CHAPTER 10
Confused, all she could say was “What?”
He moved to the living room, and she followed him. She watched him pacing.
“What did you do to me? I didn’t know you two weeks ago. You put my world upside down, telling me horror stories about my past, and yet I can’t stay away from you.”
Hope swelled in her heart. “I’m sorry. The last thing I wanted was to upset you with the truth. But I had no choice. I couldn’t lie to you anymore. And you did such amazing things…”
He didn’t answer, still walking back and forth.
“How do you feel?” she asked timidly.
He finally stopped and turned to her. “I’m not sure. Like the world’s fallen down around me. I’m confused, because the realistic part of me has trouble accepting it. And the other part is scared of the notion of what being a vampire for more than a hundred years implies. And I’m angry that you lied to me, even if I can understand that it’s not the kind of news that you break just like that.”
“Things went so fast between us…I wanted to tell you, then you were so gentle and sweet, and it was so good, I didn’t want to ruin it. Because I could only imagine how you would look at me then…the way you’re looking at me now,” she finished sadly.
He nodded. “So when you told me you loved me…”
“I meant it!” she exclaimed in a sudden angry tone. “That was the truth!”
“Well, excuse me for doubting your word, but…”
“Not about that! I never lied about my feelings! Why don’t you believe me?”
Taken aback by her aggressiveness, he said, “I believe…”
“No you didn’t! You didn’t!”
Sobs were now wracking her shoulders, and her use of the past tense made him understand. “That’s Spike,” he said quietly. “Spike didn’t believe you.”
She breathed deeply, trying to calm herself down. “Just before you died, I told you I loved you. You said I didn’t. You died believing I didn’t love you. It’s been crushing me for two years.” She sniffled and reached for a Kleenex.
Despite his anger, he couldn’t stand to see her like this. He took her in his arms and she clung to him. He caressed her hair soothingly. “I don’t know why he didn’t believe you, but I guess he had his reasons,” he told her, unconsciously referring to himself as another person, as if it was easier for him to think that way and distance himself from the vampire he didn’t remember.
She was still sniffling against his shoulder, and he slowly detached her from his embrace. Being so close to her was not helping with the thinking clearly, and he needed to be in his right mind to decide what he would do next.
William didn’t want to lose Buffy, and he had no intentions to. But what he had learned today required some reflection time. He needed to know more about his past, but it would probably be wiser to hear it from people less emotionally involved with him.
The door opened and Dawn appeared. She walked into the leaving room and considered the situation. “Hey. I guess the truth is out, then,” she said quietly. “I’m sorry we didn’t tell you sooner,” she told William. “But it was hard on us, too.”
He smiled, his first time since the revelation. A genuine smile. “I get that. It’s a lot to take in…and I have to find a way to do just that.”
She nodded, not knowing what to say.
“You told me we used to be friends,” he continued. “How could a teenager be friends with a vampire?”
Dawn smiled, remembering some nice memories from a rather miserable period.
“You took care of me when Buffy died.”
He tensed. “When Buffy what??”
Behind him, Buffy was waving her hand in warning signals. “I didn’t tell him about that yet,” she said.
“Oh. Let’s keep it for another time, then,” Dawn said hastily. “William…you’ve never exactly been the usual vampire. You cared about people. You cared about me. You protected me. You were like my best friend. I loved you. I didn’t always treat you right, and I’m sorry, but I love you. I still do.”
Dawn went to him and hugged him, feeling much better at being able to finally tell him what had been weighing on her heart for so long. To her great pleasure, he hugged her back.
“I know what it’s like to learn that you’re not really who you think you are. Believe me, I’ve been there. It’s frightening. But we love you, and we are here for you. Give us a chance to prove it to you.”
“I will,” he promised, and so help him, he certainly didn’t want to throw away something so precious.
She smiled, went to Buffy and kissed her, hugging her briefly as well. “It’ll be ok,” she whispered.
