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CHAPTER 4

William parked his motorbike in front of the house and saw light coming from the kitchen’s window. He smiled and walked in to the house.

“It’s late,” he chastised Anna and Jim gently. “You shouldn’t have waited up for me.”

“Are you kidding? We want to know what happened. Sit down, son.”

Anna got up. “I made some tea, you want a cup?”

“No, thanks.”

She smiled and sat back. “Good. Then talk.”

He related the events of the evening and his conversation with Buffy.

“She seems like a nice girl,” Jim commented.

“She definitely is,” William agreed warmly. “And gorgeous too.”

Anna raised an eyebrow. “And the two of you were…?”

“Friends, apparently. Or so she said.”

“What do you mean, ‘so she said’?”

“Well, I didn’t ask about it precisely…but she didn’t imply we were something else. Then again, I had this strange feeling, all night, like she was holding back some things.”

Jim frowned. “You think she’s lying? Why would she do that?”

“No, no, not lying. Just not telling me everything.”

“Maybe she doesn’t want to flood you with tons of information at the same time. And it must have been quite a shock for her too.”

He nodded. “Yes, that’s more or less what she told me. Oh, I have a picture, by the way.”
He reached for the picture in the bag and handed it to Jim. “Buffy’s the blond one. The other girl is her sister Dawn. Remember that girl I told you about, the one I had bumped into at the mall the other day? Well, that was Dawn. It was all very quick, and I don’t think she recognized me then. Also, it seems I had a slightly different fashion sense back then,” ha added with a chuckle.

“Very pretty girls,” Jim agreed. “What does Buffy do?”

“She’s a self-defence instructor. And Dawn’s in college.”

Anna read the small inscription on the back. “Looks like the three of you were close,” she said, giving him the picture back.”

“Apparently they were the closest to a family I had. Except for that cousin, Angel. I still don’t remember, but it’s nice to know there are people out there who know me and care about me…well, my former self.”

Anna squeezed his hand. “As long as you’re happy, William, it’s all that matters to Jim and me.”

A little bit overwhelmed, William just smiled and got up, kissing Anna and giving a manly hug to Jim. He was glad to have found people from his past, but he knew that no one could replace Jim and Anna in his heart.

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

William was tossing and turning in his sleep, plagued by another dream, or possibly reminiscence. Buffy was there. With him, and they were…

He awoke with a gasp. He could almost feel the impact of her fists on his face.

God. What was that?

He had hoped that his evening with her would maybe help stir some more memories…and it had.

He just hadn’t expected it to be so very disturbing.

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

When Buffy arrived at the library the next day, William was still under the shock of his dream. He wanted to talk to her about it, but decided to go smoothly. He hadn’t known Buffy for long, but something told him than putting pressure was not the best way to deal with her. Especially since she seemed nervous and jumpy around him.

He took her to a small diner nearby and started with the small talk. “I showed your picture to Jim and Anna. They would like to meet you.”

“I would love that, if only to thank them. You didn’t tell me what they do for a living.”

“Jim is a vet, and Anna is his secretary. They’ve been working together for 30 years, and married for 35. They don’t have children.”

“They have you. I understand why you talk so fondly about them. They seem like wonderful people.”

William nodded, taking a sip of his soda. “Buffy, there’s something…I wanted to ask you…were we a couple, before? Were we…in love, maybe?”

Her eyes widened slightly, and her cheeks reddened, and that’s all William needed to know. “What makes you think that?” she couldn’t help but ask.

Aha. Now she was stalling. He shrugged. “It’s hard to explain. I feel like there’s a certain connection between you and me. Some kind of gut feeling telling me we have a history together. Am I wrong?”

She slowly shook her head. “No. I mean, you’re right. We have a history. But it was…complicated.”

“Isn’t it always?” he asked with a sly smile.

“Well in our case, it’s really in the literal sense.” She chose her words carefully. “Do you remember when I told you yesterday that we didn’t get along for some time before it got better? Well, even if we fought a lot, there was indeed this attraction between us, and we finally gave into it. But it wasn’t very…healthy.”

“What do you mean? We couldn’t tolerate each other but had mind-blowing sex anyway?”

His question attracted some curious and amused glances from the table nearby, and he lowered his voice. “Sorry,” he said with a smirk, which disappeared when he saw her purple cheeks and nervousness. “Are you ok? We can drop the subject for when we’re in a less crowded place, if you want.”

“No, I’m good. I think I need to talk about this. I never really shared it with anyone…not the details, obviously. Sp…William, what we had wasn’t pretty. It wasn’t romantic. We used each other, abusively.”

Strangely, she felt more comfortable talking about this than all her ‘stories’ from yesterday. At least now she was telling him the truth.

He looked sincerely shocked. “I never thought I was the kind of guy who would do that.” Then again it matched the dream he had had the previous night, even if it didn’t make it less confusing.

“We were different people. There were circumstances…and believe me, you didn’t use me half as much as I used you. We hurt each other, and I’m sorry for that. And I’m glad I got the chance to tell you that, even if it doesn’t mean much to you right now. I’m sorry.”

