … you’ll never want to come back to lil’ old me,” she crinkled up her nose as if the thought disgusted her. Spike pulled away suddenly and looked surprised, if not a little angry.

“Is that how you think of me, Buffy?” he spit out at her, bitter. Relieved at his violent reaction, she propped herself up on her elbows to close the space between them.

“Sorry,” she kissed his nose, “I just don’t think I’m used to the idea that you actually love me.”

Spike relaxed and rolled to the side, pulling her against his chest. “How can I not love you? You’re my bloody world, you are. Beautiful, talented, amazing, smart – “

Buffy lightly smacked his chest, “Oh please. Don’t make me blush.” She giggled. He growled and moved until he was crouching over her, hands on the bed, trapping her between his arms.

“Let me show you how much I love you…” he teased. She laughed at this and swiftly lifted her head to kiss him. His eyes slowly lost their teasing gleam and grew sober and serious. “Buffy… please?”

Her breath caught in her throat when she looked up to see his eyes dark with love, lust, desire.

“I never – “

“I know.” He hushed her with a soft, gentle kiss. “We don’t have to if you don’t want to.” He continued to kiss her without pressuring her and impressing upon her his apparent need. Buffy closed her eyes and she realized that she did want to. They had never been intimate together, though she always wondered what it’d be like. He had never pressured her into anything, either, and that made her love him even more. Pushing him gently away, she took a deep breath and looked into his eyes.

“I want to”

Stunned at her unexpected words, Spike suddenly felt light-headed and his heart soared. He couldn’t contain his ecstatic grin and decided that this… right then… would be a memory that would be etched out in his mind forever. He would forever remember the innocent angel looking up at him with the yearning and the promise in her eyes.

“You’re sure?” he couldn’t believe he was questioning her, but he wanted her to be certain. No regrets.

“Uh huh,” she nodded. “I want you.”

“Oh, baby,” he nuzzled her neck. “You don’t know how happy that makes me. Happy you make me. I’m gonna make this so good for you… just wait.”

She was suddenly nervous… Oh God, this is really happening… She was excited.. her entire body quivering in anticipation.

Spike decided he’d go slow even though he wanted to just rip all her clothing off and have his wicked way with her. He had to make her first time memorable and treat her like the princess she was. His hands slowly ran down her sides and he felt her shiver against them as he whispered nonsense into her ear. They stopped at the edge of her shirt and slowly slipped under it. Her skin felt hot as he slowly lifted her shirt up, following them with light kisses.

Buffy couldn’t contain the sensory overload that his hands were bringing her. She kept her hands at her sides, but the moment his lips touched her stomach, she gripped the sheets tightly, trying to control the eclectic tingles shooting all over – down her legs, her arms, her stomach, her chest, …down there. She was embarrassed just thinking about it.

She constricted her stomach muscles, lifting her torso slightly up from the bed so he could take off her shirt. He tossed it aside and the second it hit the ground, she felt her face flush. Spike saw her discomfort and smiled.

“Nothing to be ashamed of, kitten,” his hands wandered down the expanse of her flat stomach, “you’re beautiful. Perfect.” His words comforted her and excited her, but she still wasn’t sure what to do, so she just stayed still, looking deeply into his eyes, hoping he understood.

He pulled off his own black t-shirt and she gasped, admiring the sight of his muscular chest and perfect abs displayed in front of her.

“See something you like, love?” he smirked, pleased at her reaction. Impulsively, she reached up and ran her hands down over his chest, slowly. He leaned down and kissed her long and languidly, slowly working them both up until she was pushing up at him, grabbing the back of his neck and panting. As they were kissing, his hands made their way down to the hem of her jeans and unbuttoned them.

When she didn’t hesitate or try to draw back, he pulled down the zipper and eased them down to her knees. He pulled back until he was kneeling on his knees, marveling at her beauty lying there before him clad only in a black bra and a pair of matching panties.

“God, Buffy,” he breathed, “do you realize how gorgeous you are?”

“I’m not,” she blushed, trying to cover more of herself with her arms. He stopped them and held them above her head.

“But you are beautiful,” he whispered, “so beautiful… and you’re mine.”

“All yours,” she giggled, “and you’re all mine.”

He growled playfully at the possessive word and nipped her earlobe. “Yours,” he agreed.

……….

Present

All yours… always yours… yours forever until eternity…Buffy opened her eyes to see Willow hovering over her with a concerned frown. She realized that she was lying down on a sagging couch and quickly moved to sit up. When her whole body ached at the effort, she groaned and fell back down.