After Dawn retreated to her room, William turned to Buffy. “That sister of yours is a very smart girl,” he said, and he seemed more relaxed than before Dawn’s arrival. He took Buffy’s hand and brought it to his mouth, kissing it.
“Buffy, I’m not really into big romantic destinies, but I’m aware we must have something very intense going on between us. Because my feelings are not new. They were not erased with the memories, they were there all the time. Despite that crazy slayer/vampire thing, despite the death…we’re still in love with each other. I love you,” he finished in a low voice that brought fresh tears to her eyes.
He was echoing her exact own thoughts, and she should have been delighted to hear him confess his love, but at the same time her guts where telling her that things wouldn’t be as simple as that. It would be too easy.
“I’d better go,” he said, and she resisted the urge to grab his arm and beg him to stay.
He took her head in his hands, pressing a very tender, promising kiss on her lips. “I need to think about all this,” he whispered, holding her a few more second, inhaling her scent.
“I understand,” she said in a teary voice.
“I love you,” he told her again, emphasizing the words. He had the impression she was the one who didn’t believe it this time, or at least didn’t believe he would come back.
“I love you too. Please…” she hesitated, “Please don’t stay away too long.”
He didn’t answer but kissed her one last time before leaving.
Buffy stayed in the silent living room for a while before taking another Kleenex and blowing her nose. She had known this would happen, but it didn’t lessen the pain. And shouldn’t she be used to it now?
Dawn came out of her room. “Did he leave?” she asked.
Buffy shrugged. “Yes. Don’t they always?” She was the image of self-pity.
“Oh come on, Buffy. It’s Spike. He *never* leaves. Not even when he dies, apparently.”
“But this is different.”
Dawn rolled her eyes. “Yeah, well, there’s the whole vampire thing he needs to digest, and in this case I guess Pepto-Bismol won’t do the trick.”
Despite her sadness, Buffy laughed. “He might need something stronger.”
“He loves you. That hasn’t changed. In the end, it’s all that matters, and he knows it.”
Buffy nodded, feeling slightly cheered up by her sister. She took her in her arms, sobbing softly, but Dawn guessed it was now more to alleviate the tension accumulated since William’s return. When she calmed down, the young girl patted her back. “Feeling better?”
“Yeah. Thanks, Dawnie.”
“He’ll be back. Don’t worry. If he doesn’t, I’ll go kick his butt. After all, he’s the one who taught me all that fighting stuff. And what with him being human now, he doesn’t stand a chance!”
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Giles knew that Buffy was planning to tell William the truth that evening, so he was the last person he expected to see in his office early the next morning.
“Morning Giles,” the younger man said, knocking lightly on the door. “Can I come in?”
“William! Yes, of course. Please sit down.”
Giles watched the young man attentively while he took his place in the chair. He looked tired. The night had probably not been very restful.
“Coffee?” he offered.
“I could use some, yes,” William said with a grateful smile.
Giles poured him a cup before sitting back down. “I assume Buffy told you everything.” William nodded, sipping his coffee. “How do you feel?”
“I still don’t know. How would *you* feel?”
Giles smiled. “Good question. Taking a wild guess, it would probably scare the piss out of me,” he said, eliciting a short laugh from William at his sudden bad language. “But the Watcher in me would find it fascinating, no doubt. And I would want to know everything, obviously, even if it means hearing abhorring things about me.”
“That’s exactly why I’m here. I know I’m not going to like it, but I need to know. Some sort of morbid curiosity, if you will.”
Giles nodded. “Morbid being the fitted word in that case. What did Buffy tell you?”
“Not much in fact. I was a vampire, I got a soul, which seems to be a pretty big deal to them – Angel was there too. And I died saving the world. Not exactly your usual dinner conversation. I didn’t take it too well at first, obviously. I left, came back, told Buffy I loved her and needed to sort things out. Then I left again. Quite an agitated evening for the quiet librarian that I am,” he said with a derisive laugh.
