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Author's Chapter Notes:
I guess I'm just aiming for a more vulnerable side of Buffy.....hm...
Buffy was still curled up on the floor with dried trails from her tears stained on her tan cheeks, with a bottle of cheap vodka cradled against her chest. She knew that most of these tears were for herself, tears of self-pity and apathy, and it made her sick. She couldn't even remember the last time she felt like the warrior that her calling depicted her as. He still called, every now and again, somehow that comforted her, but she never answered. She couldn't imagine talking to him after she became this messy excuse for a human being.
The little girl inside of her blamed Spike for who she'd become, because if he hadn't left her, she never would have felt as worthless as she did right now. At times when she felt like this, she'd give in to the anger that she felt toward him and scream at the sky for letting him lie to her and make her believe that he'd be there for her. The adolescent in her was filled with self-loathing and the knowledge that she pushed him away, and would whisper inside her own mind things like, "no one could spend forever with me. They think they can, and then they realize that I really am 'insufferable.'" Last but not least, the woman in her would beg her to stand on her own feet, and reason that if she could just get up and be herself again, Spike would come back naturally. Unfortunately, this was harder than it looks on paper.

From time to time, Buffy would get a spurt of enthusiasm and start piecing her life back together. Drinking less was her first priority, because that alone brought her a world of problems that included, but weren't limited to, one night stands, random lines of cocaine, self-injury, and sloppy slaying. She'd muster up all the belief in herseld she could, and vow to stand up and be the person she knew she was meant to be. She'd fly into fanciful thoughts of Spike swooping back into her life, apologizing and begging for her forgiveness, and her friends would be at the sidelines, telling her how proud they were of her. These flights of hope were usually short lived and led her to feel even worse and indulge even further in the undesirable behavior she had been exhibiting lately. Buffy couldn't pinpoint exactly when self-destruction became a regular part of her routine, and she honestly didn't care to.

That night, already plenty intoxicated, Buffy went to the bar. She danced and met up with a few young guys from the college who were drooling at her feet. She hated how it made her feel to play this role, but any attention was better than sitting at home thinking about how inadequate a mate she was. After a few lines of coke with the four of them, she picked the one most pleasing to the eye and brought him home to show him what a "real woman" could do. After their brief experience, she went to the kitchen to make herself a drink, she took out the cranberry juice and put it on the counter, turning around to grab the bottle of vodka from the top of the fridge. She started to pour the vodka, but before she finished, the room went black.

*ding* *ding* *ding*

Buffy awoke to a pounding headache and the doorbell sounding more like the bells of Notre Dame than the tiny button attached to the front door. She looked around, confused at first, then realizing she was lying on the kitchen floor in a pool of vodka that must've spilled when she passed out. She cursed and pulled herself together, not even bothering to ask who was there before letting the front door swing open.

"Hey Buffster," Xander said, in a soft, almost childish voice as he entered the foyer. Following him were Willow, Kennedy, Giles, and Xander's new girlfriend, Melanie.

"Hey guys, what's going on? Is Dawn okay?" Buffy asked, almost frantically.

"She's fine, Buffy. We just wanted to stop in and catch up, ya know?" Willow smiled.

"Oh. Okay. Couldn't you have picked a less early time of morning to catch up?" Buffy replied dryly, half-joking and half-bitchy.

Giles cleared his throat before looking up at her from over the frames of his glasses, "it's two o'clock in the afternoon, Buffy"

She felt about as big as a cockroach, "of course it's two o'clock in the afternoon Buffy. Stupid, stupid Buffy." she thought, closing her eyes tightly and feeling her cheeks flush immediately.

Just as Willow was about to speak again, footsteps were heard coming down the hall from the direction of Buffy's bedroom. Before Buffy could realize what was happening and even try to prevent it, the man she'd brought home last night padded into the fully occupied living room in just his jeans.

"uhh, I didn't know you had, ermm, roomates," he stammered, looking especially quizzically at Giles.

"I don't," Buffy interrupted. "These are my friends, I forgot we had plans. Um, guys, this is...."

"Think Buffy, he said his name was....Adam? No. Avery? No. Andy?.....oh no."

"ummm..." she continued.

"I'm Jason," the young man finished for her, smiling weakly when she shot him a look of thanks. "I was just on my way out, ummmm...Buffy, I had a great time last night. I'll call you?"

"Okay," Buffy said quietly, knowing she hadn't given him her number but hoping he thought she had.

He let himself out quickly leaving her alone to face a room full of disappointed eyes. Giles was the first to speak.

"I think it's clear that we're concerned, Buffy. And I don't think it's necessary to tell you that I believe you are making incredibly destructive decisions!" he said, sharply.

"Buffy," Willow started. "It's not that we don't get it, you know, the pain. But we've all been there and lived to talk about it and help eachother through it. I'm scared that if things keep going the way they are, you won't."

"This isn't about blaming you for your feelings, it's about us wanting to help you get through them." Melanie offered with a small smile.

"Are you kidding?" Xander spoke up, his face red. "Of course we want to help, but this is completely about blame! Buffy, I've known you for years, and respected you for all of them, what do I have to look up to now? huh? The whore you've been acting like?"

That was all it took for the waterworks to make their appearance. Buffy had been able to hold her tears back for Giles, Willow, and Melanie's attacks on her character, bur a "whore?" Tears were pouring from her big green eyes before anyone even had the chance to give Xander a scolding look for his harsh words.

"Go," she managed, between choppy breaths that continued to catch in her throat. "Please, just go."
She couldn't even look at them, he friends, knowing what her mess was doing to them.
"I'm sorry, I thought I could fix this, but I can't. I love you, but I can't, okay? Please just go." And with that, Buffy got up and fixed herself a cup of coffee.

On Willow's cue, Melanie and Kennedy proceeded to wait outside while Willow, Xander, and Giles made their way into the kitchen behind Buffy. Seeing the puddle of vodka on the floor and the obvious cause of it, Willow started to cry, and moved in to wrap Buffy in a bear hug.

"I just don't want to lose you Buffy...I can't see you this way. I know how much Spike meant to you, how much he means to you," Willow cried, catching her breath and looking at Buffy with her teary eyes. "I love you, Buffy. Whatever comes at us, we can beat it, as long as you don't push me away. We made it through Angel, we made it through Oz, we made it through Riley, we made it through Tara, and now we have to make it through Spike."

"Willow, you just don't, I mean, you can't understand. I can't do it, I tried for you guys, I really did..." Buffy trailed off, looking at the floor ashamed.

Giles held her hand, giving it a reassuring squeeze.

"I'm sorry," Xander said. "But I'm not going to stand here and kiss your ass. I love you as much as anyone Buff, but this isn't you. He's destoyed you and you're letting him eat away at the last pieces of yourself you have left. I will not stand by and watch you become all the things you said you'd never be. I can't stand it."

Buffy could hear his words as he actually said them, and then she could also hear her mind twisting them around into a new sentence that read more like, "Buffy, I can't stand you. You're half the woman you used to be, I don't support you."

It was times like these that terrified her, times when she could feel her mind playing tricks on her, but didn't have the will to stop it. Giles, Willow, and Xander continued to talk at her, but she was too focused on her slowly slipping sanity to really hear what they were saying.





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