“What happened?” she asked her friend, who was now wiping a wet towel on her forehead.

“You fainted after the first song,” Willow informed her, gently. Looking around, she added “.. must have been from the heat and all the bodies and you weren’t feeling too great in the first place.”

“Oh…” The memory of what had just happened zoomed back into her mind, too quickly for her taste. “Oh… god. Willow, get me out of here.”

She rolled over, anxious to get back on the bus to Sunnydale and snuggle in her own warm bed where she could let the tears flow freely. When she fell to the ground, Willow immediately was kneeling down, helping her sit up.

“How could I have been so stupid…”

Willow heard her whispered words and mentally kicked herself for the hundredth time this night. She couldn’t believe her own tactlessness and selfishness, letting Buffy go through this ordeal. When Spike started singing, she knew that coming here had been a bad idea and tried leading Buffy away, but her friend had been too captivated to budge. Now, they were both paying the consequences.

“I’m sorry, Buffy, I’m so sorry,” she held her trembling friend who was trying so hard not to cry.

“No, it’s not your fault, Willow,” Buffy said, quietly. “I needed that. I was so blind when I thought that he loved me. I should have known… I would lose him the minute I gave myself to him. That’s all he wanted from me.”

Willow’s eyes widened at the confession. She had no idea that they had actually done it. Sex was something people only talked about.. especially in their sophomore year of high school. This made her anger towards Spike stronger and she wished she could have five minutes alone in a room with him and inflict as much damage as possible.

“You know that’s not true.”

Buffy’s head whipped around so fast her neck nearly snapped. Spike was leaning against the doorframe, halfway in the room, studying a stain on the rug. All the pain that she had previously felt melted away and was replaced by anger. Rage. Loathing.

“Oh yeah?” she challenged, visibly trying to control the tone of her voice. Inside, she was fuming. Her inner self wanted to lash out at him and hurt him as much as physically and emotionally possible. “Tell me, Spike, how long did it take you to find someone to replace me?”

Spike didn’t look up. She wasn’t even sure if he heard the question.

“Come on, baby” she seethed, clenching her fists until her nails felt like they were cutting through her skin. “A day? a week? a month?” When he closed his eyes and looked away, realization dawned on her.

“You son of a bitch…” she gasped, bringing her hands up to her mouth. Willow’s face was turning red as she finally understood what Buffy now realized. A brief moment passed and Spike turned to look at Buffy. This made something in Willow snap, and she stood up in front of her friend.

“Don’t you dare look at her. You don’t deserve her. You lying, cheating… asshole. If you ever even think of - ” she stopped when Buffy lightly pulled on her pant leg. Willow helped her to her feet.

“I just want to know… did you ever love me? even just a little?” Buffy asked quietly. She had reined in her emotions and all she felt now was blank. Erased. Like there was nothing in her heart anymore – no more pain or agony to suffer through.

“With all my heart,” he said, his tone of voice pleading. Tears made his eyes glassy and his breathing was rugged. He took a sharp intake of breath. “Please… Buffy, I didn’t – I never meant to hurt you. It wasn’t .. I really- “

“Don’t” she held out her hand to stop the words from coming out of his mouth. “I don’t want to hear it. I don’t ever want to hear from you ever again.”

She grabbed Willow’s arm and dragged her to the door. Spike moved to get out of their way as they were exiting.

Pausing a few feet from him and not bothering to look in his face, she said her final words to him – words that would remain with him always and would slowly burn a hole through his heart as the years went by until he was nothing anymore.

“You’re beneath me.”


…………………………

A/N: Please please please don’t kill me for this. After this is one more flashback and some more angst – everything will come together and I think after the next chapter, when you hear Spike’s side of the story and understand Drusilla’s role in his life, your anger at Spike might subside… just a little.

One or two more chapters until the end of Part 1. Part 2 will start with the rebuilding. It’ll be brighter, I promise. Revenge is sweet and turnabout’s fair play. All that jazz. Just be patient!!!

Another note… yeah, I didn’t get into detail in the sex. I just don’t feel really comfortable doing it… saying “cock” and “pussy” and “suck me off, Spike, please!” just don’t really do it for me. I think I might have to get into detail in Part 2 for the story to work, but I think it flowed fine without the smut here. Gives more room f or imagination… and it’ll make the next chapter more effective. I might rewrite it, who knows.





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