CHAPTER 3
At 6.30 that evening, Buffy was pacing relentlessly in her apartment. She was used to having mixed and confused feelings, but this was topping everything else. She couldn’t wait to see Spike…William again, and at the same time she dreaded it. What was she going to tell him? Certainly not the truth. At least not tonight. She would have to discuss it with Giles first. That is, when she finally told him.
The doorbell made her jump and she let out a little squeal. She counted to ten, forcing herself to calm down before opening the door.
“Hi,” he greeted her with a smile, but also a hint of shyness in his voice.
She smiled back. “Please come in,” she told him, noticing the leather jacket and the motorbike helmet. Her smile grew wider. Spike wasn’t buried that deep after all.
“You live alone?” he asked.
“No. My sister Dawn lives with me. She called me earlier to tell me she would be out with a friend. It’s going to be quite a shock when she sees you. Please, sit down,” she said, taking his jacket and repressing the urge to bring it to her nose, instead hanging it in the hall. “Do you want something to drink? I have some white wine,” she proposed.
“White wine is perfect.”
She went to the kitchen and leaned for a minute against the counter, feeling dizzy. The awkwardness of the situation was almost too much to bear. She wanted to cry for having him back, to hold and kiss him, and yet she couldn’t because to him she was a complete stranger. Right now, she was the person who could give him information about his past. That was probably the only reason he was interested in her.
Once he had been her hero, willing to sacrifice himself to save her. Now that she was able and ready to fully love him back, he couldn’t care less about it.
The cruel irony wasn’t lost on her.
With shaky hands, she took two glasses and the bottle and returned to the living room.
“Is this your sister?” he asked, a little pale, showing her a picture of her and Dawn.
“Yes.”
“I saw her…Saturday, at the mall…and I’m pretty sure I heard her voice in my head. It was the first time I had a clear memory of something…but it didn’t help much,” he added with a sad laugh.
“Well, maybe when you meet her it will trigger more memories…you were rather close…before,” she told him softly.
Of all the Scoobies, Dawn had been the closest one to him, at least until the last year in Sunnydale. That could explain why she was the one to initiate the first real memories in him. Even, Buffy had to admit, if she felt hurt that seeing her and talking to her didn’t seem to awaken even a smidgen of remembrance on his part. But, if there was one thing she had learned over the past two years, it was that not everything was about Buffy.
“I have chicken wings for dinner,” she told him, hoping to bring a smile back on his face.
“They are my favourite! How did you…Oh, you mean they were my favourite before?”
She nodded. “See? I’m sure all those memories are not that far away. If you get to meet other people you used to know, like my sister, they will probably come back little by little.”
“And in the meantime, you can tell me what I want to know,” he said with a hopeful smile.
Oh dear. Here we go.
She poured the wine and he sat on the couch while she settled in the chair facing him. “So, uh…where do you want to start?”
“I guess the first obvious question is, do I have family somewhere? Or…did they die in the earthquake?”
“When I met you, your parents had been dead for several years. As far as I know, you have no direct family.”
He nodded. “I went to England, last year, but didn’t find anything. Of course, without any clue, it was nearly impossible to really start somewhere, but I had to try…I probably crossed the whole bloody country.”
“I don’t know much about your family. When we met – that was seven years ago – you were living with…relatives,” she said, for lack of a better word to describe Angel and Drusilla. And that’s what they were after all, even if it was in a weird vampire way.
“Where are they now?”
“One of them is living here in L.A, actually. He’s the CEO of Wolfram& Hart, the law firm. His name is Angel.”
He frowned then shook his head, frustrated. “It’s so annoying to hear all those names and have no clue who they are. You would think I would remember a relative named ‘Angel’,” he joked lightly. “You think he’ll be glad to know I’m alive?”
“Oh, he’ll be thrilled, no doubt.”
Yeah, you bet.
“And I guess he’ll update me on the family subject,” William said. “Finally, we’re getting somewhere. So, tell me a little bit more about us.”
Her heart skipped a beat. “Us?”
“Yes…we were friends, right? You can tell me a little bit more about our lives, and what all.”
“Ok…uh…where to start?” she said with a nervous laugh. Maybe sticking to the truth as much as possible would be the best option. “Let’s see…we met in high school. I mean, when I was in high school. You came to live with Angel, and I was dating him at the time.”