“Yes, people think the life of a librarian is boring. They could really be surprised, sometimes,” Giles chuckled with a conniving smile. “If you have questions, ask me. I’ll tell you anything you want to know. Then again, we didn’t appreciate each other very much back then, so I never got to know you like Buffy and Dawn did. And even if I did indeed notice the extraordinary change in you, I was blinded by the fact that you were a vampire and I couldn’t accept Buffy’s trust and emotional involvement with you. It was only after your sacrifice, when she talked to me, and that I really listened. But it was too late. I’m sorry I didn’t give you more credit…oh, and also for trying to have you killed.”
William waved his hand dismissively. “No worries. I probably would have killed you too, given the opportunity, right? So I guess we’re even.”
Giles nodded and cleared his throat. “Right. So, after those enlightening and rather surreal apologies…how can I be of any help?”
William gathered his thoughts for a second before answering, “I want to now about the vampire mythology. I knew they existed, my friend and I were attacked last year. I did some research back then but couldn’t find anything useful or that looked credible enough. So seeing as you are the headmaster of a slayer school, and a former librarian as Buffy told me once, I guessed you could probably provide me with useful information.”
Giles smiled. “All right…where do you want to start?”
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
Sitting on a bench, William was looking at the Golden Gate Bridge without really seeing it. He had come everyday to that park since his arrival in San Francisco one week ago.
He hadn’t told Jim and Anna about his real past, and he would never do it. They loved him, but they didn’t know anything about vampires and the likes and he didn’t want to freak them out.
In his hand he was holding one of the books Giles had given him about vampire mythology. In this one there was an entire chapter about the Order of Aurelius, the line Giles had told him he belonged to. A big part of his ‘family’ history was transcribed in it. All the disturbing details about the Master, Angelus, Darla, Drusilla and himself, William the Bloody. Despite himself, the nickname made him smile each time he thought about it. There wasn’t any mention about how he had earned it, and he deeply hoped it didn’t involve a blood bath. Maybe later he could ask Buffy if she knew.
William had been very shocked and upset when he had learned the truth. He had decided to take a few days off and had come to San Francisco where Anna’s sister lived. He had spent most of his days so far wandering in the city, reading the books and thinking.
Once the shock of the revelation had subsided and he had had some time to process the idea, he had realized that he wasn’t as disturbed by it as he probably should have been. Strangely, while he expected the dreams and flashbacks to come back full force now that he knew the truth, they had been non-existent. When he thought about the evil deeds of Spike, it felt more like reading about some sort of ancestor, even if some of those deeds were only a few years old. When William Atherton thought about himself, he saw the librarian, with a good family, nice friends and a new gorgeous girlfriend.
Yes, not so long ago he was apparently cheerfully killing people, but he couldn’t bring himself to feel guilty about it. And even if he had wanted to torture himself about it, how could he? He didn’t remember anything.
Giles’ theory seemed to be the good one.
The thing he did feel guilty about, though, was not having called Buffy yet. But he needed some time away. If he called her and heard her voice, he would jump on his bike and drive all the way back to Los Angeles to take her in his arms and make love to her like he was dreaming of.
He missed her awfully.
It was funny, although in a weird way, that he didn’t remember anything about being a vampire and raising havoc in several places in the world, but somehow his feelings for Buffy had resist the memory swipe and were still anchored in his heart. Whatever those supposedly Powers had do to him, they hadn’t be able to make his heart forget about her.
So of course now he could make the decision to torture himself for years about having killed people and being an evil demon for a century.
He could also put that past behind him and embrace a bright future with an amazing woman who was eagerly waiting for him to come back. A woman that even death – hers and his – couldn’t separate along all these years. A woman with whom he shared a love more powerful than anything on this earth. A love most definitely worth fighting for.
The decision was not a very hard one to make.
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