He smiled. Apparently she had had this on her shoulders for a long time. “Apology accepted. At some point I suppose I’ll feel the need to apologize too. And maybe we should use this opportunity to start over…a clean slate. What do you think?”

I think I wish it were that easy, she thought sadly. She smiled nonetheless. “I think it’s a great idea.” She seemed lost in her thought for a moment before adding, “It wasn’t always bad, you know. We had very nice moments, the last year…the year before the earthquake.”

“So we did say some nice things to each other sometimes…besides doing them?”

“You told me once that I was one hell of a woman,” she said, still shivering at the thought of the wonderful night they had platonically shared. “And I told you I believed in you. It doesn’t sound like much now, but it was very important to you at that time.”

He took her hand and caressed the palm with his thumb. The contact was intimate but seemed natural. “Did we love each other?” he asked softly.

“Yes…we loved each other. You loved me first, and it took me a long time to accept it. I think I was scared, mostly because of my disastrous record with past boyfriends. Then one day I realized you were…different. That maybe I could love you and not get hurt in the process. As soon as I realized it, I told you that I loved you.”

“And?”

“And you died.”

Taken aback, he let a slight laugh escape. “Oh, well…that was awfully rude of me,” he commented.

She couldn’t help but laugh with him. “Or I thought you had died. But hey, turns out you didn’t. Which makes me a very happy girl.” For one moment, she let herself be overwhelmed by the joy of having him back, holding his hand and looking in his eyes, where she could read a familiar little light that was troubling and delighting her at the same time. Just for five minutes she wanted to enjoy his presence without thinking of all the complications it would inevitably cause.

“I missed you so much,” she whispered.

He brought her hand to his lips and kissed it softly. “I’m glad you found me,” he replied on the same tone. They got lost for a few minutes in each other before Buffy blinked.

“I should get back to work,” she said regretfully.

“Me too. Let’s go then.”

He paid for their meal and they walked out. He still hadn’t let go of her hand.

“I’ll go back to the library with you,” she said, not willing to break the contact yet, just wanting to feel a little bit more of this internal peace his mere presence was bringing her. A peace that she just realized how much she had been missing. Without it, without him, she was incomplete.

William had sensed she was much calmer now, and he hated to have to raise the subject again, but it was bothering him. “Buffy…”

“Mmmh?”
“I wanted to ask…I had a dream about you last night.”

“Really?” she asked, looking pleased.

“It was rather…violent,” he admitted carefully.

Her smile disappeared. “Oh?”

“I wasn’t sure if it was a dream or a memory, but in light of what you told me earlier…”

“What did you dream about?” she pressed him, her blissful moment definitely shattered. God, she should have known it couldn’t last. Not even for five damn minutes.

“We were in an alley, fighting. At some point, you seemed to have the upper hand. You called me a soulless thing…which I found a rather peculiar expression, so I thought that maybe it was just my mind messing…”

“No. It’s not your mind. It…really happened,” she said, looking away and clenching her teeth. She heard him take a deep breath.

“So you weren’t exaggerating about the abusive part, huh?” he asked, looking bewildered.

“Unfortunately, no. And you should be prepared to dream…or remember…worse.”

“Worse?”

She could hear his disbelief, and she nodded, her throat constricted. With his thumb, he caught a tear on her cheek. She hadn’t realized it was there. Gathering her courage, she met his blue gaze. She brought her hand to his face.

“William, when you remember, there are going to be some painful moments. You’ll probably have trouble believing it, maybe you won’t want to see me anymore.”

“I highly doubt that,” he said firmly. “I know that it’s not easy for you either. I’m sure I’ll be able to handle everything that’s coming if you’re with me,” he said, caressing her hair.

She just nodded, afraid that speaking would only lead to bursting into sobs.

She couldn’t leave him in the void. One day, she would have to tell him the whole truth. And that day, she would probably lose him forever.

§§§§§§§§§§§§§§§

“William? Are you in there? Hello?”

Meg finally got his attention. “What? I’m sorry…what?”

“Gee…don’t tell me you were thinking about that Miss Summers of yours again,” she joked good-naturedly.

“No…I was thinking about something else…did you ask me something?”

“Never mind…I’ll ask you tomorrow when you’re back on earth with the rest of us,” she said, giving him a playful wink before leaving.

Sighing, William pushed away the stack of books he was supposed to sort out. How could he concentrate on the work of Jane Austen when he had just discovered he used to be an apparently violent guy who beat his girlfriend? Ok, she seemed to beat him too, but still…all this was so far away from his current nature. How could someone change so much just because they lost their memory? And if Buffy and him were beating the crap out of each other, shouldn’t there be hate and disgust between them, and not the love and longing he was experiencing each time he looked at her? It was obvious she still loved him, and even if he barely knew her, there were feelings on his part too. Deep-rooted ones, from another time, but very much there.

He had to trust her. He was sure that in the end all of this would make sense. That there was more to him than just an abusive bastard with white hair and a leather coat.





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