He raised an eyebrow. “So, his name is Angel and he likes little girls, huh?”
She couldn’t help but smile. “I was a teenager, not a little girl, and he’s not much older than us…not in the strictest sense,” she muttered. “Anyway, at first we didn’t like each other very much. We fought, a lot. Then…things got better and we became friends,” she finished. God, that was the lamest explanation ever. Buffy, Miss Vagueness 2005.
“Things got better? Care to elaborate, love?”
The use of the pet name made her spill her drink. She got a napkin and wiped her chin. “Sorry,” she said. She hated this situation. Having to lie to him that way. The man in front of her looked like Spike, but in a way it wasn’t him. And it wasn’t his past human self either. Then he had one of those facial expressions, or in this case that nickname, and it was like the last two years had never happened. That he had never died and had been here all along.
“You ok?” he asked, noticing a suspicious wetness in her eyes.
“I’m good. Sorry,” she repeated. “What I meant is, after high school, things happened. I lost my mom. Your long-time girlfriend broke up with you. We grew up, and realized there was no point in fighting constantly.”
She didn’t know whether to bring up their relationship or not, then decided against it, at least for now. That would bring up too many painful questions.
“How old am I?” he suddenly asked.
She mad a quick mental calculation. “25,” she told him. If she remembered well, that was his age when he had been turned. Although now he had been human for two years, so… “No, sorry. Let’s make that 27 now.”
“Was I working in Sunnydale?”
Buffy’s mind went blank. What on earth could she say about that one?
“You…I…We were…co-workers. At the high school. As guidance counsellors. Helping others…sometimes saving their lives,” she added with a laugh, as if she was joking. Only not.
Spike hadn’t been working at the high school, but he certainly had been some kind of counselor for many of them. Even when they dismissed his opinion, time would always make him right. And they had been co-workers in some way. And saved countless lives. So that wasn’t too big a lie either.
“How come you weren’t trapped in the earthquake?” he asked.
Ok, on this one she couldn’t escape the big, fat lie. “They had announced important seismic activity. So we left the day before. You were supposed to come with us, but we lost track of each other. And since we didn’t hear from you, we thought…we thought you didn’t make it.”
A bell in the kitchen caught her attention. “Dinner’s ready,” she announced.
He brought the bottle and the glasses to the table while she brought the wings and some salad. While they were eating, the conversation concentrated more on their respective lives, tastes and so on. It helped settle a more comfortable feeling between them. By dinner’s end, Buffy was less stressed.
As they were going back to the living room, he suddenly laughed. “I can’t believe I haven’t ask you about my last name yet,” he told her.
“Oh! That reminds me…Wait.”
She disappeared into one of the rooms before coming back with a duffel bag. She handed it to him. “This is yours. You…gave it to me before the earthquake.”
She had in fact discovered it on the bus when they had arrived in L.A, and had put it with her own stuff.
William smiled and opened it. The first thing he grabbed was a book. “Shakespeare’s sonnets” he read, before opening it. “Property of William Atherton. Atherton. Sounds nice,” he said, examining the book. “This is a very old edition,” he noticed. “Very pricey too. Am I rich?” he asked with a grin.
She laughed slightly. “No, I think it must be some family heirloom.”
While turning over the pages, he found a picture. “Hey, that’s your sister and you, right?”
She took the picture with a fond smile, remembering the day it had been taken. She didn’t know Spike had it though. She turned it over. On the back, the words ‘my girls’ were written. She brought her hand to her mouth, her breath caught in her throat. He took the picture back and read the inscription.
“I really loved you both very much, didn’t I?” he asked softly.
She nodded, unable to stop her tears. “You were the best thing that ever happened to us,” she replied in a whisper. She wiped her wet cheek, not wanting to embarrass him with such an emotional display. Not to mention she was deeply ashamed to have waited so long to tell him that.
He squeezed her hand before reaching further in the bag, this time coming up with a black t-shirt, and a pair of jeans in the same colour. He unfolded the jean. “At least I can see if I gained some weight in the last two years,” he joked. He looked in the bag again but there was nothing else. “That’s all? Guess I’m not the materialist kinda guy then.”
She laughed, remembering how he had tried to nick some cash from Giles on multiple occasions, or asked money for so-called information about the Initiative, or the monster-of-the-week they were dealing with.
