11. Was that the L word?
They were silent as they made their way out of the theatre and hailed a cab to take them back to the hotel, except for the brief call Spike made to the airport to have the plane readied. Still in silence, they packed up their belongings and headed outside to wait for another cab that would take them to the airport. Spike sat still as stone all the way to the waiting plane. Without the usual banter with the pilot, they took off in silence, each afraid to say anything.
The plane didn’t seem so luxurious any more. The wood paneling, even the pictures mounted on the wall that she had exclaimed about during the flight to New York, seemed meaningless after the past twenty-four hours. She couldn’t shake the feeling that she would never feel safe anywhere again. Wherever she went, whatever she did, her past would always be a part of her.
She wondered if this was how Spike felt, why he hired guards to protect his house and rarely dealt with strangers. Once you have been betrayed by someone you trust, it’s even harder to trust again.
Eventually, not knowing what else to do, Spike slowly reached over and took Buffy’s hand. Tentatively, her eyes searched his.
Spike was the first to speak. “It’s true then, what he said? I’m sorry he hurt you, pet.”
“It’s not your fault, Spike. Who could have known those two would be there? That was your ex, wasn’t it? Drusilla? Angelus is the one who stole her away from you.” It wasn’t a question.
“Yeah. Good old Dru and her wanker Angelus.”
“Do you think they planned it somehow? How did they know that we’d be there?”
“Not really sure that they did. Dru did sometimes have the sight, so it’s just barely possible that what she said was true. More likely it was just a coincidence. Unless of course they’ve got someone on my staff who’s also on their payroll.”
“I don’t believe that. Not Jonathan!”
“Doesn’t have to be Jonathan, pet. Could be any number of people knew he’d gotten us tickets.” He hated the thought that someone in his employ might be a spy, but privately he thought it was the most likely of all the options. Coincidences like that just didn’t happen, not in the real world. And Drusilla’s visions usually weren’t that specific.
Spike didn’t pity his employee if the man were ever caught. But there was nothing that he could do about it right now. It would have to wait until they got home. Besides, right now he was with Buffy. Every moment with Buffy was precious, and he didn’t want to waste the opportunity by worrying.
Buffy was staring out the airplane window, but even he could tell that she wasn’t really looking at anything. She was obviously still shaken up. Perhaps it would be better to get her to talk about it.
He’d have to tread softly, let her set the pace, “Can you tell me how you know Angelus, pet? Tell me what happened between you two, luv?”
Looking ashamed, Buffy turned and lay her head on Spike’s chest. Sighing a few times, she looked down at the coffee table before haltingly starting her story. She supposed that Spike deserved to know. And it wasn’t like Angelus had ruined her life the way he’d ruined Spike’s. She’d only known Angel for a few months. And it had all happened so far back in the past it was almost as ancient as those vases Spike had been so impressed with.
“It was a long time ago. I was still in high school. I was young and naïve. I was flattered by all the attention Angel gave me, all the time and money he spent on me. I thought we were in love.”
She pulled away from Spike then, and leaned against the window so she could look out at the clouds below them. She spoke so softly, she almost hoped that Spike couldn’t hear her. But she wasn’t going to repeat herself, whether he caught every word or not. He’d get the gist. Undoubtedly he already had figured out what had happened, or most of it.
“I thought we were in love,” she whispered. “So I gave myself to him. He… Angel was my first. He told me his name was Angel. If I live forever I will never forget the hateful things he said to me… afterward.”
She turned away from the window, looking down at her clasped hands, before raising her eyes to meet the blue of the man sitting next to her. Her next words were louder; almost as if she wished Spike would reassure her, tell her that it wasn’t true.
“After I gave in to him, he dumped me like I was nothing! Not only that, he told me it was all my fault, that I wasn’t good enough! I felt so awful. Here I was, barely seventeen, and the man I thought I loved, the man who’d just taken my virginity, was telling me I’d never be able to satisfy a man in bed. For a long time I was afraid that there was something wrong with me.”
She turned to look back out at the sky. It was so blue now, like they were turning back time. Like this evening had never happened.
She spoke into the window again, her words turning to fog on the glass, and then disappearing.
“I suppose that on some level I knew it was just an excuse, a lie. Something that he must have been planning all along. But somehow that hurt even more, you know? That I had never meant anything to him at all.” She rested her head against the windowpane and then continued. “He told me he was a student at UC Sunnydale, and that his name was Angel. I never would have put it together that he was really Angelus O’Connor.”
Spike was silent for a moment as he digested what she had just told him. He reached out with his hand and touched her face, then leaned his head next to hers.
“He hurt, you Buffy, and I would go back in time and change it if I could. And don’t think for a minute that that wasn’t exactly what he meant to accomplish. Not a word has ever come from that man’s lips that wasn’t meant to his own advantage, or to hurt someone else. I’m so sorry, kitten.”
“It’s not your fault. And it was a long time ago.” Spike could tell that Buffy was trying to make light of the incident, so for her sake he would try to let it go. “What happened tonight though – Angelus and Dru, it still hurts you, doesn’t it?”
“His being alive hurts me, pet. And I hate to tell you this, but I’m afraid that just maybe it was my fault, what happened to you back then. Angelus was only in Sunnydale because he knew that Dru and I were there. And I’m afraid that he might have picked you to play his games with because he knew that I was friends with your Mum. No doubt he was hoping I’d get wind of the whole affair somehow, and that’d be another way he could hurt me – by hurting the daughter of someone I was close to.”
“I doubt that’s it Spike.” Somehow the thought that Angelus hadn’t even picked her especially, that he’d only chosen to target her because of some association her mother had with Spike, made the whole thing seem even worse. More impersonal. But she wouldn’t tell Spike that. “I was just too young to know any better, and I got burned. No big.”
“But it is big, Buffy. Don’t you see, it’s still influencing you today. Still coloring your relationships with men, your views on sex. Just because Angelus is an evil bastard, doesn’t mean all men are monsters, Buffy.”
He was silent for a moment, then continued, “I love you Buffy, and I don’t want to see you in such pain. I have a friend of mine I think you should see. She’s a therapist, and a damned good one. If that bastard’s been playing with your head, she can help you, Buffy, to get around this emotional wall you’ve built up around yourself. What do you say, pet, are you willing to give it a try?”
Buffy searched his eyes, stunned. She had been staring out the window again. Perhaps she’d misheard. Had he really said what she thought he’d said? “Could you repeat that?”
“I asked if you’d be willing to talk to my friend about your Angelus issues, pet?”
“No, before that.”
Spike thought for a moment. “The part where I said that I cared for you, and don’t want to see you hurting? It’s true pet. Even though we’ve only know each other a little while, I care for you. I want to see you safe and happy. You deserve to be safe and happy. Everyone does.”
He hadn’t even realized what he had said! Did that mean it was true? Was Spike really falling in love with her? God, her life was so complicated. She’d have to find a way to wind this case up quickly. But, what if he really was guilty? What was she going to do then? Because she realized suddenly, she was falling for him too.
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Author's Chapter Notes:
Thanks to everyone who has left me a review. If you are interested in something way darker and vampire based, try my story Button, Button, which I've just begun posting. (See the warnings though, also I rated it AO, cause had to include almost all the warnings). If you prefer this, tell me by leaving a review. I'll probably focus my attention on the story readers seem to prefer. So leave a review and let me know.