“You don’t have any pictures of me?” he asked.
She shook her head sadly. “No, but…there’s something…” She got up, went to the shelf with the videos and took one labeled ‘Andrew, 2003’. She put it in the VCR and fast-forwarded to the precise moment. “There,” she said, finding what she had been looking for. She had watched that tape only once. At first she thought it was a ridiculous idea for Andrew to do this, then she had been grateful, because she knew that with it she would have at least a vivid recollection of Spike.
Andrew had filmed Spike in the basement. William’s brows lifted. “Wow. Check out the Billy Idol reject.” As an echo, his voice resonated in the room, this time coming from the TV screen. “I thought I told you to piss off with this bloody camera, yet here you are again with that thing in my face. Would you sod off before I rip your throat out and eat…”
“Kinda big with the attitude, huh?”
Buffy nodded, her eyes still on the screen, a tender smile tugging at her lips. “That’s Spike,” she said, before turning to him. “That’s you.”
“Spike? That was my nickname?”
She nodded. “That’s what everyone used to call you.”
He smiled. “What do *you * want to call me?”
“I don’t know. ‘Spike’ is reminiscent of a lot of things…but I like William. And that’s who you are now.”
They exchanged a glance, and Buffy felt butterflies in her stomach at the way he was suddenly looking at her. He shook his head, obviously confused. “Right. Uh…what’s with the hair?” he asked, indicating the TV screen.
“Oh…well, that was part of the look, obviously.”
He nodded. “I remember it looked like that when Jim and Anna found me. I tried to keep it that way, hoping it would help with the memories, but it hurt like hell, so I stopped.”
“I like how it looks now…darker blond. More natural. I have to get use to the glasses, though.”
“Oh, yes,” he chuckled, and removed them in a way that reminded her strangely of Giles. “You mean I didn’t wear them before? Cause I’m totally short-sighted, and I don’t think it came with the amnesia thing.”
She shook her head, thinking fast. “Lenses! Because, uh…the glasses didn’t go well with the bad boy attitude.”
“Obviously,” he said, before getting up. “It’s getting late. I guess you have to work tomorrow, and so do I.”
Buffy didn’t want to see him go, but at the same time she wasn’t sure she could go on with the lies much longer. It was way too emotionally exhausting, especially when all she wanted was to hold, touch and kiss him and she couldn’t do any of these things, and this evening had probably been the most frustrating moment of her entire life.
He went to the hall, grabbed his jacket and put it on. “Buffy…Correct me if I’m wrong, but I feel…I feel like you were sometimes holding back tonight. Like you didn’t tell me everything…I mean, of course you can’t tell me everything in a few hours, but…it was like you were scared to tell me some things.”
She met his blue eyes, but there was no accusation there, just concern and kindness. Damn. He was still as perceptive. “I’m sorry. I…you must understand…for two years, I thought I had lost you. Now you’re back, which makes me tremendously happy, you can’t even imagine how much…but you’re not the exact same person, and it’s hard for me too. I just need some time.”
He smiled and put a strand of hair behind her ear, in a very familiar gesture, at least to her. “I understand. And I can be patient.”
“Thank you,” she whispered, taking in the brief brush of his fingers against her cheek. It was difficult to lie all right, but she knew already she couldn’t let a day pass without seeing him. “Do you want us to meet for lunch tomorrow?” she asked.
He seemed relieved, like he had hoped for this but didn’t want to push things. “I’d love that.”
“Ok then. I’ll come to the library around noon, is that ok?”
“Perfect. I’ll see you tomorrow, then. Thanks for the diner.”
He took his helmet and the duffel bag and left. Buffy slowly closed the door behind him, putting her forehead against it, listening to the motorbike’s engine starting, until the sound faded away in the distance.
§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§
She didn’t know how much time she stayed against the door in the dark hallway, but the sound of keys in the lock shook her out of her torpor. She took two steps back and the door opened on Dawn.
“Buffy! You scared me.”
“I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to. How was your evening?”
“Great! Connor is such a sweetie. And smart too. I promised I would take him to visit Wolfram & Hart.”
“That’s nice,” Buffy replied absently.
“Hey, you ok?” Dawn asked, frowning upon her sister’s pale face.
“I’m not sure…Dawn, something happened…maybe you should sit down for this.”
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